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-There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
Bridge:
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Chorus-
Crawling By: Linkin Park
-Chapter 15-
-Three days later...-
-Watari's point of view-
Hello everyone! I get my own section! Yea!!!!!
Now then I know you all want to know what's been happening over the past three days so I'll fill you in!
Tsuzuki and the kid have been inseparable. I think it may have to do with that doctor. Damn bastard! Tsuzuki filled me in so I can see why the boy was so afraid. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for them- one minute they're fine, the next they're crying. I can't do anything to help them either, and I've tried.
Tatsumi didn't just have me stay so I wouldn't blow anything up- I'm pretty good at reading others and helping them, but I'm at a loss. The only one that can help the kid is Tsuzuki and that's pretty obvious.
Now then... I suppose I must mention the other reason I'm here... I'm supposed to figure out how attached Tsuzuki is to Hisoka. It's more for Tatsumi and me, but we really just want to know how far Tsuzuki is into this. And to be honest I think I know...
Tsuzuki loves Hisoka.
I'm not sure what kind for love, but it seems to be brotherly. I don't think Tsuzuki feels anything romantically, but it could become that after a while... I don't know. This is where the problem lies. Angels aren't supposed to get that attached to their charges, it's a rule that we're suppose to follow. Granted many of us break it, but Tsuzuki...
Tsuzuki is special.
When he cares about someone he will do everything he can for that person. I've seen it before and I'm not excited about a repeat, but it's just who Tsuzuki is. Yet, I can't say that I don't do the same thing... It's hard not to get attached, but then again most of the time we're not allowed to interact with our charges, or to this extent.
I wonder why the higher ups wanted Tsuzuki to interact with Hisoka like this. They can be such assholes, Honestly! They all know how Tsuzuki is and what do they do? They force him to get close someone just so they can rip them apart. It's sick! It makes me hate them even more.
Over the past three days I don't think I've seen Tsuzuki cry so much. Whenever Hisoka sleeps, Tsuzuki cries. He cries and cries until he too falls asleep, and there's nothing I can do to help. I reported back to Tatsumi one night about what I've seen and he's as worried as I am. How are we going to be able to help Tsuzuki after this? I don't know and I'm not eager to find out.
Tatsumi has been run ragged trying to find some way to help Tsuzuki- trying to let him see Hisoka again, or to do something, change the future, but nothing.
Destiny is destiny. Fate is fate.
I hate it all! But I can't let them see anything that I feel. They have enough problems to face so or now...
I'll put on my smile and hope.
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-Tsuzuki's point of view-
I hate this!
I hate all of this!!!!
Why? Why the hell does this have to happen? Is there no chance for happiness in Hisoka's life, in my life? I want Hisoka to be happy so badly, but how can anyone be happy when they have a future like his. I can't do anything! I can't even protect a kid?
Granted it's from fate but still.
Who really is in control of one's fate? Are we as we think? Apparently not... But we should. It should what he do, our choices that decide our fate. This is wrong, all wrong, but that doesn't change anything. Hisoka's future is still going to happen no matter what I say or think. It may be wrong and terrible but that's just the way things are...
I hate this.
But I have to be strong for Hisoka. Hisoka needs me to be strong, someone for him to lean on now, but how can I be that person when I want to cry as much as him? I have to be. I want to be that person. I might not have told him that I won't be coming back, but I think he may already know. I don't want to break my promise but I don't have a say in the matter and it sucks.
Hisoka has turned inward again; he keeps going back and forth. I think it may be because his future is that much more tangible now. IT'S REAL. And he's afraid, so very afraid. He doesn't say anything but I can see it in his eyes and I can't blame him. I'm not sure how I would be if I was in his position.
But Hisoka is strong and I must believe that he will make it through this...without me... It's that how this is all going to end? He'll be alone again and so will I? Wasn't I the same as him? A demon during my life? Damned? But what did I ever do? What did Hisoka ever do? What have we done to deserve these lives?
Nothing.
He has done nothing. I have but he has not, but that doesn't change anything. No. All I can do is hope that some good will come out of this. I doubt it but for now...
I'll put on my smile and hope.
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-Hisoka's point of view-
I hate my life!
And no. I'm not your average teen with some social problems. So sorry but my life is a little more screwed up then that.
For example... Three days ago I met my soon to be murderer and rapist. Lovely I know. So before you all start judging me you may want to heat me out.
You listening? Good.
I hate me life!
I finally thought that maybe things were going well for a change when a certain angel appeared in my life. I thought that maybe something good was going to happen to me...
Wrong!
Honestly when has anything good ever happened to me without a thousand catches. Good thing one: And angel appears and wants to help me and is kind to me. Catch one: He's here to ensure one hell of a future for me. That's just the way life is for me- sucks right?
But you know... At least I'm not alone right now. Tsuzuki and yes Watari are here. I'm not sure when I got attached to them, especially Tsuzuki but now... I don't want them to leave. But I'm suppose to be strong, to not rely on anyone else, but I do. I almost need them to be here- to show me that I'm worth something. I know that seems wrong but it's the truth.
This is the first time I've ever had people care without asking for something in return. Watari is easy to read and Tsuzuki... he's harder but I know. When he thinks I'm asleep and he drops his guard a little I can feel him. I can feel all the affection he has for me along with all of his pain.
I'm not sure why he hurts so much. It's the kind of pain that's been existing for years, so it's not just me. I wonder why he hurts. I can't just ask him about it... that would be strange, but then again I only have five days left with him.
Yes. I know the truth Tsuzuki- that you're not allowed to come back. I know.
I should probably try to distance myself from you and close back up, but I can't. You've made it Tsuzuki. You've made it past my walls and now I can't make you leave. Damn it! Why did you have to get so close? Why did I let you get so close...that... I don't think I can be without you...
So now what do I do?
Now how am I supposed to live, to keep going once this warmth is gone? Then what do I do? I don't ... I don't want to be... without... Tsuzuki...
So what now?
I don't know but for now, and just for now,
I'll put on my smile and hope.
-End Chapter 15-
Sorry if you didn't like this chapter but I'm running low in ideas, but I know what I'm going to write for the others so never fear! Thanks for reading and please review!