Chapter Thirteen

Ronnie sat in Potion, sulking slightly.

"Why did Harry have to go and abandon me like that? He knows I get indigestion from all Dean's flirting, and having hot sex with your crush is no reason to leave your friends behind!"

Rachel Grey, who had just entered the classroom, looked at her strangely.

"Who are you kidding?" she said. "It's a bloody fantastic reason!"

Ronnie sighed.

"Yeah, I know. Why are you so happy this morning anyway?"

Rachel's eyes began to glaze over and she smiled sillily.

"I gave Snape some of my King's New Cloak Elixir," she said happily.

Ronnie opened her mouth to ask just what the purpose of that particular potion was, when the Professor in question entered the classroom.

Ronnie gagged.

"Oh, Great Merlin," she choked.

Rachel licked her lips.

Snape glared.

Ronnie fainted.

Slowly, the word spread through the school that Snape had ingested a strange new potion. The Hospital Wing was getting very full as huge numbers of students were rushed in for treatment of blood noses, nausea, fainting, dizzy spells and bruised jaws.

Rachel Grey scratched her head, puzzled.

"People don't seem to be enjoying this as much as I am," she said.

Louise Frost, who was currently wearing a blindfold, grimaced.

"That would be because most people didn't ever want to know what 'Little Severus' looks like," she replied.

Up at the Staff Table, Professor Sprout leant over to whisper something in Dumbledore's ear.

The Headmaster gave a Level Two eye twinkle and turned to smile at the Potions Master.

"Severus, my dear boy," he said, "I do believe you could use a few days at the seaside!"

Tuesday morning arrived, and brought with it the re-emergence of Harry and Draco, who both seemed tired, sore and very pleased with themselves.

Colin let a single tear fall into his porridge.

"Oh, Harry," he whispered, and then moped off to take arty and depressing MySpace photos.

Ronnie shook her head in amusement as she watched Harry try to eat while staring at Draco, and passed him a serviette with which to wipe the jam from his nose.

Dumbledore stood up and spread his arms wide.

"Good morning, everybody! I have decided to host a Family Picnic, here at Hogwarts, on the first of October – just for the hell of it!"

The students clapped happily as their Headmaster continued talking.

"We've already sent out your invitations, so all you have to do is put your lunch requests in this!"

He held up a roughly hand-carved wooden cup.

"Isn't that the Goblet of Fire?" asked Harry.

Draco nodded.

"Looks like it, pudding."

The two boys smiled soppily at each other.

Dean Thomas threw up.

Dumbledore gave his students a Level One eye twinkle.

"Now," he said, "off to class with you all!"

Ronnie checked her timetable.

"Come on, Romeo," she said, "we've got Charms."

"I'll miss you, Sugar Pie," whispered Harry as he nibbled Draco's ear.

Dean Thomas threw up.

Harry sighed. Charms were so easy.

Ronnie groaned.

"Why can't I get this pineapple to tap-dance?" she muttered.

She looked over to Harry's pineapple which was performing a high energy solo to 'Singing In The Rain'.

Flitwick hummed as he graded each student's dancing charms.

"Well done, Mr Potter!" he squeaked. "It appears you've inherited your mother's aptitude for this particular subject!"

Harry attempted to look modest and failed spectacularly.

Ronnie grumbled and scowled at her pineapple, which was only managing a jerky ring-around-the-rosy.

"Stupid fruit."

As Ronnie and Harry made their way to the next class they passed Remus, who was standing awkwardly outside the Library entrance.

"Alright, Professor?" asked Ronnie.

Remus rubbed the back of his head.

"Yes," he said, "I'm just waiting for Sirius."

Harry blinked.

"Sirius reads?!"

Remus shuffled his feet and looked uncomfortable.

"Well, no, not as such," he admitted, "but I'm banned from the Library."

Ronnie giggled.

"How did you manage that?"

Remus frowned.

"It all started back in 1977, when I was working on an extra credit History of Magic scroll …"

…flashback…

An adolescent Remus Lupin sat at a Library table, almost completely surrounded by huge piles of books on The Goblin Wars. He bopped his shaggy head as he read, caught up in the sounds of 'Strawberry Fields'.

A shadow was suddenly cast across his desk and he looked up to see several Slytherin students, all wearing sparkly disco flares.

"The Beatles," sneered Lucius Malfoy, "are so last decade. Haven't you heard that the Bee Gees are what everyone's talking about?"

Behind the blonde, Bellatrix Black and Rudolphus Lestrange performed at quick 'Stayin' In The Light' dance move.

Remus glared at them from below his heavy fringe.

"Yeah," chimed in Regulas Black, who was projecting extreme tag-along vibes.

Lucius flicked his hair.

"The Beatles aren't any good anyway," he said maliciously.

Remus gasped.

"You take that back!" he demanded.

"Or what?" said Lucius. "You'll form a Beatles Are Losers support group?"

"OOOOOOOOOO," said his cronies.

Remus stood up slowly.

"Walk away, Malfoy," he said, "or I may be forced to do something you'll regret."

Lucius sneered.

"Like what?" he drawled. "As long as poor musical taste isn't contagious I don't think I have anything to fear."

Goyle sniggered.

Remus gave a loud war cry and flung himself across the table at Lucius.

The blonde gave a distinctly feminine squeak as he was tackled to the ground.

"Help!" cried Regulas, and ran off.

"Behave yourself, Junior," growled Remus as he delivered a swift fist to Malfoy's nose.

"Lucius!" cried Bellatrix. "Let me be your bodyguard!"

"Eeeep!" said Lucius, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. "I can't see nobody!"

"Enough with the singing," said Rosier, "let's get him boys!"

Madam Pince was happily adjusting her finger-removal curses (for those who dog-eared pages) when she heard a loud CRASHBANGWALLOP coming from the History of Smelly Creatures section.

She sped around the corner, her glasses chain flapping, and gasped at the sight of Remus Lupin hitting Lucius Malfoy over the head with 1008 Things You Never Really Wanted To Know About Goblins while bitchslapping Goyle, Crabbe, Lestrange and Rosier with his free hand whenever they happened to get too close. Bellatrix Black was sobbing under a table.

"I broke a nail," she wailed on seeing Madame Pince, and then quickly went back to feeling sorry for herself.

"MR LUPIN!" roared the Librarian. "WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

All six boys froze in their places and looked sheepishly at the woman towering over them.

"Ummm … studying?" replied Remus hopefully.

Madame Pince turned a frightening shade of puce.

"Using books to beat another student unconscious is AGAINST THE RULES!" she screeched.

… end flashback …

Remus sighed.

"And that's why I'm banned from the Library."

Ronnie patted him on the back sympathetically.

Harry shook his head sadly. "Whoever thought that Rule 357 would ever come into use?" he wondered.

Sirius emerged from the Library with an enormous arm load full of books and a shifty expression.

"Quick!" he said, hurriedly shuffling up the hallway. "I think she suspected something!"

Remus sighed again.

"Oh, the humanity."