Chapter Sixteen
The week following the Family Picnic was one of the quietest Hogwarts had seen for a long time. Ronnie smiled happily as she ate her scrambled eggs.
"This is great," she said to nobody in particular, "not a single prank all week! Fred and George sure delivered this time 'round!"
Harry nodded absentmindedly as he studied the parchment laid out before him. He chewed the end of his quill anxiously.
"Who do I invite to this party?" he muttered.
Draco peered over his shoulder and scanned the messy handwriting which littered the page.
"Seems like a good start," he drawled, "but I could have these plans done in five minutes."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, you could, could you?" he asked sardonically. "Well, off you go then."
Draco smirked and plucked the quill from Harry's hand.
'Invite,' he wrote, 'all Hogwarts staff, students, ghosts, magical creatures and other residents.'
He then folded the sheet neatly and cleared his throat. Immediately a small House-Elf appeared beside him.
"Master Draco calls Leggy?"
Draco nodded.
"Yes, I have here a list of persons to be invited to a surprise party for Hedwig the owl. Kindly distribute invitations and prepare catering and decorations for a start at six o'clock next Friday evening in the old Charms classroom. You may need to enlarge it."
Leggy bowed deeply and tucked the list inside his toga-style pillow-case.
"Master Draco is very good to be trusting Leggy, sir! Leggy will be working extra hard for Master Draco!"
Draco nodded.
"Thankyou Leggy, you are dismissed."
The Elf disappeared with a crack.
Harry gaped at Draco, who was currently looking very smug.
"You," he said, when he had finally found his voice again, "are a git."
Draco smirked.
"I know," he said, "super, isn't it?"
Suddenly a large package landed heavily on the table before Harry and Draco, causing several first years to fall off their benches.
Harry picked up the card resting on top of the parcel.
"Deliver to Ms. Rachel Grey," he read aloud, "one full size IKEA coffin for two."
"Huh," said Ronnie, "that's not suspicious at all."
"Let's open it!" suggested Draco eagerly.
"NO!" said Rachel Grey, snatching the parcel away from the blonde's outstretched hands. "I need this!"
"What for?" asked Draco slyly.
"Uhh .. for my .. pet … hamster," said Rachel, "he died from complications due to … lamingtons."
"Oh," said Harry, "that makes sense."
Rachel nodded frantically.
"Yes, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bury … er … Spike … poor little mite …"
She appeared to wipe a tear from her left eye, and then quickly exited the Great Hall.
"Hmmm …" said Draco, "something doesn't add up here …"
"How would you know?" asked Harry, who was piling his plate with pancakes. "You didn't even go to school until you were eleven."
"Wow," said Harry, "I can't believe it's Friday evening already."
Ronnie nodded wisely.
"The Author probably couldn't think of much else to write about."
"Who?" said Harry.
"Never mind," replied Ronnie.
Draco toddled towards the two talking teenagers.
"Firewhisky?" he offered, unaware that he had ruined a nice little bit of alliteration.
"Sure," said Harry, "you know, Draco, this party turned out quite well."
Draco preened.
Suddenly, something on the opposite side of the room caught Ronnie's eye.
"Oh," she said, "something on the opposite side of the room caught my eye."
"What?" said Harry as Draco continued preening.
Ronnie turned to face the other side of the room, her hair flicking out behind her like a carpet of fire.
The only two straight guys in the room got blood noses.
The crowd parted and the DJ quickly lead into a romantic violin solo album.
"Oh," swooned Ronnie.
For, over on the opposite side of the room, in a huge bathtub, was the Giant Squid.
As if in a dream, Ronnie made her way over to the huge crustacean.
"Hi," she said breathlessly, "I'm Ronnie."
"Jarred," said the Squid, extending one huge tentacle.
Meanwhile, Rachel Grey was sitting in the Library, getting increasingly frustrated due to some incredibly unintelligible construction instructions.
"There is no part K-2/VII!" she howled, throwing the booklet down on the table. "I wish Louise was here – she knows how these IKEA folk think!"
She buried her face in her hands in annoyance.
A large pigeon took this opportunity to land on her head, and drop a small scroll onto the table.
Rachel absentmindedly shooed the bird away, distracted by the sparkly pink ink used to address the letter.
"There's only one person that cheery who'd be sending letters to me," she muttered.
She quickly smoothed out the parchment and began to read the letter aloud.
"Rachel! Hi! Sorry I left without telling you, but I was kidnapped. Don't worry though, we've come to an agreement and I'll be back at school sometime in the next three months. Anyway, I've got to go whip someone, but I'll talk to you later. From Louise."
Rachel blinked.
"What the hell has she been doing for the last two weeks?"
two weeks ago
Louise woke up and groaned loudly.
"Mornings," she grumbled, "I hate mornings."
She sat up, rubbed her head and then blinked in surprise as she took in the green and purple diamond-patterned wallpaper, the peacock blue carpet, the orange sheepskin rug and the huge red bed in which she was currently residing in.
"Dear God," she said, "who decorated this place? Oompa Loompas?"
And, as if on cue, the bright yellow door swung open to emit two grinning red-heads.
Louise began to fan herself.
"Greetings!" said one red-head loudly.
"So hot," muttered Louise.
"We have," said the other twin, "kidnapped you! You're the one who was executing all the-"
"- very impressive-"
"-pranks at Hogwarts-"
"-and so we're keeping you here-"
"-so that our sister doesn't go insane-"
"-and also because we think-"
"-that you're hot."
The twins grinned widely.
"Any questions?"
Louise nodded.
"What's the age of consent over here?"
Two weeks later, Rachel Grey found a postscript on a letter from a friend.
'I've also finally got proof that orgasms increase brain power – more detail when I get back!'
Rachel sat silently for a long while.
"Nope," she finally declared, "still don't get it."