Chapter Twelve

Monday morning saw a sight quite uncommon to Hogwarts occurring in the halls. Harry Potter, who had apparently had a late night, had walked straight into Draco Malfoy, who, for some reason, was walking in the opposite direction to every body else. Students quickly arranged themselves around the boys, shuffling about so that they were all guaranteed a good look at the action.

"I love this bit!" whispered Patience Hodges to another first year. "The older students told me all about it – it's educational, and violent. But mostly violent!"

"YAY VIOLENCE!" cried the first years in unison.

Draco sneered.

"Potter," he said.

"Malfoy," replied Harry.

Theodore Nott rolled his eyes. "So original," he muttered.

The two teenagers glared at each other, both seemingly the rivals the large crowd thought them to be. But, unbeknownst to the other students, each boy was battling internal demons and each insult from their mouths was like a knife to the heart.

Colin Creevy nodded and fiddled with his spacer.

"I, like, totally agree, this scene is just so angst-worthy."

"Uhhh … I'm better than you, Potter, you … silly jug head …"

"Errr, no you're not, Malfoy, you … you … you …"

"They're not up to their usual standard," whispered Terry Boot to Padma Patil, who nodded sadly.

Harry racked his brain, attempting to come up with an insult to use against his crush. His brain sniggered. Watch this, Potter!

"… you … you … complete and utter sex god."

Draco's eyes looked like they might forcibly exit his skull. The crowd gasped in shock and pleasure. Harry's brain continued to snigger. Freudian Slip! That's for never using me, you pillock.

"What did you just call me?" asked Draco, so quietly that the assorted students barely heard him.

The other boy had turned so red that Rudolph's nose paled in comparison.

"A complete and utter sex god," said Harry, against all of his little used self-preservation instincts.

Malfoy stepped closer, a strange look in his eyes.

"OMG HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!" thought Harry, but it seemed that his feet were rooted to the floor.

Draco grabbed Harry's tie and pinned him to the wall. The crowd immediately began exchanging bets on who would be the first to be rendered unconscious.

Harry was finding it very difficult to breathe while Malfoy's face was so close to his own. He winced, waiting for his nose to be broken.

But, suddenly, soft violin music starting playing and Harry realised that Draco's stormy grey eyes didn't look homicidal.

"Thankyou," whispered Draco as he pressed his soft lips against Harry's.

The crowd awwwww-ed; the author quickly shot her romantic side, and then continued writing.

"This is obviously a dream," thought Harry, "I guess I might as well go ahead and enjoy it."

Draco gasped as he felt Harry simultaneously put the tongue in and squeeze his arse.

"Sweet!" thought Seamus. "We're finally going to see some gay lover action!"

The crowd watched, stunned, as Harry started to remove Draco's shirt as he sucked upon the blonde's earlobe. Draco moaned and Harry took that as an invitation to move his wandering hands lower.

Lavender Brown fainted. Harry looked slightly confused.

"That doesn't usually happen in my dreams," he said.

"That's because this isn't a dream," stated a nearby portrait of a woman with a typewriter, fanning her flushed face.

"OMG," thought Harry, "I'M ACTUALLY REALLY KISSING DRACO MALFOY IN FRONT OF A HUGE CROWD CONSISTING OF THE MAJORITY OF OUR SCHOOL … sweet!"

"So, Draco," said Harry aloud, "fancy a shag?"

Draco nodded frantically, words apparently abandoning him.

Neither boy made it to breakfast that morning.

Author's Note: Sadly, the chapter in which I explained in extreme detail what exactly Draco and Harry got up to that morning has been confiscated by Dolores Umbridge, who has threatened to sick a Dementor on me should I reveal to the general public what that chapter contains. Apparently, it's a new Ministry Education Degree that teenagers should not be able to read hot gay sex when they could be doing productive things such as writing textbooks, knitting socks and caring for Flobberworms. Bollocks, I say, but then again, I've grown quite fond of my soul. So, instead of reading about Harry and Draco, let's just view some quick side scenes from the lives of some of the other totally fictional characters, shall we?

Blaise sprinted from the Great Hall, keen to find Ginny and fulfil his fantasy of, ahem, holding hands with a natural red-head.

He quickly found the girl he was looking for, standing on the corner of the hallways to the Library and the History Of Magic classroom.

"Hey, Zabini," said Ginny, reapplying her hot pink lipstick, "you wanna go?"

Blaise nodded.

"Will you go out with me?" he said. "I'm a Metamorphmagus and I'm obscenely rich so you'd never need to whore again!"

Ginny looked thoughtful as she considered this proposal.

"Can you change into Hugh Jackman?"

Blaise nodded eagerly. Ginny grinned and flicked her hair.

"You've got yourself a whore!" she said happily.

Blaise smiled, now all he had to do was remember not to call her Ronnie.

River Tan smiled serenely as she rubbed soup into the hair of her fellow Ravenclaws.

Luna Lovegood tapped her on the shoulder.

"I like your style," she said dreamily, "will you be my friend?"

River nodded.

"Sure."

The two girls grinned at each other and then skipped off to search for spiny-eyebrowed larmsters, leaving a table of slightly scared and distinctly soppy classmates in their wake.

Crookshanks meowed as he made his way through a high spirited dance routine, feeling quite proud of himself for getting the lead role in the new play the Muggle Studies Professor was directing.

"NO, NO, NO!" interrupted the professor in question. "It's shuffle-shuffle, side step, heel/toe, turn, shuffle, step – not shuffle-shuffle, side step, heel/toe, skip, shuffle, step! Great Merlin – why on earth did I ever want to work with Cats?"

Crookshanks rolled his eyes.

"This is the last time I ever work with Webber," he thought.

"Oh! Oh! Sirius! Yes! Go you good thing!" cried Remus.

Suddenly there came a pounding on their bedroom door.

"Daddy-wolf! Papa-doggy! Ophi stole my noodles!"

Remus groaned.

Sirius sighed.

"Just when I was getting to the best bit" he muttered, the words slightly slurred due to his otherwise occupied mouth.

Remus rolled off the bed.

"Come on, Padfoot, we can have our éclair eating competition later."

"Wormtail," hissed The-Wizard-Formerly-Known-As-Tom, "my plan concerning Harry Potter has not been achieving the success I demand."

Pettigrew simpered.

His Master looked thoughtful.

"Our next attempt shall have some tie to his Muggle heritage," he said.

Peter turned into a rat and ran about the floor attempting to catch his own tail.

Voldemort rolled his red eyes.

"Why do I even bother?"

Albus Dumbledore scowled into his hand mirror.

"I have …"

He leant in closer to the reflection to better examine the skin around his right eye.

"… another wrinkle."

He glared at the offending line.

"The boys at the club are going to love this."

An exasperated sigh came from his bed.

"Come to bed, Albus," said the person laying in it.

The Great WizardTM pouted and looked closer into his mirror.

"No," he huffed, "I wish to sulk."

His lover sighed again.

"You do this every night."

Albus grumbled, no longer listening.

"Damn that Dorian Grey."

Rachel Grey drooled as she walked slowly behind Professor Severus Snape.

Louise Frost checked her watch.

"You're acting distinctly more stalkerish than usual, Rachel. Do you realize we've been watching Snape glide about evilly for almost an hour now?"

Rachel nodded, her face oddly slack.

"Yuh-huh, but it's not everyday that I can watch him glide about naked."

Louise blinked.

"Say what?"

"I invented a neat little potion which renders the drinker naked to all those aware of it. I call it the King's New Cloak Elixir and I slipped some into the Anti-Psychotic Professor "Evil Bitch" Granger makes poor Sevvy-Poo take every morning."

"You really shouldn't –"

Louise accidentally glanced at her now de-clothed Potions teacher.

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Oh my eyes! I'm blind! The image of his snow-whiteness is burnt onto my retina forever!"

Louise attempted to shield her eyes as Severus turned around to glare at her.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw for making a public nuisance of yourself."

Louise whimpered.

"My eyes …" she whispered.

"And you, Ms Grey, do try and cease your drooling."

Rachel continued to look at her teacher with a glazed look on her face.

Severus drew his robes around him in a futile attempt to stop his student's staring.

"Go to class," he snapped and stalked off.

"Class isn't for another hour," moaned Louise.

Rachel grinned.

"I have Potions first period."