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Harry Potter and The Clichés Of Doom
Chapter One
In the smallest bedroom of Number Four Privet Drive, a young boy was slightly puzzled. He paced past his mirror, which reflected his stunning emerald green eyes, his messy black hair and his Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles ™. The boy was Harry Potter – The Boy-Who-Lived, The Saviour Of The Wizarding World, The Youngest Seeker In A Century and Sixth Year Gryffindor at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry had thought that his only surviving relatives were Muggles, and he had never had an enjoyable experience when around them. But, to Harry's great surprise, his family had actually been pretending to hate him for all these years! And they were actually wizards and witches as well! Harry scratched his chin. Why had they never told him this? He shrugged, "Eh, can't be too important or relevant."
Meanwhile, downstairs Aunt Petunia was happily dusting the living room with a simple dusting spell. "Oh! It's so much fun to have my wand back again and not have to pretend to hate Harry!"
"I agree, Poppet!" added Vernon, who was busy accio-ing snacks from the kitchen.
Petunia straightened a portrait as she dusted the mantelpiece. She sighed. "What a cute couple Lily and Severus made!" she said.
Suddenly, there came a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" exclaimed Dudley excitedly, for he had only been pretending to be fat, ugly, and brutish. With a spring in his step he went to open the door. Standing outside was a tall, dashingly handsome man.
"Hi!" said Dudley, "Are you here to talk to my awesome cousin, Harry?"
"Damn straight!" said the man. "I'm his FATHER!"
Harry ran downstairs. "Did someone say they were my father?"
He stopped dead in his tracks. "Professor Snape!?"
Snape brushed his ebony hair from his face and grinned brilliantly. "Call me Dad."
"You're my father? But we've hated each other for all these years!"
Snape winked and gave Harry the Double Thumbs UpTM. "Just pretending!"
Harry nodded. "Well, that clears everything up nicely."
The sun glinted off Snape's brilliantly white teeth. "Does, doesn't it?"