A/N: Again, this has been posted before, but it might be new to some of you. Hope you enjoy!
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"Benson," Olivia says groggily, picking up her cell phone after only two rings. He immediately feels guilty for calling her at three in the morning, but he can't put this off until tomorrow, not when there's so much at stake.
"Hey, it's me," he says, rubbing his hand over his face as he sits in his jeep, parked down the block from her building. "I'm sorry for calling so late, I just…"
"Is everything okay?" she asks, and he hears the sheets on her bed moving. He wonders what color they are, if they're cotton or satin. He wonders if Ethan's in bed with her, waking from a deep sleep when she moves. He wonders if it was his conversation with Ethan, or some weird alignment of the planets that has him wondering these things about his partner. "Elliot?" she asks when he doesn't answer.
"Yeah, I'm okay. Is Ethan there right now?" Elliot asks, not wanting to know the answer.
"No, he's leaving early for a business trip. He went home after we left the bar so he could finish packing," she tells him, sounding puzzled. "Did you have a reason for calling or did you just want to check up on Ethan's whereabouts?"
"I'm parked down the block. Can I come up? We need to talk about something." He can hear the hesitation in the way she breathes, and he closes his eyes and silently begs. Just say yes, Olivia.
"Yeah," she says finally. Neither of them speaks for a moment and she sighs, remembering how tired she is. "Elliot…" she starts, and then decides that, judging by Elliot's behavior, putting off this conversation until morning probably isn't going to be a good idea. "Never mind. Just come up. Use your key."
Five minutes later, he lets himself into her apartment using the key she gave him for emergencies three years into their partnership. "Liv?" he calls, wanting to warn her that he's inside before the sound of his footsteps startles her.
"In the kitchen," she calls quietly.
He walks into the room and finds her at the table, three Advil laying next to her empty coffee mug as she waits for her caffeine to finish brewing. There's something about the fact that she's wearing an oversized T-shirt emblazoned with "Harvard" across the chest that just bugs him. It's harder to ignore Ethan's presence in her life when she wears his clothes.
"Hang over already?" he asks, forcing a smile and a joke to try and sound normal. "I figured you'd still be drunk."
"I was kidding about not being able to walk in the bar," she says, smirking. "I just have a headache."
"How long is Ethan gone for?" Elliot asks.
"Just until Sunday. He has to meet with some lawyers from his firm's office in D.C." She gets up from the table when the coffee finishes. Silently, she pours it into two mugs and sets one in front of him. She puts all three pills into her mouth and swallows them with a sip of coffee, sighing as she drops back into her chair. "Okay, what's going on?" she asks finally, knowing that she'll be waiting a while if she doesn't start the conversation.
"Nothing," he says, fighting an embarrassed smile when she rolls her eyes at him. He feels the words leaving his mouth before he can stop himself, so he finishes asking the question and then braces himself for the fallout. "Are you in love with him?"
Olivia sets down her coffee and raises an eyebrow at him, unsure of where this conversation is going. "Okay, why don't you stop being cryptic and just tell me why the hell you're here at three in the morning? I'm tired and I have a headache and I'm really not in the mood to give you answers that are none of your business."
He wants to just apologize and leave, but he needs to know. "Liv… Just answer the question. Please."
She wishes she had the energy or the will to tell him to drop it, but she's exhausted and there's something in the way he said the word "please" that breaks her willpower and she finds herself answering him instead. "I think so. To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure that I know how it feels to be in love with someone. But he…" she shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee. "Yes. I think I am in love with him."
He nods, looking down at the table in silence. Suddenly he stands up, grabbing his jacket off the back of the chair. "I gotta go. I'm sorry I-"
"God, Elliot, what is your problem?" she asks, giving in to her frustration. "You show up here at 3am wanting to 'talk' and then you ask me one question and take off! Would you please just tell me what the fuck is going on?"
He has stopped in his tracks, his back turned on her. He bows his head, dropping his chin to his chest and sighing and groaning all at once. "Olivia…" he trails off, unsure of what to say to her.
"No. You don't get to avoid answering my questions. This obviously has something to do with me and Ethan and I think I have a right to know what's going on with you."
"It's just something I realized tonight. At the bar," he says, turning to face her. "Fuck. I don't even know where to begin."
"Elliot, it's 3am. Stop with the angst and just tell me."
"I, uh, think I fucked up my chance," he says, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I realized that I have feelings for someone and I think it's too late to do anything about it."
Her eyes widen and she stands there for a moment, staring at him as she realizes what he means. "Elliot, I…" she trails off, unsure of how to respond. She leans back against the kitchen counter, looking at the floor instead of at him. When she looks up at him, he realizes that she's trying as hard as she can not to cry and he immediately feels guilty. "Don't do this to me. Please. I feel the same way, but there is no way we would ever work. We'd just end up hurting each other and ruining the one constant I have left in my life. I can't risk losing you, and we won't work out, Elliot. And I can't… I'm finally happy. With Ethan. I can't lose that."
He wants to say something, but he can't form the words, so he merely nods. He swallows hard, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he leans against the counter opposite her. Finally, he asks, "Are you really happy with him?"
"Yeah. I am," she answers with a small shrug. "Things with him are just easy. I can come home from work and forget about it and let myself get lost in something else. There aren't nine years of complications and mistakes to make our relationship harder than it should be. He's the first guy I've ever dated who didn't take off when I told him about my father, and I am just so sick and tired of being alone. God, Elliot, you can't even imagine what it's like. You've always had someone. Your family, then Kathy, and even now with the divorce, you've still got your kids. All I ever had was my mother, and then you and… I can't do this with you. And I need more than what I have right now."
He can't believe how honest she is being with him and he simply watches her, unsure of what has allowed them to be so open with each other tonight. She suddenly notices the way he is looking at her and she shakes her head, her face reddening slightly as she reaches up, wiping away the moisture with her thumb. "It's late and I can't do this right now, Elliot."
"Don't worry about it, Liv. It's done. I just needed to know," he says, trying to sound both confident and supportive, which is more difficult than he thinks it should be. "Now I do."
"El, are we-"
"We're fine," he says, nodding. "I understand what you're saying and I just want you to be happy. If Ethan is the right guy for you, then go for it. I'm right behind you no matter what." They both stare at each other for a moment, both of them feeling as though they still have so much left to say, but unsure of how to even begin. "I'm going to get going and let you get back to bed. I'm sorry, Liv. I shouldn't have come over. I'll see you at work on Monday."
"Elliot-"
"Liv, I really just need to go home," he says, shaking his head slightly. "We're fine, okay? I just need to go home and you should go get some sleep."
She nods, understanding that he needs to be alone. "I'll see you Monday," she says, realizing how awkward these parting words sound considering everything they have said to each other in the past thirty minutes. But before she can think of anything else to say, her front door is already shut and locked behind him and he's on his way to his car.
Wait, she thinks, already starting to regret her words. God, Elliot. What if we…
- - -
This is the last place he wants to be on his Sunday night, but he knows Olivia is out for a long-planned girls' night with Casey and that Ethan got back from D.C. earlier that afternoon. He needs to talk to him without Olivia around, and going to his apartment while she's out with Casey feels like the safest option.
He takes a deep breath before knocking on the door and then stands there awkwardly waiting for an answer. He hears footsteps inside the apartment and there is a pause before the door opens as Ethan looks through the peephole.
"Elliot? What are you-"
"I need to talk to you," he says, not waiting for Ethan to finish his question. "I'm sorry to show up unannounced like this, but I know Liv's not here and I need her to not know that I was here."
"Come on in," Ethan tells him, looking more than a little confused. "I, uh…I take it this is about what I told you on Friday, right?"
Elliot nods. "Olivia and I talked about some things this weekend and I… You should ask her. I want her to be happy, so I think you should ask her."
"Not to be rude or anything, but I didn't really ask for your permission, Elliot. Just a promise that you weren't going to try to talk her out of it when I ask her."
"I know you didn't," Elliot says, sighing. "And there's no reason why you'd need my permission, I know, I just wanted to tell you that you should do it. She's…" he trails off, unsure of how to explain how he feels about Olivia without screwing up both relationships. "She's really important to me and I want her to be happy. She's had enough shit happen in her life and she doesn't need anything else to get in the way of her happiness. I just wanted you to know that if you ever hurt her, if you ever cheat on her... I swear to God, if you even forget your anniversary, I'll make your life a living hell."
"Elliot-"
"Just say you won't and then I can leave and we can pretend we never had this conversation," Elliot says, wanting nothing more than to get out of there.
"Yeah, okay, I promise," Ethan says, nodding once, yet still looking a little confused as to what is going on.
Elliot nods in response, immediately leaving without saying another word. As he's walking back to his jeep from Ethan's apartment building, he wonders if the pain he feels after telling Ethan to propose is because it's like hitting something that has already been bruised, or if it's because it really does hurt more than when Kathy left him.
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TBC