Chapter Two
Alex blinked, yawned, and stretched. Sunshine, muted slightly by the newly budding trees outside her window, filled her bedroom. "I'll definitely miss this when I sell this place," she thought. She turned over and found a small depression where Bobby should have been. "Bobby." She sat up.
"Hey." Bobby stood in the bedroom doorway. He carried two cops of what smelled wonderfully like strong coffee. "Here," he said as he walked to the bed. "Very strong…very sweet…" He handed her one of the cups.
She took a long drink. "Thanks," she said. "Do me another favor?"
"Anything I can." He smiled at her. His hair was messed and sticking up in every direction, and Alex thought it was adorable.
"Open the blinds and window…please?"
"Madam's wish is my command." He balanced his cup on the bedside table and opened the blinds and window. A fresh breeze brought in the early spring scents of warm, moist earth and the sounds of birds. Bobby stood for a moment in front of the window.
"The world is always better the morning after a thunderstorm," he said. "Everything is so clean."
"We've got the day," Alex said. "I'll let you buy me breakfast…"
Bobby turned his head to her. "Ok."
"The one thing I won't miss about this place," Alex thought as she waited for the water in the shower to warm up. "Is the plumbing…" She emerged from her shower grateful that Bobby hadn't used all of the hot water. She put on her favorite jeans and T-shirt. Brushing her hair, she stepped into the living room to find Bobby, intently reading her paper. "I thought," Alex said. "That you hated the POST."
"I do," Bobby answered evenly as he folded the paper. "But I gotta read something."
They ate at her favorite place for breakfast, and Bobby didn't blink when she ordered the multi ingredient pancakes and the large mocha mint coffee. The day was beautiful—as Bobby had noted, the night's storm left everything shiny and clean—the food good, and Alex's spirits high. It was only when she was nearly finished that Alex realized Bobby had spent much of his breakfast moving his eggs from one side of his plate to the other.
"Hey," she said, her voice just loud enough to be heard over the restaurant's din. "What's wrong?"
"It's…It's…" Bobby fiddled with his fork. "I…I've been thinking…about a lot of things…and I'd like to talk to you…I'd…" He swallowed. "It…some of it may…It has to do with you…and even the stuff that doesn't…I…I'd like your opinion…about it."
Alex's heart soared and shook. He trusted her; he wanted to know what she thought; he wanted to know how she felt. Bobby, the lone wolf who shared nothing of his fears with anyone, was talking to her. A bolt of fear shot through her mind. What if she couldn't help him, if she couldn't do what he wanted or needed? She tried to slow her racing thoughts. "What is it?" she asked calmly.
"I…I'm probably going to take some time…as…as my Mom…" He took a deep breath, and Alex knew it was still difficult for him to accept the idea of his mother's approaching death. "And." He recovered his voice. "That means…I'm sorry…but I'll be leaving you without a partner…"
"That's ok," she said gently. "After all…I left you for a while…"
"Yea." He continued to harass his silverware. "Well, at least I know you'll deal better with it than I did." He smiled weakly at her. "I…I plan to work as much and as long as I can…"
His words struck Alex; they were the same ones she'd used to tell him about her pregnancy.
"But when the time comes…" His voice wavered. "I…I…" He stood suddenly. "I… I can't…not here…" he whispered. He threw several bills on the table and strode quickly out of the restaurant.
Alex rushed after him. He hadn't gone far; he stood huddled in the doorway of a neighboring store that hadn't opened for the day. His arms were wrapped around his body.
"I'm sorry…really sorry." He stared at the ground. "I…I just…There were so many people in there…I…I thought that talking about it in a public place would make it easier…But…But…" He glanced at Alex. "I…I'm not running away from you…Please…please understand that."
Alex's anger disappeared. She stepped in front of Bobby to keep any one from seeing him. "It's ok," she said, painfully aware of how feeble her words sounded. "I…I'm just glad you're still here." Alex looked around her for some inspiration for what to say. The small park at the end of the street caught her eye. "C'mon," she said and gently tugged at Bobby's hand. His eyes downcast, he meekly followed her. They walked quickly to the park. The area around the playground was full of happy children and watchful parents, but Alex led Bobby to a bench in front of a memorial to the area's veterans. It was a somber place in the midst of the park, and it seemed a suitable setting for Bobby and Alex at the moment.
Bobby stared at the names etched on the stone. "So many," he said softly. "So many names."
"Yea," Alex said in an equally soft voice.
"Sometimes," Bobby said. "My problems don't seem all that important." He leaned forward and rubbed a large hand across the back of his neck. "I guess it's good to get some perspective on things." He glanced at Alex. "You have a great gift for listening."
"I've had some practice," she responded dryly.
Bobby smiled sadly and leaned back against the bench. "I'm sorry for the freak out…Please understand…I wasn't running away from you…I'll never tell you to back off again…"
"Damn straight," Alex said in a slightly shaky voice.
"I…" He sighed and leaned forward again, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands dangling. Alex sat carefully next to him. "When my Mom gets really bad," he said in a rush of words. "I'll take a real break…and…and after…I'll probably take more time away from the job."
A horribly empty feeling filled Alex. "This must be how he felt when I left," she thought. She stared at the monument and the names on it blurred.
"I…I don't want to leave you," Bobby said in a low voice. "It's not you at all…But one of my Mom's doctors…She said that my life…It's been defined by my Mom's illness…that one reason I want her to fight the cancer…why I wanted the experimental treatment…is…I won't have that definition in my life…I don't want to let it go…"
"You're not like that," Alex said indignantly. "You're not selfish…
"She didn't mean that…think that," Bobby said quickly. "It's just that…all my life…I've taken care of her…Even when I wasn't in charge of or dealing with her…I was thinking about it…And her illness…It's a large part of why…who…I am…My reactions to it…It helps me understand…But…"
He continued to stare intently at the monument, and Alex knew that he had as much difficulty in reading the names as she did.
"It also gives me excuses." His voice was flat and impersonal. "There's Bobby Goren, with the crazy mother…That's why he's so strange…Leave him alone…Don't hold him accountable because he's had such a rough time…Poor guy…" Bobby's voice began to shake. "Give him a break."
Alex winced. "Bobby…"
"And I've used it…" He continued as if he hadn't heard her. "Used it to avoid responsibilities…commitments." Bitterness edged into his voice. "I'm sorry, but I can't think of marriage or children…I'm sorry, but I can't share that with you…I'm sorry, but can't make any promises because I might go crazy…" His voice broke.
"Bobby…Stop it!" Alex's voice betrayed her anger and fear. "You are not like that…You've taken care of her…Visited her every week…Given up things for her…"
"A couple of minutes on the phone…A couple of hours every week…" He shook his head. "It's not much."
"What were you supposed to do?" Alex rose and stood in front of him. "Give up all of your life? Live with her? Where would the money come from? How would you have taken care of her?"
"Some people…a lot of people…have done that," Bobby said sadly.
Alex shook her head. "And does that save the people they're taking care of? Does it really help them? Or does it just mean they're throwing their lives after the people they love?"
Bobby seemed to be aware of her for the first time in several minutes. "These people…they sacrifice…"
"Yes…yes they do," Alex agreed. "And, yes, they're noble…and wonderful…But they may be making and using excuses too…And how many people have completely abandoned their family members? You've told me there are patients at Carmel Ridge who've never had a visitor in all the years you've gone there."
Bobby held his head in his hands. "It's hard," he said. "To watch…to deal with someone…who's not there…or comes and goes…You can't blame them…People do what they can…"
Alex took a deep breath. "And some go beyond what they can do…Like you…"
"I…I don't know," he said. "It's just…right now…anything I do for my Mom…anything I decide…It's wrong…The only place where I seem to be able to do the right thing is at work…and I'm not sure about there…"
She sat down again. "You're doing fine from what I can tell."
A half-smile crossed Bobby's face. "In addition to being a good listener, you know how to say the right thing."
"My family thinks I have the ability to know the worst thing to say at the worst time," Alex answered.
"Only because you tell the truth," Bobby said. He continued to stare at the monument.
"What is it," Alex asked after a moment. "That you wanted to tell me."
"Yea…that." Bobby wiped his hand across his mouth. "When…when it looks like it's near…near the end." It was easier for him to say the words now. "I'm going to take some leave."
Alex nodded. "You should."
"And…like I said…you'll get saddled with a new partner…and I'm sorry about that."
"Don't worry," Alex said. "I think I can deal with anyone the NYPD throws at me…and Ross likes me…" She studied Bobby for a moment; she knew some of his fears. "I'll be waiting when you get back."
"I…I know that…It's just…" Bobby again intently examined the names on the monument. "I…I don't know when I'll be back."
A leaden weight appeared in Alex's stomach.
"I…I just think…" Bobby continued. "That when I…when the time comes…I may need some time…" He glanced at Alex. "I…I feel awful about this…All this time…I've been so afraid that you'd leave…and here I am considering leaving you…but it's not you…I just think I'll need some time…My head won't be at work…It…It wouldn't be safe…for you or anyone…"
She was stunned at her relief. He didn't want to leave her; he was only attempting to prepare for what would be a terrible time in his life.
"Alex?" Bobby's tense, worried voice broke in on her thoughts. "I…I'm sorry…I…"
Alex caught one of his hands. "It's all right," she said. "I understand. What you're saying makes a lot of sense…I'm not upset."
Bobby stared at their hands. "You're sure…"
Alex nodded. "Absolutely…But you better make sure our solve rate stays up."
"Promise," Bobby said. "When I'm at work, I'll be at work…I'll even make nice with Ross…"
"Deal," Alex said.
"Deal." Bobby swallowed. "After all, when the time comes…Who knows what I'll want to do…I may just want to throw myself into work…"
"Whatever you do," Alex said firmly. "I'll be here."
END Chapter Two