Chapter Twenty

"Wake up, Harry!" yelled Rachel Grey.

Harry did so.

"Argh!" he cried. "What's happening?!"

Rachel grinned and cancelled the sonorous charm she had put on herself.

"It's time for breakfast!" she said.

Harry groaned and slumped back onto his pillow.

"Come on, sleepy-head," sung Rachel, sounding more than a little evil to Harry's sleep deprived ears.

Harry attempted to fall asleep again.

"Oh dear," said Rachel happily, "Ronnie did tell me to get you up, but it doesn't look like you're going to."

Harry groaned quietly.

"Well, I guess I've got no choice. If you don't get up, I'll have to show Draco this!" said Rachel joyfully.

Harry opened one eye.

"No!" he gasped, leaping out of bed. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, yes, I would!" said Rachel, barely concealing her joy.

"Please, Rachel," said Harry desperately, "not Sunshine Bear!"

Rachel put a finger to her chin in an imitation of deep thought.

"Well," she said, "you are out of bed, so as long as you promise not to go back to sleep, I guess I can keep Mr Bear here a secret."

Harry nodded eagerly.

"Yes, yes, I promise," he said.

Rachel grinned and handed Harry his bear.

"See you later!" she said and strutted happily from the room.

Harry waiting until he was sure Rachel was out of ear shot before he spoke.

"Don't you worry, Sunshine Bear, I won't let that big meanie girl take you away from me."

He held his bear close to his chest.

"I love you too, Sunshine Bear."

"What have we got first?" asked Harry around a mouth full of bacon.

"Care of Magical Creatures," said Ronnie, swallowing her eggs.

"And then?" asked Harry.

Ronnie glanced at her timetable and choked slightly.

Harry helpfully pounded her on the back until she stopped coughing.

"Thanks," wheezed Ronnie, taking a large drink of Pumpkin Juice.

"So, what have we got?" said Harry.

Ronnie didn't reply. Instead, she simply pushed her timetable towards her friend.

Harry grabbed the parchment and quickly scanned down the lists.

"Here it is!" he said. "Second class – SEX EDUCATION?!"

The occupants of the Great Hall moved as one to stare at Harry.

Harry looked up in confusion.

"Since when do we have Sex Ed?" he asked.

Dumbledore rose from his seat at the head of the Staff Table.

"Since today!" he beamed.

"Why?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore shrugged.

"Shits and giggles," he replied.

"Good morning, everybody!" said Sirius as he bounded to the front of the group of students assembled on his front lawn.

A few students mumbled back a half-hearted greeting, but Sirius didn't seem at all deterred by their lack of enthusiasm.

"Now!" he said, clapping his hands together gleefully. "Remus is very busy today, and our nanny quit after she lost her second finger, so our lesson today will focus on the feeding and bathing of were-dog children!"

"Second finger?" whispered Dean.

"Any possibility of just doing Flobberworms or something?" asked Parvati tentatively.

"Nope!" beamed Sirius. "You'll be assigned one pup-kid each and be graded on both the amount of food actually consumed and general cleanliness after bathing."

He raised a finger threateningly.

"That includes behind the ears," he added.

Harry gulped.

Sirius whistled loudly.

"KIDS!" he yelled. "TIME FOR MORNING TEA!"

"They've been up since four," he whispered to Lavender Brown as the six pup-kids raced out of the house.

Lavender paled.

"I want ice-cream!" proclaimed one small girl as soon as she reached her father.

"Not for morning tea, Lynx," said Sirius.

"Why not?" said Caelum, who was playing with some grass.

"That's the rules," replied Sirius.

Caelum nodded, strangely accepting of this answer.

Sirius crouched down to the level of his offspring and motioned them towards him.

"See them?" he said, motioning to the motionless, huddled group of Sixth Years.

The pup-kids all nodded solemnly.

"They're going to make you your tea today," said Sirius.

"I don't like them," stated one of the boys, glaring at the older kids as he spoke.

"Yes, you do," said Sirius, "see? There's Harry. You like him."

Ophicuchus pouted and folded his arms, but seemed pleased nonetheless.

"Now," said Sirius, "go and pick a big kid each while I get everything set up."

The sixth years trembled as the group of children turned their scrutinizing gaze towards them.

"I pick that girl!" shrieked Eridanus, running towards Parvati at incredible speed.

"I want Harry!" yelled Ophicuchus.

"Don't we all?" mumbled Seamus, who was then promptly attacked by Dorado, who seemed to be enjoying having new people to tackle.

"You look stupid," stated Fornax, glaring up at Lavender, "I bet you can't even do magic."

"What's your name?" asked Lynx, as she attempted to sit on Dean's head.

"Hi Caelum," said Ronnie to the only child who was not acting like he was under the influence of sugar and sleep loss, "how are you today?"

"Scared," replied Caelum.

Ronnie watched Parvati run past, closely followed by a stick wielding Eridanus.

"Me too," she sighed, "me too."

Sirius whistled loudly to regain the attention of his class and offspring.

"Right!" he said. "I've arranged a table for each pair and all the food and stuff can be found in the little baskets on the tables. Pup-kids, behave yourselves. Students, good luck."

He checked his watch.

"I'll be back in an hour or two," he added.

"You're leaving us?!" shrilled Lavender.

Sirius grinned.

"Right on!"

"Look what you did!" shrieked Lavender, her robes covered in jam.

"You're dumb," sniffed Fornax, without a scrap of remorse, "everyone else knows how gravity works."

"Please talk English again, Ophi," begged Harry, "you're making Caelum nervous."

Ophicuchus smirked up at him.

"Don't care," he hissed.

"Parvati!" shrilled Eridanus, waving her stick wildly above her head. "What did the mermaid say when she swam into a wall?"

"Errrr," said Parvati, eyeing the stick nervously.

"Dam," suggested Dean, who had finally relented in the face of his charge's whining, and was currently preparing a toasted peanut, cucumber and soy sauce sandwich.

"Yeah!" said Eridanus. "Dam, dam, dam, dam, dam!"

"Come on, Dorado," coaxed Seamus, "you've got to eat something."

Dorado folded her arms defiantly and made a show of clamping her mouth shut.

"If you don't eat your sandwich you can't have pudding," added Seamus.

"I DON'T WANT IT!" yelled Dorado. "I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY! I WANT MY PAPA! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!"

"THIS IS YUKKY!" screamed Lynx, throwing her sandwich at Dean. "I DON'T WANT IT!"

"Whoever coined the phrase 'the terrible twos' obviously never met a three year old," muttered Dean, wiping soy sauce from his eyebrows.

Caelum stood up, slipped on jam, and promptly fell over.

"Oh dear," said Ronnie, as Caelum started crying hysterically.

"YOU HURT CAELUM!" screeched Lynx. "YOU'RE A BIG MEANIE!"

"YOU'RE ALL DUMB!" shouted Fornax.

"YOU'RE DUMB!" replied Ophicuchus angrily, but was ignored as only Harry could understand him anyway.

"I WANT MY DADDY!" shrilled Dorado.

"YOU'RE A BIG CRY BABY!" shrieked Lynx.

"I AM NOT!" replied her sister.

"YOU ARE TOO!" rebutted Lynx.

"YOU'RE A FLOBBERWORM KISSER!" injected Fornax.

"YOU SMELL LIKE TOILET!" yelled Eridanus.

"YOU'RE STUPID!" replied Fornax.

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Lynx.

"I HATE YOU MORE!" shrieked Dorado.

Harry buried his head in his hands.

"Could this get any worse?" he mumbled.

Apparently, it could, as Harry soon found himself covered in tomato sauce.

By the time Sirius returned, the pup-kids had declared war on each other – and any Sixth Years who happened to get in the way.

"Our Saviour!" gasped Dean, as he ducked beneath a flying apricot.

Sirius chuckled as he took in the scene.

Tables were overturned, food covered everything, the Sixth Years were huddled behind on of the picnic baskets, and the pup-kids seemed to be imitating some part of the Crusades.

"TROOPS! DESIST!" yelled Sirius.

Dorado dropped the mango she had been preparing to throw and sped over to Sirius.

"PAPA!" she cried joyfully.

The other five children followed quickly.

"-PAPA-DOGGY I DON'T-"

"-really stupid-"

"-ice-cream-"

"-and then Lynx-"

"-flobberworm!"

Sirius held up a hand and the pup-kids fell silent.

"You've made a very big mess," he said gravely, "and now you're all dirty."

He paused for effect.

"You know what this means,"

"Oh, no!" said Eridanus, with wide eyes.

"Oh, yes," said Sirius, "this means bathtime."

"Noooo!" wailed Lynx.

"I'm sorry!" added Fornax.

Sirius shook his head.

"It's too late now," he said, "The Sixth Years are going to have to wash you all up!"

"Oh, no," said Ronnie, "the Sixth Years are going to have to wash themselves all up."

Dean nodded as he fished mashed cucumber out of his ear.

"We don't care if we fail," he added.

"We've had enough!" said Harry.

"We're outta here," concluded Lavender.

Sirius shrugged.

"Suit yourselves," he said with a grin.

The Sixth Years nodded firmly and headed back towards the castle.

"Bathtime?" whimpered Caelum.

Sirius nodded, and with a wave of his wand, the pup-kids were covered in specially formulated anti-flea shampoo.

"Yucky," moaned Dorado.

"How 'bout you go wash off in the lake?" suggested Sirius innocently.

Ophicucus narrowed his eyes.

"What's the catch," he asked suspiciously.

Sirius grinned.

"You aren't allowed to tell your daddy what happened here today," he said, "but you can go shake on Filtch when you're done."

The pup-kids considered the offer and quickly came to an agreement.

Sirius sighed with relief.

"Phew," he muttered, "if Remus found out that I'd left the feeding of our children to my class I wouldn't be getting any for another week."

"Oh, really?" said a voice from behind him.

Sirius winced.

"I'll just go move my rug into the Living Room, shall I?"

Harry looked around the classroom nervously. The entire sixth year was squished in the room and nerves were already being stepped on.

Ronnie checked her watch.

"They're late," she whispered.

Harry nodded.

"I don't want to learn how anyone else does it," whined Draco.

Suddenly, the door opened. The class waited with baited breath for their professor to appear.

However, the person who entered the room was a far cry from what any of them were expecting.

An extremely skinny young woman with blonde hair strutted into the classroom, carrying with her a tiny little dog in a pink jumper.

A few of the Muggleborns gave strangled cries.

"Who the hell is that?" muttered Ronnie.

"If you squint, she looks like a horse!" whispered Harry happily.

"Oh, and that hair is so totally bleached," said Draco, patting his own hair with satisfaction.

"Like, OMG!" said their Professor. "Isn't this hawt?!"

"Who are you?" asked Susan Bones.

"You, like, don't know who I am?" said the woman angrily.

Susan, along with the majority of the class, shook their heads.

Their professor pouted and then quickly crossed her ankles and put one hand on her hip.

"Paris Hilton," she smiled.

"DIE!" cried Rachel Grey from the back of the classroom, pointing her wand at the blonde.

But, to her shock, the spell simply dissolved, leaving Hilton untouched.

"Yeah, right," said Professor Hilton, "there's, like, wards and stuff in here. Duh."

Rachel blocked her ears.

"LA LA LA LA LA!" she sung loudly. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Like, whatEVA," sniffed Hilton.

"You're the one teaching us Sex Ed?" asked Seamus, sounding as though he was dreading the answer.

Hilton beamed. Seamus shrunk down in his chair.

"OMG! Like, totally!" beamed the professor. "Let's have a practical! Like, right now!"

The eyes of the sixth years widened to a size that had previously been thought physically impossible.

Professor Hilton flicked her hair and posed.

"Any volunteers?"

Neville/Alex began wondering if he could break through the window.

Hilton scanned the rows of students.

"I pick …" she drawled, "you!"

She beamed and placed her hand on Harry's shoulder.

Draco calmly drew his wand and held it to Hilton's throat.

"I may not be able to kill you right now," he hissed, "but you'll have to leave his room sometime. And I will kill you then, if you don't remove your hand from my boyfriend immediately."

Hilton withdrew her hand hastily.

"Not hawt," she pouted, "whatEVA. Where's my dawg?"

Justin Finch-Fletchly paled.

Hannah Abbot covered her eyes.

Hilton dragged the dog out from underneath her desk and began rummaging around in the handbag attached to it's collar.

The class breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"Hawt!" announced Hilton, waving a small disk above her head.

"What's that?" asked Ronnie nervously.

"Like, my new, totally hawt, DVD!" proclaimed Hilton. "Ten Guys Go To Paris!"

Dean Thomas threw up.

Hilton quickly inserted the disk into the conveniently located DVD player.

Neville/Alex raced across the room, and, with a leap to shame a toad, jumped through the glass window.

"Great Merlin!" exclaimed Padma Patil. "We're nine stories up!"

But the class was distracted from the fate of their classmate by the opening music of the DVD.

"Save me daddy," whimpered Draco.

Rachel Grey jumped onto her desk.

"Quick!" she exclaimed. "If you value your innocence, your sense of naivety, and your breakfast – kill that woman!"
Hilton laughed.

"Like, you can't!" she said.

"We can't use magic!" cried Theodore Nott. "We can't defeat her!"

Rachel pointed at Hilton dramatically.

"Use the chairs!"

Hilton began to look nervous as the sixth years rose and picked up their chairs.

"Not hawt," she whispered, stepping slowly towards the door.

"Attack!" cried Rachel.

"EEEEEEE!" screamed their professor.

Professor Dumbledore tapped his glass for silence as he stood.

"I'm very sorry to announce the death of our Sexual Education professor, Miss Paris Hilton," he said gravely, "it appears that while attempting to run from her classroom she tripped and fell, causing all of her arms and legs to fall off."

The Headmaster looked seriously at his students over his half-moon glasses.

"We don't know why she was running," he said, "but take this as a warning to you all: it is not hot to not eat."

The students all nodded solemnly.

"Poor Paris!" wailed Professor Granger, clutching the recently deceased's dog.

"Whimper," said the dog.

Rachel Grey simply rolled her eyes.

A/N: Greetings, would you like some meatloaf? Yes?

Oh, wait, I'm sorry – only the wonderful people who reviewed get meatloaf; enjoy, my feathered friends.

As for the rest of you - you know who you are – you get nothing except a pencilling in on the Naughty List.

You've got nobody to blame but yourselves.

Now, on to happier topics, next chapter is Number Twenty-One, and the same deal with reviews/strangers/joy/invasion is continuing.

However, we think we may invade Romania this time. Sweden was disappointingly simple. Reviewers may request gifts and/or towns to be burnt to the ground.

Until next time!