Rating: PG-13 for now
Summary: Draco Malfoy's Live Journal for his 6th year. Second part of the User: quidditchlovrhp series.
Warnings: Slash (later chapters, none now) and swearing.

User: silverevil46

Draco Malfoy's Journal

Friday September 21

I'm sure Harry is far more confused then I am right now... His eyes, when they ran away from me, told it all. The only thing I can do is keep telling myself that he will come around and actually realize that he might have feelings for me as well...

But who am I kidding? I still live in a closet for Merlin's sake. I can't even get my own house mates to accept me. Yes, I admit outwardly it seems like everything is in place, but when I'm alone with them things are different... And now that I've done this thing I don't know what to do with them anymore... If they found out, then I'm dead.

You may be wondering what I'm talking about, and this should be the place where I reveal it all... But I just can't do that right now. Until Harry is... ready for it all to be in the open, I'm not saying one thing about it.

I almost have this urge right now to just demand that Potter read this journal, so that in some way he'll be able to see how hard it was for me to do what I did... and why it took so long. Me, well I'm still confused myself...

What I'm not confused about are my feelings. I like Harry Potter, I've accepted that. I'm gay, I've learned to accept that as well.

What I don't understand is... Harry.

Why is it that when things seem so obvious to those around us, they are never obvious to ourselves? That is what I believe Harry's problem is... Not that I want to play psychiatrist or anything, but... I just don't understand why he thinks the way he does.

After that whole Ginny incident practically everyone hated the bloke and now they're in love with him all over again. I remember once asking him about that, and his response was something like he figured no one was perfect and that they'd come around sooner or later. This makes me almost want to shout, so why am I not regarded in that same manner?

I thought it was obvious that I had changed from a spoiled git to something different... but it really wasn't.

Or is it just Harry that has refused to see me for what I am?

I think it might be him. This year I have made new friends... some I never would of expected. This year I have also lost many friends, many I never really regarded as friends in the first place...

But now I'm rambling, and that's not going to help anything... Not that talking could help anything anyway. I'm stuck here in the library, worried and tired. I just want to talk, be truer then I ever have before... and yet there is no way for me to find my outlet.

Harry Potter, why can't you trust me? Do you even realize how trapped I feel? On one hand I am being ordered to kill you, and on the other you won't even trust me enough to let me tell you that. (Catch-22 anyone?)

Harry Potter, do you truly know what I have given up just to even regard you as a friend? The old me is gone, I have put that mask to rest. Why do you insist on seeing the fake me?

Like I've said in the past, I am me. I am Draco Malfoy.

But I am also a Death Eater. I also must kill you Harry Potter based off the whims of a mad man. I must live with the knowledge my life will never be happy... I think I might as well just give up. Being a Death Eater would be a safe, it's an utterly emotionless existence. I would not be killed for disobeying orders, I would not feel like I failed my family... I would not feel anything.

I like you Harry, please try and understand what I do and don't do.

-DM

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comments

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from: fluffysmarts
Malfoy what happened with you and Harry?
(reply to this)(thread)

Ask him. I'm not saying.

from: fluffysmarts
I thought this talk would heal things... not bring up all this trash all over again... I'm honestly sorry things didn't go the way I thought they would.
(reply to this)(thread)

Don't apologize, I'm the one that's fucked everything up... In fact, I am the one that's fucked up.

from: fluffysmarts
No, no, don't you dare say that! Malfoy can't you see your options? You don't need to be a Death Eater, ok? I will help you out, that much I can promise you... Malfoy, I'm practically in tears over this mess... we need to sort it out ASAP.
(reply to this)(thread)

I'm going to go for a walk now.

from: fluffysmarts
All we need to do is let Harry know, and then everything will fall into place... I'm sure of it.
(reply to this)(thread)

Fine.

from: fluffysmarts
Stay right there in the library, I'll come and find you.
(reply to this)(thread)

Be warned, you might not be hearing from Draco for a little while... I'll leave you to think on that.

-Jackie