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Chapter 18 â An Honest Mistake
Rachel shook as the wind whipped around her head. Even though she had Silas's blazer on, the New York falls at night could be bitter. She pulled it closer to her and looked at Silas. She had lied to keep Marcy from stopping them, and now she had lied to the man she loved...she led him on, and now he was a completely different person, except from his bouts of random Marseilles flash backs. Sometimes, he would disappear for hours, then comeback to her, sore, bleeding, and bruised. She did not know where he went or what he did, but he always came back with food. One day when she asked him about it, he screamed, "I am doing the best I can! I am not a failure!" The incident had left Rachel scared, lonely, and unsure of her decision. Months passed by, and Silas began to notice his love was not beginning to round out in the stomach, like she was supposed to. Instead, just the opposite was happening. She had grown gaunt, and her usually peachy skin had withered away to a gray, ashen color. Her eyes no longer held the light and mischief that once attracted Silas to her. Her hair had lost its glossiness, and now hung limply from her head. If anything, she looked sick, and unhealthy. One night, as they sat by the fire Silas made, he worked up the courage and nerve to ask, "Rachel, you are not pregnant, are you?" He didn't know what answer he wanted. If she said yes, that would be great, except, you couldn't raise a child on the streets of New York. Rachel looked at him, and for the first time in three months, her eyes showed feeling. "No Silas. I'm sorry, I lied. I really thought â" Silas didn't hear her. He walked away, distraught, but not about to have an emotional breakdown in front of her either. He beat the walls with his fists as he walked away, just to feel some pain other than what he was feeling right now. He tried to tell himself it was a good thing that she was not pregnant, that no matter how many sins he'd already committed, abandoning a child would not be one of them. No matter how Silas looked at it, it all came back down to the same thing: Rachel was not pregnant, and never would have his child.
He rounded the corner and ran full-force into a girl who looked to be about thirteen. "Hey, watch where you're going, dipshit!" A thirteen-year-old girl with the mouth of a sailor. Silas nodded and walked away, continuing to ignore her, when she spun around and called, "Hey, you got a place I could crash?" Silas turned and said, "I do, but you are not welcome." She ran after him and put on her innocent child eyes. "Please? It's really cold, and I have no place to stay. Besides," She ran a finger up and between Silas's legs, "I could pay you for it." She finished with a provocative wink. Silas pushed her away and got a good look at her under the streetlight. She had some figure, a good amount for a starved teenager, and she looked to be of Hispanic descent. He guessed Puerto Rican. Despite having been fingered and hit on by her, he felt some obligation to help her. Maybe it was the fact that Rachel wasn't going to have any children of his, but having her, this child whore, would be enough. "You may stay at my shelter, without pay." The girl's eyes lit up fiercely, and she practically jumped into his arms." Oh, thank you mister! My name is Tania." She held out her hand for him, and he took it. "My name is Silas. Follow me, you need to meet Rachel." Tania stopped in her tracks. Was Rachel a child like her, or his wife? "Uh, listen guy, Silas, whatever, if you've already got a girl, I'd hate to be third wheel to your sexings. I don't do that kinky threesome shit either." Silas looked at her and sighed. "You said you wanted shelter, you got it. But if you will not put up with my girlfriend, then fine." He walked away, and heard footsteps following him. He knew she would come. It was cold, and he had a fire.
As they approached, he saw Rachel lying on her stomach, halfway into the house of boxes. "Rachel?" he said, as he approached. She stirred, and looked at him, then collapsed again. "Rachel!" he yelled. As he got closer, he found short wounds on her back, from which blood poured. He looked around for the assailant, but found only himself. His Discipline. He knelt, overcome with grief, unable to believe he had forgotten it was with him. He knew he would need all his strength, and corporal mortification would drain it from him. He picked Rachel up, and cradled her in his arms, weeping softly into her hair. Behind him, Tania watched, desperately wanting to help, but unable to do so. "Silas...is there anything I can do to help?" Silas shook his head without turning around. Rachel moved again, and he shushed her, telling her not to waste her strength. She was trying to say something, but he couldn't understand. "Wait, Rachel. Wait until you are better." Rachel forced her eyes open and whispered, "I'm sorry." before falling asleep again. Silas sighed and cried a little longer. He had driven her to this point. This was all his fault. He never should have tried to make his dreams come true. This was not what he planned. He didn't want to be running from the police. But justice was served.
Silas carried Rachel into the make shift hut and lay her on the pile of cardboard and blankets. He turned around to see if Tania was still behind him, which she was, and motioned her to come. Tania felt awkward, but warm in this foreign home, but it was better than nothing. He is so kind. He is letting me stay here, even though his girlfriend is hurt. Tania set her satchel on the ground and quietly asked, "Is she alive?" Silas didn't turn around but whispered, "She is. I think she will be alright, but I am not so sure." He stroked her face. She looked so peaceful, asleep with her hair everywhere. Silas felt a pang of regret and nausea as he remembered what she told him.
No Silas. I'm sorry, I lied.
Silas pushed the thought from his head, because he knew it was only going to make him angrier. But the more he tried not to think about it, the more engraved it became into his mind. He stood and ran out the makeshift door, Tania unsure whether to go after the crazy albino man, or stay here incase his girlfriend woke up. Tania figured they'd both be in trouble if he did something stupid and got himself killed. She stood and ran after him. "Hey! Silas! Wait up!" Silas slowed only enough to turn and see Tania chasing after him. He slipped into another alley and kicked over a trashcan. He began pummeling it with his fists, leaving dent marks on the side. Tania stood and watched him release his anger, almost wanting to cry herself. She didn't know this man very well, but she already felt some sort of obligation to him. When he finally subsided, and broke down into a large, heaving, sobbing, pile, she walked over to him. She knelt next to him and put her arms around him. Silas stopped crying for a moment and looked at her. When he realized she was trying to comfort him, he cried even harder. Perhaps this is the Lord's way of showing me I am forgiven. Tania stroked his hair and began singing a lullaby her mother would sing to her. "Crio me mi madre, feliz y contentu. Quando me dormia me iba decendo, eh ah, eh ah, eh ah, eh. eh ah eh ah eh ah eh...eh ah eh ah eh ah eh ah ehah eh..." Silas understood perfectly. My mother raised me happy and content. When I went to sleep she would sing to me eh ah eh ah... He stopped crying and looked at her again. She smiled and asked, "Better?" Silas nodded and stood. His knuckles were bleeding and his head and nose was sore from all the heavy crying he did. Tania slipped her hand through his own and they walked back to check on Rachel.
Steve Dougherty felt like an ass. He let the perp get away, and as if to make things any worse, there was a woman running around pregnant with this wacko killer. His partner, Andrew Stone patted him on the back. "Don't worry. They'll turn up soon. It may not be tomorrow, and it may not be today, but hey, they will." But perhaps the worst thing was his younger partner's attempts to cheer him up. He couldn't take it anymore. "Look Andy boy, if you want to cheer me up, go buy me a six-pack, and two hoes." Andrew stared at him, trying to find if he was serious. The sad thing was, he couldn't tell. So he laughed. "Haha, right, like I'm going to spend MY money on you. You need to get out more often, get your head out of your ass, where the precinct shoves all your cases, and get a life." Steve stared at the young cop, then back down at his beer. He was right. Ever since his wife had left him, taking their two children along with her to god-knows-where, he had done nothing but devote himself to being a great cop, even if he couldn't be a great husband or father. "Look man, I'm sorry. It's just that you're such a downer sometimes. I miss the good ol' days, like when I first came here." Steve smirked. "I poked jokes at you every chance I got." Andrew finished off his beer and smiled. "Exactly."
Rachel opened her eyes and blinked several times before realizing she was alone. She found herself laying on her stomach, and when she moved again, the stinging pain of the whip wounds on her back screamed in pain. She collapsed again and sighed. Where was Silas? Ignoring the pain from her back and shoulders, she pushed herself up and looked around. The hut was empty, except for an unfamiliar satchel. Looking for her shirt, Rachel stood and groaned, gasping at the soreness she was in. She picked up her shirt and slipped it on, the fibers catching at her back. Was this how Silas always felt? Crawling towards the satchel, she heard a noise outside. She paused and through the curtain door, a little girl poked her head in. She had dark hair and eyes, a small locket, and the ever so popular AC/DC shirt proclaiming, "Dirty Deeds Done Cheap," even thought the title was, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap." Rachel wrapped her arms around herself and croaked, "Who are you?" The girl looked back, then stepped inside. "I'm Tania. Uh, Silas is outside, but he's kind of busy right now." Rachel swallowed back tears. Since Silas couldn't have a child from Rachel, he decided to turn to a teenager, a little girl. "Um, how did you and Silas, you know, uh, meet?" Tania tilted her head and said, "He ran into me, running from you I guess. I mean no offense! He won't tell me what happened or anything, he's just, quiet. It's kind of nice. I haven't been around a guy like him in a long time." Rachel nodded and held her knees. "He is, nice. He's completely mental, but he is, compassionate." Tania grinned. "He loves you very much, did you know that?" Rachel shook her head. "He seemed, more confused about me when we first met. But now, I don't think he loves me, like he used to. Not anymore." Her smile faded and Tania made a face. "What happened?" Rachel wasn't ready to talk about it. The wounds were still too fresh, and she didn't want to share her private life with a teenager. "Well, we both thought I was pregnant, but I never did an official test to see, so..." Tania's eyes filled with expression as she clamped a hand over her mouth. Rachel didn't need to finish the rest. It was obvious Tania understood.
After an awkward silence fell between them, Tania said, "Well, you can always keep trying." Rachel looked up from her feet. "What?" Tania grinned and stood. "You can keep trying! Keep at it like animals until you produce an offspring!" Rachel smiled. "I like your enthusiasm, but he probably won'tâ"
Tania interrupted. "Probably? I know that man is just dying for a piece of you! He's willing to give it another shot, you're willing to give it another shot, let's all have a shot!"
"All?"
"Fine, you two. My point is, is that you don't know if he wants to have a child or not, right?"
"Yeah..."
"But if you just raise your skirt a little and flip your hair with a provocative wink, he'll be on you like maggots on meat."
"Thanks for the simile."
"Hey, I work with what I've got."
Tania reached for her satchel and pulled out a hairbrush and rubber bands. She brushed all her hair forward, then pulled it into a ponytail that sat atop of her head like a crown. "If you don't mind my asking," Rachel began, "how old are you and why are you here?" Tania looked up from the floor, and for the first time since Rachel had met her, she showed a glimpse of sorrow in her eyes. "Well, I'll be fourteen in December, so I'm 13. I came here to become an actress." Rachel raised an eyebrow. "An actress? Will this be part of your life story?" Tania smiled. "No, I didn't think about what all I had to do. I'm trying to get enough money to go to an acting school here in New York, but I'm having difficulty as you can tell. I was ready to fuck your boyfriend for a place to sleep. Fuck is the currency, and it is international. It's accepted anywhere. It's a great gift, because you don't have to buy anything, and if they don't want it, it wasn't a waste of money. It's the gift that keeps on giving." She smiled cunningly. "Your Silas is hot. Sure he's pale as snow and weird and covered in scars. Is he emo?" Rachel was still trying to comprehend what she said before. Was this girl more than just a lowly child whore? Perhaps a sex fiend? "He's definitely emo, whatever that is. I guess it stand for emotional. Well, he does hurt himself, but not for sadness. Just atonement. I guess he's a kind of religious emo."
Silas didn't like being here. Every time he came here, he became immersed in memories of Marseilles. Everyone who he hated then was here. But this was the only place he could get food. He tried to ignore the catcalls and voices, but they reached out and lashed at his mind, filling him with dread.
"Hey Casper! Not so friendly are you!"
"You wanna fuck? As if any woman would ever come anywhere close to you."
"I'm going to cut your throat bitch! Look, he's runnin' away scared! Float away ghost boy!"
I am not a ghost boy.
Try as he might, the voices became louder, and one man even tripped him. He prayed that Rachel and Tania would not see him in such a state of belittlement. Suddenly, as he was carrying a large bag of discarded radishes, a powerful blow knocked him to the ground. "What you got for me, Ghost Bitch?" Lamont. Lamont had been stealing his food ever since he ran away. "Go, go away! This is for me, Rachel, and Tania!" Lamont shoved Silas's face back into the gravel with a heavy boot. "You named the baby Tania?"
"No, Rachel is not, pregnant." Lamont's boot lifted, and Silas jumped up immeadietly. Once down, never stay down. "So she lied to you? That whore. If she can't have kids, send her to me. I know a corner she could work." Silas threw down the bag of radishes and confronted Lamont. "I will not let you touch her you greasy ball of horse shit!" Silas knew a blow was coming, so when it did, he ducked out of the way and stepped behind Lamont, grabbing his hair and slamming his head into the wall with a loud splat. Silas ran as he heard Lamont screaming, "You crazy white bitch! I'll kill you!" As Silas got one last look in, seeing Lamont's face covered in blood, he closed his eyes, and hoped that it would be God that killed him, not some estranged pimp.