A/N: Dear Readers,
TADA! Ten new chapters for your literary enjoyment!
Tell me I'm not wonderful.
- TLLL
Chapter Twenty-Three
"Right," said Rachel Grey, clasping her hands in front of her, "we'll split up into groups of two-"
George cleared his throat loudly.
"- or three," continued Rachel, rolling her eyes.
"I bags Draco!" said Harry quickly.
"Oh no you don't," replied Ronnie forcefully, "you two wouldn't notice Mooncalf dung if it sung Shakespeare's complete works to the tune of 'Like A Virgin'."
Harry pouted.
"I resent the implication that my thoughts are constantly and unequivocally occupied with the instigation and/or receival of coitus, thus resulting in general ignorance in regards to the surrounding at any and all unspecified periods of time," he replied.
Ronnie blinked.
Louise beamed.
"Hear that? My intelligence amplifying charm seems to be working wonderfully!"
Harry nodded.
"Indeed," he said, "it does seem as though my vocabulary and command over the English language has increasing exponentially."
Fred whimpered.
"Make it stop-" he whispered.
"-it sounds like Percy," concluded George, shivering dramatically.
"May I enquire as to what you are implying?" frowned Harry.
"Eeeep!" cried the Weasley twins.
Rachel grabbed Harry's arm.
"Come on, Albert, we've got anal excretions to find."
"Look!" whispered Ronnie excitedly. "Mooncalves!"
"Wow …" whispered Draco reverently. "It's so beautiful …"
"Oh!" squeaked Ronnie. "They're going to dance!"
Draco held his breath in awe as he entertained the possibilities of the gracefulness and elegance of the upcoming dance.
"Let's get this party started!" announced one calf, pressing a large red button with her hoof.
Immediately the clearing was filled with a pounding bass beat, and the calves waved their hoofs in the air as they, presumedly, did not care.
"Oh dear," said Ronnie, as she watched the Mooncalves blow large whistles in time to the music, "we've stumbled in on a rave."
Draco nodded.
"No wonder this has never been reported," he said, "Scamander probably though he was hallucinating …"
"Can we get a whoop whoop?!"
"WHOOP WHOOP!" chorused the Mooncalves.
"I think the possibility of simply indivertibly stumbling across a herd of Mooncalves would be inverse to the amount of noise currently being produced," announced Harry.
"Shut it, you," grumbled Rachel, "how was I meant to know that there was a hole there?"
Harry rolled his eyes and sighed in a long-suffering manner.
But, before he could explain how to locate holes, without falling in them, a bright-blue telephone box-like thing appeared before them, spinning extraordinarily quickly.
Rachel and Harry watched with curiously as the spinning slowed, and a man emerged from the machine.
"Hello," he said, rasing a hand in greeting.
"Hello," said Rachel, "who're you?"
"I'm the Doctor," said the man, straightening his jacket.
"Doctor who?" asked Rachel.
"Exactly!" grinned their visitor.
Suddenly, Harry caught a glimpse of the man's face in an errant beam of moonlight.
He gasped loudly, and the Intelligence Amplifying Charm was cancelled by his shock.
"OMG!" he cried. "It's Barty Crouch Junior!"
"Not cool!" yelled Rachel.
"No, wait, really," pleaded the man desperately, "I can explain!"
"I'm sure," retorted Harry, and, with a quick flick o his wand, Barty Crouch Junior was bound tightly in thin black cords.
"Do you think Severus would like a captured Death Eater for Christmas?" mused Rachel.
Harry shrugged.
"We should bring him up to the castle anyway,"
Rachel nodded, and cast a quick levitation charm.
"Come along," she said to the currently floating prisoner.
And, with that, they made their way back to Hogwarts.
Louise re-did her shirt buttons.
"We probably should try to find those Mooncalves now," she said.
Fred nodded as he tried to straighten up his hair.
"Has anyone seen my shoe?" asked George.
"Accio George's lost shoe," said Louise, and deftly caught the offending object as it flew towards her.
"Cheers," said George.
"Come on," said Fred, "let's go."
"How long do you think-"
"-we've been walking for?"
Louise looked at her watch.
"About half an hour," she replied.
"This is so boring," said George.
"Shh!" said Fred. "Did you hear that?"
Louise shrugged. "It's probably just the Lupin-Blacks."
Fred looked unconvinced.
"I heard somebody yelling," he said.
George and Louise strained their ears.
"I think I heard it," said George, "but what are they saying?"
"Rib bags?"
"Nib sags?"
"Bib lags?"
"There's only one way to find out," said Louise finally, with an excited glint in her eye.
Fred and George grinned at each other.
"Let's go!"
"I think that guy has two heads," whispered George.
"Awesome," breathed Fred.
Louise peaked out from being the tree stump the three teens were currently crouching behind.
"And I think he's actually saying Tibzag," she whispered.
Suddenly, one of the men accompanying the two-headed man spotted them and gave a shout.
"Greetings!" he said loudly. "Have you by any chance seen Tibzag?"
"I don't think so," said Louise, as she and the twins emerged from their hiding place, "could you describe it?"
But her question was ignored as the two-headed man noticed Fred and George.
"Incredible!" he yelled. "This fellow has two bodies! Incredible!"
"We're actually twins," said George, as Fred crossed his arms grumpily.
"Pleasure to meet you Twins, my good man!" shouted the man with two heads. "I'm Zaphod! President of the Universe!"
Louise rolled her eyes and turned to the miserable looking man in a dressing gown who had yet to speak.
"I'm Louise Frost," she said, extending her hand.
"Arthur Dent," replied the man, shaking the aforementioned limb, "I don't perhaps that you have tea on this planet?"
"Certainly," said Louise, flicking her wand, "is Earl Grey ok?"
Arthur nodded hopefully.
"There you go," said Louise, handing over the recently conjured cup of tea.
Arthur took a tentative sip.
"Oh," he sighed happily, "tea!"
Louise nodded.
"Yes," she said, "now may I ask what you are all searching for?'
"Zaphod's dog," replied Arthur, in between sips of tea.
"And the dog was lost in this forest?" enquired Louise.
"Not sure about that, actually," injected the tall black man who had greeted them earlier, "this is just where the Improbability Drive took us."
Louise nodded.
"I see," she said, "could you tell us what the dog looks like?"
"Perfectly normal," shrugged the man, "black, about seven foot when fully grown, three heads …"
"Three heads?" echoed Fred.
"Yes," nodded the man.
"Falls asleep when music is played?" asked George.
"Indeed!" boomed Zaphod.
"Ronnie knew a dog like that, back when she was a boy!" said Fred.
"But it was called Fluffy," added George.
"Shall we have a look at it anyway?" suggested Louise.
"Why not?" shrugged the man.
"Let's go."
"The Room of Requirement?" asked Ford Prefect, for, of course, that was the name of the man mentioned earlier. "I've never heard of one of those before."
"Not many people have," said George, "but they're-"
"-incredibly useful," concluded Fred.
"Well put, Twins!" roared Zaphod.
Arthur Dent sighed happily as he sipped his third cup of tea.
"Here we are," said Louise, as the group came across the required tapestry.
"Lovely," said Ford, leaning in to examine the embroidered trolls.
Meanwhile, Fred and George were pacing, and a door shimmered into view.
"Bi-heads first," said Louise, motioning towards the door.
Zaphod strode forward, gripped the handle firmly, and flung open the door.
"Tibzag!" he yelled happily as the large animal covered his faces in joyful licks.
"Well," said Ford, who was wearing a faded blue towel as a turban, "that's done. Come on, Dent, back to the ship!"
"I think I might stay on this planet, actually," replied Arthur, "they've got lovely tea."
"Alright," said Ford, patting his friend on the shoulder, "just remember all that I've taught you, and you should be able to survive a couple of days, at least."
Arthur nodded.
"Good luck, Ford," he replied.
"Pleasure to meet you all," said Ford, bowing towards Fred, George and Louise.
And, straightening his towel-turban, he stepped into the room with Zaphod and Tibzag.
"To the ship!" he cried.
There was a flash of bright light, and they were gone.
"Well," said Louise.
"This has been-" added Fred.
"- a very strange evening," finished George.
Arthur Dent nodded.
"Any chance of another cup?" he asked hopefully.
Louise flicked her wands and watched Arthur's cup re-fill.
"What are we going to do with him?" whispered George.
"My thoughts exactly," muttered Louise.
Fred yawned.
"Let's leave it til morning," he said.
The group nodded in agreement.
"You can sleep in the Common Room," suggested George to Arthur.
"And then maybe in the morning we can see about getting you a more permanent residence," said Louise.
Arthur nodded.
"Let's go," said Fred.