Chapter Thirty-Two
"Well done, Harry, dear," twittered Aunt Petunia, "this singing daisy is lovely."
"Very impressive," boomed Uncle Vernon.
"You should have seen my first Herbology project," said Harry, "now that was impressive. Terrifying, but impressive."
Aunt Petunia smiled uncomprehendingly.
"We best go talk to your professors," she said.
Uncle Vernon nodded.
"Quite right, dear," he said, "Harry, could you point us in the right direction?"
"Sure," said Harry, "Professor Black and Professor Lupin are just over there."
"Ah, yes," nodded Uncle Vernon, "the queers. Come along, dear."
"Hey, Hazza," said Louise, appearing by Harry's left shoulder.
"Hey, Louise," replied Harry, "where are your parents?"
Louise shrugged.
"They couldn't come," she said.
"Oh," said Harry, "sorry."
"It's cool," said Louise, "at least I don't need to bother explaining to them why my Transfiguration Project ate Filch."
"Ah," said Harry, "…right."
"Harry, love!" called Molly Weasley, bustling over to the teens. "How are you, dear?"
"Great, thanks, Mrs Weasley," wheezed Harry, attempting to breathe through the tight hug he was currently trapped within.
"And, you, Louise!" said Mrs Weasley, rounding on the scared-looking girl. "How are you?"
"Good, thanks," squeaked Louise, submitting to a stifling hug.
"And can I be expecting any grand-children soon, dear?" asked Mrs Weasley.
Louise looked at her with wide eyes.
"Ahhhhh," she stalled, "… no …"
Molly patted her on the shoulder.
"That's ok, dear," she said, "I understand if you're having a little bit of trouble."
Louise seemed to have lost the power of speech.
"I've got a potions I can lend you though, love, so don't you worry," continued Mrs Weasley with a conspiratal wink.
Louise continued to stare uncomprehendingly at the redheaded woman.
"That'd be great," interjected Harry, "she's speechless with gratitude."
Louise regained the ability to glare.
Molly patted the girl on the cheek.
"I'll owl it to you, dear," she said mothering, and bustled off again.
"So," said Harry, "how do Fred and George feel about children?"
Louise glared at him angrily.
"Tell them and die," she hissed, and stomped off, pausing to drag Rachel Grey away from Professor Snape as she went.
Harry grinned.
'Draco's right,' he thought, 'being evil is fun!'
Ron checked the calendar as he ate breakfast.
"Can you believe we're already halfway through May?" he asked. "Nothing weird has happened for ages!"
Harry chewed his bacon thoughtfully.
"It is strange," he said.
"Harry's still getting anonymous gifts," said Draco, "that's a little weird."
"Yeah," said Ron, "but it's also kind of expected. I bet that the universe is just waiting to spring some weirdness on us."
Harry laughed.
"You're just paranoid," he said, "there's no reason why we can't just have a normal, boring end of term."
Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat.
"Guess what?" he beamed. "We're going to have a Mardi Gras!"
Ron nodded slowly.
"What did I tell you?" he said.
"Hey, Ron," whispered Seamus, "wanna come to the Mardi Gras with me?"
Ron calmly flicked his wand, and Seamus found that his skin was a fluorescent orange.
"Thankyou, Louise," said Ron, and continued eating his toast.
Harry looked thoughtful.
"Ron could be right …," he said.
Harry slowly pushed open the door to his father's quarters.
'Strange that he left it open,' he thought, 'it's almost as if he was in a really big hurry or something …'
"Dad?" he called aloud, as he entered the lounge room. "Dad are you – OH, GREAT MERLIN! Rachel! Are you fucking my dad?!"
Rachel sat up from where she had been leaning over the Potions Master and wiped her mouth.
"Umm," she said, "yes. That is absolutely correct. I was defiantly not sucking the blood from his neck, in any case."
Severus nodded and wiped his neck.
Harry winced and closed his eyes.
"Ron was right," he groaned, "the weirdness is back."
"We're going to get married," said Severus.
Harry nodded.
"Alright," he said, "when?"
"Two weeks time," said Rachel, "after the Mardi Gras."
Harry nodded again, his eyes still closed.
"Right," he said, "well, I'm going to go help Draco build a float, or something. Bye!"
Severus watched his son run blindly from the room.
"He handled that quite well,"
Rachel nodded.
"He's a bit clueless though, isn't he?"
"Hey guys!" called Sirius.
"Hey," replied Harry, "Oh, wow, Sirius! You're wearing pants!"
Sirius nodded.
"Yup," he said, "it's me and Remus' anniversary!"
"Pants are generally worn on the legs," said Draco.
"That's what Wolfy-babe said," replied Sirius, "but I think they fit much better around the headal area."
Harry nodded.
"Makes sense,"
"So," said Sirius, "what's your float going to be?"
"It's a Trojan Horse," said Draco proudly.
Harry pouted.
"But Draco says I'm not allowed to get naked around it,"
Sirius grinned.
"Too bad, Lady Godiver," he said, "maybe next time."
"Don't encourage him," replied Draco, "I found him in the Friendly Forest the other night, trying to attract Thestrals."
Harry grinned sheepishly as Sirius roared with laughter.
"I just wanted to see what it'd be like ..." he said.
Draco rolled his eyes.
"Ron was right," he muttered.
Louise gasped with pleasure as she entered the Great Hall on the night of the Mardi Gras.
"Oh!" she said, clapping her hands together in delight. "It's so glittery!"
Fred blinked and shielded his eyes with his hand.
"Sure is," said George.
"I feel kinda sorry for the straight boys though," said Louise, "poor Ron looks terrified."
Fred chuckled.
"So does that Artemis chap,"
The trip turned to watch Artemis duck behind a float, as Cedric Diggory rushed through the crowd after him.
"Good ol' Dumbledore knows the right things to make compulsory, doesn't he?" said George.
Suddenly, a loud whistle cut through the ambient noise filling the Hall.
"Oh, Lord," said Louise, covering her eyes.
"Great Merlin," blinked George, "Fred, did you put something in my drink?"
"Nope," replied Fred, "the Headmaster really is wearing a glittery silver thong and a matching feather boa."
"Butler!" shouted Artemis into his watch. "Get me out of here!"
The Weasley twins waved at the pale Irish boy as he vanished from view.
"Poor sod," said George.
"Just couldn't hack the weirdness," added Fred.
"Shhh!" hissed Louise. "The Parade is about the start!"
The crowd applauded enthusiastically as Draco and Harry's float entered the Hall.
"First up!" commentated Dumbledore. "Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy with their Trojan Horse!"
Suddenly, the Hall filled with thick, dark smoke.
"Help!" cried Seamus. "I can't see!"
The air filled with the panicked screams of the crowd.
"Don't worry!" yelled Dumbledore. "If we all huff and puff as hard as we can, we can blow this smoke down!"
Louise rolled her eyes, despite the fact that nobody could see her.
But then, without warning, the smoke cleared as quickly as it had appeared.
Dumbledore beamed.
"It worked!" he said happily.
"OMG!" screamed Lavender Brown, pointing to a tall figure standing in front of the Float Parade. "It's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"
"You-Know-Who?!" shrilled Parvati.
"OMG!" cried the students in unison.
"Um, hello," said Voldemort, "I just wanted to speak to Harry Potter."
Harry leaped off his float, and walked slowly towards the Dark Lord.
"This is it, then," he said, his bright red hot pants sparkling in the light, "the Final Battle™."
He drew his wand.
"Do your worse, Voldemort," he continued, "I've got more love in me than you can handle."
"I don't want to kill you, Harry," said Voldemort, raising his hands, "I just … I just … I wanted to know if you'd be my friend."
Harry lowered his wand in confusion.
"What?"
"Well," continued the Dark Lord, "I kept sending you letters and presents and things, but you never replied, so I thought I'd come and ask you in person."
"That was you?" asked Harry.
"Yes," said Voldemort, wringing his hands, "my psychologist says I need to make amends with my former enemies."
"You killed my mum and dad!" yelled Harry. "You think a car is going to make up for that?"
"I'm really sorry," said Voldemort, "I wish I could bring back all of the victims of my reign of terror …"
"You can!" interjected Louise. "Dead people are like Tinkerbell! They're only real if you believe in them!"
Voldemort blinked in surprise.
"Well," said Harry, "that made marginal sense, at least."
"Really?" asked the Dark Lord.
Louise nodded.
"Oh," said Voldemort, "I'd better give it a go then."
And so Voldemort closed his eyes, and clenched his fists and thought really, really hard about all the people that had been killed and wished as hard as he could that they were all alive again and …
"Mum!" cried Harry. "Dad!"
Voldemort opened his eyes.
"It worked!" he said, smiling happily at all the people who were now alive again.
"Well done, Dark Lord, ol' chap," said George.
"Please," said Voldemort, "call me Tom."
"Oh, Harry," said Lily, it's so good to see you again!"
"You too, Mum," replied Harry, "and you, Other Dad."
"Call me James," said James, ruffling William's hair.
"I have a question," said William, "how come you guys are the ones that got married if Severus is our dad?"
"Oh, that happened after the wedding," replied James, "you know these threesomes – no one's really sure what's going where!"
Harry nodded.
"That makes sense,"
"Well," said Lily, "I'm glad. Now we can all live Happily Ever After™!"
"Not so fast!" shouted Dumbledore, throwing off his feather boa and magicing his g-string black. "If you want a Happily Ever After™, you'll have to go through me first!"
The crowd gasped in shock.
"That's right!" continued Dumbledore. "I'm not the sweet-loving fool you all thought I was! I'm a bad, bad man!"
Harry rolled his eyes.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake," he said, "like this hasn't been dragged on long enough already."
He waved his wand sharply, hitting the Headmaster with a bright yellow light.
Dumbledore grinned.
"Exams are cancelled!" he announced cheerfully. "Let's party!"
"HUZZAH!" said the crowd.
"Huh," said Fred, "what do you suppose that spell was?"
"Looked like a variation of the majoploticanpointus," said Louise.
"Right," nodded George, "well, it looks like everything turned out well anyway."
Louise smiled as she scanned the crowd; taking in all the joyful people that had returned from the dead; the loving, dancing couples; and the glitter falling from the ceiling and nodded.
"Yes," she said, "it looks like it has."
And everybody lived Happily Ever After™.
The End
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