Author's Note: Okay, so I suck at the whole 'consistency' thing. I have an excuse. A real one that actually justifies me! Honestly. I was sick. Very sick. 'Nuf said. Anyways, you shouldn't be angry with me, you should be celebrating my return! Oh, and a nice form of celebration would be to obsessively review every chapter of every story I've ever posted. I promise it's fun! Here's chapter 16, the second last chapter.
Abandon Ship will be updated shortly. I have completed the chapter, but it is still being beta-ed.
Remember the pairing poll is still running. Currently in the lead is Blaise Zabini, followed by Charlie Weasley and Pansy Parkinson. Personally, I'm hoping for Charlie, but I'll take what I get. The nominees are:
Blaise, Seamus, Charlie, Marcus Flint, Oliver, Percy, Theodore Nott, Victor, Kingsley, Padma, Pansy, Lisa Turpin, Penelope Clearwater, Tonks, Sally-Anne, Susan, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie.
You are hereby forbidden to complain about the eventual choice unless you vote! Oh, and remember that this is for a new story, not one of the pre-existing stories.
Chapter 16
21st October 1977
"So… how about that local sports team eh?"
"Shut up Padfoot, your attempts at breaking the ice are just a tad pathetic."
"Coming from you Moony that's pretty rich. Who was it who informed us of how startling it was to have snows in Scotland at this time of year?"
"It always snows in Scotland though."
"Yes Elfie darling that is exactly the point I was trying to make." Sirius threw his arms up in exasperation, promptly falling off his seat as a result of course.
Harry drew in his breath once again and rocked back and forth on his chair, gripping the edges of his seat and glancing around awkwardly at his companions. Having finally made peace the previous evening, they had spent a rather quaint day avoiding conversation with each other, for once focussing entirely on their schoolwork. As a result however; their eventual interactions in the Gryffindor common room were embarrassingly delicate.
Currently seated around the lounges beside the fire were Harry, Ginny, Lily, Peter, Remus, James, and Sirius now on the floor. Beside Ginny were two third years called Leon Thorogood and Alex Phillips who had spent the past four minutes trying to think of subtle excuses to leave that hadn't been already been utilized by one of their three friends, now standing at the bottom of the stairs to the Gryffindor common room waiting for their unfortunately located comrades. Alex Cullen had stated a need to wash his hair, Bryn Price informed them that he had to take a call from the family, and David Kehoe pleaded PMS and had made a run for it only a few seconds ago. Ginny was actually quite curious as to what the two remaining unfortunates could possibly come up with to top their friends' creations.
"Look," Harry finally started, "I know this is uncomfortable and that we're all wishing we were still at war just so there'd be something to talk about, but we have to make the most of what time we have left."
"He's right." James nodded, "We have to learn to talk to each other, to open up, to let our emotions out for everyone to see."
Zalan was apparently struck by a momentary inspiration after James' moving speech.
"Leon and I have just realized that we could quite possibly be gay and must now retire to another area to explore our sexuality." He said brightly before grabbing a horrified Leon by the hand and sprinting towards his waiting friends.
Ginny watched them for a moment.
"Not really that original, but performed with a certain flair and boldness that can only allow for a three and a half star rating." She determined and leant forward on her seat, "James, I too find myself moved by your oratory skills. I feel that now is a time for pacification and love. It is a time to express our desires to an audience who will not judge us for our faults. Lily now is the time to let them in on our terrible secret. You see James, like our friends Zalan and Alex, Lily and I have also felt a need to further explore each other." And with that final line, she grabbed hold of the other redhead, pulled her forward and began to kiss a very startled Lily.
Twenty years later, in two very different locations and in the company two very different groups of people, both Remus and Peter revived a long forgotten tradition and slipped straight off of their respective chairs as a rather hot memory returned to them.
"God, get off me Weasley." Lily snapped, pushing a grinning Ginny away from her, "What the hell was that for?"
"Why my dear Elf I was simply showing Padfoot here how one truly breaks the ice." Ginny looked at her with wide-eyed innocence before smirking wickedly, "Was it good for you too?"
"Fuck that was hot." James murmured, instantly turning Lily's entire wrath towards himself.
"Prongs you immature testosterone loaded Neanderthal, if I ever hear one word on this subject come out of your mouth again I will guarantee that not once in the rest of your miserable existence will you ever again get lucky with even the most hideous of women." She yelled at him causing him to pale dramatically.
"Great gods woman don't talk like that. If you get him cut off then I don't even get to be born." Harry scolded in outrage.
"Yeah, well that's not that big of a loss."
"Thou hast wounded me deeply oh beauty of legends beyond. When all of Troy did talk of Helen they spoke only rumours of your future magnificence. To never witness your looks with mine own eyes would be the deepest cut of all for my never to be born self. Thus I do pray that you let my father keep on with his studliness, allowing his loins to give fruit to me and all that I am." Harry gave a bow in his seat, presenting himself flamboyantly for her perusal.
"Merlin you are so gay."
"Why thank you. To me that's a compliment."
"Hey I've got an idea." Peter looked around at them, "Through this whole war, everyone else has gotten off pretty easily. Your side did that one whole school prank to prove your skills, but other then that; they've only really become involved as accidental witnesses. I think that as a bit of a goodbye gift from you lot; we should band together and make them glad to see the last of you for a few more years."
"… You know Wormtail, that's actually not such a bad idea." Harry grinned, "Tell you all what, we'll call this a night for now and tomorrow I'll get Pansy, Draco and Sev and we'll all meet in that empty room with the trapdoor along the third floor corridor before breakfast."
"Do we have to bring Snivellus into this one?" Sirius whined.
"Why Mister Padfoot, and here I thought you were done with all this bigotry." Harry shook his head sadly, "I may have to turn my affections towards another. Remus darling how are you today?"
"I thought you were done with all this flirtatious crap." Sirius muttered.
"It's not crap, simply inappropriate." Harry corrected, "Anyway, I flirt with everyone and I'm not making exceptions just because you're my godfather."
"You know, I'm almost glad you're leaving in three days."
"Oh my poor heart! I may never recover from al these slights." Harry collapsed dramatically into Ginny's lap.
"How? How James did you manage to spawn this demon?"
"I'm not sure, but given the drama and enthusiasm I'm beginning to think this may be the unfortunate reproduction of me and you Padfoot. As sickening and biologically impossible as it sounds, that may be the only plausible explanation."
"Sweet Merlin, the very thought of what my childhood would have been like calling you Daddy is enough to knock the humour right out of anyone Padfoot."
"Shut up Prongslet."
22nd October 1977
"Snakes in the dungeons?"
"Nah, it's been done."
"How about on a plane?"
"That seems far too illogical and it would completely ruin the supposed originality of a future film."
"Well then you think of something new then genius."
"I'm trying. Your stupidity is infecting the air. My aura is suffering. Suffering God damn it!"
"There is something seriously wrong with you Bambi."
"So the voices in my head keep telling me."
Their planning session had begun at only six that morning and, an hour and a half later, they were still yet to think of a decent plan. Ginny and Remus had already given up on the thinking process and had departed the group to sit in one corner of the room bouncing tennis balls against a wall, interrupting occasionally to scoff a particularly dumb idea or worry over Harry's psychological state. There was truly never ending support for this anxiety and the two were having serious thoughts towards getting him committed.
"We could force them to do everything backwards." Pansy tried to continue the creative process by supplying a horrendously boring idea for them to expand upon.
"Merlin in Speedos you may as well just switch the house colours around." James cried out in exasperation, flipping sideways out of his seat to lie on the floor for added drama, "If you want to give them some kind of hindrance you might as well make it a bit more creative. You could make everything they do happen to someone else. If the Billster tries to pick up a fork McGonagall suddenly grabs hers."
"We did that last year to the fourth year Ravenclaw, Slytherin charms class Prongs." Sirius reminded patronizingly, "I reckon it would be fun to turn the floors to ice, their shoes to ice-skates, and then cover the walls in Velcro."
"Definitely fun, but do you really want to be flashed a view of Professor Dumbledore's rear end when he inevitably falls over?" Severus pointed out the obvious problem, "How about some sort of emotional increase? It could be fun to see McGonagall on the floor - legs kicking - in a full-blown temper tantrum."
"Tempting indeed Mister Snape, but we need something with a little more flair. Something that people will be talking about for years-" Draco paused with a frown, "Or at least they would be talking about it for years if they weren't about to forget this visit for the next twenty."
"This sucks."
"No shit Sherlock," Pansy snapped at James, "And here I thought it was the best situation in the world. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to all these new possibilities."
"Guys!" Ginny finally snapped at the debaters who turned in surprise towards her and Remus, "You're obviously not going to be able to find something that everyone agrees with, so why not use several ideas?"
"Our pranks have always been better in the past when we've tried several things at once. For some reason everyone always thinks they're safe after the first attack." Remus nodded.
"Not bad Moony, other Red Head." Sirius complimented them, "So which ones should we use?"
"Okay junior puffers, I need you all paying attention." Sirius began as the assembled crowd turned to view him.
For reasons unknown to his fellow pranksters, Sirius had spent all his free time that day informing the first to fourth year Hufflepuffs that he needed to meet with them urgently for matters to do with the safety of the Hogwarts fairy population and as a result, at five o'clock that evening, he had managed to gather all but three of them. Said three were engaged in detention with Professor Pandino after their horror at the thought of fairies in trouble had caused them to blow up each of their respective cauldrons. They would be filled in on the details of the meeting by their dorm mates later that night.
"First I must reassure you that the Hogwarts fairies remain safe and unmolested." Sirius continued, his face poker straight, "But I am afraid that instead, there is a threat to your own personal safety. You see, my friends and I have recently ended a prank war with Misters Potter, Snape and Malfoy, and Misses Weasley and Parkinson. As a result however, we all found ourselves rather bored and decided to stage a massive attack on the entire school in general." There were gasps all around.
"Fear not sweet puffers, no harm shall come to you. For you see; I myself was almost one of your own and only through a lot of bargaining and pleading managed to end up in Gryffindor. As such, I have a bit of a soft spot for you all and decided to try and keep you out of harms way." Sirius stretched his arms out wide in an imaginary enveloping hug.
"But, what will we do instead?" Once nervous looking second year pointed out, "Surely when your friends see we haven't been pranked, they'll figure out you're protecting us and get around it."
"Ah, but that's the beauty of my plan. You will be pranked, but you will know all the details, and thus be able to use said prank to in turn prank the entire school along with my fellow pranksters. It is a truly pranktastic plan. Who's with me?"
"I'm with you, you dear unrecognized puffer!" One future Molly Weasley clone cried out and the other joined in with enthusiastic commitment.
"If you can keep us from falling victim to unhappy attacks, you can be an honorary Hufflepuff for life." A fourth year decided, smiling at Sirius.
"I- I'm shocked." Sirius gasped out, tears of joy forming in his eyes, "I never expected such a welcome. I've never felt such bliss. I won't let you down! Any of you!"
23rd October 1977
The morning of the 23rd dawned peacefully. Birds sang, the squid stretched its tentacles, and all around the castle students started to awaken; most with no idea of the absolute chaos that was to occur that day.
The group of pranksters had selected a tonne of pranks to use on the Hogwarts populace. Some would target specific groups, some certain teachers, and some would affect the school in general. They had all been up most of the night making preparations and as such all looked quite tired. The teachers, recognising the warning signs, all started to subtly shield themselves and cast identifying spells on their food and utensils.
It didn't take very long for the whole hall to be alerted when the first prank started. In truth however, it was Valerie Sykes, a Gryffindor second year, who first noticed what was going on. Looking up from her berry yoghurt, she turned towards her best friend Lulu Cummings to ask if she'd completed her potion's work. Staring at Lulu in shock for a second, she immediately let out a high pitch and lasting wail of absolute fear which of course silenced the rest of the school and caught their collective attention.
Valerie's scream continued for close to fifteen seconds before she paused to draw breath and this time continued at the same volume and pitch, but stating the problem of her distress.
"DEATHEATEEEEEEEER!" She howled, pointing dramatically at the startled Lulu.
There was complete silence once she had quietened down as everybody tried to figure out her motivation for accusing her best friend of being a minion of total evil. It didn't last long however as moments later a fourth year Gryffindor boy gave a yelp and flung himself away from his group of friends.
"Deatheaters!" He shouted, waving his arms in their general direction before sprinting for the doors with a cry of; "We're all gonna die!"
Apparently extreme fear seemed to distort one's perception of distance however since the boy ran head on into the doors, thus discouraging anyone else from attempted escape.
"I don't know quite what you guys did," Julie Parkes whispered hollowly from where she had come to sit next to Peter, "But this is the funniest shit I've seen this year."
Within moments every young Gryffindor seemed to come under the impression that all the other younger members of their house had been replaced with Death Eaters and they soon erupted into panic. The rest of the school however was in hysterics, even some of the teachers had to hide smiles.
"You'll never take us alive!" One second year cried out, diving off the table onto the back of one of the third years and hitting him over the head with a breakfast baguette.
"Oh no!" One first year screeched, seeing her reflection, "I'm a Death Eater too!" She finished before picking up her spoon and smacking herself on the arm screaming; "Die you evil Death Eater, DIE!"
"See? Now this is useful material." Harry commented brightly to Ginny while everyone else was focussed on the elaborate show they'd prepared, "Imagine if I made all Voldy's forces think that they and their fellows all looked like Power Puff Girls. Can you really see them holding down a strong attack in such a scenario?"
Most of the younger Gryffindors had calmed down by that stage, having registered to the other students' laughter, as well as the improbability that they themselves had somehow signed up to become Deatheaters without knowing. A couple of overly enthusiastic individuals were still head butting the walls in an attempt to subdue the enemy, but most were currently glaring at the Billster who had remained unfazed by his trip through the Twilight Zone. Harry suspected Ginny had tipped him off in order to have bargaining material when they returned to their own time.
While all the teachers were fairly certain who had fixed the prank, they seemed not to be attempting to punish anyone at this time, instead focusing their attention on fixing the altered perceptions of the affected students. When no immediate progress was made, it was assumed the prank would wear off in time, and the morning ritual went back to its usual state; the only exception being the large proportion of Gryffindor house that could not look at one another without first flinching and then bursting into giggles.
Once breakfast had finished however, it became clear that this was not going to be an ordinary day.
The first hint to that were the giant cabbages who had taken over the halls and corridors. They patrolled their new land on spindly legs, snarling at anyone who got in their way. The teachers wove in between the students vanishing the large vegetables, but no one seemed to mind greatly, instead simply focussing on getting through the halls towards their next classes. The students and teachers of 1977 were more then used to the Marauders ways. It would take more then just a few vegetables to get them excited.
The fact that several baboons had taken over the charms classroom was a little more shocking, but the fifth years who had that class first still went to sit down. They changed their minds about the wisdom of that idea when they saw how long baboon teeth are. The fact that the creatures had unreasonably good aim when throwing their own faeces at the backs of the screaming students as they fled the classroom probably didn't increase their love of the red-butted menaces.
By the time lunch came, most of the students were a little pissed off with the now rampant cabbages and baboons, thus when they all suddenly vanished, there was an overall feeling of relief.
"What next?" Julie looked around at them all, again sitting with Peter.
"We can't give that away!" James whispered in outrage, "You'll find out when everyone else does in… a few more moments."
"But who's it against?" Julie queries before being shushed again. She looked around at all of them and noted where their attention was fixed. With a very unhufflepuffy smirk she too turned to look at the teacher's platform.
It didn't take long for the prank to take affect. Pretty much as soon as the last teacher had taken a bight of their food to be precise. And upon that last bight, they all seemed to be feeling a little odd.
"You know what's really great?" Professor Vector commented to the group at large, "When you squint at a light, it switches colour and makes a rainbow."
The other teachers all murmured in amazement and started squinting into all nearby lights. Slowly, conversation died out around the hall as everyone turned to look at their teachers. Professor Dumbledore held his hand up between his squinted eyes and the candle he'd lit before him.
"I can see through my fingers!" He cried out ecstatically.
"Ooooh, you lot are in so much trouble when they get over this." The Billster whispered to Harry over the sniggers that were beginning to fill the hall.
"I'm a fire-breathing, hellcat, Leo so don't mess around with me." Professor McGonagall was shouting to Professor Pandino, "And don't think I don't see you lusting after me with your smouldering eyes. You can't possibly afford me anyway."
Professor Pandino looked at her for a moment.
"You know it's funny how when you talk… it's loud." He finally replied with a dazed smile on his face before returning his focus to the small pink flamingos he was sure were making rude gestures at him from atop his garden salad. Come to think of it, his salad was looking a little odd too. At least, he didn't remember ever seeing a psychedelically coloured salad before.
"Don't you backchat me mister!" Professor McGonagall scolded him at the top of her lungs.
"You've met my brother right?" Dumbledore asked Professor Flitwick, "And you know about the goat thing as well I guess. I never understood that. There were so many other, much more exciting things he could have done if you know what I mean." He nudged the short professor in the ribs and winked as the students' sniggers escalated into all out laughter, "Personally though, I think he should have stuck to lemon drops like me."
"They are going to kill you." Julie gasped out, trying to catch her breath.
"I've got to admit; even I wasn't expecting anything quite like… this. This is gold." Harry squeaked out before losing his temporary control once again and falling sideways onto the bench, long since vacated by all five marauders who had, in true fashion, fallen off several minutes ago.
"Why doesn't anybody love me?" Professor Flitwick wailed at the top of his lungs before collapsing in sobs. Professor Pandino rushed to console him, pulling out a large white handkerchief from his pocket in the process.
"I love you Filius!" He cried out while quickly charming the handkerchief purple, "Here, you can have my handkerchief. It's purple which means it's happy."
"You can't fool me with your false declarations!" Professor McGonagall screeched at him, "I know you secretly want to shag me, and it's not going to happen. I'm a fiery Leo and I know how to defend myself against your advances!"
With that she pulled out her wand and transfigured the potion's professor into a large white rabbit.
"You wench! You killed my one true love." Professor Flitwick squealed before charming her to fly around the room.
"Er… we may want to reverse the spell about now guys." Lily looked at the terrified Deputy Headmistress in alarm, "We're sort of running out of teachers. Plus I think Professor Vector is about to give Dumbledore a lap dance."
"Spoil sport." James muttered, but grinned at her all the same.
As one they stood up on the benches, lifted their arms, and bowed flamboyantly to the other students before turning and casting the reversal spell at their teachers. There was a loud scream as Professor McGonagall plummeted towards the floor, but Harry slowed her decent just in time. Landing, she straightened her robes carefully before marching towards the seven Gryffindor pranksters, twitching occasionally.
"You!" She screamed pointing at Harry, but paused mid step as a second year Hufflepuff stepped in front of her.
The child looked at her for a long minute, then opened her arms wide and enveloped the startled professor in a hug.
"I wuv you." She sighed before bouncing back towards her housemates. "Cuddles!" She shrieked cheerfully.
"Cuddles!" The younger students all echoed, jumping up and stripping off their robes and school hats to reveal a variety of brightly coloured costumes.
"Whose idea was this one?" Julie asked the group.
"Mine." Sirius waved his hand, "But Harry suggested and charmed up the costumes. I think he said they were called wibblywobblies? Teddybuddies?"
"Tellytubbies Padfoot, they're called tellytubbies." Harry corrected him seriously, "I wanted to use Barney, but there was more colour variety with these ones. I still used our dinosaur friend for inspiration though."
"I love you, you love me. We're all one big family." A group of eight or so first years chanted before descending on the Slytherins with their arms opened wide and welcoming.
As one the Slytherins screamed in terror. Each in a gibbering panic, they began clambering over the table and each other to get away. Draco, Severus, and Pansy looked at one another for a moment before casting wingardium leviosa upon themselves and rising up above the panic surrounding them.
"Well would you look at that." Sirius remarked in amazement, "D'you know, it hadn't even occurred to me that this could double as a prank on the Slytherins."
"You're slipping Padfoot." Harry scolded, "Your bigotry is deceasing in severity even as we speak. I'm ashamed to know you."
"I- I'm so sorry. I'll try and be less tolerant, I'll try to hold onto irrational loathing, but I don't know if I'll be able to ignore these feelings of warm delight each time I see a slimy git."
"Why Padfoot!" Ginny exclaimed, "Is there something you and Severus want to tell us? Do I hear wedding bells in the distance?"
Sirius paused for a minute.
"Oh gross! That mental image is going to haunt me for years."
"Perhaps not then." Ginny sulked.
"Expulsion. They've destroyed student moral, and they're flaunting a clear defiance of the rules that have been set out for student safety. Not only that, but they've completely undermined our authority in the eyes of the entire student body."
"Now Minerva, perhaps you are being too harsh."
"Too harsh! Albus, someone could have been killed."
"Minerva my dear, you are overreacting. A dose of uninhibited and unconditional love is not going to cause a heart failure for the Slytherins, and I'm sure our young pranksters took precautions against all the more expected reactions to their work."
"I say we give them to Filch and take down the rules against flogging for a night." Professor Pandino put in his two cents from where he was trying to prevent his nose from twitching. Apparently his time as a rabbit had not ended entirely upon his resumption of human form.
"My dear colleagues, we must simply accept that it was simply a prank." Dumbledore tried to reason with them, "And even if we were to try a punishment, it wouldn't matter. If you will recall, we're about to forget all about this rather interesting couple of weeks. If you wish to punish them, you'll have to wait for another twenty years or so."
They all paused for a moment to consider the dilemma.
"This sucks." Minerva finally stated flatly.
"I have it on the highest authority that Mister Potter agrees with that statement entirely."
Review and I'll hug you. It will be an imaginary hug, but it's the thought that counts. The pairing poll is still running (see the names above). It will close at the exact moment that I post the final chapter of Replay. Remember, it is for a new, not yet existing, story, and is a vote for the person who will be paired with Harry. If you wish to suggest a pairing between other characters for any story then you can feel free to, but I may just ignore you.
Leon and Zalan; we all know it's true. Stop trying to deny it.