Chapter Ten

With a weight in her chest that she had grown unhappily familiar with in the past few days, Alex watched Bobby sign another form and add it to the steadily growing pile of completed paperwork on his desk. In the few days since his mother's death, Bobby had disappeared inside his head, and Alex had no idea of how to reach him. He worked efficiently, almost robotically, as he cleared up cases, prepared case notes, and led Mike Logan through his and Alex's few open cases. Alex was glad Logan would act as her temporary partner—she liked him and knew that Megan Wheeler's hopefully brief absence left him in limbo and that he was grateful to be with Alex. Alex sensed the arrangement somewhat eased Bobby's worries as well. Bobby Goren and Mike Logan were very different detectives and men, but both were very good detectives and very good men. Ross was grateful for the relatively calm transition. The captain treated the three detectives with care; when he discovered Alex and Bobby in the office so soon after the funeral of Bobby's mother, Ross reacted more with resignation than anger. Bobby later reported to Alex that Ross was supportive and understanding when Bobby entered this office to confirm his request for a leave of absence. The captain had also been quietly and subtly sensitive to Alex since that day, and she was torn between gratitude and irritation at the treatment.

She wished she knew what was going on in Bobby's head, although she suspected Bobby would like to know that as well. He seemed to want her and to be grateful for her presence, but, just as on the day before and of his mother's funeral, there were moments when he seemed to forget her or feel intense guilt for wanting and/or needing her. Alex was reasonably certain that if she hadn't dragged Bobby to meals he wouldn't be eating, or if she didn't demand that he accompany her to her house he would be sleeping even less than he was. She frequently heard him pacing in her guest room, and she strongly doubted he got any more rest in his apartment.

He needed a break, not only from work, but from his life. "But I'm part of that life," Alex thought. "And I don't want him to leave…I've only been with him once…and I want him again so badly…I love him…I'll miss him so much…Oh, God…Please help me to do the right thing." Alex rubbed her eyes, blinked and discovered Bobby gazing at her with great, dark sad eyes. He looked away quickly. "He feels bad enough about this," Alex thought. "If I asked him, he wouldn't leave." The realization of the power she held over him thrilled and terrified her. "I have to do the right thing," she thought. "I have to do it for him and for me."

Bobby pulled the last form from his to do file, read and signed it. He glanced at Alex, who now appeared to be in a deep study of the file on her desk. "I'm hurting her so much," he thought. "I've used her, and I'm going to leave, and I'm going to hurt her…And I don't know what else I can do. I love her, but I can't let myself really love her until I get myself straightened out…Until I know who I am…It's so hard…All I want to do is to stay…To love her and make love to her…but I can't…I can't…It'd destroy me…I'd destroy her…" He checked his desk, but nothing remained on it for him. He saw Logan by the coffee machine and walked over to the detective.

"Logan," Bobby said softly. "You got everything you need from me? Anything you need cleared up?"

Logan took a drink of coffee and winced. "You'd think the Major Case Squad would rate better coffee. I understand why you and Eames make those java runs out of the office." He smiled at Bobby. "Everything's fine, Goren…You've done a great job bringing me up to speed. And Eames can clear up any questions. And if our backs are up against the wall, I'll call you. And don't worry. I won't do such a great job that no one will miss you."

Bobby smiled wanly. "I don't know. After a few days without me, all anyone may remember are all the weird things I do."

"I don't think that'll happen," Logan said. "I think Ross already misses having you as the ace up his sleeve."

Bobby glanced at the Captain's office. He sensed that Ross had dealt with pressure from the Brass to keep him on the job. Bobby's implied threat of abandoning the NYPD completely and Ross' passing on of that threat helped lead to the granting of Bobby's leave, but Bobby was still enormously grateful to Ross for protecting and standing up for him.

"I don't know if I'm an ace," Bobby said wryly. "More like a joker."

"It'll be ok, Goren," Logan said. "I'll keep an eye on Eames. You don't have to worry, I promise. You do what you need to do. Not a lot of people get a chance to take stock of their lives."

"Thanks, Logan," Bobby said warmly. "I don't think I could do this without knowing someone would be there for Eames."

"Hey, she's a good cop," Logan shrugged. "It'll be good to work with her."

Bobby walked to Ross' office and cautiously knocked on the door. He entered at Ross' acknowledgement and stood uncertainly. "I've finished the paperwork. Logan is up to speed on everything," he said. "Is there anything else?"

"No," Ross said. "You're done. I appreciate your staying to clear things off your desk."

"I…I appreciate you…all that you've done…for the leave…the support…" Bobby shifted from one foot to the other.

"You have the time," Ross said patiently. "And you deserve it."

"You're sure there's nothing more?" Bobby tried to keep the desperate edge out of his voice.

"You're a great detective," Ross said calmly. "You make this squad…You make me…look very good…I hope…I want you to come back…But you do what's right for you…You take the time…You make the right decision, ok?"

Bobby stared out the window.

"Don't worry," Ross said. "Eames will be all right…Logan and I will watch out for her."

Bobby rarely heard so much concern and care in Ross' voice. "I…I can't promise you anything…I think I'll be back…Right now I'm not sure I even want to go…but I just don't know." He stared at his feet. "Logan says I should look at this as an opportunity."

"That may be a good idea," Ross said gently.

"It's hard for me to think that," Bobby said grimly.

"Goren," Ross said. "Go…and tell Eames she has the rest of the day. Maybe you can talk to each other."

"Yes…thank you…" Bobby extended his right hand. "Thank you."

Ross shook his head. "Take care of yourself, Detective."

Bobby returned to his desk.

"So," Alex said pretending to concentrate on the forms on her desk. "All done?"

"Yea." Bobby shut down his computer. "And Ross said you can take the rest of the day…That maybe we could talk to each other."

Alex raised her eyes to meet his. "That might be a change from the past couple of days," she said cautiously.

Bobby winced. "Yea…I haven't been the most vocal person lately…I'm sorry, Alex…It's…it's just been hard…Let me buy you dinner tonight…Your choice…"

"Ok." Alex shut off her computer and gathered her purse.

Bobby stared at his desk. "I'm not sure what I should take," he said. He was lost, and Alex's heart bled for him.

"I don't think anyone is going to be using that desk," she said quietly. "But if you forget something, I can get it for you."

"Think anyone will use these?" He pointed to the row of reference books on his desk. Over the past six years Bobby's desk had become an unofficial reference source for Major Case.

"They're yours, right?" Alex asked.

"Yea…but I have duplicates at home," Bobby said.

"That doesn't surprise me," Alex said with a smile. "That you'd have extra copies of books that usually only appear in libraries. I promise you that they'll get some use, if only by me." She looked at Bobby's now blank desk and realized that aside from the occasional appearance of the Santa mug and its replacement, no personal items ever graced it.

"Ok…I trust you to take care of them. But don't let Logan use them as paperweights." He looked uneasily around the office.

"What is it?" Alex asked as she stood.

"I…I want to get out of here. Everyone has been great…But…I just want to leave…I don't mean to be rude…But…"

"Ok," Alex said calmly. "Let's just go like we're going on a coffee run or to do an interview…I'll apologize to everyone."

Bobby looked at her in desperate gratitude.

They managed to slip out of the office without attracting attention. The squad knew that Bobby was taking a long leave, but few beyond Ross and Logan, knew when it was scheduled to begin. Ross was preoccupied when they left the office; Logan briefly caught their eyes but did nothing more than give a quick nod of his head.

Bobby rocked impatiently on his heels as they rode the elevator. He didn't speak until they reached the garage and headed to his car. "Where do you want to go?"

Alex used the elevator ride to consider her options and make her decision. "Carina's," she said decisively.

Bobby looked at her over the roof of his car. "Carina's," he said with some surprise. "I thought you might pick some place…more expensive…more special…"

"I like it…and it's special," Alex answered. "It's where we went to celebrate our first case…when I knew I was staying with you…"

Bobby stood lost in his thoughts for a moment. They had returned to the small restaurant for enough celebratory dinners that the staff had come to think of them as favorite patrons—one waitress treated them as a romantic couple during their last visit, and he and Alex didn't correct her. He slipped behind the steering wheel. "Ok," he said.

Alex buckled her seat belt. "Besides," she said brightly. "I'm hungry…Carina's is close enough that I get fed reasonably soon but far away enough that we shouldn't run into anyone."

"Carina's it is," Bobby said. "I need to stop by my place to pick up a few things."

"What's going to happen to your apartment?" Alex asked tentatively.

"My friend…the guy at the Smithsonian," Bobby said.

"The director at the Smithsonian," Alex commented admiringly.

"Yea." Bobby smiled "He has a daughter who has an internship here for a few months…It's perfect for her…I won't have to move my books…In fact the books are a plus for her."

"Is she studying psychology? Or forensics?"

"Those aren't the only books I own, you know. But she is a premed student considering psychiatry." He drove carefully through the late afternoon traffic.

"With your library she could get her degree in those months," Alex said.

Alex sat in the passenger seat. Several months, Bobby said. She knew he would be gone; she knew it would be a long time. But the idea of not being near Bobby for several months was suddenly, terribly real to Alex.

"Bobby," she asked tentatively. "How long do you plan to be gone?"

Bobby carefully maneuvered his car into his building's parking garage. After finding a spot, he sat for several moments before turning to Alex. "At least three months," he said in a soft, strained voice.

"I know," she said. "That it was going to be a while. But we never put a number on it."

"Yea…" He reached for the car door. "I just need to run up and get something…"

Alex hadn't seen much of the inside of Bobby's apartment in recent months. In the early days of their partnership, she occasionally wondered if Bobby ever left One Police Plaza or if he lived in some closet there. She knew that a barrier between them fell one early morning after a hard case when Bobby invited to his apartment for breakfast. Its tidiness surprised her, as well as its almost complete lack of personal items. With a shrug, Bobby told her that he regarded his apartment as a place where he kept some stuff and slept. "And not much of the second," he said wryly. As she looked around the main room as she waited for Bobby, Alex realized the space was even more impersonal, even more Bobbyless, than when she'd seen it before the assault on her and his mother's illness.

"He's already left this place, "she thought. "He's already gone."

A deep, physical yearning for Bobby grew in her. "I hope he remembers that part of our bargain," she thought.

Carrying a large backpack and a stuffed and battered canvas briefcase, Bobby emerged from the back of the apartment. He'd shed his tie and his curls were ruffled. "So," he said nervously. "Do you think this will work for a grad student?"

"Yea," Alex answered, equally nervous. "Perfect. Maybe your smarts will rub off on her." She took a deep breath. "What's in the bags?"

He shrugged. "Just some books…stuff."

"You're…you're ready to leave," she said softly.

"Yea," he admitted after a moment. "I…I was going to take you home tonight…and then…"

Alex closed her eyes. Bobby was leaving. He was really leaving. He was going away, and there was a chance she might never see him again. She opened her eyes to find Bobby standing in front of her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I keep hurting you. I just couldn't find a good time or way to tell you. I'm a coward."

She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You've been completely honest with me, "she whispered in his ear. "You've never lied to me…never took advantage of me…I knew what I was getting into…"

Bobby trembled and wrapped his arms around her. "I love you…You're the only true, good thing in my life…Alex…" he said desperately. "Whatever you want me to do…I'll do it…Whatever you want."

Alex pulled back from him without breaking the embrace. "Oh, no," she said gently. "I love you…I want you to stay…But I will not force you…I will not decide for you…I will not make you do anything you don't want to do…Anything that might hurt you. For one thing, it's wrong, just wrong. For another, you'd resent it. And I'd resent you for letting me do it to you."

He pulled her to him. His chin rested softly on her head.

"You're amazing," he said. His breath rustled her hair as he spoke. "You see and understand all that…and you accept it and want to do the right thing—even if it hurts you."

He held her for several minutes. A soft rumbling finally ended their reverie.

"Me." Alex blushed. "It's been a long time since lunch time."

Bobby released her. "I don't remember either of us having lunch."

"Breakfast then." Alex smiled. "C'mon…I'm hungry."

The restaurant's welcomed them with friendly familiarity. The food wasn't spectacular, but good, and Alex wasn't in the mood for spectacular. She wanted to remember everything about the evening. At some point, she'd come to accept that Bobby was leaving; she could only hope it was for a short time. "He'll come back," Alex thought as she watched him chase a lonely olive around his salad plate. He was, at last, eating something. "He'll come back." She watched through the meal. She'd worked with him for nearly seven years—she'd loved him for at least half that time—and yet she felt the need to memorize everything she could. In many ways she knew his features better than her own. There were the graying—rapidly it seemed in recent months—curls; the bulk that he hated to use as a weapon; the soft voice that was seductive without any effort; the full lips; the seemingly ever present soft stubble; and, above all, the large, long, powerful hands and the deep chocolate eyes surrounded by apparently permanent dark circles.

Bobby caught her close examination. "You have pictures of me, you know…I will contact you once a week…I've promised, and I'll keep that promise."

"I…I know," Alex said as she run her finger around her wine glass. "I…I just want to remember you…all of you…"

"I know," Bobby said huskily. "I've been doing the same thing."

Their eyes met, and Alex's heart leaped into her throat.

"Please," she said. "Can we go?"

She hoped they would return to his apartment, if only because it was closer, but he turned the car in the direction of her house.

"Is this ok?" he asked her shyly. "To go to your place?"

"Yes…but right now…I'd go anywhere with you."

His eyes remained on the road, but his right hand found her left. "Don't tempt me…I…I want this to be special for you…But I also want you…very much…"

Alex's heart caught in her throat. "Oh, God," she thought. "This is really going to happen."

Through the rest of the drive Alex found that she wanted to be as close to Bobby as possible, to the point she considered removing her seatbelt to lean against him. She settled for holding his hand or, when he needed both hands on the wheel, to rest her hand on his shoulder. He longed for her touch as much as she needed to touch him, and rested his hand in hers when he could. The road to her house never seemed so long.

"That's it," Alex said as traffic slowed in front of them. "I'm selling the house. I'm getting a place in or closer to Manhattan."

Bobby tilted his head towards her. "I know you've been thinking about that," he said as he deftly changed lanes. (Pushed, Alex thought, Bobby could be a very effective driver.) "But you know you're probably not going to find anything so big or nice…And you've owned it for a long time."

Alex's hand tenderly glided down the back of Bobby's neck. "I'm not sure if it every really was my house," she said wistfully. "That house belongs to a very different Alex."

Bobby leaned slightly back into her touch. "I think…I can understand that."

When they finally reached her house, Bobby quickly released his seatbelt, leaned over to Alex, and kissed her on the cheek. She caught his chin in her hand and pulled his face to hers. She kissed him deeply; the stubble on his face felt both rough and soft against her cheeks and in her hand.

"Alex." His lips formed her name against hers. "Please…We…need to get inside."

She pulled away from him reluctantly. They stumbled from the car and to her door. Alex fumbled with her keys. Bobby loomed behind her, one large paw pressed gently but insistently against her back. Every cell in her body responded to that touch.

"Damn these keys and locks," Alex hissed.

She was about to beg Bobby to kick the door in when the key finally turned, the lock tumbled, and Alex and Bobby fell against the door. They slammed the door open so violently that they nearly fell on the floor, but manage to stagger and stay on their feet. Alex spun to face Bobby, who kicked the door shut with his foot. She grabbed his head with her hands.

"C'mere," she said huskily and pulled his face down to her. She kissed him deeply and hungrily. Bobby responded with equal passion, devouring her with his kiss. Desperate to stay in contact, they lurched into the living room.

"Bedroom," Bobby gasped.

"Couch is closer," Alex gasped in return.

He regained some control. "Bedroom." His voice was tender and rough. "I want this to last…to be special…for you…"

The love and care and passion in Bobby's eyes overwhelmed Alex. "Oh, Bobby," she murmured.

For a moment they stood holding each other. Bobby pulled away first.

"All right?"

She nodded.

He took her hand with infinite care and led her to the bedroom.

End Chapter Ten