Disclaimer: I do not own Paige Matthews, she is a product of Brad Kern and Aaron Spelling. Nor do I own the Supernatural 'verse, they're Mr. Kripke. I just enjoy playing with them in the non-naughty sense of the word. The small poem-ish thing is mine

A/N: The following 3-5 chapters will be based on John's Journal entries (the earliest ones). The entries can be found on the site Winchester Journals, or on Wikipedia.

AA/N::Bold:; //Italics//

If you could look into my Journal and read the fear and the tears

Would you able to be able to comprehend that a part of me dies, with each stroke.

I try to be faithful and keep remembrance of times past, day by year.

Could you read past the sunny words and discern the lies?

If you tried, should you try would you read past the words and into the pain

Pain that numbs, brings shadows and no hope. Pain that leaves me broke

like a beggar without a pencil who only has feelings.

If you tried to see into me and see my heart cry.

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November 26, 1983

Paige stood in the corner, peeking out from the door way, listening to a conversation that she wasn't supposed to be listening to. The police had come to talk to her daddy about what had happened to the house, what had happened to mama, and daddy had told her to go play with Deano and Sammy. But Paige really didn't want to. Her brothers were fast asleep wrapped around each other and for the life of her Paige wouldn't have been able to join them off to dreamland if she wanted to. Uncle Mike and Aunt Katie had offered to take her out and buy her some ice cream. She had vehemently refused. She wasn't going to leave her daddy or her brothers alone for a second. No matter what any one said, she wasn't going to leave any of her family alone for a single second. After all she had left mommy alone and looked what had happened.

Sliding down on the floor Paige wrapped her arms around the only thing of hers that hadn't went up in flames. It was a baby blue blanket that had this funny dark blue symbol on it and it had been hers for as long as she could remember, it hadn't gotten destroyed because she had left it at Aunt Vickie's house. Her mama's friend had been nice enough to bring it over to Uncle Mike's house. In the back of her mind, Paige didn't think it was fair that any of her things survived while everyone else's stuff was gone forever. She didn't think she deserved it. Just like she didn't think that the police should be asking her daddy questions that they should be asking her. She was the last one who had been with mommy. She was the one who had left mommy even though she knew, she had sensed that something was wrong. She had seen the blood on Sammy. She had seen the nasty shadow. She had seen it all. Of course she didn't say that. She didn't want them to take her away for letting her mama die. She was such a chicken but she didn't want to be away from her brothers or her daddy. She didn't want them to stop loving her. Because she was pretty sure that daddy wouldn't forgive her. The way he cried at night when he didn't think any one knew, the way he seemed to walk around like he was dead. The man that walked around wasn't really her daddy anymore, well he was, but it was like the shadow had not only burned down her house and killed her mommy but had taken her daddy's spirit too. He didn't smile at all anymore. And that was her fault. She knew she should say something, say something to get those stupid police people to stop asking questions that made it seem as if it was her daddy's fault. Daddy didn't do anything but love mommy. Daddy hadn't been the one to leave her, he hadn't been the one who had been scared, he hadn't been the chicken. However, she couldn't say any of that. She wouldn't.

So, she stayed and listened to what they asked her father and would only make herself known when they asked the wrong questions. That had only happened four times before. Daddy didn't like her hanging around when they asked him those stupid questions but it was all she could do. She had promised herself, and mommy//that ::night::// that she wouldn't let any more harm come to her family and she was going to keep that promise. Besides it wasn't as if she could get any sleep.

Paige had been so intent on listening to the conversation that was happening in the kitchen that she didn't hear the footsteps of the approaching police officer. It was all she could do not to scream when the man put his hand on her, but she managed it by biting down hard on the side of her cheek.

Realizing that he startled her the young officer placed a friendly smile on his face, however, the pallid and severely frowning little girl wasn't having any of it. She watched him with bloodshot hazel eyes, the way a weary prey would watch a new creature, weighing if it was friend or foe. The young man couldn't help the pang in his heart at the deep sorrow and wariness in her wide, pretty eyes. It was such a shame what things like this did to children. It seemed to him as if the innocence in the child had wafted away with the smoke of the now charred house. "Shouldn't you be up in bed right now?" He asked making sure that his voice was soft.

The child, Paige he remembered the sheriff saying, continued to frown at him. Holding his hand out to her, trying to make his smile more appealing and caring, "Come on, I'll walk you to your bedroom." It was as if she expected him to attack her she tried to sink into the wall behind her. "Or, we could stay right here and listen in. Don't think your papa would like you to be listening in though. It'd make him ..."He tried to think of something to say that wouldn't upset the child or belittle her but would make an impact. "I think he'd rather you play guardian for your brothers than him. Okay?"

She seemed to consider what he said before nodding slowly. Standing up with her back still firmly against the wall, Paige held her blanket tightly against her. Her eyes still wary. Knowing better than to offer his hand to her again he stepped back to let her go through. Moving quickly away from him and the wall she turned to face him with that frown that was way too severe for a six year-old, and a look of distaste and distrust clear across her tired little face. "Daddy didn't do it." She informed him angrily.

"I'm sure ... of course he ...Umm." The young officer sighed, everything he wanted to say sounded so trite. Passing a hand through his hair he sighed again. "Your daddy seems to have loved your mommy a lot but it's something that we have to do honey. It's our jobs. We don't want to ask any more than you want to listen to us ask." He assured her, hoping that he didn't sound very confusing. However, when he nodded it seemed that she understood him.

"You know the faster you ask the faster you leave." She informed him, her tone helpful if not forgiving.

He cracked a smile. "I'll be sure to tell my boss that."

"Good." With one fierce glare in his direction, she bounded up the steps as quickly as her little legs would allow her.

The officer watched her go up the stairs and listened for the sound of a bedroom door opening and closing.

He couldn't but think, with a slightly wider smile, that that little girl was going to give hell when she was older.

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John also watched his daughter go up the stairs, unknowingly thinking thoughts similar to her.

He wondered if she hated him for not being able to save her mother. He wondered if he could protect her, if he was alive enough to be her father to give herself and her brothers what they needed. He wondered if she still loved him and saw him as her daddy.

He thought of the brave little girl and her equally brave brother that had ran out a burning house holding onto their infant youngest brother. And he was proud.

Yet he couldn't help but wonder if he was strong enough to protect them from the world on his own.