Chapter Twenty-Two

Dumbledore rose and cleared his throat loudly.

"Today," he announced, "in celebration of a new month, I'm cancelling all classes in favour of an impromptu Hogsmeade Visit!"

"HURRAH!" cried the students, and most of the teachers.

"OMG," squealed Draco, "SHOPPING SPREE!"

"Spree?" said Harry in confusion.

Draco rolled his eyes and huffed.

"We're gay, Harry," he said pityingly, "it's what we do."

"Oh," said Harry, "right."

"Ooooo, I love that peach and taupe coloured tunic!" gushed Draco as he flicked through hangers upon hangers of clothing.

Harry held up a shirt and twirled happily.

"Don't you just adore the magenta trimming on this?"

"Oh, I do! It'll look just super with your Avada Kedavera Green Eyes™!"

Harry blushed.

"You're so sweet," he muttered.

Draco winked.

"And don't I know it."

"Found anything you like?" asked the shop assistant, fiddling with her chin stud.

Harry nodded.

"I'll take that tunic, this shirt, those dragon-skin trousers, that gorgeous caramel cashmere jumper, two of those silk shirts; one of the turquoises, and one of the mauve … hmmm … and that velvet jacket also,"

"Right," said the girl, "anything else?"

Draco nodded.

"Give us six of those black t-shirts with the witty comments, Brittney," he said, simultaneously gesturing to the aforementioned garments and squinting at the shop assistance's name badge.

"Cool," said Brittney, "and because you brought so much stuff, you get two free pieces of jewellery from our collection on the far wall."

"Fab!" squealed Draco, bounding over towards the display.

Harry followed as Brittney began adding up their purchases.

Draco squeaked happily as he held up a thin silver necklace.

"I'm getting this!" he said. "See, Harry? It's got a sweet little lion on it that reminds me of you …"

Harry smiled and held up another necklace.

"And I'm getting this one," he said, "because the dragon on it reminds me of you!"

The lovers looked deeply into each other's eyes, feeling like nothing could possibly distract them from each other.

"That comes to 47 Galleons," said Brittney.

"What?" said the boys in unison.

"I liked her chin stud," said Harry as he and Draco made their way down the street, carrying several bags, "I think I might get a piercing."

"That could be ok," said Draco pensively, "but not in your chin, it'll ruin your lovely teeth."

Harry nodded.

"How about in my eyebrow?"

Draco nodded firmly.

"Yes," he said, "that would be fine; I might even get one done, but in my ear."

"Wouldn't that look a bit girly?" asked Harry, screwing up his nose.

"I'd get that little bit of skin over my ear hole done," reassured Draco, "not my earlobe or anything."

"That'd be alright then," said Harry, "shall we go now?"

"Yes," said Draco, "let's go in to that salon just there, and then we can get our hair done as well!"

Harry grinned.

"Need to touch up your roots, love?"

Draco scowled and pushed him into a wall.

"Malfoys," he said snottily, "do not dye their hair."

And, with that, he strutted into the salon.

"You look great," breathed Draco, as he took in Harry's appearance.

Dressed in his new figure hugging trousers and mauve shirt and with a new haircut that incredibly fixed any and all faults his hair may have had, Harry looked very impressive.

"Thanks," grinned Harry, as he turned up his cuffs, "do you like my highlights?"

"They look gorgeous," said Draco happily, "I knew coming here was a good idea!"

Harry nodded.

"One last thing though," he said, as he admired both his eyebrow ring and the stud at the tip of his left ear in a conveniently placed mirror, "I wanna get a tattoo … you know, be an anti-hero, kinda thing."

Draco gasped with pleasure.

"Oooo! Of what?"

Harry paused.

"A fortune cookie," he finally announced.

"Ok," said Draco, raising his eyebrow, "why?"

"Because I like them," said Harry simply.

"Alright," replied Draco, "shall we?"

"Gosh," said Ronnie, "can you believe it's only twenty-three days until Christmas?"

Rachel Grey swallowed her vegemite slathered toast heavily.

"It is?" she said, sounding panicked. "I haven't even started on Severus' present yet!"

Harry looked at her strangely.

"You're getting a present for my dad?" he asked.

Rachel fidgeted with her napkin.

"Ummm … yeah?"

Harry nodded cheerfully.

"Alright," he said, and continued drowning his pancakes in syrup, oblivious to the lustful looks many members of the Great Hall were currently throwing him.

"What are you going to get him?" asked Draco angrily, who wasn't oblivious.

"I was thinking about going into the Forest and searching for some Mooncalf dung," said Rachel, "but I'll only be able to collect it on the night of the full moon, as the Forest is much too big for me to cover in one night, so I might just have to get him something else instead …"

"Nonsense!" proclaimed Ronnie. "We'll help you! As long as don't go anywhere near the Accomantulas …"

The rest of the group nodded firmly.

"Agreed," they chorused.

"Great!" said Ronnie. "it's settled; we'll go on the very next full moon!"

"When is that anyway?" asked Harry.

Rachel checked her watch.

"Tonight," she replied.

"Super," said Ronnie, but anything else she may have wanted to say was cut off by Headmaster Dumbledore.

"Announcement!" he proclaimed joyously. "As Professor Olaf is no longer a free citizen, we need a new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor!"

He gave a Level Three eye twinkle.

"Any volunteers?"

Severus Snape's hand flew up into the air.

"Me! Me!" he said breathlessly. "I'll do it!"

Dumbledore upped his eye twinkle another level.

"Ha! December Fool! I've already hired somebody!"

Severus scowled and reached for his wand.

"Awww, now, honey, you don't wanna be goin' 'n doin' that," said Hermione, "have some of y'all happy juice instead."

Severus obediently took the offered liquid and quickly drank it.

His face immediately brightened.

"Puppies are so cute!" he said happily.

Hermione beamed.

"Well, now, that's just grand! Let's adopt Sparkles!"

She plonked the tiny dog onto the table and, with a quick wave of her wand, replace the name of crapwawa's recently deceased owner with her own.

"I'm your new mommy!" she cooed.

The dog began to shake.

"Moving on!" said Professor Dumbledore, over Sparkle's whimpers and Snape's cheerful humming. "Our new DADA professor is … Mr Ian Rider!"

Applause filled the Great Hall as Professor Ian Rider strode up to the Staff Table. Alex/Neville whooped loudly, having survived his earlier jump to freedom with only a few scratches.

"Sadly," continued Professor Dumbledore, "we've been unsuccessful in our attempts to secure another Sexual Education Professor."

"HUZZAH!" cried the students.

Dumbledore waiting for silence, and then continued as if he hadn't even been interrupted in the first place.

"So, instead," he said, "we've duplicated a Muggle pamphlet that I confiscated from a Mr Tom Riddle about fifty-four years ago. Enjoy!"

With a quiet pop! A dull looking pamphlet appeared in front of each student.

"Why Sex is a Sin," read Harry aloud.

"Oh, no!" cried Draco, reading the first page, "I'm going blind! And hairy!"

"What?" asked Ronnie, who had ignored her pamphlet in favour of third helpings.

"It says here that if I touch my little dragon again it'll fall off!"

Draco looked at his hands in horror.

Dumbledore beamed as he ate his muesli, seemingly oblivious to the rising terror in the student body.

"What a cracking idea this was," he thought.

"For the last time Draco – sex is not a sin!"

Draco whimpered and crossed himself.

"The pamphlet said it was!" he protested. "You should all do this crossy thing too so that you don't all go to Hell!
Rachel Grey groaned and buried her head in her hands.

"I'm never going to get Severus' dung," she wailed.

"That sounded gross," said Ronnie, who was busy playing chess against herself, "let's just go without him."

"No!" said Harry. "I'm not leaving Draco here and brainwashed all by himself!"

"And we can't search the whole forest with just two people!" moaned Rachel.

"Come one, Draco," coaxed Harry, softly laying a hand on his thigh.

Draco shrieked and slapped his boyfriend's hand away.

"SIN!" he screeched, and rushed from the room.

"So," asked Louise Frost as she walked into the Common Room, followed closely by Fred and George Weasley, "what'd we miss?"

"Gosh," said Ronnie as the group of teens walked down the lawns towards the Friendly Forest, "it was lucky that Louise had a copy of The DaVinci Code in her pocket."

Harry nodded happily.

"Yup, and now Draco's back to being the sex loving heathen he always was," he said.

"And judging by the way he's carrying on about Mary Magdalene, he's never going to believe in religion again!"

"Great, isn't it?" beamed Louise.

"Now," said Fred, "how about we –"

"- go sacrifice a white goat!" concluded George.

Rachel shook her head.

"No sacrificing tonight, boys," she said, "just good ol' fashioned shit collecting."

"Did you know Elvis was actually Jesus in drag?" asked Draco.

A/N: To Whom It May Concern,

It has come to our attention that ten reviews were recived for Chapter Twenty. In response to this stellar achievement, two new chapters have been delievered for your enjoyment. The next installments shall be uploaded once another ten reviews have been submitted.

Thankyou for your time,

Yours,

TLLL

Postscript: We shall soon be invading Albania. A request was also made to avoid invasions of Australia; however, there is nothing to fear here, as it is of limited enjoyment to invade a country that one already lives in. But, forays into politics may be made - if only to achieve the aim of throwing pie in parliment house. Good day.