Chapter 11

He stared at her as she curled against his chest. The moonlight streaming in from the window bathed her in a light that made her hair and skin glow. She didn't seem to belong to the earth. She was a beautiful, golden angel. He tentatively raised his hand to stroke her hair.

"She's real…This is real," Bobby thought. "I…There are so many reasons for me to stay…Except…I don't know who I am…"

Alex purred softly and shifted in his arms. Bobby's heart split into a thousand pieces. He tenderly wrapped his arms around her. "I can't stay with her," he thought. "I can't…As much as it's going to hurt her when I leave, it'd hurt so much more if I'd stay and destroy her. And right now, that's what would happen. I'm too messed up…I have to go and get my head together…And if I don't…" He studied Alex. "I'll let her go…I…I can't come back…I'll let her have a life…That's what you're supposed to do when you love someone, right? You want what's best for them…So if it's best that she finds someone else…" Bobby flung one arm across his eyes. "How pathetic are you, Goren…The woman you love just fell asleep in your arms after screaming your name in pleasure…And all you can think of is why she shouldn't be here."

He eased out of bed slowly to try to not disturb her. Alex stirred, and he held his breath, but she accepted his pillow as a substitute for him. He stood and stared at her.

"I love you so much," he whispered. "And that's why I have to go." He stepped away from the bed.

Alex smiled. Her smile became puzzled and then turned to a frown as she realized she held a pillow and not Bobby. A spark of fear woke her as she realized Bobby wasn't in the bed beside her. "Oh no," she thought. "He's gone…He's left…He's spoiled me for anyone else…And he's gone." She sat up quickly and was on the verge of grabbing her clothes when she heard sounds from the bathroom. Relief flooded her.

"I know why he thinks he has to leave," Alex thought. "And I won't—can't—stop him. I have to let him find out who he is…If I force him to stay…And it wouldn't take much force…He'd come to hate it…and me."

Bobby stepped back into the bedroom. "I could leave now," he thought. "But I won't be a coward…She deserves better than that…Much better than me…Oh, God." He sat on the edge of the bed. "Forgive me…please forgive me."

He felt a soft touch on his back and tilted his head towards Alex.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's all right." Alex sat up and wrapped her arms around him. She gently nuzzled his neck, and Bobby leaned back into her touch. He turned, and they kissed deeply. There was so much to say, and neither knew how to say it.

"Please," Alex said desperately as they broke the kiss. "Make love to me again, Bobby…Please…"

He gently pushed her back on the bed. He worshipped her with his hands and lips. Just as he had a few hours before, Bobby touched Alex in ways that gave her joys and pleasures she'd never experienced. Earlier he'd sent her into a frenzy that caused her to scream his name. Now, he took her breath away. She couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't feel beyond what he gave her. She finally lay gasping. Still trembling from his own orgasm, Bobby lay beside her with one arm flung across her body. She turned to look in his dark, beautiful eyes.

"Wow," she managed.

He gave her a sad, sweet smile. "Very wow." He turned on his side and took her chin tenderly in his hand.

The pale morning light grew stronger as they lay next to each other. They stared at each other trying to memorize everything about the place and moment.

"I love you," Bobby finally said. "But I have to…"

Alex touched his cheek. "I…I understand…a little…"

He pulled her to him. "You may understand more than I do."

"C'mon," Alex said. "I'll fix some coffee while you shower."

A few minutes later they sat at the kitchen table. Sunlight began to stream through the windows.

"I…I could buy you some breakfast," Bobby said.

"That's ok…I can fix something…"

Bobby shook his head. "I…I'm not really hungry."

"And you wanted to buy me breakfast? Make me eat while you drank coffee?" she smiled.

Bobby shrugged and stared into his coffee. He wore a dark T-shirt and jeans and had opted not to shave. Alex thought he was beautiful.

"It's ok…You…You can go." She reached across the table to touch his hand.

"You're wonderful," he said. "You're wonderful, and I love you, and I'm leaving you." He put his head in his hands. "I…I must be in trouble…If I think I need to leave something so good…The best thing I've ever known…"

Alex stood and walked to him. She wrapped her arms around his head, and Bobby wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I don't deserve you," he said, his voice muffled against her body. "I don't…"

"Yes, you do," Alex said. "You are a very good and brave man and you deserve happiness…Maybe you need this time to learn that…"

"But…"

"No buts, Bobby…no ifs," she said gently but firmly. "I think I understand why you need this." To her amazement, Alex believed her words. "Just remember, you contact me every week…every week.

"Yes."

They held each other in silence for several minutes.

"I don't mean to send you away…Far from it," Alex said sadly. "But if you want to get anywhere today, you'd better start."

Bobby released her and stood. "Look…I want you…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I…don't think of you…There's nothing exclusive about us…If you meet someone…" He paced away from her. "I'm not expressing this well."

"I know what you're trying to say," Alex said. "And the same goes for you."

They looked at each other and both knew that no person would ever take the other's place.

"I'll write…call," Bobby said.

She followed him to the front door. He picked up his two bags.

"I'm going to sell this place," she said suddenly.

"Let me know where you're going," Bobby said softly. "So I can find you."

"Of course," Alex said. "After you find yourself."

He dropped the bags, walked to her, and embraced her.

"I love you," he said in a choked voice. "Thank you."

He kissed her, and he was gone.

END CHAPTER 11