Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, and I'm too tired to make a big schpeal out of it today.

Jessie: Yawns Well, my darling sister Joh-chan begged me last night to write her an angst-y EnvyxEd fic. Glances up toward Joh

Joh: Smiles innocently from her position over her laptop I have no such recollection! Goes back to typing

Jessie: …Anyways, I actually do have to thank her for getting me back into the swing of writing after I was struck with a horrible case of writer's block.

Joh: Heh, yes—yes you do.

Jessie: Grins Just think about DDR, Joh; DDR.

Joh: Cackles I'll get it all together, oh yes I will…

Warnings: Lemon, angst, slight language.

(Note: Ed-centric)

The lyrics are from the song "The Hill" from the soundtrack of the movie "Once"

"The Hill" © Markéta Irglová(a very pretty song; I recommend listening to it while reading)

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The soft creaking of the bed under the combined weight of the two lovers was the only sound that broke the otherwise still quiet night, not counting the sounds the couple themselves made. More than once, a sharp, strangled gasp managed to escape the blonde teen's lips whenever the Sin's wandering touches made contact somewhere especially sensitive along his neck.

The alchemist's fingers completely entwined themselves in the long, silky strands of emerald hair as Envy's teasing ministrations moved steadily lower; he was faintly aware of Envy's nimble fingers undoing his belt buckle, before it was quickly discarded; the rest of his clothing soon followed, winding up as nothing more than a crumpled heap on the floor beside them.

Edward's breath caught in his throat as he glimpsed the Homunculi's face, lit up by the moonlight pouring in through the window; his amethyst eyes blazing with raw lust as he gazed hungrily down at the breathless figure beneath him. However, his lover's face soon left his sight as Envy leant down to steal another kiss from Edward's lips, thus stopping all thoughts from registering fully in the blonde's hazy mind.

It felt as though it'd only been a few mere seconds ago that he and Envy had been kissing—suddenly, Edward felt the familiar pain ripping down his spine as the Homunculus thrust into him without warning. His breath hitched painfully in his chest and he immediately bit down on Envy's shoulder, trying desperately to choke back the instinctive scream of protest that threatened to escape his throat.

After only a few minutes, however, there was an entirely different scene, as the two rocked together, Edward –the initial pain now nothing more than a dull ache– begging the shape shifter to go faster, harder…and groaning loudly as the Sin complied with equal vigor.

And then it was over, and Edward found himself dozing off quickly in Envy's warm embrace; gradually allowing the weariness to overcome him while he contented himself studying Envy's features, enjoying the feel of slender fingers gently sifting through his long, damp bangs.

Edward tried to commit all of these wonderful sensations and images to his memory as best he could in he exhausted state; knowing all too well that his lover would be long gone when he awoke in couple of hours—although there was always that one tiny spark of hope he always reserved for the rare instance that Envy would not have to immediately leave to relate his "latest clues to the location of the Elric Brothers" back to the other Homunculi.

However, the blonde awoke only about an hour or two later to find the other side of the bed empty; and seemed to have been so already for some time.

After a few moments of regained consciousness, Edward found himself suddenly struck with a sense of frustration, and resolved to take a walk. Once he'd succeeded from easing himself out of bed, Edward carelessly threw on what clothes he could immediately find; once he'd grabbed his cloak from its place on the back of the chair at his desk, he was out the door. The State Alchemist took great caution not to wake the other residents of the Rockbell household and, after a brief dilemma of deciding where to wander off to, found his feet leading him in the general direction of the remnants of his burnt home.

Walking up the hill tonight;
And you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make
All those mistakes, and be wise.

Edward slowed to a halt a few meters away from the burnt pieces of rubble that had once been his home. He flinched slightly as a sudden, unbidden rush of usually well-suppressed memories flowed through him mind.

The initial feelings of euphoria and excitement as the alchemic ritual appeared to go along according to plan…

The horror of seeing his younger brother's terrified features one last time; their fingertips just a hair's breadth away before he vanished completely…

The agony of the sensation of his nerves in both his arm and leg being reactivated for the first time through the blessing –or was it more of a curse, really?– of automail…

The iron determination he himself was nearly afraid of felt as he and his younger brother turned from their blazing house for the last time…

Those piercing violet eyes he'd once feared because of the hate and the bloodlust he'd seen in them so many times before directed at him; filled with some unreadable emotion as they focused on him…

Edward was abruptly saved from sinking into the abyss of memories entirely when he gasped sharply—suddenly quite aware of the painful, (literally) iron-grip he had on his hair. Immediately he unclenched his fist and pulled his arm away slowly, taking care not to pull out any hair that might have gotten caught somewhere in between the metal plates that made up the artificial limb.

The blonde stood quietly for a while, simply gazing out at the charred remains. It was only natural that, because of the close proximity to one of the strongest triggers of unwanted memories, Edward began to ponder on the ever-pressing question of why.

Why had his and Alphonse's father left so early on? Why had their mother loved their father to the point of wasting away when he'd left them for good? Why did Envy have to be the only one he could ever imagine himself loving? Why couldn't Envy let go of his past goals in order to be with him, when Ed had wholeheartedly given up his?

Please try to be patient,
And know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see
The strength inside me burning.

Even from the very beginning of their relationship, Edward had never once tried to convince himself otherwise—he was always worried whenever the androgynous Homunculus was away; especially when his reports called him away for days; sometimes even weeks. He'd always known that having Envy as his lover wouldn't be easy; Envy had warned him of this from the start. The Sin had told Ed that it was crucial –for both of their sakes– that their relationship remain hidden from his fellow Homunculi and master. This ultimately meant that absolutely no one concerned with Edward could know either, as their master had ordered that the other Homunculi keep a wary eye on those as well.

Of course, hiding his feelings was one of Edward's strong points; thus, it was almost too easy for the alchemist to keep this a secret from everyone he knew--no matter how much it pained him to do so. And although no one knew of his and Envy's forbidden relationship, everyone around Edward could tell there was something of great importance constantly on the golden-haired youth's mind--naturally, as they couldn't possibly know that it was due to the Sin's absences, the blame was usually pinned on the stress Edward was put through with his difficult –and often quite dangerous –military job.

However, even if those concerned with Edward didn't interrogate the blonde, there were still an alarming number of questions surrounding the Sin's absences--Edward's own.

'But where,' Edward would always ask himself fiercely, 'does he go?' 'Whatis it that he does while he's away?' 'Who is he with?'

Who is he with…?

And, to Edward's immense aggravation, he didn't –and, as it seemed, he would never– have an answer.

At first, the tears fell slowly, leaving individual trails from pain-filled, golden eyes as Edward made no effort to wipe them away. Less than a minute had passed, however, before the tears began to fall hard and fast-- Edward knew that at last, he could no longer hold back the bottled emotion he'd been suppressing for the past six months.

Allowing his already weak legs to give out beneath him, Edward slid miserably to the ground; wrapping his arms around his legs in a protective manner and resting his head against his knees as his body was racked with silent sobs.

Where are you my angel now--
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say I'm not trying

"Envy…"

The name escaped Edward's lips in a broken whisper.

"What more do I have to do?" Edward wondered aloud desolately.

"And…why won't you tell me, damn it?"

Edward was all too aware of Envy's worry for the both of them; although he hadn't been able to see it at first, Edward now knew that Envy only truly lost his temper either when he felt challenged by something that threatened to be even more powerful than himself, or when he felt that he had finally lost control of things. Edward had always known that Envy was a very controlling person, but he'd never realized that his controlling persona was linked to his fear of loosing control and rendering him useless.

He knew that Envy would always want to be in charge and have all the responsibilities, but…

"Envy, I can help…please--let me help..."

I'm on my knees in front of him
But he doesn't seem to see me

But all his troubles on his mind
He's looking right through me

Although Edward knew Envy couldn't see it, it hurt Edward to see Envy work so hard to ensure Edward's safety without letting the blonde help. And, although sometimes Edward loathed himself for understanding the shape shifter better than the Homunculus knew himself, he knew that it was impossible for the Sin to come to completely comprehend the idea of a partnership in the kind of bond they shared. Envy wasn't human, and so it was only natural that he wasn't able to identify with Edward's feelings exactly.

Edward himself had come to believe that those in an intimate relationship should be able to come to terms with that fact that there was a level of equality between them--even if one was in some ways superior to the other. In this case, Edward knew that, without a doubt Envy was the superior figure. The Homunculus openly took pride in the fact that he was not a human being, and was therefore gifted with inhuman strength, speed and abilities; however it was this pride along with his naturally controlling nature that gave him a sense of control in their relationship.

It was obvious that Envy believed that it was his job as a superior figure to take it upon himself to protect Edward and both work out their troubles and carry their combined burdens himself.

And no matter how much Edward hated to acknowledge it, he knew that it was his lover's protectiveness and sense of duty to take care of both his and Edward's problems that hurt him the most.

And I'm letting myself down
Beside this fire in you
And I wish that you could see
that half my troubles too

As much as Edward loved it when he and Envy were reunited after the shape shifting Sin met with the six other Homunculi and his master, Edward hated to see him fall asleep upon his initial return; for it seemed as though there was a permanent expression of worry etched across his lover's face, as though what problems that troubled him throughout his day somehow managed to bother him even in sleep.

If the two were lucky, however, and Envy was not called to give a report of his latest findings or was, perhaps, assigned on a mission that was scheduled to last a number of days, Envy's restless sleeping habits faded away after a few days, much to Edward's relief.

However, Envy never made any attempts to fix his troubled sleeping patterns, for he wasn't aware of them. Edward had firmly decided not to hand Envy yet another problem--and one over which he had absolutely no control.

Numerous times throughout the night, Edward would awaken, and would be content to simply gaze at Envy's expressions in sleep; watching the gradual changes in Envy's features as the number of nights between his return and days spent with his lover increased. Edward would watch the small changes with fascination; without the Sin ever knowing, his expressions changed overnight from ones of worry and stress to those that reflected his more casual and aloof personality.

Sometimes, Edward found himself wanting to cry.

Looking at you sleeping
I'm with the man I love
I'm sitting here weeping
While the hours pass so slow

And so, Edward knew that if he wanted their relationship to continue to be successful, he had to adjust to accepting that he simply could not have Envy to wake up to every morning--and on the rare occasion that he did, he must savor it.

Edward knew that he had to let his lover do his job; no matter where or when that was, or with whom he was involved.

And I know that in the morning
I'll have to let you go

And you'll be just a man
Once I used to know

Edward knew that it wasn't entirely his fault that he'd become such a mess; there was a different side to Envy, one that wasn't the Sin that he'd come to know and to love, and that came out each time he was away and out of Edward's reach. The real question here, however, was whether or not Envy himself recognized this as well.

And finally, the alchemist knew that he would simply have to endure being without his lover for some periods of time –both long and short– and he desperately hoped that, in time, he would most likely come to accept it in a way where the prospect didn't seem so difficult.

And for these past few days--
Someone I don't recognize
This isn't all my fault;
When will you realize?

But if he knew all of this…why did it still have to be so hard?

Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign

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Jessie: Aww, I really love that song; it's so pretty.

Joh: Punches the air Hooray for EnvyxEd angst!

Jessie: Grins Yep; I'm actually pretty happy with the results of this fic. I just hadn't realized it'd be so long. N'ways, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it.

♥ Please review ♥