A'ight, it appears my half-year long absence from this site has lost some of my faithful reviewers, but Lady Xiao and Paupu, I love you both, thanks for staying with me. :D
Uhh, nice and long chapter today. Woohoo for you guys, I guess. ;D This chapter's actually got some ACTION in it; unbelievable, I know, we're done with shitty dialogue for a while and we get into some real fighting. Woohoo.
And as usual, too lazy to spellcheck/grammar check, so any mispellings can burn in the depths of hell. Haha. I don't care. Normally I can spell stuff reasonably well, so I don't think there's too many errors anyway.
Just out of curiosity, does anyone actually read this crap, or do you just skip to the story? I admit I skip author notes and go straight to the story; if anyone actually reads this, put "Cheese" in your review. :D Enough crap, story time!!!
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The day of the first annual Wu Martial Arts Tournament had finally dawned, and all of the generals had gathered in the large auditorium behind the large stone stadium.
We could already hear the townspeople and the peasents gathering inside and sitting down on the stone benches some of Wu's soldiers had placed for the comfort of the onlookers. From what it sounded like, the unofficial Ling Tong Fanclub had arrived, judging by the constant shrieks of "WE LOVE LING TONG!!" emitting from the stands.
Tong looked annoyed. "I keep TELLING them to stop following me!!" he whined.
Quan cleared his throat. "Alright, everyone who is competing, please step up to this table so we can get the basics clarified. I want nice, clean fights-- no weapons, either-- with no cheating or no dirty sneak attacks. That means NO KICKS BELOW BELT."
Some of the guys winced at the thought. "Shang Xiang, don't play coy, I see you giggling over there," Quan scolded.
"What? I'm not gonna do anything!" I said innocently.
"Shang Xiang, if I believed that to be true, I wouldn't be your brother. Anyways, I want all of you to fight well, give these good people a show, and most of all, have fun!! Haven't you always wanted to give one of your fellow generals a good punch in the nose, without fear of being charged with treasony?" Quan asked.
I wasn't the only one who noticed Tong shooting Gan Ning evil looks. I rolled my eyes. If those two fought, I already pitied Gan Ning.
"So! I want all of you to write your names down on this piece of paper I am now passing around. I will drop your names into--" he snatched Lu Xun's hat-- "THIS hat. I will pick your names and whoever is out first and second, third and fourth, fifth and sixth, and so on will fight! The winners of those matches will move up, and we'll keep going until we're done!" Quan said.
We all scribbled our names down on the papers (as expected, Gan Ning didn't know how to spell his own name, so he drew a picture of himself instead) and tossed them into Lu Xun's commandeered hat. Quan rolled up his long sleeves, plucked a name out, cleared his throat, and read:
"Sun Shang Xiang!"
"All right!" I said. Hopefully I'd get put up against some wimp for my first match. (Lu Xun would be appriciated.)
"Fighting against her will be... Taishi Ci!!"
My jaw dropped as I watched Taishi Ci crack his knuckles. "Don't expect any mercy, Princess," he said.
Uh oh. That wasn't what I had in mind.
"Second match, we have... Ling Tong!"
"Cool!!" Tong said happily.
"Fighting against... Xiao Qiao!"
"Yay!!" Xiao cheered, while Tong groaned. "I'm gonna beat you up, Tongie!!"
"Round Three, we have... what the hell? Wait a minute, that's Gan Ning! You're not a very good artist, are you?"
"Buddy, I used to be a pirate. I make do with what I've got," Gan Ning said.
"Versus... Lu Xun!" Quan continued, ignoring Ning's smart-mouthed response.
"Oh no! Why me?" Lu Xun wailed, looking scared for his life.
"Don't worry, little buddy, you're not gonna die," Ning said, grinning and thumping Lu Xun on his shoulder, causing him to topple to the ground. "Oops. Well, um, I'll try not to hurt ya too bad..."
Lu Xun groaned. "I'm dead."
"Round Four, we have... Lu Meng! Versus... Zhou Yu!" Quan said, waving the paper around.
The strategists casually nodded to each other, neither reacting too dramatically.
"Round Five, we have... Da Qiao! And her opponent will be--"
"WAIT JUST A DAMNED MINUTE!!" Ce yelled, waving his arms around like a giant insect and smacking Da Qiao in the face, I assume by accident. "My pregnant wife will NOT be participating in this!! Oh, and sorry, honey!"
Quan squinted at the paper. "According to this paper, she is."
"NOT WHILE IT'S MY KID IN THERE!" Ce screamed, jumping up and down in his rage and pointing to Da's body. She hadn't been pregnant long enough for any significant size increase, so Ce was just being stupid.
"Placing your name in this hat is equivalent to a blood oath. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Once you're in, you're in," Quan confirmed."
"In-sane, more like," Ce growled.
"Don't worry, my lord!" Da said, rubbing her nose, which was bleeding due to Ce's previous spaz attack. "Besides, if I back down then we'll have an odd number of contestants!"
"Anyways, Da Qiao will be fighting... Huang Gai!!"
Huang Gai grunted. "Are you KIDDING!?" he asked. "I'm not fighting a pregnant woman!"
"Oh, my poor heart," Ce said, and fell over onto his back. Da and Xiao whipped out their fans and fanned him to conciousness again.
"Sixth, and final round will be... my dramatic older brother, and Zhou Tai. That concludes it!!" Quan said. He dumped the names out of the hat, returned it to Lu Xun, and quickly scribbled everyone's names and assigned matches onto a larger piece of paper. He handed it to a nearby guard, who scurried off to nail it in view of the spectators.
"Alright, now go out there and kill each other!! But, um, not really," Quan added as an afterthought. "You're no good to me dead..."
I turned to Tong frantically, who still looked annoyed about being matched up with his spazzy cousin. "Tong, what am I gonna do!? I can't take Taishi Ci on!! He's bigger than me!! And look at all that armor!!" I whined.
Tong grabbed my shoulders and shook me to calm me down. "Shang Xiang, relax. He's a slow runner. You're anything but. Just make him chase you around, he'll get tired and lose. The end."
"Why didn't I think of that?" I wondered.
"Because you're dumb," Tong replied promptly.
Before I could knock his teeth out, Quan yelled, "SHANG XIANG, TAISHI CI, GET OUT THERE!!"
No time to hit me! GO!" Tong said, and pushed me out there.
I gulped. That was a lot of people!! I was used to fighting, but not in front of an audience.
I noticed the large booth set up by some peasants, where other peasants bet on which general they thought was going to win. Hopefully somebody bet on me over Taishi Ci.
I looked around blankly. I noticed the "WE 3 LING TONG" club was taking up 1/4th of the benches, and they were all waving pennants that said stupid things like "GO LING TONG" or "YOU ROCK" or "WE HATE THE PRINCESS" or "TONG IS GONNA WIN--" hey, wait a minute!!
We hate the Princess, eh? I'll show THOSE morons who's boss. I turned around angrily, waiting for Quan to ring the gong symboling the beginning of the match.
BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGG!! The gong rang, and the fight began. Taishi Ci charged at me, and I screamed and dove to the left. He tried to charge me again, but I was, as Tong predicted, too fast for him. I jumped right over him, and he tried to get me again. No use.
After nearly 20 minutes of evading Taishi Ci, the poor guy finally had enough and collapsed on the ground. He either got tired of chasing me, or worked up such a sweat that he collapsed of heatstroke. But who cares!? I won!!
Tong and Xiao were standing outside, waiting for us to finish so they could start their match. I turned around and ran towards my friends. "Tong!! You were right!!" I squealed. Knowing perfectly well that the Ling Tong fanclub was watching and cursing my every move, I promptly threw my arms around my best friend's shoulders in a big hug.
The hissing and booing of the Ling Tong fanclub increased so dramatically the arena shook. "Good lucccccck," I said cheerfully, and let go of my friend.
"Th-thanks," Tong said, rubbing his head and looking embarrassed. I turned to Xiao. "Watch out for those crazy girls up there. They might throw stuff."
Xiao nodded and raced up onto the platform to fight. Tong shot me a "I can't fight this crazy girl" look and I grinned at him. This should be amusing.
Let me take a second to explain what I call the Qiao Paradox. Not many people understand this, but Dong Zhuo, Sun Ce, and Zhou Yu certainly do. And I'm afraid my dear friend Ling Tong will soon become one of the unfortunate members of this list. Ahem.
People often believe that "the smaller someone is, the weaker they may be." They also, rather foolishly, apply this to the Qiao sisters. Well, if you understood the Qiao Paradox, you'd apply the "Big things come in small packages" thought.
The Qiao sisters may LOOK like delicate flowers, but they possess incredible, god-like strength. This is the reason Dong Zhuo was unable to have children, at least until Lu Bu chopped his head off. It is also the reason my brother and Zhou Yu fell in love with these dynamic girls.
Anyway, I hoped Xiao wouldn't knock ALL of Tong's teeth out of his head. Maybe, since they were cousins, she'd be merciful and only knock out two or three.
"Xiao, don't make me hurt you," Tong said, looking bored.
"Don't worry Tongie!! It'll be over soon!" Xiao said happily. Another thing-- chances are, if a Qiao was beating the stuffing out of you, she was doing it politely, with a big smile on her face. Ugh.
Quan rang the gong, and the match began.
Xiao promptly bounded right up to her cousin and grinned at him. "Sorry, Tongie!" she said, and punched him right in the stomach. Judging by Tong's sudden gasp of air, she knocked the wind right outta him.
Tong got up, looking shocked, but Xiao's merciless attack had already begun. Everyone who was watching Xiao, the beautiful flower of innocence, beat the living daylights out of Ling Tong, one of Wu's valuable officers, had a jaw dropped down to the floor. Zhou Yu was smiling proudly, (he understood the Qiao Paradox) and Ce, who was standing with his arm around Da, suddenly looked rather frightened of his wife and took a step back. (He understood, and feared, the Qiao Paradox)
Back to the battle. Tong was actually trying to fight back now, but it was fruitless-- Xiao was too fast, too flexible, and way too merciless!! She really WAS beating the stuffing out of him. "Xiao!! Cut it--" Xiao kicked him in the leg-- "OW!" Tong whined. "Knock it-- oof!" Xiao punched him again.
(In case you're wondering, the Ling Tong fanclub appeared to be performing a ritual to summon a herd of angry locusts to attack and brutally murder Xiao Qiao. What a bunch of losers.)
"THAT DOES IT!!" Tong screamed. "Ow," he added as an afterthought. He grabbed Xiao by her leg, and swung her around, trying to dizzy her. He swung her around maybe 3 or 4 times-- Xiao's eyes were doing pinwheels-- and dropped her.
"Ugggh!" Xiao wailed, trying to stand up, but completely dizzy. "I can't... move!!" she whined. She held her leg out to balance herself, and her foot kicked Tong in his crotch. HARD.
Tong dropped like a brick. "OW!!" he screamed, pain written all over his sweaty, bloody face. (Xiao really beat the hell out of him.) "MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" he yelped, curling up into a ball and writhing in agony.
Quan scurried down to the insanity on the platform. "Ling Tong appears to be incapacitated, but... Xiao Qiao performed an illegal attack and therefore is disqualified!! By a living miracle, Ling Tong wins!!"
Xiao was too dizzy to protest, and Tong was too pain-stricken to cheer. Zhou Yu hurried over to escort his wife back into the building (looking terrified of her at the same time), and Quan helped Tong up. "Shang Xiang, help me out here," Quan said, and promptly dumped Tong on top of me.
"AAGGGGGGH!! It hurts to move! That insane little spaz nearly killed me!!" Tong wailed, slumping on top of me. I felt something. "Tong, that had better be sweat trickling down your leg..." I growled.
"Sorry... I was trying to hold it, but I reaaally had to go... and that kick didn't help-- HEY!" Tong said, as I threw him off me.
While he was lying on the floor, Gan Ning walked by me, heading towards his match. "Hey-- good luck, Gan Ning!" I yelled, before I knew it. Ning turned around and grinned at me. "You got it, baby!" he yelled. He winked at me and left.
"I don't know what's worse, you flirting with that creep, or the fact that you're doing it when I'm RIGHT HERE!!" Tong complained.
"Oh, be quiet," I said, still dazed that Gan Ning just looked at me. What's wrong with me!?
"No! I will NOT be quiet! I'm NOT gonna sit around and let you-- HEY!! It's like I'm not even HERE anymore!" Tong whined, as I walked off and left him lying there, whining and complaining.
"Uggggggh..." I groaned, walking up to the front lines to watch the battle. Ce and Da were nearby, but they were in lovey-dovey mode and I wanted nothing do to with THAT parade. Ew.
I instead focused my attention on the battle ahead. Gan Ning was up there, cracking his knuckles and looking disgusted about his battle against Lu Xun. Lu Xun, on the other hand, looked like he was about to either cry, beg for mercy, or piss his pants where he stood. Or worse, do all three.
"So who're you liking in this fight?" Lu Meng asked, obviously being sarcastic. I smiled. "Gan Ning, without a doubt. Lu Xun doesn't stand a chance against him."
"So I've heard, Princess," Lu Meng replied.
"Huh? What have you heard?" I asked, confused.
"Well, I'm not a man for gossip, but I do recall seeing you and Gan Ning engaging in rather--affectionate, shall we say-- behavior the night of the Xia Kou banquet," Lu Meng said in his usual dull matter-of-fact tone.
"Oh, THAT! He was wasted! He didn't know what he was doing!" I said, laughing it off.
"Uh huh." Lu Meng didn't look thoroughly convinced and went away.
Stupid know-it-all. Zhou Yu and Xiao Qiao came back in, Xiao whining that she lost, and I stormed over to Zhou Yu. "Zhou Yu, I order you to kick the snot out of Lu Meng in your match," I growled.
"Umm.. okay," Zhou Yu said, looking confused.
"AND GAN NING WINS!" Quan yelled, causing all of us to run to the window and watch. Apparently Lu Xun had purposely thrown himself out of the ring to avoid being killed by Gan Ning, making Gan Ning the winner.
"Man!" Ning complained. "I didn't even break a sweat!"
(Since the author is lazy, I'll sum up the tournament here)
By mid-day, we were done with the 1st round of the tournament. Zhou Yu defeated Lu Meng (THANK YOU; I think I cheered louder than Xiao did); Huang Gai refused to fight Da Qiao, and surrendered; and Ce had beaten Zhou Tai.
"Alright, the 2nd round is going to begin!" Quan yelled, calling me, Ling Tong, Gan Ning, Zhou Yu, Da Qiao, and Sun Ce over. "1st match will be Sun Shang Xiang vs Ling Tong; 2nd match will be Gan Ning vs Zhou Yu; and 3rd match will be Da Qiao vs Sun Ce!"
"WHAT!?" Ce said. "I am NOT going to fight my pregnant wife!"
"Sure you are!" Quan said cheerfully, leaving to make the announcement to the spectators. "Either you do that, or you surrender!"
Tong was still in a lot of pain from Xiao's merciless beating on him earlier, so I assumed it'd be an easy victory for me. "Shang Xiang?" he said.
"What?" I asked.
"Can you go easy on me? I hurt in places I didn't know existed," Tong whined.
I snorted. "HAH! You're goin' down!"
"Aw, man... I'm so dead," Tong whined again. "I can't even stand up..."
Xiao came running in. "Tongieeeeee!!" she squealed.
"What do you want? Come to beat me up again?" Tong asked.
"No! I found this meatbun floating in mid-air and I thought I'd give it to you!" Xiao said cheerfully.
Tong eyed it suspiciously. "What'd you do to it?" he asked.
"Nothing!" Xiao protested.
"Floating in mid-air?" I repeated suspiciously. Since when did meatbuns float?
Tong shrugged. "Well, if this thing kills me, that means I'll be spared the embarrassment of getting my ass kicked by ANOTHER girl in public, so what the heck!" He stuffed the whole thing in his mouth and swallowed it whole. "Hey! Wait a minute! I feel completely better!" Tong said, jumping up.
"No fair!" I complained. "Xiao, how could you?"
Xiao giggled. "Don't get mad at me! I didn't know it was a magic meatbun! Besides, Tongie already got beat up by one girl! He can't get beat up by TWO in one day!!"
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Hey, Shang Xiang, guess what? YOU'RE goin' down!" Tong said, laughing at me.
"We'll see about that," I snapped. "If Xiao can beat the snot out of you, I sure can!"
"Wait a minute!" Ce wailed, popping into this conversation. "I can't fight Da! Aside from the fact that she's my wife, she's a QIAO! I don't wanna get beat up by a QIAO!!"
"Take it from someone who's been there. It hurts like hell," Tong said, patting Ce's shoulder. Ce groaned. "You're supposed to cheer me up! Now I will never let you marry my sister!"
"Wh-what!?" Tong stammered, his face turning unknown shades of red. "Wh-why would I want to marry her!?"
"Gee, I dunno. Maybe you can overlook my hideous face and shitty personality," I said sarcastically.
"That's NOT what I meant!!" Tong wailed.
Ce snorted. "Funny, making fun of Ling Tong seemed to make me forget my troubles. I should do that more!"
"What troubles?" Zhou Yu asked, joining in. "Well, aside from the fact that you're going to be obliterated by your own wife in a few short minutes."
"THANKS for reminding me, Zhou Yu! Some pal you are!" Ce complained. "Now my troubles have returned."
"Don't take it out on ME!" Tong complained.
Da giggled innocently. "Don't worry, my Lord! I would never hurt you!" She thought for a second. "Well, not on purpose." Ce whimpered in fright and clung to Zhou Yu, who shot him a "get off me" look.
Quan popped his head in the room. "Ling Tong, Shang Xiang-- get out there, and give these good people a show!!"
"Later, guys," Tong said.
"Yeah, this shouldn't take long," I added, and we headed out.
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Three chapters in three days. I am great.