Rory lay curled up against Logan, cuddled close against his side. He looked down at her as she watched TV, noticing the glazed look in her eyes and realizing she wasn't really paying attention to the screen at all. It was stupid, but he loved when she was too tired to care about appearances. She was much more pliant and much more likely to touch or snuggle into him like she was doing now.
They'd known each other for nine months. That was it. Just under a year ago he'd said hello to her at a fundraiser he'd sponsored and they'd gone out to coffee that Monday morning and talked more about the world than about what they were there to chat about. He'd never expected anything to come of their originally working relationship but it had blossomed into a camaraderie he had with very few people.
Six months into their friendship he had stayed by her side when her adopted daughter was rushed to the hospital. She'd fallen asleep on his shoulder, and he'd talked with Sophie for the first time. Now, at weeks end, he'd only ventured into the office for meetings trying to make complete and total sure that Rory recovered completely from her flu.
It was silly that he'd become so comfortable with the routine they'd established. It was only this night, after tonnes of begging from Rory and swearing she was back to one hundred percent – which, if he was honest, she'd probably been two days ago – that he'd called Lorelai and asked she spend the night with Sophie. Then he whisked Rory away for a home cooked meal at his place and they were now settled on his couch.
He'd been trying to find a way to tell her about Catherine since his conversation with Honour months ago. She was right. Rory deserved to know everything about him if he wanted anything substantial with her and though Honour had agreed it would take awhile for them to the point where nothing was off limits, Logan knew that telling Rory about the only girl who had broken his heart would give her immense insight.
The important revelation was that he wanted something more substantial with her. He didn't want to 'just be friends' as clichéd as it sounded. He wanted her against him like this all the time.
"Did I ever tell you about Catherine?" he asked her, staring at a pointless spot on the wall. He felt Rory shift and knew she was looking up at him.
"Catherine?" she asked.
Logan nodded. "Catherine's Foundation was Honour's idea because she hated the way everything fell apart. She wanted to give kids with a terminal illness a chance to say and do everything they wanted before they passed on and to give families and friends a chance to accept that it's happening. But it's called Catherine's Foundation for a reason."
Rory had assumed that much. She'd never pressured Honour into telling her why she'd been so adamant about starting the thing in the first place, nor had Rory pushed to understand the trust it had obviously taken Honour to ask her to help get the foundation of the ground. Still, she kept silent. If there was one thing she'd learned about Logan it was that he spoke at his own pace. Questions about what he was talking about wouldn't be helpful in getting the answers.
"Catherine Miller was my best friend. We were next door neighbours and our nannies were friends so we spent a lot of time together. I would have done anything for her." He looked down at her then, but only for a moment. "We were eight years old and talking about our wedding."
Rory's eyes widened in surprise.
"When we were ten she collapsed in her backyard. We were goofing around, playing tag with Honour and Catie's brother Braeden when she just collapsed. Honour started screaming and crying and the nannies came rushing towards us. I remember being at the hospital, waiting to hear if everything was okay with Catie and trying not to cry because I was so scared."
Rory could see the fresh pain in his eyes and face, even if he wasn't looking at her. The tension in his body spoke volumes of how difficult this was for him to explain. She laced their fingers together in support and comfort and was only slightly surprised when he squeezed her fingers.
"Turned out Catie had leukemia. Braeden didn't know anything about it, but apparently the nannies knew. It had never really been a big deal. They found that Braeden was a suitable bone marrow donor and there was no question about him going through with whatever it took to keep his sister alive and get her healthy again. We were all like that, you know. Society parents aren't always the most comforting and you turn to your siblings. Its why Honour and I are so close." He glanced down to find her completely absorbed in his story, tears in her own eyes but shockingly, no pity. "A year later, after chemo and radiation she was in remission and Honour, Braeden and I figured we had nothing to worry about."
He fell silent, his internal struggle obvious in the few salty tears that dropped out of his eyes. This would be the first time he ever told a woman that wasn't related to him about Catherine's death and the havoc it had wreaked on his psyche.
"You don't have to keep going if you don't want to," Rory said softly, meaning every word even as she clung to his hand. She didn't want to put him through the torture of talking about something he obviously still tormented him. When he didn't say anything for another five minutes, she decided to share part of her own experiences with terminal illness.
"I've never had a terminally ill family member. I hadn't met anyone who was that sick until I started working with Honour on this foundation. That's where I met Sophie. She was the sweetest girl I had ever met. She battled her cancer with strength that I've only ever seen in my mother, but her parents didn't have the money to keep her treatments going, nor did they have the resources to find a suitable donor for her. Honour and I have never been picky about the kids we help, but when I presented Sophie's story to her and the rest of the board of directors, there was no question about helping her."
Rory took a deep breath. "We always needed parental consent before we did anything for Soph, but we basically took over all of the considerations for her care. Doctors consulted us first, then we took it to her parents. She was slowly getting better and better and her parents were so happy.
"They were on their way to pick up Sophie from a treatment when they were hit by a drunk driver. I had to give Sophie the news and I've never seen a child collapse in on themselves like she did. She yelled and screamed at me, telling me that it wasn't funny to lie to a dying child, especially after going through what she'd been through. I couldn't do anything but hold her close and try to reassure her that everything would be okay. I can still see the look on her face sometimes." She hadn't realized she was crying until Logan's thumb came up to brush away the tears that were falling down her cheeks.
"Sophie became a ward of the state, which wasn't surprising. What tore me apart was that they pulled her out of the foundation. I couldn't think of anything that I could do to get her back, but I visited her in the hospital all the time. She…when her parents died, she swore there was nothing else for her. She stopped fighting and I was so mad at her for that. She kept getting worse and worse and I didn't know what to do. It was the first time in my life I felt completely helpless."
Making a mental note to thank Rory profusely for allowing him those moments to recover and for sharing part of her own story, Logan found his strength to continue Catherine's story. "When we were fifteen, we were at the same boarding school. We'd started dating, like our families figured we would, and everything was great. Then Catie started acting strange. She got really quiet and really withdrawn and started missing more and more days of school. Finally, I got fed up and went over to her house to talk to her about it."
This was the hardest part of the story. He'd refused to talk to anyone about watching Catherine deteriorate, but not only did he trust Rory Hayden, but she'd watched a girl much younger fall into the same depression. "She told me the cancer had come back and she wasn't sure if she could fight it this time. I can remember yelling at her in her bedroom for the pessimistic attitude, but Catie just took it. She didn't yell back, she didn't kick me out for being rude, she just stayed in bed and listened to me rant. When I was done, she made me lie beside her and said 'I love you, Logan, but I'm not strong enough to fight this.' It scared the hell out of me."
Rory chuckled slightly. "Sophie told me I was being selfish when I asked her why she stopped fighting. She said all she wanted was to see her parents, nothing else. All that mattered was that she was reunited with her family again. She didn't want to live in a foster home or an orphanage when they moved her to out-patient procedures, and since the state wasn't going to support her continued involvement with Catherine's Foundation, she was pretty sure that dying in the hospital was better than dying in some foster home with people that didn't care."
Logan was able to crack the smallest hint of a smile. "Knew about The System, did she?"
"We've been negotiating with the state to allow us to help out some other kids that have foster families requesting the foundation's help. Technically they're wards of the state so we have to jump through all sorts of legal hoops to get them and I had a horrible habit of ranting to Sophie when something went wrong. Still do, actually."
"That was Catherine for me. She'd just listen to me go on and on about my parents and about how I was forced to go to Yale and about how I was going to take over the family company. Losing her was the worst thing that ever happened to me."
It hadn't taken Rory long to piece together that he was telling her the story behind Catherine's Foundation and since Honour had once given her a brief background on why she'd wanted to start the thing in the first place, Rory wasn't surprised that Catherine had passed on as a result of her illness. Silence settled over them, one that was contemplative and surprisingly not awkward in the slightest.
"It was my mother that gave me the idea to adopt Sophie. The girl had no family left, and she already knew me because of the Foundation and because of all the time we spent together during hospital visits and treatments. She was surprised that I even suggested it. I rushed the papers through as fast as I could and then I was Sophie's legal guardian. The first thing I did was call Honour and tell her to grab all of Sophie's paperwork and send it to me so I could register her with us again. Sophie and I have been a pair ever since."
"I didn't go to school for weeks after Catie died. I couldn't make myself do it. Colin and Finn – more the former than the latter – brought me my work and fielded all of the questions from the student body, but it took me the better part of two months before I thought I could face the public again. Honour was my rock through it all. I don't know what I would have done without her."
"That's my mom. She sat with me and Sophie when things got bad and I swear she was the one that forced Sophie to promise me she wouldn't give up yet. Now Soph's been in remission for a year and a half," Rory revealed. "I'm so scared the cancer will come back and I'll lose her for good this time."
Logan was absolutely astounded by the depth of Rory's heart. She hadn't showered him with pity or sympathy and hadn't tried to comfort him any further than her hold on his hand. Instead, she revealed her own painful interaction with childhood illness and even some of her fears. Logan was suddenly struck with the feeling that she understood him, more so than anyone had in his life. And that he couldn't let that go.
"Sophie's lucky to have you," he said candidly.
"Like Catherine was lucky to have you," Rory replied. Silence settled over them again as they attempted to process everything that had just occurred. Those stories weren't ones shared with just anyone.
"I'm glad you told me," Rory said after a while. "If there's one thing I hate it's feeling helpless and that was definitely what I was feeling when you started to close off. We're friends, Logan and friends trust each other."
Logan met her crystalline gaze and held it relentlessly. "I've never told anyone about Catie. I've never trusted someone enough to tell them."
Rory had already understood the gravity of the situation. "Sophie is my closest guarded secret. My Gilmore grandparents know nothing about her. They wouldn't approve of the single motherhood thing, especially since my mother chose to do it instead of getting married when she was pregnant with me. Honour knows because she had to, my mom knows, and now you know." She couldn't look away and didn't even have the will power to try. She hadn't realized they were leaning towards each other until her nose touched his.
The first kiss was tentative, slow and gentle because Logan felt that was what Rory deserved. He wanted to talk to her first, to outline to her that telling her about Catherine had another motive, but the first taste of her lips was definitely no where near enough. He couldn't stop himself from claiming her lips again, delving his tongue into her mouth and cupping the back of her head.
She was in no way a passive participant, however. Though he didn't give her time to give him access to her mouth the second time, she fought back against his tongue, pushing herself against him as best she could. His hands roamed down her back and over her behind while hers trailed along his shoulders and down his front as he moved on top of her. He pulled back, meeting her hazy blue eyes, now a shade darker in what he assumed was arousal. There was no way she wasn't aware of his own.
"What are we doing?" he asked softly before diving in for another heated kiss. In reality, he knew exactly what was going on, knew exactly what he wanted from her. It had nothing to do with regret, sympathy or comfort. He wanted her. It was just that simple.
"I have no idea," Rory confessed when he pulled back again, hoping he didn't see through her lies. She knew what she wanted from him, knew what was going to happen and was not only powerless to stop it but had no desire to. "But I don't want to stop."
It was all the coaxing Logan needed to pick her up and carry her to his bedroom.
Rory woke the next morning to an empty bed and the smell of coffee. It wasn't the first time she'd woken in Logan's bed, though it was the first time it had happened and she'd been naked. She closed her eyes, allowing the night to replay in startling clarity. She could remember every word, touch and kiss between them since they started talking about Catherine. She felt the bed dip beside her and opened her eyes.
"Morning, Ace," Logan said softly, offering her a steaming cup.
Tucking the sheet under her arms she accepted the coffee and drank a huge gulp. "Morning, Logan."
They sat in silence, just looking at each other for a few moments.
"It wasn't comfort sex," he finally said, breaking the silence and the ice.
Rory couldn't help the heat that swamped her body at his admission. "It wasn't comfort sex," she agreed, her voice equally as soft as his had been.
"We've been dancing around this thing for a while," he continued.
"We have."
"Even Honour noticed."
"She asked me about it."
Silence.
"What are we doing?"
"Admitting there's undeniable attraction between us," Rory said frankly. "And that we've acted on it."
Logan took a deep breath. "I want to keep acting on it."
"Logan, I'm a girlfriend girl. You don't do commitment."
"You've heard I don't do commitment," he corrected, slightly hurt.
"You don't want to get hurt so you avoid it. I need the stability."
"You need to take risks."
"I won't risk my heart."
He almost didn't catch her words. "What?"
"What we're doing, Logan? There's more to it than just the physical. There's something else there and I'm not… I can't risk losing my heart."
"Why not? And don't throw my reputation back in my face."
He was getting angry, and she knew it. "I can't help it. It exists."
"Have I ever done anything to hurt you? In the nine months we've been friends, almost the best of friends, have I ever done anything that hurt you."
"Well, no, but being friends is different…"
"How?" he asked harshly. "How is being friends different from being in a relationship?"
"There's more to a relationship than friendship."
"Of course there is. There's attraction, there's depth, there's unconditional trust." He took her coffee cup and set it beside his on the bedside table. "I trust you unconditionally, Rory."
She gasped. "You called me Rory."
"I want to be clear. You're special. You're not 'one of the many'. You're so much more."
These were all the words Rory had been dying to hear from him. She'd been dreaming of him declaring he wanted her and only her, but dreaming it and experiencing it in real life were two different things. "I'm attracted to you, we've established that. I trust you with everything, we've proven that."
"You don't trust me with everything," he contradicted. "You don't trust me with your heart."
"You're dangerous."
"Jump."
"What?"
"Take a risk on me. You won't regret it."
"I won't?"
"You won't."
Rory was silent for a minute, thinking things over.
"Do you need to make a pro-con list?"
She rewarded him with a smile for lightening the mood. "Do not mock the pro-con lists."
"Sorry."
Silence fell again.
"Okay," she finally said.
"What?"
"I'll jump. I'll take a risk on you."
"You'll be my girlfriend?" Logan asked, his voice shaking.
"Do you want me to take it back?" Rory teased.
Logan's eyes widened. "No!" he exclaimed. "I just figured it would take more persuasion."
Rory shrugged. "You jump, I jump, Jack."