At World's End
S-Michael
Chapter the Thirteenth
Many Truths Revealed, Part 1
"If I'm not dead, and you're not alive, then what is going on?" Shinji asked. He looked around the room they were in. The walls were made of stone, but seemed to glow, and were covered in a flowery motif.
"This is the room of Gaff," Kowaru said.
"The room of Gaff? I mean, I've got to get back! The battle! Mass Produced Evangelions—"
"This is where angels come from," Kowaru explained. "Time doesn't exist here, so relax."
Shinji looked around the empty room. "There doesn't seem to be anything here," he said.
"Yeah, well, what do you expect? There aren't any more angels," Kowaru shrugged.
"So we killed them all? It's over?" Shinji asked.
"Of course, Shinji. I was the last," Kowaru said.
"You were the last?" Shinji asked?
"Of course. You know this, Shinji."
"But…you said…"
"Shinji, SEELE and NERV were up to something, something that couldn't have been good for you. They most likely both planned to double-cross one another, and so…I bluffed," Kowaru said. "There are no more angels. It would be impossible. There were only ever fifteen souls for the children of Adam."
"But…we fought more angels. There were three more, at least," Shinji said.
"That's impossible, dearest," Kowaru said.
"But it happened," Shinji said.
"It doesn't make sense."
" 'It's been my experience that if something happened and it doesn't make sense, it is because something is wrong with the way you're looking at it,'" Shinji said.
"That sounds like a quote," Kowaru said.
"It is. This guy I know. An American, his name is Browne. He said it to me the first time we met," Shinji said. "It stuck. Wow, that was just before the eighteenth angel…er, I mean…"
"I know what you mean," Kowaru said. "Alright, then. There are angels out there attacking humanity, in direct defiance of the fact that that is impossible. As there is no possible answer, the question must be wrong. That Browne guy sounds smart."
Shinji nodded. "He is."
"So lets look at it from a different angle," Kowaru said.
Shinji tried to think back, to look for relevant clues to this puzzle. "I'm not getting anything."
"Ah, well. Luckily, we're sitting on top of the ultimate tool for looking at things from different angles."
"The hall of Gaff?"
"No. The Ark of the Covenant. The room of Gaff is attached to the Ark and also to the White Seed," Kowaru said. "There is, however, one thing we have to do before we use it like that."
"What?"
"The whole reason I am here instead of the afterlife is because I am Adam's soul. As such, it is my duty to sit inside of the Ark of the Covenant and wait for discovery.
"You see, the White Seed and the Black Seed were never meant to land on the same planet. They are supposed to land on two different planets in the same system, so that when lillim explore their system and land on the other world, they find life there, as well. And this is where the Ark should be, with the other world. There, you learn the truth about your origins. What I am saying is, once we're inside the Ark, I'll be forced to give a spiel."
"Sounds interesting," Shinji said. He looked around. "How do we get there, though? There aren't any doors."
There was sudden blackness, and then there was an explosion. Shinji and kowaru were floating in nothingness, staring at an expanding mass. "The Big Bang, artistic rendering. It's a load of BS, though. At this point in the existence of the universe, there would be no light, as there is too much matter clogging every last nanometer of the newborn universe. The crucible. The beginning of the universe as we know it, the one composed of electrons, neutrons, protons, as well as some positrons and anti-protons, in three-dimensional space. As the universe expands, the matter soup loosens enough to allow for visible light—well, visible if there was anyone there to see it, that is—and the universe becomes a very bright place.
"Then matter forms into giant spheres called stars, but not the stars we know today. Super-massive stars, the size of galaxies, burning hydrogen and helium, because those were the only gasses that existed back then, all other materials in the universe were created through the fusion reactions that take place in stars."
"Yeah, I know that," Shinji said. "Who doesn't?"
"Bear with me, dearest. This is the part you don't know: not all super-stars were created equal," Kowaru said. "That is, some of them exploded earlier than others, and as these are supermassive bodies were talking about, the differences could be up to billions of years. The remnants of the superstars would create the stars and planets of the galaxies we know today, but before they had all exploded, even before very many of them had exploded, there were already mini-galaxies forming, with 'normal stars' and planets in them."
The scenery changed. They were no longer floating. They were lying on their backs on a grassy knoll, staring up at a blue sky with wispy clouds. It could have been earth, except that the sky was filled with thousands of suns, some a tenth the apparent size of Sol when viewed from Earth, some barely larger than normal stars.
"This was the night sky of the homeworld of the First Ancestral Race. Those 'suns' are super-stars, thousands of light-centuries distant," Kowaru explained. A great red sphere rose over the horizon. It reminded Shinji of what the sun would look like billions of years from now, but somehow too small. Kowaru must have seen the look on his face, because he said: "This planet is much farther away from its sun than yours is from Sol. The sun being a dim red giant that blocked out the light from other stars, this world's days were ironically darker than its nights.
"The people who lived in this young universe were gods. They dared to do the impossible. They discovered the secrets of the universe, one by one, until they knew everything. They dreamed of shaping the universe to suit their purposes. And they did.
"The First Ancestral Race learned of the AT-Fields, and implemented them in their creations."
"I've noticed," Shinji commented dryly.
"The AT-Field is the barrier that separates every soul from every other soul, and from the all. You people seek a soul that is separate from the body, but no such thing exists; life is the state of having an AT-Field, and death is what happens when your AT-Field breaks down and you rejoin with the all. The earliest life forms evolved the AT-Field so that they may concentrate their consciousnesses on their personal needs."
" 'Life is a fad indulged by matter and energy. One day, they will grow up and cease with such silliness,'" Shinji quoted.
"Ah, yes, you remember me saying that. It's true. The only thing that separates the self from the all is the AT-Field."
"So every rock is alive?"
"No more than your kidney is. Actually, less, because your kidney is made of cells. But as the matter that is your body holds your consciousness, so does the matter that is the universe hold its consciousness.
"For millions of years, the First Ancestral Race dominated their galaxy, but they knew that the end was coming. So they created life. They created the two strains, the two Trees. The Tree of Knowledge produced the Black Seeds, the Lilith strain, which was programmed to create the lillim. The Tree of Life produced the White Seeds, the Adam strain, which was unprogrammed, so that other possible paths of evolution could be studied.
"The great stars died and from their bodies rose the galaxies we know, the proto-galaxies became wisps of dust floating in the void between their younger brethren, and the seeds spread across the newborn galaxies around what had been theirs. The dead hand of the First Ancestral Race reached across the Milky Way, the Andromeda, the Pegasus, and everywhere it touch sprang life—human life. This is the reason that lilim worship beings that look like themselves. These were the first gods, the only true gods."
The scene changed again. They were floating above a solar system. "This is your solar system in its youth. Notice anything wrong? Look at the third planet."
Shinji looked. "That's not the Earth. That's a double-planet."
"Two planets. The Seeds were to land, one on each, but the landing of Seeds, it's not a gentle thing. The world that was to be Lilith's crashed into the one that was to be Adam's and a good portion of the world was ejected into space, becoming the moon. The rest coalesced into its sister world. There were two bodies before and two bodies after, but while before they had been equal, now one was six times the size of the other, and both eggs were on the lager sphere, which might as well have been the case, as it was the one with atmosphere. This was First Impact. The First Ancestral Race prepared for something like this, though; as every Adam had an Ark, every Lilith had a Lance of Longinus. And then, well, you know the rest.
"The beginning of life, blah, blah, blah, evolution, blah, blah, blah," Kowaru waved his hand. "Then there was Second Impact, which was caused when a bunch of lilim didn't leave well enough alone. Look, I understand that you people are biologically incapable of leaving well enough alone, but couldn't you at least figure out what you're doing before you start pressing buttons and shit?"
"Actually, SEELE planned Second Impact, and there would have been a Third Impact if they had their way," Shinji said.
"That…doesn't make sense," Kowaru said, shocked. Shinji explained Human Instrumentality to him. "Oh. And that's what I stopped from happening? Thank God it was stopped, then. That is a very stupid plan."
"It is?" Shinji asked.
"Death is what happens when your AT-Field breaks down. Breaking down the AT-Fields of every human being on the planet would have all the drawbacks of death, as in loss of personality, and none of the benefits, as in being one with the universe and not having to deal with being part of an organism. Not to mention, a creature whose soul is made of the souls of lilim will have the same needs of the soul as lilim, specifically, companionship. In short, it's a fate somewhat worse than death."
"Ouch," Shinji said. "So, are we ready to do this thing yet?"
"Almost. There's one last thing. This is more something I want to make clear than anything I am required to say."
"What?"
"We…my siblings and I, that is…we never wished any ill will onto the lilim. All we wanted was to rejoin with Adam and go back to sleep. We were tossed into the world, incomplete…like I said, our purpose was to seed life. Did you ever see any seeding organs on any of our bodies? This was why we searched for Adam, why we wished to join with our parent," Kowaru said.
"But…" Then Shinji remembered. Back at the beginning of this improbable series of events which had become Shinji Ikari's life, Sachiel hadn't attacked first. It had been attacked long before it reached Tokyo 3. "We started it," he said, awestruck. "We started it; my father started it!"
"SEELE started it. It was always their war, to gain control of the Tree of Life," Kowaru soothed.
"And they all used me. During this entire fight with the angels, I was their pawn," Shinji said. So why am I still fighting angels? He had the crazy idea that he was still, somehow, their pawn, and it filled him with rage. Then he calmed himself. Most of his temper tantrums seemed to end before the impulse to hurt something had reached the nerve endings—before they started, in other words.
"Shinji, before we do this, I've got to warn you, it will be a little…weird," Kowaru changed the subject.
"Weirder than what just happened?"
"Much. Now, like I said, time doesn't exist here. That's because we are actually somewhat outside of time and space. And…well, what do you know about quantum physics?"
"Not a lot."
"Well, just take my word for it that there is an infinite number of alternate universes out there in which certain things happened differently. You're going to experience other universes vicariously through your doubles—you'll see what they see, think what they think, etcetera. There's really no preparing yourself for something like it. Are you ready?"
"One second. Alternate universes? Does that mean that I'll be hanging with Genghis Kahn or whatever?"
"No. That's alternate reality, not alternate universe. Ready?"
Shinji nodded. The next thing he knew—
¡FLASH!
How could he? How could he have? That was all that was going though Shinji Ikari's head. Don James had been a friend, and here he was…
"The accused is hereby convicted of treason, and sentenced to death. This court marshal is over, take him away."
"Wait," Browne said. "Donald…why?"
Don James half smiled. "Haven't you figured it out? I thought this was your specialty. Probably just in shock, no doubt. Well, I'll give you however many clues you need. I am and have always been the best at everything I do. I know fifteen languages, not because I have any real need of that many, but because I am just that competitive." There was an edged to Don James' voice Shinji had never heard before: vindictiveness. It was hard to believe that this venomous traitor—traitor to SEELE, no less!—was the same person as the easygoing guy who routinely kicked Shinji's ass in videogames.
Don James continued: "You, however…no one could lie to you. You are the master of the mindfuck, the human lie detector, the lord and master of all things psychological, and damn it, it was possible that you might be better than me. At first I tried little lies, and I seemed to get away with it, but you could have just been humoring me. You are like the father I never had, but the thought that you might be playing games with me, not taking me seriously…God, it was infuriating!
"Some wise guy once said that it is our limits that make us human, but try as I might, I could never find mine. So what does that make me, old man? What does that make me?"
"It is human nature to want to test one's limits, and you never could…" Browne said.
"…causing me to become estranged to myself. To view the world surreally. To take desperate measures, just to reaffirm my own humanity," Don James said. He sighed. "You know, I would have preferred to die saving the world or something dramatic like that, but this way, at least I die a human." Just like him, to always get the last word. He walked towards his death with his head held high, defiant to the end.
¡FLASH!
"Fuck damn it!" Shinji cursed, coming to himself. Then: "Don James…was a traitor?"
"Friend of yours?" Kowaru asked.
"Yes. I only knew him for a few days, but…yes. He died a hero," Shinji said.
"Tell me when you're ready," Kowaru said.
"Ready for what?" Shinji asked, though he knew.
"We didn't find the answers yet," Kowaru said. "We must try again."
"Damn it, I did not like what I saw."
"Right, I should have warned you about that. Sorry," Kowaru said. "Damn it, all I ever wanted to do was protect you, and now I'm subjecting you to this. Look, we don't have to do this—"
"Yes, we do," Shinji said. "I have to know what is going on. Do it!"
¡FLASH!
It was a closed casket funeral. Of course. Don James' charred remains would have caused vomiting. Shinji had certainly vomited, when they pulled what was left of him out of Unit 01. How could someone so smart be so stupid? Don James had insisted on trying it out, in spite of being too old to be good pilot material. He begged and pleaded and got a few strings pulled, and finally he got to try it. His sync ratio had been somewhere around 30 the first time he tried it, and then it dropped…and dropped…and dropped. Long after he dropped below the minimum ratio that someone could have and still be a pilot candidate, which he had barely been above in the first place, he continued to try, and his ratio continued to fall. In a ghastly parallel of the time that Shinji had been absorbed into Unit 01, Don James had gone berserk in there, actually achieving a -300 sync ratio, and the Eva cooked him alive. Much like the way your body is trying to cook germs alive when you have a fever. Damn it—how could someone so smart have been so stupid? Why didn't he give up? The answer, of course, was because he didn't have it in him to give up.
"Hey, Mr. Browne," Shinji said softly. Browne was the one he really felt sorry for. Don James had been like a son to him.
"Hey," Browne said.
"So…how are things?"
Browne shrugged. "They are as they are. The Sahaquiel II is in orbit, but there's something wrong with it's weapon. We're going to have to bring it back down and fix it…or send someone up to it. Look, Shinji, take it from someone who has lost loved ones before—"
"I have, as well," Shinji said.
"Oh, right. Sorry, I just sort of had a brain fart. Of course you have. You already know what I was going to say, then," Browne said.
"It's understandable," Shinji said soothingly.
"How do you do it, Shinji? You've had more horrible shit happen to you than even I have. So how do you stay strong?"
"You're stronger than I am, Mr. Browne."
"No, I'm not. I am simply fueled by rage, Shinji, rage at the human condition. And I have a direction, a purpose, something to use the pressure to reach. As soon as I have accomplished my goals, I will have nothing left, be nothing more. I died fifteen years ago. You, however, are alive and growing stronger, every day. How do you do it?"
Misato. "I have a girlfriend."
Browne actually smiled, but not like he was happy. "Ah, right. Of course. At this point in my life, though, it's beginning to look like I will never marry." He chuckled mirthlessly. "All this shit I have accomplished, all that I have made of myself, and I shall never do the one thing I have always wanted to do! I shall never marry, I shall never see the smiling face of my firstborn baby daughter—"
"You want your firstborn to be a girl, too?"
"Yeah. And I shall name her Raven Alexandra Lauren Browne. Her little brother shall be named Jalen Florian Kia Browne. Would have been, that is," Browne said.
"Akiko and Kira, respectively," Shinji said. Akiko Katsuragi. Kira Katsuragi.
"Nice."
¡FLASH!
"Wow, your friend sure seems to be death-prone," Kowaru said.
"I guess he is," Shinji said, shaken.
"Are you sure you want to continue this?"
"Yes," Shinji said.
Kowaru nodded. He kissed Shinji on the forehead. "Very well."
¡FLASH!
They were operating out of an abandoned school in Ethiopia. The twentieth angel was making mincemeat out of Saudi Arabia, but HALO wasn't about to enter enemy territory. Shinji entered the classroom that was serving as Browne's office. "You wanted me?"
"Yes, but not just you. Have a seat, if you like," Browne said, and then resumed pacing furiously. Shinji looked around, but all of the desks were stacked against the wall, so he just leaned against the chalk board. After a minute, the door opened again, and Misato came in.
They saw each other, and they both tried to pretend that it wasn't awkward. Secret relationships were hard to keep secret. Secret breakups were even harder, if you lived and worked with the person, and had many of the same friends.
"Ah, good, you're both here. Lock the door, Misato." Browne went to get something from his desk. "Normally, I don't like to butt into the affairs of my underlings, as long as they don't affect the performance of their duties, but this is." Browne tossed the papers onto his desk. "Those are your latest sync ratios, Shinji, and they're dropping off the face of the earth."
"I'm sorry," Shinji mumbled, looking at his feet. At least, if he was looking at his feet, he wasn't looking at Misato…
"Don't be sorry, damn it! Fix it. That's what we're doing right now. We're fixing it," Browne said.
"Fixing what?" Misato asked.
"What's wrong," Browne said. "Welcome to couple's therapy."
Misato paled; Shinji knew he must have, too. "W-what are you talking about? We're not a couple," Misato said defensively.
"Cut it out," Browne snapped. "I know about the two of you, okay? I've known since I first met you, and even if I hadn't, your reactions right now would prove it." He cleared his throat. "Ahem. We're going to sit down and talk out your problems right now."
"So…you approve of this kind of thing?" Misato asked, pointing to herself and Shinji.
"As a general rule, no. But you two strike me as being well and truly in love," Browne said. "You might want to get seats; this could take a while."
¡FLASH!
"Misato and I broke up in that universe?" Shinji lamented. Then he remembered who he was with.
"Oh, so you two are an item? I'm glad; I always knew there was something between you," Kowaru said.
"I thought she was the one," Shinji said.
"Shinji, don't worry about it. That Browne guy is going to get alternate-you and alternate-Misato back together again," Kowaru said.
"How do you know? Did you see into that world's future?"
"No. I didn't need to, Shinji. He's right. Even back when we were an item, you and she were halfway-in love," Kowaru said. "Look, maybe we should stop."
"Why?" Shinji asked.
"If you're so disturbed by this, something truly world-shattering will, well, shatter you," Kowaru said.
"I'm sorry, it's just that I'm so built into myself and Misato…"
"And that's understandable," Kowaru assured him. "The thing is, there is no such thing as 'the one.' There are an infinite number of universes in which you end up with an infinite number of different partners, or none at all, and the longer we do this, the more likely it is that you will see yourself with someone other than Misato. And the other you will love this other woman, too, most likely. Can you handle this, Shinji?"
"I don't know. But I'm going to continue to do this. I'm sick and tired of being people's pawns," Shinji said. Kowaru sighed. "What?"
"It's just that…you're so different now," Kowaru said. "In a good way. You're sure of yourself, stronger, more resilient. I tried to do these things for you, but couldn't. Misato did, didn't she?" Shinji nodded. Kowaru nodded. "She did what I could not. If this is what my death has bought for you, I'm glad I made that bargain."
"Kowaru…"
"No. She is better for you than I was. It's good. It's just…to see you, become everything that I ever wanted you to be, and I can't even kiss you…it is a hard thing, to know you're not mine," Kowaru said.
"I'll al—" …ways be yours.
"You can't say it, can you? That's because you know I'm right. Thanks for the thought, but we both know that there is only one sun at the center of your universe, and it's not me anymore; it's Misato," Kowaru said.
"Ahem," Kowaru cleared his throat. "Back to business. Before we continue where we left off, I want to run some test cases, to see if you can handle this. One second. It's going to take a little while. I'm looking for a world far removed from this one, and one in which you are dating someone you don't even know in this universe." Kowaru closed his eyes. After a minute, he opened them. "Alright. Are you ready? Here we go."
¡FLASH!