Chapter 7

Disclaimer: still don't own them.

Once again a hugh thank you to Soar for all her beta work.

THE NEXT DAY

Sam, who had always been an early riser, awoke the next morning before John and Dean. Sleeping on the rollaway cot didn't help matters either, funds were tight and they really couldn't afford two rooms. John had sprung for the cot and being the youngest, Sam had ended up being the one to sleep on it. He was really too tall for it and pointed it out to his smaller, older brother. Dean had not been amused and the end result was the same, much to Sam's dismay.

He got up, had a shower and was getting ready to grab the Impala keys and head out to get them some breakfast. As he grabbed them, he saw a leather bound journal sitting next to Dean's jacket. He knew that it wasn't Dean's, his was smaller, and it wasn't his father's, there were no papers sticking out of it. Curiosity getting the better of him, he opened the cover and read the first entry.

July 9th, 1978

I haven't been feeling well these past three weeks. I was really hoping that I wasn't getting the flu, because the start of the school year is right around the corner, and I have so much to prepare for the upcoming year. I really just don't have time to be sick. So I made an appointment with my doctor and he told me some wonderful news. In nine months, we will have a new addition to the Winchester family. I loved hearing the words, Mrs. Winchester, congrarulations you're pregnant.

I could just write them over and over again, but you, my little bundle of joy, would think I'm crazy. As soon as I heard those words, I wanted to go right to John's garage and tell him the news, but I have decided to wait and make it a special night and tell him he's going to be a daddy. I just know he's going to be as happy and proud as I am to be a mommy. A mommy, I just can't get enough of that word. As soon as I left the doctor's, I went right out and bought this journal.

I want to share this experience with you, my baby boy or girl. I intend to keep this up until your first birthday and give it to you someday. I know that right now, you're no bigger than a coffee bean, but I want you to know that I love coffee. Oops, sorry love, that didn't come out right. Maybe I should have said no bigger than a peanut, because I love those too, especially covered in chocolate. I am really getting off track here.

I guess this is what they mean by pregnancy cravings because right now, I have a really strong desire for coffee and peanut M&M's. I better put this down and come back later before you start to think that your mommy (yeah, get to say it again.), is a few fries short of a happy meal. Alright, Mary Winchester, you really have to stop with the food analogies because now I really want a happy meal along with my peanuts and coffee.

What time is it? Only 2 pm, 3 more hours before John gets home, screw this. I'm going to go tell him now (well after I stop by McDonald's and the convenience store). I love you, my child. Yay, got it out right this time. See, your mommy, I never get tired of writing that word, is not a fruit loop. Dammit, now I have to go to the grocery store. More later.

Sam stared in shock. This was his mother's journal.

"Morning, Sam," John said as he came over to where Sam was sitting at the table.

"Dad, where did this come from?" was Sam's response as he shoved the journal towards his father.

John looked at what Sam was holding. It looked familiar, but he couldn't quite place it.

"Please tell me that's not your brother's journal because, Sam, if it is, you had better have a good explanation as to why you're reading it." One thing that John had always respected was Dean's journal, he would never have read it without his son's permission.

"It's not Dean's, dad. It's mom's."

Those were the last words that John had been expecting and his surprise showed.

"Where did you find it?" John asked in a shaky tone.

"It was here on the table, right next to Dean's jacket."

John picked it up and read the first entry. Sam watched as a mixture of joy, sadness and amusement crossed his father's features.

"I remember this. Your mother was going to make one for each of her children," John remembered fondly.

"It still doesn't explain where it came from," Sam reminded his father.

"Frank must have given it to him," explained John.

"Why would he have it?" Sam asked, confused. Why would his mother give such a thing to her father, especially with everything that had gone on?

John didn't answer, he just nodded towards a sleeping Dean and Sam understood what his father wasn't saying. It had something to do with his grandfather and the secret that both hunters were keeping from Dean.

"Do you think..." Sam trailed off. He didn't want to say it out loud because Dean had an uncanny knack for picking up things that were going on around him, even if he appeared to be asleep. "That reading it would be too much for him? What's in there?"

"I don't know, I never read it. Mary said that it was for Dean and if he wanted to share it, that was up to him. She said the same thing about yours."

"Do you have mine, dad, or does Frank?"

"No, Sam, I'm sorry. Your mother's favourite place to write was beside the crib. It was in your nursery."

Sam glanced at Dean's book and couldn't help but feel a little bit of jealousy. He wanted to hear what his mom had to say about him.

John was watching Sam and once again he felt an overwhelming sadness for all the memories that had burned along with Mary that long ago night.

"Sam, you may not be able to read her words, but she loved you, with her whole heart and soul, never doubt that, okay?"

"I know that, Dad. Could this thing hurt Dean though?" Sam asked. He wanted to change the subject.

"No, I don't think so. Mary fully intended for Dean to read it one day," John reasoned.

"Read what?" came the mumbled response from behind them. "It's too early to read. You guys want to give it a rest and let a man get some sleep?" Dean had a feeling that his father and brother had found the journal that Grandpa had given him the day before. He really wanted to read it, he just didn't know if he was ready to. Grandpa had told him to take his time, that he could have it for as long as it took him to be comfortable with it.

"Good morning, son," John greeted.

"Whoever came up with that expression needed to have their head examined. Name me one good thing about mornings? Wake me at a half decent hour would you?" Dean rolled over and pulled the covers back over his head.

"Time to get up now, Dean, we have a lot to get done today," John said as he pulled the covers away from his son.

"Tell me there's coffee at least?"

"I was just going out for breakfast," Sam said.

"Sam, get one scratch on my car and you're a dead man," Dean growled.

Sam left the motel room. He had volunteered to go for breakfast because he wanted to make a pit stop. Sam was still very uneasy about this whole situation. Dean would react badly if he ever found out about Frank's rejection, and the fact that in these last couple of days Dean had made a connection to their grandfather would make it much worse. John was convinced that Frank truly cared about Dean and would not say a word, and while Sam usually trusted his father's instincts, he just couldn't bring himself to trust Frank. He wanted to see for himself if the man was on the up and up, only then would he rest easy. So as much as he did not want to be in the same room with the man, he felt that it was time to meet with Frank Jackson.

Dean had told them where Frank lived so Sam drove over there. He pulled up to the gate and when he gave his name, he was buzzed in immediately. Sam, like Dean the day before, was in awe as he took in the grounds and the house, but he didn't let that deter him from his mission.

He was shown in by the butler and it wasn't too long before Sam was standing face to face with his grandfather.

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Frank had awoken that morning happier than he could remember being in a long time. He was so glad that Conner had cancelled on him, because he'd had a much better time with his grandson. He knew that once Conner found out how much he had paid for his car, he was not going to be pleased, but Frank didn't care. Maybe next time Winifred would think twice about insulting Dean.

Frank smiled at the memory of Dean turning down Tabitha and his boyish pleasure around all the fancy automobiles. He wanted to learn everything he could about his grandson. Some things were a mystery to him, like how he had noticed that Dean asked John's permission before he did anything. There was also the necklace that he'd noticed the young man wearing. He had seen it in the diner, and when they had arrived here yesterday and Dean had loosened his tie and collar, Frank had gotten a glimpse of the string that it was tied on. He did ask Dean about it during their talk, but Dean had said that it was a long story and changed the subject.

And what about the Impala? John had had it from the day they met and he took excellent care of it. John had said that he had given it to Dean and he had a feeling that his grandson took care of it just as carefully as John had. Why did he tell Ian that it had been fully restored? What was this rough spot that Dean had gone through? John had mentioned it but never elaborated. Most importantly, during their talk yesterday, Frank had picked up on the fact that Dean had a hard time believing that his mother was proud of him. Why would he even question that, or think he had to prove himself to her?

He was startled out of his memories when he heard the buzzer.

"Mr. Jackson, there is a Sam Winchester here to see you."

"Miles, are you sure it's Sam, not Dean?" Frank asked his butler.

"Yes sir, he said his name was Sam. Is it okay to buzz him through?"

"Of course," replied Frank. Why would Sam be coming to see him, had he had a change of heart?

Frank went down to the living room and he saw his younger grandson waiting for him.

"This is a pleasant surprise, but I get the feeling this is more than a social call," Frank said wryly, noting Sam's demeanour.

"You're right," Sam said, his chin rising defiantly. "To be honest, this is the last place I want to be, but we have to talk."

"Your want reassurance that I'm not out to hurt Dean."

"Yeah, and I want to know the deal with mom's journal. Why do you have it? What's in it and why did you give it to Dean?"

"Please sit. I'll tell you everything. Do you want anything?" Frank asked politely.

"Just answers," Sam said bluntly.

Frank started off by telling Sam everything he had told John in the diner, about wanting to please his father and not being about to stand up to him. "Sam, your brother and I talked about Mary last night. He told me about MIT and how he felt the need to make Mary proud. I told him that she was, but I got the feeling that he didn't believe me. I gave her journal to Dean because I felt he might believe it if Mary told him. I've read it, Sam, many times. There is nothing in there about me not wanting him to have my name."

"That still doesn't explain why you have it," Sam stated.

"There was a note attached to it when I received it. Hold on I'll get it."

Frank left and returned shortly. He handed the note to Sam

Dad,

Enclosed is a journal that I have kept since the day I found out I was pregnant with Dean. You are probably wondering why you are receiving this, given the nature of what it contains, and that Father, is the exact reason you are getting this. I want you to know exactly what a special person your grandson is. These pages are the only way you are going to get to know my baby boy because of your stubborn pride. Dad, I get that you may not have thought John was good enough for me, in your eyes, no one is. I'm your little girl and, as a mom, I can tell you no woman will be good enough for my Dean.

What I will never understand, or forgive, is how you could think that Dean wasn't good enough for you, he's my son and that alone should have been enough. You always told me to have faith. I have faith in my son, he would have done the Jackson name proud, of this I have no doubt. When Dean was born, everyone at the hospital, doctors, nurses, even friends told me to prepare myself, he wasn't going to survive. I thought nothing could hurt more than that. I was wrong. That my own father could reject my son, cuts just that much deeper. To you, it shouldn't have mattered whether Dean was going to live or not because he is your grandson and you should have been honoured that he had your name. This journal was supposed to be a gift for my son, but I think you need it more. Through this book, you will get to know Dean, and when you "meet" your grandson, I hope you realize just how much pride costs.

Mary.

"She was right, Sam. I had no contact with Mary for the next three years. We ran into one another by accident. I was on the board of trustees at the hospital and your mother was there. She was pregnant with you. I wanted a second chance. I asked her if we could talk, I knew that she wouldn't forgive me and that things would never be the same between us, but I missed my daughter. We slowly patched things up and when you were born, I came to the hospital to see you. I vowed not to make the same mistake twice, but instead I made a much bigger one. I asked Mary if she was going to name you Jackson. I saw another chance to make my dad proud and I told her I would also be proud if you had the name. Mary had such an easy pregnancy with you. You were born healthy and to Mary and John, it looked like I had picked you over Dean. Sam, I swear, even if you had been born with complications like Dean was, I still would have asked Mary to give you my name. You don't have to believe me and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Your mom got even angrier and told me never to come back. That was the last time I saw my daughter. I have so many regrets, Sam. I will never get a chance to make things right with Mary. You will never know how grateful I am that your father is giving me a chance to make things right with her sons."

This was the first time Sam had heard Frank's side of the story and he wasn't sure what to say, but he was sure of one thing.

Sam handed the note back to his grandfather. "Burn it," Sam requested. "If Dean is going to be coming here, then there can be no chance he will ever find this."

"I keep it as a reminder. He won't see it," Frank promised.

"If Dean ever found out, do you know what that would do to him? He can't find out. Any piece of evidence just means there's a much greater chance of it happening. Burn this." Sam repeated, his tone implying that it was a statement, not a request. "You don't need it anymore."

Sam saw Frank's hesitation and he realized he needed to make his point clearer.

"I'm serious. Nothing is more important to my brother than family. Whether I like it or not, he has made you a part of ours. Once that happens with Dean, it's for life. There is nothing you can do right now that he won't forgive and that includes this whole name business. If he finds out the truth, he won't blame you. He will blame himself for not being good enough, and that is why he can't find out. So get rid of that note. I mean it, Frank," Sam stated emphatically once more.

"Alright, Sam, I'll get rid of it," Frank agreed. He didn't need it anymore, he had Dean, and right now that was everything. There was no way Frank wanted to risk the truth coming out and with that, he tore the note in two and threw it into a trash bucket. "Sam, can I ask you something?"

"Depends," Sam responded warily.

"Why would Dean blame himself, he was just a baby?" Frank asked hesitantly.

Sam thought for a moment before answering. "It's really not my place to tell the whole story, but I will say that Dean grew up fast after Mom was killed. He took on a lot of adult responsibility, most times without being asked. A kid can't do what an adult would be able to, so most times he couldn't live up to his own expectations. There was this one time, Dad got hurt and he couldn't work, we had no money coming in. Dean had been working a part time job and gave Dad all his savings, but it didn't go far. Do you know what he did?"

"No, your dad never told me this story."

"Dean went out and got a second part time job. He worked nightshift during the evening, trying to keep things going."

"What does that have to do with Dean blaming himself for things?" Frank asked.

"I guess I forgot to mention that Dean was 17 at the time, so he was working all evening and all night and going to school during the day."

"When did he sleep?" Frank asked.

"He didn't really, maybe an hour or two a day. Dad and I had no idea about what he was up to until we got a call that Dean had been taken to the hospital, because he'd collapsed from exhaustion. The only thing Dean saw was that he'd failed to take care of us."

Frank was floored by the admission. "I'm guessing that's why he feels he has to make his mom proud. There's something else I want to ask about. Please, Sam, don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way if I'm totally off base."

"What is it?"

"To me, it seems that Dean has a lot of the characteristics of an abused child, the way he asks his father if it's okay before doing something, as if he's afraid to upset him. Then there's the whole guilt thing, like if something goes wrong, the way he doesn't like to talk about things, the way he is so super protective of you. I picked that up from our talk yesterday. You are the one thing he talks a blue streak about. Sam, did John hit Dean?" Frank asked hesitantly.

Sam's initial reaction was to get angry. John Winchester was about as far from the perfect father as you could get, but the one thing that Sam never doubted was that they were loved, and John would shoot himself before he laid a finger on his boys.

"No, never! Dean and dad are just really close and Dean asks out of respect. The guilt thing comes from growing up too fast. As for the reason that Dean is so protective of me, it's because he carried me out the front door the night of the fire."

"He did?" Frank was surprised. "I never knew that."

"From that moment, Dean decided it was his job and his responsibility to keep me safe, but not from Dad, he loved us. We never got along well, but I never had any doubt about that."

"Thank God for that, and thank you for not getting angry about my asking. I had to know. Sam, I know I just met Dean two days ago, but it feels like so much longer than that. I'm proud that he's a part of my life and I don't want anything to change that. I promise my intentions with your mom's journal were good."

"Yours maybe, but what about your wife?"

"Margaret?"

"Yeah, Dad's told us about her. What's to stop her from telling Dean the truth?"

"She's away for the next couple of weeks. If you're still in town when she gets back, I'll talk to her. She won't say anything."

"She better not because I swear, if you hurt Dean or she does, you're both going to regret it," Sam warned.

"I won't, Sam. I promise that on Mary's grave. Will you tell me what happened to Dean? Your dad said he was in a rough spot."

"He almost died," Sam answered with a shudder.

That was the last thing Frank was expecting. "How?"

"Car accident. We were broadsided by a de... a drunk behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler."

Guess that explains fully restored car, Frank thought.

"Me and dad were lucky, we escaped with cuts, bruises, and a broken wrist. Dean got the worst of it, he ended up on a ventilator and he was in a coma for three weeks. We didn't know if he was going to live or die. He was in the hospital for close to two months. Like I said, family is everything to him and when he realized just how close he'd come to losing us, it really hit him hard. The whole irony of the situation is that we were closer to losing him than he was to losing us."

Frank thought about the young man that he had come to love in the last two days. Yes, he loved his grandson and the news that he could have lost him before getting to know him struck Frank like a physical blow. He had to sit down.

Sam watched as Frank absorbed the news. He saw the man stagger and for the first time since Sam had met him, he looked like an old man. It was that reaction that made Sam realize what Frank had been saying was true. He wanted Dean in his life. Sam just wished that Margaret would never enter the picture.

"Sam, thank you for coming here and telling me this. I know it was hard for you," Frank said, his eyes rising to meet Sam's.

"It was. I want to hate you," Sam commented honestly. "That being said, I have to be honest. I can't get past the fact that you hurt my brother, even if he will never know. The only reason I can't hate you is because I would hurt Dean too, without meaning to. Don't ask, I'm not giving details. I will support Dean and if he wants a relationship with you, then I am all for it. I want to be here for my brother, so I will tolerate you. Right now, that's all I can promise."

"I can live with that, Sam," Frank responded.

"I better get going. I told Dad and Dean I was going out for breakfast, they're going to start wondering what happened to me."

Sam left and drove to the closest restaurant. When he got back, he gave a lame excuse about line ups. They seemed to accept that and they all began to eat. As they laughed and carried on, much like they had the night before, Sam allowed himself to relax slightly. He hoped everything would work out. If anyone deserved a little happiness, it was Dean.

A/N: This chapter definitely didn't turn out like I planned it. It was supposed to be Dean reading Mary's journal, but when I started writing, it took on a life of its own. Given the way I have the story planned out, I felt there was a more effective place for Dean to read Mary's thoughts a little later in the story, so don't worry, you will all get to see what it says.

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