Chapter Nineteen
"Sure is quiet," said Harry.
Draco nodded in agreement. All around the Great Hall couples in fancy dress huddled together, whispering nervously amongst themselves.
"What's going on?" asked Ronnie, clutching one of Jarred's tentacles. "Where's the music?"
Harry shrugged as Dumbledore made his way slowly out on to the stage.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid The Howling Banshees have all contracted brain fever and thus can not be with us tonight."
The students looked at each with dismay.
"The Fancy Dress Ball is cancelled," concluded the Headmaster.
A small boy dressed as a rabbit began to sob quietly as people started to make their way from the Hall.
"Wait!" cried Draco, leaping up onto the stage. "I'm saving the day!"
The students paused in their leaving to look at Draco curiously.
With great aplomb, Draco reached into his pocket and pulled out … a mobile phone!
"Muggle electrical devices don't work at Hogwarts!" said Parvati Patil.
Draco sneered.
"Explain this then," he said, dialling a number into the keypad.
The crowd watched with avid anticipation as Draco held the phone to his ear and … waited for the call to be connected.
Harry checked his watch, the phone had been ringing for almost a minute and the first years were getting restless.
Then, finally, Draco spoke.
"Hello, Gerard? Yeah, hi - nice of you to answer so promptly. Sorry doesn't cut it anymore, mister. Look, I don't care if you really needed one … ok, fine, look I need you to come entertain some kids. Yes, its short notice. Yes. Yes. Ok. Pink? Sure. I don't care! Seriously, just get here already! Geez, anyone would think I didn't own your soul or something. Ok, great, see you then."
Draco hung up with a beep and smirked triumphantly.
"They'll be here soon," he said.
"HOORAH!" said the crowd.
"Who are we talking about?" said Dean Thomas.
"Look!" cried Anthony Goldstein. "Up on the stage!"
Silence fell over the room once more as five figures gradually shimmered into view.
"It's a band!" cried Betty Cooper excitedly.
A few hours on, the ball was still in full swing.
"I just can't get over how much the lead singer looks like you," said Harry as he poured his boyfriend a glass of punch.
Draco smirked happily.
"Yes," he said, "I think the chap idolizes me somewhat."
"What are they called again?"
Draco waved a hand dismissively.
"Oh, 'Our Alchemy Love' or some such nonsense," he replied.
Harry nodded and then groaned as he caught sight of a figure heading towards them.
"Oh, great," he said, "here comes Colin."
Draco rolled his eyes as the boy came to a stop beside them.
"Hi Harry," said Colin miserably, "I just came to see if you were alright."
"I'm fine," said Harry in confusion, "why wouldn't I be?"
"Because today's, like, the anniversary of your parent's, like, death and all," replied Colin.
"Oh," said Harry, "it is?"
Draco shifted uncomfortably as Colin nodded.
"I thought you, like, knew," continued the boy, "otherwise why would they call it, like, Harry Potter day and stuff?"
Harry blinked.
"It's called Harry Potter day?" he asked, turning to his boyfriend for confirmation.
Draco nodded.
Harry appeared to be deep in thought, although it was difficult to be sure.
"Well," he finally declared, "I'm not going to let the sacrifice of my parents go to waste. Come on, Draco; let's go eat lollies until we puke!"
Colin scowled at their retreating backs.
"I thought that was, like, going to turn him emo for sure," he muttered, and then sulked off to adjust his fringe.
"Hi y'all!" chirped Hermione, as she walked over to Harry and Draco, dragging Severus behind her.
"Hello, Hermione," replied Harry, "what are you dressed as?"
"I'm Pamela Anderson!" she said. "And Severus is either Kid Rock or Tommy Lee – I forget which!"
"Oh," said Draco, slightly terrified by her cheeriness.
"Oh," said Harry, who was worried for his father's sanity.
Snape smiled crookedly.
"I like rainbows," he said.
"And what are you, Draco?" asked Hermione quickly.
"Can't you tell?" he replied, sounding slightly put-out.
They all took in his blue jumpsuit, his black boots and the silver letters which spelt out 'please' on his chest.
"Errr, well," said Harry, "no."
Draco put his hands on his hips and pouted.
"I'm a PLEASEMAN, of course!"
"Yeah, I've heard that before," said Rachel Grey, as she approached the group. "Hi Professor Snape," she added, winking at the Potions Master.
"She seems happier," whispered Harry.
Draco nodded.
Snape smiled at Rachel, who preened.
Hermione screwed up her face as she looked the other girl up and down.
"What are you meant to be?" she sniffed.
Rachel flicked her long black hair over her shoulder.
"A jedi, you culturally ignorant lummox. And I guess you're meant to be a hooker?"
Hermione's perfect cheeks flushed with anger.
"Pamela Anderson," she corrected from behind gritted teeth.
Rachel shrugged.
"Same crup, different collar," she replied indifferently.
Hermione's eyes narrowed, and she drew her wand.
Rachel flicked her wrist and before you could say 'bitch fight' she was clutching her wand as well.
"Avis!" cried Hermione, and five fat little canaries went shooting through the air.
Rachel rolled her eyes as she simultaneously ducked and shot a bolt of red light towards Hermione's legs, who promptly fell over.
Rachel smirked as the other girl struggled to stand with inversed knee-caps.
"Incendio!" spat Professor Granger.
"Protego!" countered Grey, and the burning spell dissolved harmlessly.
Tension seemed to crackle through the air.
"Ladies, please!" cried Professor Flitwick as he ran between the duellers. "Can't we all just be friends?"
But Hermione and Rachel had both already sent their hexes flying towards each other and, with a loud bangpop, Professor Flitwick was no longer.
"OMG!" cried Hermione. "We've, like, killed him!"
Rachel rolled her eyes and pointed to the small purple squirrel which sat quivering between the two girls.
"Who do you think that is then?" she asked sardonically.
After safely delivering Professor Flitwick to the Hospital Wing, Harry made his way back to the Great Hall, pausing in a little used hallway to re-tie his shoelace.
"Down here," whispered a voice as two shadowy figures came to a stop in the hallway near Harry, who was hidden in the shadows of a large statue of Fredrick the Flatulent.
"So, you say that the Defence Against The Dark Arts professor is evil?" said the large figure quietly. "Well, that's new."
The smaller figure nodded and pushed his glasses up his nose.
"Ever since he found out that I'm a wizard, he's been blatantly re-using his original plan by attempting to force me to marry him, as under Wizarding Law it's legal for a boy to wed someone old enough to be his father," he said.
"Hmmm," said the other boy, "well, you've come to the right person. I'll make sure this villain is stopped!"
"Oi!" said Harry, popping up from behind the statue. "I'm the one who defeats the bad guys!"
"Oh, yeah?" said the larger of the shadowy figures, stepping into the dim light.
"Neville," gasped Harry, "I should have known."
Klaus Baudelaire looked nervously between the two older boys.
"Maybe you could work together to defeat Olaf?" he suggested tentatively.
The two sixth years ignored him.
"You need to realise you're not the only hero in the fictional genre." hissed Neville/Alex.
Harry narrowed his eyes and reached for his wand.
But before he could so much as hex the other boy, a brilliant white light began to emanate from the ceiling and the soft sound of harps filled the hallway.
A figure slowly descended and as she grow closer the three boys took in her flowing brown hair and long white dress.
"OH MY GOD!" cried Klaus. "It's GOD!"
The girl landed softly on the stone floor and shot Klaus a strange look.
"Don't be silly," she said.
"Are you really God?" asked Neville/Alex.
"No," said the girl.
"Is being God fun?" asked Harry.
"I'm not God!" snapped the girl.
"When you're God, do you get to talk to Elvis all the time?" asked Klaus.
"Have you always been God?" asked Harry.
"Do the angels call you Boss, or just God?" asked Neville/Alex.
"I'm. Not. God," repeated the girl slowly, carefully articulating every word.
Klaus tilted his head to the side, apparently deep in thought.
"What are the requirements for being God?" he finally asked.
"Will you be my friend, God?" asked Harry.
The girl threw her hands up in the air.
"I'm just here to pass on a message!" she said in exasperation.
"Oh," said Neville/Alex, "what's the message then, God?"
The girl rubbed her temples.
"You're all morons," she muttered.
"Ummm … God?" said Harry.
"What?" said the girl irritably.
"Aha!" said Harry triumphantly. "I knew you were God!"
The girl groaned.
"What's wrong, God?" asked Klaus.
"Never mind," said the girl, "look, Harry, please just let Neville/Alex deal with Olaf. It's a plot point."
Harry nodded.
"Ok," he said, "I'll do that, God."
Neville/Alex looked smug.
"And you, Neville/Alex," added the girl, "try and be a little more in character, ok?"
Neville/Alex nodded.
"I never wanted to be a secret agent anyway," he groaned.
"What about me?" asked Klaus.
"Nah," said 'God', "you're good."
Klaus beamed and bopped his head enthusiastically.
"And, er, just remember kids, three fruit and five veg – you're already halfway there!" concluded the girl as she rose slowly towards the ceiling and disappeared from view.
"Right," said Harry, "I'm gonna go spread the word of God."
The crowd enthusiastically applauded Draco's band off the stage as they finished their last song.
Colin Creevy sighed.
"They are, like, so deep and intense and stuff. When I grow up I want to be nothing at all, too."
Next to him, Rachel Grey shook her head pityingly.
"You don't understand me!" cried Colin as he spun to face the exchange student.
"Correct," said Rachel, "I also don't understand what you're meant to be dressed up as."
Colin scoffed.
"Like, hello. Cloak, tight black pants, boots and spiked collared necklace? I'm, like, a vampire, of course."
Rachel laughed.
"Riiiight," she said, "because that's really how vampires dress."
Colin flicked his fringe irritably.
"How would you know anyway?" he scowled.
Rachel opened her mouth to reply, but before she had the chance to articulate even a single syllable, River Tam and Luna Lovegood walked dreamily over to them.
"Hey," said Luna.
Rachel looked the girls up and down, taking in every aspect of their costumes.
Her eyes widened and she began backing away slowly.
"Hello," said River, advancing towards Rachel with her arm outstretched.
"Argh!" yelled Rachel as she ran from the room.
"She must have seen a Gattable," said Luna.
River nodded.
"Like, what are you guys meant to be?" asked Colin.
"Cloves of garlic," replied Luna.
"Oh," said Colin, "hardcore."
River looked at the ceiling.
"Tick tock. Tock tick. Time time time," she announced.
Luna nodded.
"You're right, River," she said, "we should go and prepare for acceptance."
Colin looked at the ceiling in confusion.
"Goodbye, Colin," said Luna.
River Tam gripped Colin's arm.
"Beware the pine trees," she whispered, and, with that, the two girls drifted off again.
Colin shook his head and began paying attention to Professor Dumbledore, who was currently speaking from up on the stage.
"And that's the end of the Seventh Year awards!" he proclaimed. "Congratulations once again to Cedric Diggory on taking home first prize."
The crowd applauded politely as Cedric grinned and waved his knife. He had come as some Muggle called Jack, apparently.
"Now, on to the Sixth Years!" beamed Dumbledore. "Professor McGonagall, if you will?"
Professor McGonagall nodded professionally and stepped to the front of the stage.
"Third prize," she announced, "goes to Ronnie Weasley as Juliet!"
Ronnie bounded up onto the stage.
"Thankyou so much!" she gushed. "I'd like to thank the academy, and my One True Love Jarred for always being my Romeo, and my mum and dad for giving birth to me, and my brain for giving me the idea, and …"
"Yes, thankyou Miss Weasley," said McGonagall, "that's enough."
As Ronnie was ushered offstage, Professor Lupin stepped forward.
He was dressed, somewhat ironically, as Little Red Riding Hood.
"Second prize," he said, "is awarded to …"
The crowd held its breath.
"Padma Patil, who came as a hamster!"
The Ravenclaw girl squeaked happily and hurried up to the stage to collect her award, amidst heavy applause from the crowd.
"Well done, Padma," said Professor Sprout, "first prize – the one we've all been waiting for – goes to …"
There was complete silence in the Hall. Sirius Black dropped a pin and grinned as he heard it hit the floor.
"Blaise Zabini, who came as Hugh Jackman!"
The crowd went wild as Blaise walked onto the stage, as that's what crowds do. The Metamorphmagus waved and winked to his girlfriend, who flashed him in return.
"Congratulations, Blaise!" said Professor Dumbledore. "Now, before we move onto the Fifth Years, I'd like to present a special award to the 36 individuals who all came in leather pants and tight muscle shirts! Can we have a representative to collect the award, please?"
Denis Creevy approached the Headmaster nervously.
Dumbledore beamed at him.
"Such an original idea!" he said happily. "Do tell me, what was the inspiration behind your costumes?"
Denis swallowed and shifted uncomfortably.
"We all thought this is what Harry Potter would be wearing," he muttered.
Dumbledore nodded sagely.
"I see," he said.
The crowd turned to look at Harry, who was standing at the back of the Hall, quietly drinking some punch.
The-Boy-Who-Lived smiled nervously.
"I like astronauts?" he said tentatively.
Dumbledore shook his head slowly.
"Oh well," he said, "on to the Fifth Years."
Professor Black cleared his throat.
"Third prize goes to Luna Lovegood who, along with River Tam, came as a clove of garlic!"
A/N Congratulations! You have read approximately 27,305 words of Harry Potter and The Clichés Of Doom!
Unless, of course, you cheated and skipped ahead a couple of chapters. If that's the case; bad internet person, no hardware updates for you.
However! If you have read all those words, you may be filled with joy and/or sadness to hear that the members of TLLL are moving out of their childhood homes, and on into the Real WorldTM.
Now, the Real WorldTM is all well and good UNLESS you are entering it as a poor university student with no internet connection at your residence.
Nooo! Say it isn't so!
Sadly, it is so; updates WILL continue, but with longer intervals in between them.
But, YOU can make them happen faster! Yes, YOU!
How, you may ask? It's quite simple. Reviews are kind of like oil - but without the inflated prices; they make the world go 'round! And, occasionally, inspire invasion of other countries.
So, the point here being, if we get ten reviews for this chapter, we'll update before the week on which the tenth review is received ends. Oh, it's so easy!
And for a limited time only, you'll get this free George Foreman Fat Free Grill ABSOLUTLY FREE! Oh, wait, sorry.
You'll get the satisfaction of knowing you've brightened the day of some psychotic strangers. All together now; awww.
We also may invade Sweden. I hear they have good meatloaf over there.