Chapter Twenty-one
Colin Creevy sat plotting in a cobwebby corner of the Library; but miserably, of course.
"There's got to be, like, some way I can make Harry all emo and stuff," he mused aloud, "but, like, how?"
He glanced at the shelf he was sitting beside and immediately spotted a small tome entitled How To, Like, Make The One You, Like, Like All, Like, Emo And Stuff.
"Like, convenient, and stuff," muttered Colin, as he removed the book from the shelf.
"This is, like, no good," he moaned after reading the first ten chapters, "I've, like, tried all this stuff, and stuff! He's just, like, too un-emo!"
But, even as he spoke, his eye was caught by the subtitle under Chapter Eleven: what to, like, do when they're, like, just too un-emo.
Colin flicked his fringe. He would have smiled, but he wasn't that conformist.
He read the chapter as quickly as he could, his eyes flying over the pages.
The he replaced the book on the shelf, and settled down to mope.
And, then, with a flash of hardcore black light, Colin became much more than an emo. He became SUPER EMO!
Colin stood up and admired his very non-conformist black cape.
"Harry Potter," he announced, "prepare to be, like, emo. And stuff."
And, with a quick fringe rearrangement, he made his way to Gryffindor Tower.
Harry frowned as he viewed the results of his Divination homework.
"That can't be right," he muttered, "the arrangement of these coins says that I'll grow a fringe, and enjoy being sad. And that's obviously not possible."
He shrugged, and was about to start again when the loud bang! of the door hitting the wall encouraged him to whip around instead.
He gasped.
"Colin?" he said.
For there, silhouetted against the lights from the hallway, stood a slim figure with a huge spacer hole in one ear.
The figure nodded and stepped into the room.
"Nobody gets you," he said, pointing to Harry with black tipped fingers.
Harry gasped again.
"OMG … hardcore … like, stuff and stuff …" he muttered, clutching his head.
"What's, like, happening to, like, me?"
Colin flicked his fringe as Harry staggered towards Ronnie's full length mirror and gasped, yet again, at the reflection staring back at him.
For, as he watched, his fringe began to grow, and grow, and grow, until it fully covered one side of his face. Glasses appeared before his perfectly un-myopia-ed eyes and piercings sprung up over his face like weeds after rain. Eyeliner and mascara applied itself in thick lines and his skin grew even whiter than his natural British paleness. A tingling sensation in his hands encouraged him to look down, just in time to see his nails paint themselves black and his jeans become both tighter and darker than before. His shoes stretched themselves into faded gym boots. His t-shirt tightened and suddenly displayed lyrics from Behind Crimson Eyes.
Harry stood up shakily.
"Nobody gets me," he whispered tearfully.
Colin flicked his fringe.
"Me neither," he said quietly, staring deep into Harry's Killing Curse coloured eyes, "wanna, like, go out and stuff?"
Harry nodded.
"Like, yeah," he replied.
And as they shared their first kiss, only one thought was running through both of their heads; … I've so got to blog about this on MySpace …
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE DUMPING ME FOR COLIN CREEVEY?!"
Harry sighed and shook his head sadly.
"You don't get me," he said.
Draco fumed.
"This had better be a joke," he hissed.
Harry flicked his fringe.
"Later," he said nonchalantly, and slumped out of the Great Hall, clutching Colin's hand.
Draco screamed in fury and threw his plate of liver and eggs at the wall.
The first years whimpered and hid under the table.
"I'll get Harry back if it's the last thing I do!" Draco screamed, and promptly stomped out of the room.
Silence filled the Hall. Not even Professor Black felt like dropping a pin.
Ronnie skipped into the Hall, happily whistling "A Troll Ate My Brother, But I Don't Care".
"So," she said brightly, "what'd I miss?"
Draco scowled as he watched Colin and Harry walk through the rain together from where he sat in the Astronomy Tower.
"It's been nearly a month!" he ranted. "And I still haven't gotten Harry back!"
Ronnie nodded sympathetically.
"He's not being very easy to talk to," she added.
Draco threw his hands into the air.
"He just calls me a prep and turns up his i-pod! And Malfoys' are not preps!"
"Hmmm," said Rachel Grey, from where she was leaning up against the cold stone wall, "have you tried blackmail?"
Draco scowled even harder.
"He apparently doesn't care for material possessions."
"What about Mr Sunshine Bear?" asked Ronnie.
Draco hung his head.
"He said that he didn't want a soft toy as conforming as Sunshine Bear. He brought an Emily the Strange cat instead."
Ronnie gasped.
"Tell me it isn't true!"
Rachel shook her head slowly.
"Well, I'm out of ideas."
Draco sighed.
"If only there was a way to make Harry remember just how good life without eyeliner was," he said.
Ronnie nodded.
"Well," said Rachel, "let's go sit around and hope he snaps out of it."
Harry sighed into his porridge.
"What's wrong, my little angel of death?" mumbled Colin, reapplying his eyeliner.
"I just feel so unworthy," sighed Harry, "I mean, my life sucks. My family used to hate me. But now they don't! Why don't they hate me?"
Colin nodded.
"Totally,"
Harry took a deep breath and continued.
"And my Godfather is alive again! Nobody rejects me because of my sexuality! My grades are good! My friends spend time with me and don't make me feel like any sort of wheel! I have a Godfather who loves me and tells me how to make fireworks! My father was bitter and twisted, but now he just loves me, and tells me so several times a day! I'm rich enough to retire tomorrow! I have a car that I didn't have to pay for! I get so much sex I put lions to shame! I'm overly powerful and I'm also bloody good looking!"
He buried his head in his hands and moaned.
"Nobody is even trying to kill me! OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"
Colin smoothed his fringe and shook his head.
"I dunno. You've always got that 'saving people' thing. And you're, like, hero-ish and stuff, sometimes."
Harry sighed, but whatever he was about to say was cut off by the doors to the Great Hall flying open to admit a large group of Aurours, lead by a triumphant looking Neville/Alex.
"Arrest that man!" he cried gleefully, pointing dramatically at Count Olaf.
Before the Aurours could even move, the Professor leapt onto the table, his robes billowing around his ankles.
Harry caught a quick glimpse of an eye-shaped tattoo.
"You'll never catch me!" cried Olaf, pulling a blue toothbrush from his pocket.
"To the Man-"
"ACCIO!" cried the Aurours, and the portkey was wrenched from Olaf's grasp.
"Detainimus!" shouted Neville/Alex, and Olaf was instantly handcuffed.
"HOORAH!" cried Klaus Beaudalaire from over at the Ravenclaw table. "Neville's saved the day!"
"HOORAH!" cried the Ravenclaws.
"PARTAY!" whooped Professor Dumbledore.
Harry brought his fists down on the table with a loud bang!
"THAT'S IT!" he screamed. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M JOINING THE DARK SIDE!"
The occupants of the Great Hall gasped in shock.
"Can I come?" asked Colin.
"NO!" screamed Harry. "YOU DON'T GET ME!"
The dark-haired boy rose and began walking towards the doors.
"Harry – no!" cried Draco desperately.
But Harry simply rolled his eyes as he stomped out of sight.
The Great Hall was filled with silence.
"Terminator" said River Tam, wisely, "yes, yes, yes."
Draco sat on his bed, sobbing loudly.
"There, there," said Rachel Grey, rather awkwardly.
"We've still got time!" added Ronnie, a touch desperately. "Harry wouldn't leave without updating his blogs!"
Rachel nodded.
"She's right," she said, "and he's got about fifteen."
Draco suddenly stopped wailing.
"That's it!" he said, snapping his fingers excitedly. "We'll have a fashion show!"
"That was a quick change of subject," muttered Ronnie.
"How's that going to help?" asked Rachel sceptically.
Draco smirked.
"It'll make Harry realise just what he's missing out on."
Harry sighed as he finished updating his very last blog.
"Time to be, like, dark and evil and stuff," he muttered, flicking his fringe so that it covered even more of his face.
He hoisted his badge encrusted messenger bag onto his shoulder and made his way towards the stairs.
As he descended from Gryffindor tower, a large sign caught his eye.
"EMO EXPO!" proclaimed the sign. "On the old Quidditch Pitch – RIGHT NOW!"
Harry shrugged.
"The Dark Side can, like, wait a little bit," he said, and slouched off to the old Quidditch Pitch.
"Here he comes!" whispered Ronnie excitedly. "All stations go!"
Draco nodded sharply and ran a hand through his hand nervously.
"This better work," he thought.
Harry walked onto the pitch and felt his jaw drop. For there, in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch was a huge pink catwalk, illuminated by purple spotlights and covered in a thick layer of glitter. Strobe lights were flashing, music was pounding, and Draco Malfoy was sashaying down the stage in all his glory.
Harry brushed his fringe off his face and continued staring. With both his eyes now unobstructed by hair, he noticed a small piece of text written on Draco's left thigh.
"There's a reason why they call conformists 'yes-men',"
Harry swallowed heavily.
"I wanna be a conformist," he whispered.
And, just like that, Harry began to change. His fringe shrunk, his clothes enlarged, his eyeliner dissolved as if wiped off by a giant invisible cleansing wipe, and – most telling of all – Harry smiled.
Draco leapt off the stage into Harry's arms.
"Oh, Harry!" he gushed. "I thought I'd lost you!"
Harry grinned.
"You know I could never turn down a naked albino!"
Draco scowled.
"That's it," he said, "Sunshine Bear dies tonight."
"Noooo!" cried Harry. "They told you?"
"Oh yes," nodded Draco, "but I figure if I tell you about my My Little Pony collection, we'll be square."
Harry sighed happily.
"It's hip to be square," he said wisely.
"So," said Draco, "wanna rut like rabbits?"
"I'm gonna go over there now," said Ronnie, as Harry nodded eagerly.
Rachel produced a video camera from her robe pocket.
"This is gonna rock," she muttered, "move over Starrose!"
"It's so good to have you back!" said Ronnie as she stuffed her mouth with pancakes. "Ip wabnt das am wibop oo."
"Thanks, Ronnie," replied Harry cheerfully, "pity I can't remember anything about my time as an emo."
Draco shuddered.
"Count yourself lucky," he grumbled, "I'm never going to get the image of you and Creevy kissing out of my head."
Rachel smirked.
"It surely couldn't have been worse than that time Crabbe and Goyle experimented with nudism,"
Ronnie mimed vomiting.
Draco winced.
"I had almost repressed that," he whined.
Rachel helped herself to more toast.
"So sorry,"