Note: My first Lost Fic ever and my second fic ever so i hope it isn't too bad, thank you for clicking on my story. Enjoy:
Kate sat at the edge of the beach, listening to the familiar sound of the islands waves breathing in and out. When her heart was racing from whatever they had recently faced, she'd sit here and her heart rate would level to the sea. Funny how the corner of a beach would suddenly become home to the girl who always ran away.
She scanned the beach and watched as the bonfire almost looked like a couples evening, Claire and Charlie, fawning over little Aaron. Jin with Sun resting in his arms, one of Jin's hands lying protectively over Sun's stomach. Jack and Juliet…
She chuckled to herself as she thought back to the first days they crashed on the island. Primitive, at each other's throats, every man for himself. Now it's almost like a community, Jack's 'live together, die alone' motto ringing through everyone's ears. She wondered how long it would take for Juliet to start Mother and Baby classes. She couldn't help but resent the woman. She was slowly pushing Kate from the role she used to have. Now the rest of the group would invite her to hunt, invite her to eat with them. Sun would invite Juliet to the garden for 'baby talk', she'd become Jack's confidante, every little niggling thing that bothered him, he'd go running to Juliet's tent; leaving her in the kitchen to go eat dinner with Juliet was a real slap in the face.
So she turned to Sawyer. She knew she was using him, she knew she was hurting three people in this situation but she didn't care. She was fed up trying to protect everyone from herself, she was over that. She needed that comfort, that friendship; that love, and Sawyer was beaming it to her and she couldn't help but catch it and use it against someone else, even if they were the one she hurt in the first place.
She loved Sawyer, loved him like a friend, a close friend, like a 'friends with benefits' sort of way. After a few more late night visits to his tent, they were bored. The spark was dead, neither were benefiting, both were getting hurt.
Here she was. On her own. Hurley would pop by, with something to eat, a quick chat on Island events. He was like the human equivalent of Entertainment Weekly. Hurley's visits now became the highlight of her week; she'd take her spot and wait for him to arrive. Sometimes he brought Claire and Charlie, and the four of them would talk about old times. They had the capability to make her laugh, as long as there was no mention of Jack or Sawyer. Hurley joked that he and Kate should announce their marriage in front of the campfire gang, Claire and Charlie would be chief bridesmaid and Best man. She found his hugs the best comfort she could find. But it wouldn't be long until he found a reason to avoid her too.
She thought about ending it. A fair few times, but taking an overdose of the island's limited medicine supply is cruel to the rest of the islanders. She'd probably have the bottle to do it if she got a gun….but this wasn't her, she fought against her circumstances, kept herself alive. She'd never do this…would she?
She woke in the morning and rubbed her eyes with her hands, only to realise the grub on her hands makes her eyes murkier than before. She pulled her neglected tent open and saw a huge crowd around Jack and Juliet. Probably announcing she's pregnant with his child she thought to herself, and realised the possibility. Everyone was distracted. Everyone. She could raid the stash; raid for the last remaining guns. Someone will find her body. They'll find it and get the gun back. If they're kind enough, they'll place her next to her deceased friends. Boone, Shannon, Eko, Libby. Others, Niki, Paolo, and Ana-Lucia. She felt guilty to the fact she had lost count of, for want of a better word, the body count. She found a 9mm stashed under a piece of Linen without the safety on. If she was part of the civilisation she'd warn them about it. But it was too far gone. She flicked the safety on and put the weapon in her pants, pulling her purple shirt over to conceal it. With her determination set, she made her way out of camp, Sawyer the only one noticing her leaving. He almost made off after her, but Desmond pulled him aside.
She was in the jungle. Deep, she doubted anyone would hear the gunshot. She felt low. As low as she should have felt the day she blew up her father. She was almost to the level when she'd crashed and found a Tom, cold in the seat next to her, a small toy plane on the back seat; a miserable memory to haunt her forever. She put the gun on the log and collapsed to the jungle floor, letting out the recent months of misery. She felt the warm tears fall down her eyes, the choked sobs fall from her mouth but she failed to care. There was nothing left to care about. All she was, was another castaway, using up their food, beach and survival equipment. She wasted people's love, Tom, Kevin, Sawyer, Jack…
God she missed Jack, Jack with his kind heart and gentle soul, she could overlook all the harsh words she and him had ever exchanged because she had knows that soul. She used to know that soul. God knows what Juliet's done to it now.
She cried for the broken promises and missed chances. The many other ways this could have turned out.
She felt her hand move to her temple, her fingers gripping the instrument that was about to cause her death. The cold barrel of the gun seemed more inviting than ever, yet her hand was physically shaking. She reasoned it was to do with the sobs still escaping from her heart, the wounds cracking in her heart, opening further and further, until she doesn't have a heart left to care. She knew she was taking the safety off as she pushed it further towards her head. If she didn't have an objective to complete, she'd probably collapse right this moment and drown herself in her tears. She cradled the weapon in her hand one last time. A gun. A gun had become her constant companion throughout life. And her constant companion was going to help her assisted suicide.
'Kate?'
She heard her name and spun to a very wide eyed Jack.
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She scanned him as he tried to slowly approach.
'Kate… What the hell are you doing?'
He asked her, and only at that moment did it register she still had the gun against her temple. The reason in her head told her to remove it and just go back with Jack. But in these recent months she had learned to silence that little voice.
'I have to end it.' She sobbed her voice cracking and Jack's once emotionless face cracking with it. She narrowed her eyes as her tears temporarily subsided, her blurry vision clearing to see a panicked and concerned face of an old friend in front of her.
'Kate you should…you should put the gun down, we can talk about this.'
She knew he'd do this, try and make her listen to reason, and then scold her later. She wasn't a child. This was her decision, her control; this is what she is going to do.
'No we can't Jack.' She found her hand betraying her voice as it lowered the gun a little, but still in range to cause death on impact.
'Kate, whatever's the matter, we can sort it out, is it Sawyer?' He asked, pain evident in his voice. Suddenly it became more firm.
'Did he hurt you?'
'He didn't do anything.' She hissed, trying to make him take the hint.
'This isn't your problem Jack. Go back to camp. Go back to your civilisation. Go back to Juliet.'
He laughed harshly and she felt her heart break a little more. Didn't he find her sincere? She was only delaying this so he didn't have to see someone kill themselves; not that he hadn't had his share in dead bodies.
'This is what it's about? Me and Juliet?'
'God Jack, why does it have to be about you? This is about me Jack. ME.' She stared at him, and she had to give him credit, as his didn't flinch at her gaze. He only shuffled further toward her.
'This isn't what you want!' He yelled, both his hands spread out, reaching out to her.
'IT IS WHAT I NEED!'
'Why?' He asked, shaking his head in what seemed to be disapproval. 'Why Kate?'
'Call it Karma Jack. Or Redemption I don't know. For every life I've destroyed, for every life I've ruined, for every life I've hurt and LOST!'
She watched Jack approach her further. It wasn't long until she had no choice but to pull the trigger in front of him. Otherwise he'd disarm her, and leave her with nothing to console herself with.
'Kate please… there's another way. Just…please put the gun down.'
She almost collapsed in his arms right then in the way he spoke to her. So much like…
She held that thought as Jack took a seat on the log next to where she stood.
'You realise this is where we kissed?'
She took in the jungle surrounding her. Of course it is. She remembers the climbers around her, the tree behind Jack that could tell so many stories. The spot where she sat after Sawyer tried to throttle her. The exact spot she was standing with a gun in her hand.
'Yeah…' she whispered. 'I remember.'
'I'm still not sorry Kate.' He paused, hand running through his short black hair.
'I'll never be sorry Kate. The only time I'll ever be sorry is if you pull that trigger, if you ever pull that trigger.'
She looked to him, desperation in her eyes.
'Why? I need to know why Jack.'
'Because we need you Kate.' He stood straight in front of her, eyes exchanging looks, feeling resurfacing in her mind and in her heart. 'Because I need you. If you looked Kate, and I mean if you really looked, you'd see me. You'd see me waiting anxiously for Hurley to come back from your late night chats to make sure you're ok. You'll see me looking over from my dinner with Juliet trying to make sure you're eating and drinking healthily. You'd see me; Still in love with you.'
'But I've hurt you; Juliet told me, I broke your heart.'
'Yes you did.' He replied, getting straight to the point. 'But you being there, in your glorified craziness mended it.'
'I'm sorry I slept with Sawyer' She sobbed to him, the gun falling rapidly, her arm going limp, but the gun still firmly in her palm.
'I'm not Kate.' She watched his expression, amazingly confused. 'I'm not because it brought everything to attention; it got these ridiculous rivalries out of the way. It made me realise what I felt for you, for real.'
She had one more question.
'Then why be with Juliet?'
'Because you and Sawyer…I never thought I had a shot.'
Her heart finally tore at his most ridiculous explanation of his and Juliet's relationship, as she felt her grip slip and the gun hit the floor hard. She fell into Jack's embrace, tears soaking his shirt and crumpling as she gripped it forcefully.
'I love you.' She cried, water falling from her emerald eyes. 'I love you. I'm so sorry…I'm so…'
'It's ok….' He comforted her; she felt his arms grip her waist tightly. 'It's going to be ok…'
She hoped to God his words would ring true.