I stepped onto the dusky dirt of the dreary droor and opened the door to 23 Wharf Avenue, one finger to my cool and stylish totally noir fedora like Michael Jackson. So this was Cancerhead's playground, his warehouse-castle of traps, traps that would go off like a bear trap and trap the heart of my leg of my heart in its vise-like grip with teeth that are metal and gross like the city i worked in, a metaphor for that city filled with vice and ugliness, filled to the brim with a measuring cup that filled up to 23 ounces and poured it out 24/7 over the 23 square miles of the city.

I began to move my head around on my neck like I was a bird or a black woman and then I stuck out my teeth and brayed like a donkey, "BRRWWOOAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEUOOOOUUUUGH!!!" I kicked over a carboard box and there was a tape inside with instructions on it "fast forward 23 minutes" but where was the tape player? "CANCERHEAD, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" I yelled with fire in my heart, "YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A TAPE PLAYER"

But it was a trap. Stupid old man, you fell for a trap. How come you fell for a trap? You're stupid, you stupid old man. It was a trap, stupid. You stupid old man. All around me, Cancerhead's hellish brood the Jigsaw Puppetmasters were crowding menacingly on their tricycles. Suddenly a deep voice, deep like the grand canyon or a hole in a garden, or the pockets of my pants, started to boom out quietly from the mouse of the Jigsaw Puppetmasters. "HELLO WALTER. I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME."

"PLAY THIS! YOU'LL BE PUSHIN' UP DAISIES IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE BARON LATOS IS AND ABOUT THE NUMBER 23!" and then i flung off my fedora like Twoface in James Bond, and it cut the head off the Jigsaw Puppetmaster Emperor, who exploded in a starry display that made me appreciate the way that the universe was lit up with so many stars that looked like the Jigsaw Puppetmaster Emperor exploding because my fedora cut through his neck circuits which caused him to explode like a gigantic furnace of explosions. Suddenly a Black Command Jigsaw Puppetmaster advanced forward, and replaced the Jigsaw Puppetmaster Emperor. "FOOL!" he cried, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE CANCER!" So, Cancerhead the Jigsaw Killer was talking through the Puppetmasters. They weren't Puppetmasters at all, they were just puppets, like the puppets from Puppetmaster!

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR CANCER YOU BALD SON OF A BITCH!" I slammed my feet against the ground and clenched my fists and punched at the air in front of me, "GIVE ME BARON LATOS!"

"If you wanted to see Baron Latos you would have let the pirate brood capture you," chuckled Cancerhead, "they worked for him after all. He's very eager to see you. But I'm afraid I have my own plans for you! You see, I want to play a game!"

You said that already, I thought. Senile, cancerous old fart. You old fart, you senile. I hope you rot in your iron lung you cancer victim, you stupid cancer victim, you're a stupid stupid cancer victim, I thought.

"If you win my game, you get to see Baron Latos. If you lose, you die and I eat your soul!!!!!!!!!!! MMMMM!!!! SOULS TASTE SO GOOD, THEY MAKE ME FORGET I HAVE CANCER! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE, IT'S REALLY AWFUL TO HAVE CANCER!"

"Okay," I said, "I'll play your the game." The door into the main keep of the warehouse-castle opened with a thunder and lightning show as Cancerhead cackled menacingly, HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!

As I walked through the glowing red doorway into the warehouse-castle I could hear Cancerhead's taunting voice over the loudspeakers installed in his castle full of traps: "Walter Sparrow..." Cancerhead asked, "just how much do you appreciate your life? How much do you appreciate not having cancer? What will you do to survive? To what lengths will you go to not die, like me, because I have cancer?"