Celibacy
by Aki Midori
Warnings: YAOI. Suggestive themes. Foul language. PG-13, so be warned.
Blah:
Blah.
Hehe. Seriously, minna. Back with a vengeance, my ass. Yeah, yeah. Vengeance, alright. Vengeance of a f****** turtle, that is. Slooow, slooow update. Sorry, guys. Bear with me. I'm thinking of putting Celibacy on hold, but I figured I wouldn't want to leave things undone, so I'm going to push through and finish this, if it's the last thing I do!
Till then, blame the educational system and my schedule.
DisclaiMerS: Not mine.
-----------------------
Celibacy
Chapter 10: On Letting Go
/No strings attached./
And it was like, what?! The umpteenth date since last Friday. That very day wherein Kaede called him and told him the harshest phrase he ever heard in his life.
/No strings attached./
Sure. He's Sendoh Akira, after all. Wasn't he used to that kind of relationship? It comes with the package, along with naming lizards and counting cracks. Yeah, he's used to it. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, bye-bye! Of course, he's used to that!
"Pencils. Happy happy pencils."
/No strings attached./
Sure. He's the expert. No strings at all. Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. Sex. Bye-bye. The expert alright.
"Fuck the pencils. We're a first-class ad company. What the hell should people do with pencils?"
/No strings attached./
Yeah, he's used to it. But it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted strings this time, and he's not talking about nylon, cotton whatever-ton string there is. He's talking about love. His love.
"Pencils are used for the advancement of education."
"Bullshit."
"What do you think, Sendoh-kun?"
/No strings attached./
Was it supposed to hurt this much?
"Sendoh-kun?"
/No strings attached./
*poke*
/No strings attached./
*poke* *poke*
/No strings-/
"Goddamit, who poked?" Sendoh hollered. Five new subordinates cowered at the sight of a restless, not to mention grumpy Sendoh. The words 'grumpy' and 'Sendoh' doesn't really suit each other, but what the heck, their boss is downright pissed. They don't know why, though. Maybe his friends know? But they're not talking... they're all hiding behind their folders... hmmm... they wondered why.
Kiyota used ounces of self-control as he cleared his throat. "Sujino poked. You looked preoccupied and these newbies are kinda getting too hot for pencils and whatnot."
Sendoh ran a hand through his unspiked hair and heaved a huge sigh."What the hell do pencils have to do with this meeting?"
"Give-aways," Maki supplied, looking mildly amused at Sendoh's, erm, discomfort. "These five nice young men are sharing their insights about pencils... as give-aways."
"Too cheap," Sendoh snapped.
Maki grinned. "Meeting adjourned."
"Tell us when you have another ideas, folks," Kiyota said as he ushered the five guys out of the conference room. He heard another great sigh. "You've been sighing a lot lately, Sendoh Akira. I wonder why."
Koshino grunted from his chair. "Tightass boyfriend's getting on his nerves."
"Are you talking about Sendoh, or are you talking about Jin?" Mitsui joked.
"Shut up and shove that pencil down your sorry throat," Koshino snapped. He blushed at the mention of Jin's name, though, and Mitsui couldn't help but tease him again. Pretty soon, both men are wrestling on the floor, with Koshino pummeling Mitsui to non-existence.
Sendoh tried hard not to pay attention to the bundle on the floor, or Maki's hidden smirk, or Kiyota's howling laughter. What a sorry bunch of people. He sighed again... because he was sorriest one of them all.
Sure, the great Rukawa Kaede's his boyfriend already. Whoopdedoo. And the pierced guy's colder than Antarctica itself. Damn, what Sendoh would do to bring back that serene smile, that quiet laughter, or that soulful gaze. All he got nowadays were grunts and shoves and monosyllabic, monotonic, mono-whatever words. Sendoh wanted to pound his head on the table once again, just to ease his raging nerves and to mend his battered heart.
History loves to repeat itself sooo much.
Koshino and Mitsui stopped harassing each other on the floor when they heard steady poundings against the oak table.
*bonk**bonk**bonk*
"Should we stop him?" Koshino asked as he pulled himself away from the floor, but not after banging Mitsui's head on the carpeted floor for the last time. Tweety birds flew around Mitsui's head for a moment before he finally stood up and witnessed Sendoh Akira's ministrations.
Maki stared at the poor, helpless man who was currently bonking his head on the hard oak wood and shook his head. "Nah. Leave him to his own misery. His head'll hurt in a short while. He'd stop by then."
*bonk* *bonk*
"What a great pal you are, Mr. I-Got-Laid-Last-Night-by-the-Captain-of-the-National-Team," Kiyota remarked. "So... was he any good?"
"Better than you could ever be." *harrumph*
*bonk*
Ow... that must have hurt. Mitsui smirked from the floor and shook his head. He stared up at Maki, who, at the moment, was grinning like he had the best sex of his entire life. "You look human, Shin. That's a first."
"Geez, thanks very much."
*bonk* *bonk*
"Oi, what about him?" Koshino pointed at the swirly-eyed Sendoh.
*bonk* *bonk* *bonk*
Mitsui carelessly waved a hand in the air and turned to his co-directors. "Leave him alone." Grin. "But honestly, everyone, what do you think of the pencils?"
*BONK!*
"Er... I guess Akira doesn't approve of the pencils." Mitsui scratched his head. "Eh, hehehehe..."
----------------------
'He has no right- I repeat- NO right to look that ADORABLE,' Rukawa Kaede seethed as he sat across his 'boyfriend'.
Ice cream on the nose. Cross-eyed. Tiny pout. Little tongue poking out of kissable lips, trying to lick the little blodge of ice cream away. Not to mention the fact that the absence of the spikes made him look.. yummier. Delectable. Kawaii!
Rukawa sighed. Adorable indeed. His resistance could only hold for so long. He grabbed a table napkin and practically smothered Sendoh's face with it. "There. It's gone."
And dammit, Sendoh *smiled* that kawaii, genki smile, Rukawa wanted to bash his face. "Thank you!"
"It was nothing."
Now, what else could he do? *itch**itch* His ear's itching again. New earrings. A little, dangling black cross with a silver lining. Inside, a tiny word was carved. 'Weiß,' it said. [1]
Sendoh gave him a smile. "Ne, Kaede. That's an adorable earring you got there. Where did you get it? Huh?"
'Stop looking cute,' Rukawa wanted to snap. "Megumi-neechan. Lost another bet."
Yet again, that bastard (as far as Rukawa was concerned) yet again smiled. "You two seemed to be very fond of bets."
Rukawa shrugged and twirled his spoon around his melting ice cream. "Whatever."
Sendoh would have bawled right then and there, if it wasn't for his divine patience. Rukawa's been so cold. Sure, they started to go out since Friday, but damn if the walking popsicle stick smiled already. Sendoh had never felt so alone in his life. His smiles couldn't breach that stupid barrier system anymore. All Rukawa could give him are cold stares and snappy words. He thought love was supposed to be a good thing. Better than the feeling celibacy has brought... or so he thought. Yeah, sure, he's been trying to search for a meaningful existence. He thought he found it already when he made Rukawa smile.
He turned his back on everything, just for Rukawa. Now, looking at the stoic boy in front of him, he wondered if it was all worth it.
Love wasn't supposed to hurt this much.
Rukawa, on the other hand, was on the verge of bawling himself. No strings attached, my ass. He wondered if he could hold on any longer. The times he spent with Sendoh are the best times of his life. The hardest too, since he was trying so damn hard to push the fuzzy feelings away. Damn, it was so scary for him. He's falling... falling... falling. He's falling hard and fast. He's afraid no one's there to catch him. It was a scary feeling, falling in love.
And so, right now, with that pout, Sendoh very much resembled a pecking duck, but he looked so adorable, Rukawa wanted to huggle him then and there. Hmmm.. wonder what Sendoh was thinking about? Why was he pouting oh, so cutely? He wanted to find out.
Rukawa nudged the thinking boy. "Want another ice cream, Sendoh?"
"Huh? Oh? No, this is fine with me," Sendoh replied as he wondered what the hell happened to 'Akira'. He looked at the beautiful man in front of him and saw a tiny spot of ice cream right beside Rukawa's lower lip. He wiped it off without a thought. Rukawa's heart suddenly wanted to burst out of its ribcage. Sendoh smiled, a little bit achingly.
He never knew what he could do to Rukawa.
Sheesh, if he only knew. It would put an end to his misery.
"Ne, Kaede, want to see a movie?"
"No."
Ouch.
"Want to go out and see the sunset?"
"No."
Double ouch.
"What do you want to do, then?"
Heh, if he only knew. Rukawa wanted to run away from that warm gestures, those handsome smiles, those thoughtless actions. Rukawa wanted to get away from Sendoh Akira. The mere presence of the man was scaring him, goddamit. He felt as if he was falling hard from the sky, and he was afraid no one would be there to catch him.
He sighed. Why is it all so complicated?
/The only thing complicated about your situation is that you're too scared to be happy. What's worse is the fact that even though we practically raised you, we don't even know why!/
Megumi's harsh words suddenly invaded his thoughts. Why, indeed? Why was he scared to be happy? Honestly, he doesn't know. It was like he wanted to reach out to somebody, yet, he couldn't. He was like /that/, as far as he could remember. Why didn't anyone try to change him while it wasn't too late? He's twenty-five years old now. It's too late for him to change his views. He's been scared to reach out for as long as he could remember, and no one, not even himself, bothered to do a thing about it.
And now look at him. He's a wreck.
"Kaede? Are there any problems?" Sendoh asked as he held Rukawa's hand in his.
A chill ran down Rukawa's spine. He jerked his hand away from Sendoh's and turned away. He didn't see that brief flash of pain reflected in Sendoh's deep blue eyes.
"Oi! Kitsune! Sendoh! Fancy meeting you here!"
Great. Just great.
"What are you doing here, 'ahou?" Rukawa snapped as Sakuragi plopped down on the empty chair beside Rukawa.
"Hello to you, too, cousin," Sakuragi greeted as he playfully pulled Rukawa's dangling ear.
Which earned him a square hit on his pretty face, of course.
Rukawa blew out an irritated sigh and stood up.
"Kaede, where are you going?" Sendoh asked.
"Men's room." With that, he walked away from the two gaping men.
"What's with him?" Sakuragi asked as he rubbed his battered nose.
"You're his cousin. You tell me."
"My, my. So the rumor's true. The ever-smiling Sendoh Akira is indeed grumpy today. And wow," Sakuragi said, "I never thought I'd see the day wherein Sendoh Akira would unspike his hair. You love my cousin-slash-best friend that much? Huh? Huh?"
Sendoh sighed. "Yeah, and I think the Ice Queen's more romantic than that guy."
"He's giving you a hard time?"
"Understatement of the century, man." Sendoh shifted in his chair and stared at Sakuragi straight in the eye. "Why's he like that?"
"Hell, I don't know," Sakuragi replied. "He's been like that since we were kids. I'm sure one of my cousins told you that already. I guess some people are just like that [2]. Someone who wants to reach out, yet couldn't. Someone who wanted to be loved, yet at the same time, cringes at the first sign of love. Sheesh, I guess my cousin's one of them. I was thinking someone could pull him out of his own world-"
"And that's me, ne?"
Sakuragi gave Sendoh a strange look. "My, someone's been talking to Kirei-neechan, eh?" Sendoh just gave Sakuragi a blank stare. "Yes, that would be you. Kaede changed since he met you."
"Sorry, Sakuragi, but I think you got the wrong person," Sendoh said in a defeated tone.
"The hell do you mean by that?"
"He's colder than ever, he doesn't smile anymore, he avoids my touches as if I'm the carrier of the plague itself, and he f****** doesn't notice my cute smiles and my adorable antics!" Sendoh finished in an exasperated shout. Hmm... Good thing Rukawa's in the men's room, trying to intimidate the mirror with his icy glares. "Let's face it. Kaede could never love me."
"So that's it?" Sakuragi taunted. "You're gonna give up, just like that?" Sakuragi made a face. "Man, I gave you more credit. For a short time there, I thought you're something else. I thought you're good for that good-for-nothing fox. Hell, and you're just gonna give up on him? Hell! I mean it, man! Hell!"
"That's easy for you to react like that 'coz you're not the one who's in love with a damn grecian statue," Sendoh muttered. "I have better chances with Apollo or Adonis. Hmp."
"Quit pouting, dammit. And I'd rather drown myself in a sewerage than fall in love with Kaede," Sakuragi declared. "You didn't push hard enough. No sexual innuendos included, of course. I mean, just... be cute and adorable! I'm pretty sure he's not taking a piss at the men's room right now. He's probably trying to fight his, uh, urges for you. If I'm not mistaken he's there to 'clear his mind,' as Min-kun would put it, if he's here."
"I'm telling you, man, he doesn't notice me at all!"
"Then flap your arms and fly around the damn place!" Sakuragi snapped. "Sing a song, tapdance, imitate a freakin' dodo bird, clap your heels together, whatever! If I'm not mistaken, someone told my cousin once that little things could make people happy. Last time I checked, my cousin's still a 'person'. Little things could make him happy, too, you know. Try doing small, heartfelt things."
"Are you sure you're Sakuragi Hanamichi?" Sendoh warily asked.
Sakuragi almost banged his head on Sendoh's. "Dammit! Give me more credit, will ya? If it weren't for me and my antics, Rukawa Kaede would long be drowning himself into oblivion!"
Sendoh studied the man in front of him. True. Yep. Rukawa would probably be lost without this loud man. Either that, or Rukawa would probably be much more sane. Sendoh doesn't know. But what he does know is that this arrogant, boisterous man in front of him cares for Rukawa very, very much. That's all there is to know.
"Loving Kaede is a very tiring activity," Sendoh muttered.
"Yeah, but if you're able to melt all that layers of ice, it would be worth it," Sakuragi shot back.
"I don't know how to melt his ice."
Sakuragi grinned... much like that devilish grin he had when Sendoh first met him at the supermarket. "Just be cute."
Sendoh almost doubled over. "Cute?"
"Yeah, cute," Sakuragi affirmed. "I'll tell you what." Sakuragi motioned for Sendoh to get closer and grinned ferally when the latter did. "I'll tell you a secret."
Sendoh's ears perked. "A secret?"
"Yeah, a secret." Sakuragi leaned in closer and whispered, "Kaede lo~oves cute things."
*blink* "He does?"
Sakuragi nodded. "Very much. Don't tell him I told you, though. He'll kill me. I betcha he doesn't even know it yet, but cute things make him go weak in the knees. He hates it when that happens. "
And in strolled the prince of North and South Pole. "Oi, 'ahou, don't you have anything better to do?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," Sakuragi easily replied. "I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone, so I could go see my Nobu, okay?"
"Whatever."
Sakuragi sneered. "You need to get laid."
Sendoh sputtered. Rukawa snorted. "You need a life."
Sakuragi stood up and waved carelessly. "Oh I do have a life, cousin dearest. A good one at that. What about you?" And he walked away.
'What about you?' Rukawa mimicked in his thoughts. as he watched his cousin's retreating figure. 'Life, my ass. Why don't you put your miserable feet in my shoes, see if you can say that again, huh? Life, my ass.'
"Ne, Kaede, are you alright?"
'Alright, my ass. Stop being cute.'
Sendoh pouted. He looked cute when he did that.
"I said stop being cute!"
"Huh?"
-------------------------
"What's that?"
Smile. "A cute, adorable wittle bunny?"
"I know that," Rukawa snapped. "What the hell am I gonna do with 'a cute, adorable wittle bunny'?"
Grin. "Huggle it?"
"Do'aho." Rukawa walked away, leaving Sendoh with a fallen smile and a broken heart (yet again).
The carnival is a stupid idea, as far as Rukawa was concerened. People are everywhere, and the noise, the activities, the laughter, the smiles, the plushies are all getting on his nerves. The plushies are cute, though, and the one which Sendoh Akira was holding out to him was cuter than any other plushy.
Sendoh's hopeful smile was cuter, though. And his fallen face wasn't. Sure, he knew for a fact that he'd been hurting Sendoh's feelings everytime they went out together, but he couldn't help but distance himself away. He had to protect himself because no one else would.
*sigh* Loving Sendoh Akira is a difficult activity. He had to protect himself from all those cute-ness. Dammit.
He was about to tell Sendoh that he wanted to go home when he found no Sendoh beside him. He looked around and found the man still standing where he left him. The *pink* usagi was dangling from his left hand as he stood there with a forlorn expression.
Cute. He looked cute with that starry eyes, that irresistible pout and that *pink* bunny.
Rukawa found himself walking towards the cute Sendoh Akira and grabbed the *pink* bunny from him. "There, I got it. Thank you. Now, are you happy?"
Sendoh's eyes sparkled as he threw an arm around Rukawa's waist and gave the latter a quick kiss on his cheeks. "Yes, thank you!"
Needless to say, Rukawa was blushing like an overheated teapot. That is, if overheated teapots blush.
"Why are you frowning, Kaede?" Sendoh asked with a blink.
Rukawa was thoughtful for a moment. Should he, or should he not voice out his distress to the cute man beside him? "The bunny's *pink*." Yep, he did.
"But it's cute, ne?"
"It looks stupid."
It was another 'ouch' for Sendoh. Before he could react, someone glomped him from behind with a loud, 'Hello~o!' Only one person has that high-pitched, happy voice.
"Kawaii usagi! Lemme huggle!"
"No."
"Come on, just once, 'niichan!"
"What the hell are you doing here, anyway, Shinri?" Rukawa snapped as he disentangled his sister from his boyfriend. "It's eight o'clock in the evening, you should be in bed. Who the hell told you you can get out of the house? Go home, you little twerp. Do you even know what kind of danger lurks in the night during this hour?"
Shinri rolled her pretty eyes. "I'm not alone, 'niichan. I'm with my boyfriend."
Sendoh doesn't know which face was cuter. Rukawa's shocked face (slitted eyes turned wide, pouty lips parted) or Shinri's indignant one (large eyes slitted, full lips in a straight, determined line).
"Your WHAT?!"
Sendoh blinked. Uh oh... big brother Kaede rivalled Zeus in all his glorious fury at this moment. Sendoh hid a smile. He never thought Rukawa could be a tad overprotective.
"Boyfriend, 'niichan," Shinri repeated.
"Who the hell told you you could have a boyfriend at eighteen?!" Glorious fury indeed.
"Who told me I can't?" Shinri retorted.
"*I'm* telling you that you can't," Rukawa snapped.
"Oniichan! I'm not a kid anymore!"
"Could have fooled me."
It was time for Sendoh to interrupt. "Kaede, I think Shinri's old enough to think for herself."
Rukawa fumed. "Stay out of this, Sendoh. This is between my sister and me."
It was like a slap on Sendoh's face.
"Don't be mean to Akira-niichan!" Shinri exclaimed. "And stay out of my way, too! Just because you're too scared to be happy doesn't mean I get to cower in front of love, too. I know love when it hits me in the face, oniichan. I'm not scared to love, and I love my boyfriend."
It was like a slap on Rukawa's face. In an instant, the bouncy girl vanished right in front of Rukawa's eyes, replaced with a woman who was old enough to decide for her own. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and saw Sendoh's pained, yet smiling face. "She's not your little girl anymore, Kaede. Let her go. Let her be happy."
Rukawa drew in a strained breath. "We'll talk about this later, Shinri. Go ahead now."
Shinri blew out a sigh of relief and kissed Rukawa and Sendoh softly before going to her boyfriend. "I'll see you later then, Kaede-niichan."
Rukawa watched as Shinri walked away from him. It was as if he was losing another person in his life, and it was painful. Sendoh was right. Shinri's old enough to live her own life. Sure, she's a bit of an airhead, and a bit too happy for anyone's own comfort, but yeah, she's old enough. Wise enough.
And yet again, one person walked away from him. Rukawa wondered if Sendoh's gonna be the next.
"She grew up right behind my back," Rukawa muttered.
"One way or another, you have to let them go," Sendoh softly replied. The hand was back on Rukawa's waist but he pulled away.
'Yeah. I always have to let them go,' he thought. 'I wonder if I have to let you go, too.'
Little did he know that Sendoh will be the one who'll do the 'letting go' activity. Sendoh'll do it, alright, because he couldn't take the cold treatment anymore. It hurt enough that he had to act *cute* while inside his heart was breaking. Where did the other Rukawa go? The one who held the shell with gentleness and a warm smile? Where was the laughing, smiling, open Rukawa? He wanted that Rukawa, not this one.
This one was bent on hurting him till he cried.
He loved Rukawa with all his heart, but he couldn't- wouldn't- settle for this kind of relationship. It hurt too much.
'I guess it's time for me to let go,' Sendoh thought. With a heavy heart, he pulled Rukawa towards a secluded spot and positioned himself in front of the cool, cool gaze. "We need to talk, Kaede."
"What about?"
No more being cute. No more wooing. No more dates. No more... shit, this would hurt Sendoh more than anything... no more Kaede. "Kaede... do you love me?"
Rukawa couldn't be more surprised. I do, he wanted to say. "Do I have to?" he asked, instead.
"This isn't working." It was a pained whisper.
"I knew that from the start." Yeah, Rukawa did. Right from the *very* start.
Sendoh studied Rukawa once again. He took his damned sweet time, knowing that it would be the last. Rukawa's silver cross earring glittered under the moonlight, and for a moment Sendoh studied it.
A cross. Two lines overlapping, crossing paths. Entwined. Destined to be together, for all time.
"I'm breaking up with you, Kaede," Sendoh said. 'And it hurts.'
Silence hung in the air.
"Fine."
No, it wasn't fine. It hurt.
"I guess that's it," Sendoh said with a small smile. Was he supposed to say, 'It was fun while it lasted'?
"Yeah, that's it."
"I-"
"I'll see you around, Sendoh," Rukawa said before Sendoh said anything else. He gripped the pink bunny tighter as he walked away. It was better that way, him walking away rather than the other way around. He knew he couldn't take it anymore if he saw another person walk away from him, leaving him out in the cold. What was that Sendoh was about to say? I'm sorry? I was miserable with you? I hate you? I'm sad? Whatever it is, he wouldn't know.
"I love you," Rukawa mouthed softly. But Sendoh wouldn't know that either. He shoved his hand into his pocket and felt the shell. No, Sendoh wouldn't know.
He didn't see Sendoh standing there, with a single tear falling down his cheek.
He didn't see Sendoh mouth the words that he was suppoed to say earlier.
Rukawa didn't see, so he would never know that Sendoh was supposed to say 'I love you.'
There are some things that Rukawa would never know, but there are also some things that Sendoh would never know.
For one, Sendoh would never know that Rukawa was crying while he was walking away.
/No strings attached./
It was better that way.
*********
tsu.zu.ku
*********
[1] Couldn't resist... ^_^; Shinri's gonna react on this one, I just know it. Hwehehehe... I want my own Weiss earring, dammit! Where do I get one? Huh? Huh?
[2] Unfortunately, there *are* some people who are like that. People who are too proud and too scared to reach out. It's stupid, really, but hey, people like that exist.
I guess that's it for chapter ten. Okay.. so scratch that 'back with a vengeance' part. I don't know how fast I'll be updating this fic, but I do know that I'm going to finish this because I *hate* leaving things undone.
For now, take care, everybody, and thank you all. You know why, ne? ^_^
aki
by Aki Midori
Warnings: YAOI. Suggestive themes. Foul language. PG-13, so be warned.
Blah:
Blah.
Hehe. Seriously, minna. Back with a vengeance, my ass. Yeah, yeah. Vengeance, alright. Vengeance of a f****** turtle, that is. Slooow, slooow update. Sorry, guys. Bear with me. I'm thinking of putting Celibacy on hold, but I figured I wouldn't want to leave things undone, so I'm going to push through and finish this, if it's the last thing I do!
Till then, blame the educational system and my schedule.
DisclaiMerS: Not mine.
-----------------------
Celibacy
Chapter 10: On Letting Go
/No strings attached./
And it was like, what?! The umpteenth date since last Friday. That very day wherein Kaede called him and told him the harshest phrase he ever heard in his life.
/No strings attached./
Sure. He's Sendoh Akira, after all. Wasn't he used to that kind of relationship? It comes with the package, along with naming lizards and counting cracks. Yeah, he's used to it. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, bye-bye! Of course, he's used to that!
"Pencils. Happy happy pencils."
/No strings attached./
Sure. He's the expert. No strings at all. Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. Sex. Bye-bye. The expert alright.
"Fuck the pencils. We're a first-class ad company. What the hell should people do with pencils?"
/No strings attached./
Yeah, he's used to it. But it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted strings this time, and he's not talking about nylon, cotton whatever-ton string there is. He's talking about love. His love.
"Pencils are used for the advancement of education."
"Bullshit."
"What do you think, Sendoh-kun?"
/No strings attached./
Was it supposed to hurt this much?
"Sendoh-kun?"
/No strings attached./
*poke*
/No strings attached./
*poke* *poke*
/No strings-/
"Goddamit, who poked?" Sendoh hollered. Five new subordinates cowered at the sight of a restless, not to mention grumpy Sendoh. The words 'grumpy' and 'Sendoh' doesn't really suit each other, but what the heck, their boss is downright pissed. They don't know why, though. Maybe his friends know? But they're not talking... they're all hiding behind their folders... hmmm... they wondered why.
Kiyota used ounces of self-control as he cleared his throat. "Sujino poked. You looked preoccupied and these newbies are kinda getting too hot for pencils and whatnot."
Sendoh ran a hand through his unspiked hair and heaved a huge sigh."What the hell do pencils have to do with this meeting?"
"Give-aways," Maki supplied, looking mildly amused at Sendoh's, erm, discomfort. "These five nice young men are sharing their insights about pencils... as give-aways."
"Too cheap," Sendoh snapped.
Maki grinned. "Meeting adjourned."
"Tell us when you have another ideas, folks," Kiyota said as he ushered the five guys out of the conference room. He heard another great sigh. "You've been sighing a lot lately, Sendoh Akira. I wonder why."
Koshino grunted from his chair. "Tightass boyfriend's getting on his nerves."
"Are you talking about Sendoh, or are you talking about Jin?" Mitsui joked.
"Shut up and shove that pencil down your sorry throat," Koshino snapped. He blushed at the mention of Jin's name, though, and Mitsui couldn't help but tease him again. Pretty soon, both men are wrestling on the floor, with Koshino pummeling Mitsui to non-existence.
Sendoh tried hard not to pay attention to the bundle on the floor, or Maki's hidden smirk, or Kiyota's howling laughter. What a sorry bunch of people. He sighed again... because he was sorriest one of them all.
Sure, the great Rukawa Kaede's his boyfriend already. Whoopdedoo. And the pierced guy's colder than Antarctica itself. Damn, what Sendoh would do to bring back that serene smile, that quiet laughter, or that soulful gaze. All he got nowadays were grunts and shoves and monosyllabic, monotonic, mono-whatever words. Sendoh wanted to pound his head on the table once again, just to ease his raging nerves and to mend his battered heart.
History loves to repeat itself sooo much.
Koshino and Mitsui stopped harassing each other on the floor when they heard steady poundings against the oak table.
*bonk**bonk**bonk*
"Should we stop him?" Koshino asked as he pulled himself away from the floor, but not after banging Mitsui's head on the carpeted floor for the last time. Tweety birds flew around Mitsui's head for a moment before he finally stood up and witnessed Sendoh Akira's ministrations.
Maki stared at the poor, helpless man who was currently bonking his head on the hard oak wood and shook his head. "Nah. Leave him to his own misery. His head'll hurt in a short while. He'd stop by then."
*bonk* *bonk*
"What a great pal you are, Mr. I-Got-Laid-Last-Night-by-the-Captain-of-the-National-Team," Kiyota remarked. "So... was he any good?"
"Better than you could ever be." *harrumph*
*bonk*
Ow... that must have hurt. Mitsui smirked from the floor and shook his head. He stared up at Maki, who, at the moment, was grinning like he had the best sex of his entire life. "You look human, Shin. That's a first."
"Geez, thanks very much."
*bonk* *bonk*
"Oi, what about him?" Koshino pointed at the swirly-eyed Sendoh.
*bonk* *bonk* *bonk*
Mitsui carelessly waved a hand in the air and turned to his co-directors. "Leave him alone." Grin. "But honestly, everyone, what do you think of the pencils?"
*BONK!*
"Er... I guess Akira doesn't approve of the pencils." Mitsui scratched his head. "Eh, hehehehe..."
----------------------
'He has no right- I repeat- NO right to look that ADORABLE,' Rukawa Kaede seethed as he sat across his 'boyfriend'.
Ice cream on the nose. Cross-eyed. Tiny pout. Little tongue poking out of kissable lips, trying to lick the little blodge of ice cream away. Not to mention the fact that the absence of the spikes made him look.. yummier. Delectable. Kawaii!
Rukawa sighed. Adorable indeed. His resistance could only hold for so long. He grabbed a table napkin and practically smothered Sendoh's face with it. "There. It's gone."
And dammit, Sendoh *smiled* that kawaii, genki smile, Rukawa wanted to bash his face. "Thank you!"
"It was nothing."
Now, what else could he do? *itch**itch* His ear's itching again. New earrings. A little, dangling black cross with a silver lining. Inside, a tiny word was carved. 'Weiß,' it said. [1]
Sendoh gave him a smile. "Ne, Kaede. That's an adorable earring you got there. Where did you get it? Huh?"
'Stop looking cute,' Rukawa wanted to snap. "Megumi-neechan. Lost another bet."
Yet again, that bastard (as far as Rukawa was concerned) yet again smiled. "You two seemed to be very fond of bets."
Rukawa shrugged and twirled his spoon around his melting ice cream. "Whatever."
Sendoh would have bawled right then and there, if it wasn't for his divine patience. Rukawa's been so cold. Sure, they started to go out since Friday, but damn if the walking popsicle stick smiled already. Sendoh had never felt so alone in his life. His smiles couldn't breach that stupid barrier system anymore. All Rukawa could give him are cold stares and snappy words. He thought love was supposed to be a good thing. Better than the feeling celibacy has brought... or so he thought. Yeah, sure, he's been trying to search for a meaningful existence. He thought he found it already when he made Rukawa smile.
He turned his back on everything, just for Rukawa. Now, looking at the stoic boy in front of him, he wondered if it was all worth it.
Love wasn't supposed to hurt this much.
Rukawa, on the other hand, was on the verge of bawling himself. No strings attached, my ass. He wondered if he could hold on any longer. The times he spent with Sendoh are the best times of his life. The hardest too, since he was trying so damn hard to push the fuzzy feelings away. Damn, it was so scary for him. He's falling... falling... falling. He's falling hard and fast. He's afraid no one's there to catch him. It was a scary feeling, falling in love.
And so, right now, with that pout, Sendoh very much resembled a pecking duck, but he looked so adorable, Rukawa wanted to huggle him then and there. Hmmm.. wonder what Sendoh was thinking about? Why was he pouting oh, so cutely? He wanted to find out.
Rukawa nudged the thinking boy. "Want another ice cream, Sendoh?"
"Huh? Oh? No, this is fine with me," Sendoh replied as he wondered what the hell happened to 'Akira'. He looked at the beautiful man in front of him and saw a tiny spot of ice cream right beside Rukawa's lower lip. He wiped it off without a thought. Rukawa's heart suddenly wanted to burst out of its ribcage. Sendoh smiled, a little bit achingly.
He never knew what he could do to Rukawa.
Sheesh, if he only knew. It would put an end to his misery.
"Ne, Kaede, want to see a movie?"
"No."
Ouch.
"Want to go out and see the sunset?"
"No."
Double ouch.
"What do you want to do, then?"
Heh, if he only knew. Rukawa wanted to run away from that warm gestures, those handsome smiles, those thoughtless actions. Rukawa wanted to get away from Sendoh Akira. The mere presence of the man was scaring him, goddamit. He felt as if he was falling hard from the sky, and he was afraid no one would be there to catch him.
He sighed. Why is it all so complicated?
/The only thing complicated about your situation is that you're too scared to be happy. What's worse is the fact that even though we practically raised you, we don't even know why!/
Megumi's harsh words suddenly invaded his thoughts. Why, indeed? Why was he scared to be happy? Honestly, he doesn't know. It was like he wanted to reach out to somebody, yet, he couldn't. He was like /that/, as far as he could remember. Why didn't anyone try to change him while it wasn't too late? He's twenty-five years old now. It's too late for him to change his views. He's been scared to reach out for as long as he could remember, and no one, not even himself, bothered to do a thing about it.
And now look at him. He's a wreck.
"Kaede? Are there any problems?" Sendoh asked as he held Rukawa's hand in his.
A chill ran down Rukawa's spine. He jerked his hand away from Sendoh's and turned away. He didn't see that brief flash of pain reflected in Sendoh's deep blue eyes.
"Oi! Kitsune! Sendoh! Fancy meeting you here!"
Great. Just great.
"What are you doing here, 'ahou?" Rukawa snapped as Sakuragi plopped down on the empty chair beside Rukawa.
"Hello to you, too, cousin," Sakuragi greeted as he playfully pulled Rukawa's dangling ear.
Which earned him a square hit on his pretty face, of course.
Rukawa blew out an irritated sigh and stood up.
"Kaede, where are you going?" Sendoh asked.
"Men's room." With that, he walked away from the two gaping men.
"What's with him?" Sakuragi asked as he rubbed his battered nose.
"You're his cousin. You tell me."
"My, my. So the rumor's true. The ever-smiling Sendoh Akira is indeed grumpy today. And wow," Sakuragi said, "I never thought I'd see the day wherein Sendoh Akira would unspike his hair. You love my cousin-slash-best friend that much? Huh? Huh?"
Sendoh sighed. "Yeah, and I think the Ice Queen's more romantic than that guy."
"He's giving you a hard time?"
"Understatement of the century, man." Sendoh shifted in his chair and stared at Sakuragi straight in the eye. "Why's he like that?"
"Hell, I don't know," Sakuragi replied. "He's been like that since we were kids. I'm sure one of my cousins told you that already. I guess some people are just like that [2]. Someone who wants to reach out, yet couldn't. Someone who wanted to be loved, yet at the same time, cringes at the first sign of love. Sheesh, I guess my cousin's one of them. I was thinking someone could pull him out of his own world-"
"And that's me, ne?"
Sakuragi gave Sendoh a strange look. "My, someone's been talking to Kirei-neechan, eh?" Sendoh just gave Sakuragi a blank stare. "Yes, that would be you. Kaede changed since he met you."
"Sorry, Sakuragi, but I think you got the wrong person," Sendoh said in a defeated tone.
"The hell do you mean by that?"
"He's colder than ever, he doesn't smile anymore, he avoids my touches as if I'm the carrier of the plague itself, and he f****** doesn't notice my cute smiles and my adorable antics!" Sendoh finished in an exasperated shout. Hmm... Good thing Rukawa's in the men's room, trying to intimidate the mirror with his icy glares. "Let's face it. Kaede could never love me."
"So that's it?" Sakuragi taunted. "You're gonna give up, just like that?" Sakuragi made a face. "Man, I gave you more credit. For a short time there, I thought you're something else. I thought you're good for that good-for-nothing fox. Hell, and you're just gonna give up on him? Hell! I mean it, man! Hell!"
"That's easy for you to react like that 'coz you're not the one who's in love with a damn grecian statue," Sendoh muttered. "I have better chances with Apollo or Adonis. Hmp."
"Quit pouting, dammit. And I'd rather drown myself in a sewerage than fall in love with Kaede," Sakuragi declared. "You didn't push hard enough. No sexual innuendos included, of course. I mean, just... be cute and adorable! I'm pretty sure he's not taking a piss at the men's room right now. He's probably trying to fight his, uh, urges for you. If I'm not mistaken he's there to 'clear his mind,' as Min-kun would put it, if he's here."
"I'm telling you, man, he doesn't notice me at all!"
"Then flap your arms and fly around the damn place!" Sakuragi snapped. "Sing a song, tapdance, imitate a freakin' dodo bird, clap your heels together, whatever! If I'm not mistaken, someone told my cousin once that little things could make people happy. Last time I checked, my cousin's still a 'person'. Little things could make him happy, too, you know. Try doing small, heartfelt things."
"Are you sure you're Sakuragi Hanamichi?" Sendoh warily asked.
Sakuragi almost banged his head on Sendoh's. "Dammit! Give me more credit, will ya? If it weren't for me and my antics, Rukawa Kaede would long be drowning himself into oblivion!"
Sendoh studied the man in front of him. True. Yep. Rukawa would probably be lost without this loud man. Either that, or Rukawa would probably be much more sane. Sendoh doesn't know. But what he does know is that this arrogant, boisterous man in front of him cares for Rukawa very, very much. That's all there is to know.
"Loving Kaede is a very tiring activity," Sendoh muttered.
"Yeah, but if you're able to melt all that layers of ice, it would be worth it," Sakuragi shot back.
"I don't know how to melt his ice."
Sakuragi grinned... much like that devilish grin he had when Sendoh first met him at the supermarket. "Just be cute."
Sendoh almost doubled over. "Cute?"
"Yeah, cute," Sakuragi affirmed. "I'll tell you what." Sakuragi motioned for Sendoh to get closer and grinned ferally when the latter did. "I'll tell you a secret."
Sendoh's ears perked. "A secret?"
"Yeah, a secret." Sakuragi leaned in closer and whispered, "Kaede lo~oves cute things."
*blink* "He does?"
Sakuragi nodded. "Very much. Don't tell him I told you, though. He'll kill me. I betcha he doesn't even know it yet, but cute things make him go weak in the knees. He hates it when that happens. "
And in strolled the prince of North and South Pole. "Oi, 'ahou, don't you have anything better to do?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," Sakuragi easily replied. "I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone, so I could go see my Nobu, okay?"
"Whatever."
Sakuragi sneered. "You need to get laid."
Sendoh sputtered. Rukawa snorted. "You need a life."
Sakuragi stood up and waved carelessly. "Oh I do have a life, cousin dearest. A good one at that. What about you?" And he walked away.
'What about you?' Rukawa mimicked in his thoughts. as he watched his cousin's retreating figure. 'Life, my ass. Why don't you put your miserable feet in my shoes, see if you can say that again, huh? Life, my ass.'
"Ne, Kaede, are you alright?"
'Alright, my ass. Stop being cute.'
Sendoh pouted. He looked cute when he did that.
"I said stop being cute!"
"Huh?"
-------------------------
"What's that?"
Smile. "A cute, adorable wittle bunny?"
"I know that," Rukawa snapped. "What the hell am I gonna do with 'a cute, adorable wittle bunny'?"
Grin. "Huggle it?"
"Do'aho." Rukawa walked away, leaving Sendoh with a fallen smile and a broken heart (yet again).
The carnival is a stupid idea, as far as Rukawa was concerened. People are everywhere, and the noise, the activities, the laughter, the smiles, the plushies are all getting on his nerves. The plushies are cute, though, and the one which Sendoh Akira was holding out to him was cuter than any other plushy.
Sendoh's hopeful smile was cuter, though. And his fallen face wasn't. Sure, he knew for a fact that he'd been hurting Sendoh's feelings everytime they went out together, but he couldn't help but distance himself away. He had to protect himself because no one else would.
*sigh* Loving Sendoh Akira is a difficult activity. He had to protect himself from all those cute-ness. Dammit.
He was about to tell Sendoh that he wanted to go home when he found no Sendoh beside him. He looked around and found the man still standing where he left him. The *pink* usagi was dangling from his left hand as he stood there with a forlorn expression.
Cute. He looked cute with that starry eyes, that irresistible pout and that *pink* bunny.
Rukawa found himself walking towards the cute Sendoh Akira and grabbed the *pink* bunny from him. "There, I got it. Thank you. Now, are you happy?"
Sendoh's eyes sparkled as he threw an arm around Rukawa's waist and gave the latter a quick kiss on his cheeks. "Yes, thank you!"
Needless to say, Rukawa was blushing like an overheated teapot. That is, if overheated teapots blush.
"Why are you frowning, Kaede?" Sendoh asked with a blink.
Rukawa was thoughtful for a moment. Should he, or should he not voice out his distress to the cute man beside him? "The bunny's *pink*." Yep, he did.
"But it's cute, ne?"
"It looks stupid."
It was another 'ouch' for Sendoh. Before he could react, someone glomped him from behind with a loud, 'Hello~o!' Only one person has that high-pitched, happy voice.
"Kawaii usagi! Lemme huggle!"
"No."
"Come on, just once, 'niichan!"
"What the hell are you doing here, anyway, Shinri?" Rukawa snapped as he disentangled his sister from his boyfriend. "It's eight o'clock in the evening, you should be in bed. Who the hell told you you can get out of the house? Go home, you little twerp. Do you even know what kind of danger lurks in the night during this hour?"
Shinri rolled her pretty eyes. "I'm not alone, 'niichan. I'm with my boyfriend."
Sendoh doesn't know which face was cuter. Rukawa's shocked face (slitted eyes turned wide, pouty lips parted) or Shinri's indignant one (large eyes slitted, full lips in a straight, determined line).
"Your WHAT?!"
Sendoh blinked. Uh oh... big brother Kaede rivalled Zeus in all his glorious fury at this moment. Sendoh hid a smile. He never thought Rukawa could be a tad overprotective.
"Boyfriend, 'niichan," Shinri repeated.
"Who the hell told you you could have a boyfriend at eighteen?!" Glorious fury indeed.
"Who told me I can't?" Shinri retorted.
"*I'm* telling you that you can't," Rukawa snapped.
"Oniichan! I'm not a kid anymore!"
"Could have fooled me."
It was time for Sendoh to interrupt. "Kaede, I think Shinri's old enough to think for herself."
Rukawa fumed. "Stay out of this, Sendoh. This is between my sister and me."
It was like a slap on Sendoh's face.
"Don't be mean to Akira-niichan!" Shinri exclaimed. "And stay out of my way, too! Just because you're too scared to be happy doesn't mean I get to cower in front of love, too. I know love when it hits me in the face, oniichan. I'm not scared to love, and I love my boyfriend."
It was like a slap on Rukawa's face. In an instant, the bouncy girl vanished right in front of Rukawa's eyes, replaced with a woman who was old enough to decide for her own. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and saw Sendoh's pained, yet smiling face. "She's not your little girl anymore, Kaede. Let her go. Let her be happy."
Rukawa drew in a strained breath. "We'll talk about this later, Shinri. Go ahead now."
Shinri blew out a sigh of relief and kissed Rukawa and Sendoh softly before going to her boyfriend. "I'll see you later then, Kaede-niichan."
Rukawa watched as Shinri walked away from him. It was as if he was losing another person in his life, and it was painful. Sendoh was right. Shinri's old enough to live her own life. Sure, she's a bit of an airhead, and a bit too happy for anyone's own comfort, but yeah, she's old enough. Wise enough.
And yet again, one person walked away from him. Rukawa wondered if Sendoh's gonna be the next.
"She grew up right behind my back," Rukawa muttered.
"One way or another, you have to let them go," Sendoh softly replied. The hand was back on Rukawa's waist but he pulled away.
'Yeah. I always have to let them go,' he thought. 'I wonder if I have to let you go, too.'
Little did he know that Sendoh will be the one who'll do the 'letting go' activity. Sendoh'll do it, alright, because he couldn't take the cold treatment anymore. It hurt enough that he had to act *cute* while inside his heart was breaking. Where did the other Rukawa go? The one who held the shell with gentleness and a warm smile? Where was the laughing, smiling, open Rukawa? He wanted that Rukawa, not this one.
This one was bent on hurting him till he cried.
He loved Rukawa with all his heart, but he couldn't- wouldn't- settle for this kind of relationship. It hurt too much.
'I guess it's time for me to let go,' Sendoh thought. With a heavy heart, he pulled Rukawa towards a secluded spot and positioned himself in front of the cool, cool gaze. "We need to talk, Kaede."
"What about?"
No more being cute. No more wooing. No more dates. No more... shit, this would hurt Sendoh more than anything... no more Kaede. "Kaede... do you love me?"
Rukawa couldn't be more surprised. I do, he wanted to say. "Do I have to?" he asked, instead.
"This isn't working." It was a pained whisper.
"I knew that from the start." Yeah, Rukawa did. Right from the *very* start.
Sendoh studied Rukawa once again. He took his damned sweet time, knowing that it would be the last. Rukawa's silver cross earring glittered under the moonlight, and for a moment Sendoh studied it.
A cross. Two lines overlapping, crossing paths. Entwined. Destined to be together, for all time.
"I'm breaking up with you, Kaede," Sendoh said. 'And it hurts.'
Silence hung in the air.
"Fine."
No, it wasn't fine. It hurt.
"I guess that's it," Sendoh said with a small smile. Was he supposed to say, 'It was fun while it lasted'?
"Yeah, that's it."
"I-"
"I'll see you around, Sendoh," Rukawa said before Sendoh said anything else. He gripped the pink bunny tighter as he walked away. It was better that way, him walking away rather than the other way around. He knew he couldn't take it anymore if he saw another person walk away from him, leaving him out in the cold. What was that Sendoh was about to say? I'm sorry? I was miserable with you? I hate you? I'm sad? Whatever it is, he wouldn't know.
"I love you," Rukawa mouthed softly. But Sendoh wouldn't know that either. He shoved his hand into his pocket and felt the shell. No, Sendoh wouldn't know.
He didn't see Sendoh standing there, with a single tear falling down his cheek.
He didn't see Sendoh mouth the words that he was suppoed to say earlier.
Rukawa didn't see, so he would never know that Sendoh was supposed to say 'I love you.'
There are some things that Rukawa would never know, but there are also some things that Sendoh would never know.
For one, Sendoh would never know that Rukawa was crying while he was walking away.
/No strings attached./
It was better that way.
*********
tsu.zu.ku
*********
[1] Couldn't resist... ^_^; Shinri's gonna react on this one, I just know it. Hwehehehe... I want my own Weiss earring, dammit! Where do I get one? Huh? Huh?
[2] Unfortunately, there *are* some people who are like that. People who are too proud and too scared to reach out. It's stupid, really, but hey, people like that exist.
I guess that's it for chapter ten. Okay.. so scratch that 'back with a vengeance' part. I don't know how fast I'll be updating this fic, but I do know that I'm going to finish this because I *hate* leaving things undone.
For now, take care, everybody, and thank you all. You know why, ne? ^_^
aki