Chapter Nine
The lightning flash woke her, and the accompanying thunder brought her to full consciousness. Alex winced as she stretched her complaining muscles. Pushing aside the afghan draped over her, she sat up cautiously on her couch.
"Bobby," she thought. "Where's Bobby?" She shook her head to try to drive the cobwebs out of it. She remembered holding him as he knelt by her couch and clung to her and begged for forgiveness. He'd finally fallen into a state of exhausted unconsciousness, and Alex followed him a few moments later.
She stood cautiously. The storm that had threatened through much of the day roared outside the windows.
"Ok," Alex thought. "Somebody covered me with that blanket, and it must have been Bobby."
Another lightning flash caused her to jump. "Oh, God," she thought. "I hope he's still here…I hope he's not out in this…"
She walked to the kitchen, and just as she entered it another lighting flash illuminated the room. She saw Bobby seated at the table. He slumped forward, his elbows resting on the table, his head resting in his hands. Alex felt her heart break for him.
"Hey," she said. For a moment, Bobby didn't react, and Alex wondered if he'd heard her over the storm.
"Hey," he finally said in a soft, strained voice. "I…I was just thinking…I don't know what I'm going to do on Saturday mornings…"
Alex stepped closer to him and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Knowing you, you'll probably try to do more work."
Bobby reached to cover her hand with his. "Maybe read…work on some cars with Lewis…" He hesitated. "Maybe spend time with you."
Even in the dark, Alex saw Bobby's great, dark, sad eyes looking at her. "Maybe," she said softly. She let her free hand run gently over Bobby's hair. He trembled, turned, and wrapped his arms around her. She wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him to her.
"I thought." Her body muffled his voice. "I thought I knew what I was going to do…And then…last night…Everything you've done for me…These past few days…Months…Everything's changed…" She felt him shiver. "God," he said. "That's so stupid. Nothing's been the same for us for at least nine months. Nine awful months."
She held him tightly but gently.
"The only good thing…The thing that makes this bearable…Is you. You loving me, me…I love you…But…" He choked. "You've given me so much…I do love you…And I'm going to hurt you."
"The only time you hurt me," she said. "Is when you push me away."
"I…I want to stay with you…but…"
Alex had never felt so much. She felt as much a part of Bobby as she did of her own body.
"I can't," Bobby continued. "I can't stay and love you…If I don't know who I am…"
Alex knelt down next to Bobby's chair. The storm raged outside, and another lightning flash caused them both to jump.
"You need to go away…To take some time," Alex said.
"Yes…I think…" He leaned forward so that his forehead touched hers. "At least, that's what I thought…"
Her calm surprised Alex. "Look," she said. "We've made no promises…You warned me…"
"You're so good, Alex," Bobby whispered. "You're so kind…I don't…I don't want you to think that I used…am using you…You're the only one…But…But I don't know who I am…"
"I know you're not using me," Alex reassured him. "And I know who you are."
"It's just…My Mom…I lost her so many times…so many ways…I don't feel like I can…or that I have the right to mourn her. But I feel so lost…I want to cry…I want to be able to cry…But I can't." He pressed his head to hers. "What am I? What kind of man…"
Alex tenderly took his head between her hands. "You are a good man," she said firmly. "Look, you say that I'm good, right?"
He blinked. "Yea…"
"I love you, right?"
"Yes…and I don't know…"
Alex placed two of her fingers on his lips. "I love you, right?"
"Uh, yes."
"So, if I'm good and I love you, you must be good, right?"
"But…but…" He bit his lip. "How can…How can I love you…How can I be good…If I hurt you?"
Alex shook her head. "I hate to tell you this, buddy, but loving someone doesn't mean you're not going to get hurt or hurt somebody. I won't lie and say I understand everything that's going on with you," she said deliberately. "But I know love isn't a trap. You can't keep people. I know what it's like when someone tries to make you do something or become something you're not in the name of love."
"Everything was clearer yesterday…or was it the day before?" Bobby shook his head. "Oh, God, Alex…I'm so tired and confused. You're the only thing I'm sure of."
"Well," Alex said sensibly. "Let's deal with one thing at a time. Let's get you some rest."
She helped him to his feet. Another flash of lightning and clap of thunder startled them.
"Hey," Alex said gently. "Don't fall on me. No way I'd get you back up again." She tenderly touched his face. "How's the bruise?"
"Ok," Bobby answered. "It doesn't hurt much…Only when I laugh, which I haven't done much today."
They stumbled to her bedroom. Alex helped Bobby shed his clothes until he wore only his boxers. He slumped back against the pillows.
"It's not fair, Alex," he whispered. "You're so good to me."
"It's not fair," Alex said as she slipped next to him. "That you had to take care of your mother and deal with your brother."
He reached for her and she rested in his arms.
"Ok," Alex said. "Here's the deal." She took a deep breath. "You do what you need to do. But if you go…" Her voice wavered. "You stay in contact. I don't care how you do it—email, phone, letter, carrier pigeons—you talk to me once a week."
"Ok," Bobby breathed.
"And…and…" Alex raised her head to look him in the eyes. "I…I want to make love with you again before you go."
Bobby blushed. "I think…I could agree with that," he said shyly.
The storm finally eased, the lightening and thunder gave way to a soft, steady rain.
"There were so many people," Bobby wondered. "So many flowers…gifts…I didn't even know I knew that many people…let alone that many cared…"
"More testimony to the fact you're a good man," Alex said.
"I'll need to get thank yous out…"
"I can help with that," Alex said. She shifted slightly in Bobby's arms. "Ross told me to take as much time as you…or I…needed."
The soft rain lulled them to sleep.
There was no question about Alex going in to work the next morning. When she called Ross to report her absence, his only questions were about Bobby and how Alex's car got in the Major Case parking garage. ("You're a brave woman," Ross commented when Alex explained that Wheeler returned the car. "Not that brave," Alex replied. "I've never seen Wheeler drive.") Bobby, as usual, was up before her and, also as usual, made a pot of strong coffee. He quickly offered to drive her into the city to get her car, but Alex gently rebuked him and sat him at her kitchen table. He barely touched the breakfast she sat before him, eating only enough to keep her from chiding him for his lack of appetite. She put him to work clearing the table and washing the dishes while she pulled the many memorial and gift cards from her purse. He allowed her to carefully examine the now dark bruise on his face.
"I'd be happy to help you with these," Alex said, waving a hand at the neat piles on the table. She sensed the task would at least occupy Bobby.
"You…don't mind?"
"Not at all."
They spent the rest of the morning sorting out the cards and preparing, addressing and sealing thank you cards and envelopes. The work went quickly, and just after noon Bobby and Alex stared at several neat piles on the kitchen table.
"We can take these to the post office," Alex said genially. "And you can buy me lunch."
Bobby smiled wanly. "Taking advantage of my guilty feelings?"
"You bet," Alex said lightly.
They quickly stamped and posted the envelopes and ate lunch at one of Alex's favorite neighborhood spots--or at least Alex ate while Bobby moved his food around his plate.
"You know," Alex said cautiously. "You have to eat something…"
"I…I just…I'm not hungry," Bobby said weakly.
"Is there anything else you need to do?"
Bobby shook his head. "The only great advantage of leaving nothing when you die," he said wryly. "There's not much to deal with. Everything is pretty much taken care of…The services, the cemetery…all of it is paid for…There's nothing left at Carmel Ridge…" He stared into space. "I…I may never go back there…I…I don't believe in visiting cemeteries…They don't have what made the person a person…and as much as the hospital staff did for my Mom…I have only bad memories of that place…"
"There really isn't anyone besides your brother?" Alex asked.
"No…I remember my grandmother dimly from when I was a kid…but no one else. I think everyone was pretty much out of my parents' lives by the time I was a kid…"
Alex remembered the huge family reunions that marked her childhood, the massive numbers of aunts and uncles and cousins, and her father's proud comment that any group of cops or firemen in New York had to include someone related to the Eames family. It was nearly impossible for her to imagine a life as lonely and isolated as Bobby's.
"At least," Bobby said. "It means I don't have any ties…I have all this freedom…and I don't know what to do…"
He insisted on driving her into the city to get her car. They both shivered as his car entered the parking garage.
"Look at that," Alex said as they approached her car. "It looks fine."
"I'll bet Wheeler at least changed the radio," Bobby said.
The Mustang was spotless. "I think," Alex smiled. "She may have taken it through a car wash."
An awkward silence fell between them.
"Are you going up to the office?" Bobby finally asked.
"No…it's too late for me to do anything productive." Alex sensed Bobby drifting away from her, and a fear that she might not see him again for a long time seized her. "Come back with me…let's get some dinner…"
Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "I…I need to get back to my apartment…There's stuff…" He began to pace. "I…Oh, God, Alex…I keep hurting you…" He remembered where he was and struggled for control.
Alex desperately tried to think of some way to reach him. "Please, Bobby…"
"No…" He stepped away from her. "I need…just this evening…I swear…I just need a few hours…"
"I…I'll see you again? You're not going anywhere?" In spite of her efforts, Alex's anxiety reached her voice.
"Don't worry," Bobby said. "I promise you…I won't go anywhere…Do anything…without talking to you…" He stared at his feet. "I do…want to be with you…to…" His voice dropped to a whisper. "To make love to you…If you want…"
She wanted to wrap her arms around him, but she knew the garage was only slightly less dangerous than the squad room for any kind of physical affection. "Oh, yes," she said.
Bobby looked at her, and Alex felt as if she might burn up from the inside. Bobby wanted her just as much as she wanted him.
"I…I better go," Bobby said. "Or…or I may do something…That will make either of us going back to work a mute point…"
"All right," Alex said shakily. "But you call me tomorrow or I'll come looking for you…and I'll bring all of the squad with me."
Bobby smiled weakly and nodded.
Her mind full of thoughts and worries about Bobby, Alex didn't sleep well that night. She nearly called him at several points, but managed to hold her hand. "There's a chance he might be asleep," she thought. "And he needs…deserves…privacy…"
She hadn't planned to return to work that day, but after tossing and turning much of the night she gave up the battle for sleep. "I might as well go in," she thought. "I can something done…And I'll go by Bobby's apartment around noon to see if he wants some lunch…and maybe something more…" She shook her head. "My Lord," she thought. "I've been with him once…and he may have spoiled me for any other man."
Major Case was surprisingly alive for the early hour when Alex arrived at One Police Plaza. She brushed past Megan Wheeler, and before Alex could thank the younger detective for safely delivering her car Wheeler explained the activity.
"Minor emergency," she said. "Local bigwig thought his daughter was missing…Turned out she'd just spent the night out with friends. The parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce, and the kid needed some time away from them. Having met the mom and dad, I'm with the kid." Wheeler looked at Alex. "And what are you doing here anyway?"
"Better than wrestling with my head," Alex said ruefully.
"That's what Goren said," Wheeler said.
Alex's jaw dropped. "Bobby's here?" she squawked.
"Yea, but I didn't tell you," Wheeler said. "He's in one of the interview rooms doing paperwork. And Ross doesn't know he's here."
Alex walked quickly to the room. Bobby sat at its table studying one of several files. As she entered, he looked up at her like a small boy caught shaking the presents under the Christmas tree.
"What are you doing here?" Alex was more shocked than angry.
"I…I couldn't sleep…And there wasn't anything left to do in my apartment…I had to get out…I…" Bobby looked at her. "What are you doing here at this hour?"
"Same as you," Alex answered, although she suspected her feelings and thoughts were far from as dark and confused as Bobby's. "Couldn't sleep."
Bobby tilted his head towards the Squad Room. "I guess there was some excitement." He stared down at the files. "Thank you…for not getting angry." He twirled his pen. "There's another reason I'm here…I wanted to talk to Ross…to let him know…" His grip tightened on the pen, and Alex felt her heart skip a beat. "That…I'm going to take a leave for a few months…"
Alex sat deliberately across from him and tried to make sense of the storm of emotions besieging her.
"I…I thought I'd spend a week or so to clean up any paperwork or cases…Hand off anything…Give Ross time to find you a new partner…"
"A temporary partner," Alex said quickly.
Bobby nodded. "Temporary."
"Ok," Alex said, although she felt decided not ok. "We've talked about this…It's not a surprise…"
"Alex," Bobby said with a mix of agony and despair. "I…I don't mean to hurt you…It's just…"
A sharp knock on the door stopped Bobby's words, and the two detectives turned to see a surprised Captain Ross standing in the doorway.
"What are you two doing here?"
END Chapter Nine