Lord Asriel began his dance, his hips swaying hypnotically in such a way that caused Lyra to half-climax right there. "Stayin' Alive" blared through the speakers (or something), and Ozzie struck a pose like something out of Saturday Night Fever (which Lyra had obviously never seen, because this would be a blatant – anachronism? Anuniverseism?), two fingers pointed at an angle towards the ceiling, two pointed at the floor in Lyra's general direction.

He then performed a series of incredible feats. He began the dance with his feet shuffling back and forth in tune with his finger movements, out-in-out-in-out-in (Lyra was getting hornier by the second), but soon the feet seemed to be moving on their own accord, and Ozzie took his focus off his hands and solely toward his feet, and then they were moving faster, faster (oh!), and then Lord Asriel spread his legs out so he was almost touching the ground, placing one arm on top of the other like a genie which Lyra had also never heard of...

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, stayin' alive, stayin' alive..."

Ozzie plopped to the floor in an Indian-style position, then he was back on his feet dancing, Indian-style, dancing...up, down, up, down, feet moving so fast that Lyra's eyes saw only a blur, so it appeared that his feet were in a million different places at once. The Godmother, The Father, The Daughter, The Second-Cousin-Twice-Removed, and the rest of the family had entered the room and were watching in silent awe.

A random, afro-adorned female servant had joined Ozzie on the dance floor, and the pair were performing the Indian-style move together, except on each up-motion they clasped each other's arms and fell back to the ground. The Family were all stamping their feet in rhythm with the beat; the Bee Gees had never expected to be the soundtrack to such a beautiful moment.

But of course, Lyra didn't know who the Bee Gees were.

"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Oh, oh, oh, oh, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—"

The entire family were dancing, the Godfather and Godmother with the crooks of their elbows locked, passing in turn under the arms of the Steward and Stewardess, who were frottaging kneeling on the floor in between choruses, who were being looked upon with disgust by the Daughter, who was shaking her butt so low to the ground that the ants were setting off air-raid sirens, who was being looked upon with sexual arousal by the Father, who had his own set of problems that we won't discuss here.

"Life going nowhere, somebody help me, help me get theeeyre..."

The Family and Ozzie had started a sort of conveyor belt on the dance floor, one of them going around or under or above another and the person behind them then preparing to do the same. As the song ended, the conveyor belt sped up faster and faster until the last note sounded and all of them fell to their knees, raising their arms in a V-shape towards Lyra (even though they didn't know she was there). Ozzie stayed standing in the middle, not a hair on his head even slightly out of place despite the assortment of physically impossible moves he had just completed. Lyra thought she saw two Girl Scouts (which she—oh, forget it) fighting behind her – they were breaking chairs over each others' heads and everything! But when she blinked, she realized the author had just wanted to insert an Airplane! reference. Erm, I mean, that she had hallucinated.

Lyra had an orgasm.

The Family, enervated, got slowly to their respective feet, staring at Lord Asriel with unwilling acceptance. "We better give him the funding," they all said at once, in an incredibly cheesy effect.

"Dank ya' real much," responded Lord Asriel II. "Lop some boogie."

"Ugh, that head was freaky," said the Step-Grandmother.

"But that bit about the panserbjorne...so true," said the Mother-in-Law. "And Dust indeed produces such an effect with presented with a pulvisensitive emulsion."

"And that city in the Aurora!" cried the Godmother, clasping her hands together in delight. "I think I saw a Nordstrom!"

Somewhere amidst this dialogue (which is necessary to provide transition), Lyra fell asleep, only to awaken what seemed like minutes later when Ozzie's head peeped through the crack.

"Were ya' spoonin' de co'pse?" he spoke, laughter in his voice, and Lyra hurriedly extricated herself from the lifeless arms.

"Ozzie, you were amazing," Lyra said, exiting the closet and shutting the door as Pantalaimon tried to climb out as well. She jumped on him, wrapping her legs around his body. "I got off just watching you."

They began to kiss hungrily as the darkening of the screen (A/N: What screen? What?) let the viewers (er, readers) know that it was time for another NC-17 scene.

- - - -

Wait, I forgot to give Lord Asriel a dæmon. Well, he has one.

- - - -

The Godfather and the Father were best friends, had killed many people together, and it was their habit, after a difficult episode, to go hit up an Italian restaurant, claim a booth, and drink enough Merlot to numb the pain.

"I can't believe they were able to eliminate our flunkies," said the Godfather, eating some stereotypical Italian dish such as fettuccini or another pasta with lots of c's in it.

"I'm really going to miss Flunky #1," agreed the Father sadly. "Flunky #2, however, had this lazy eye that annoyed the hell out of me."

"So...uh...are we gonna 'hit' anyone tonight, boss?" asked the Father.

"Today is a very solemn occasion," said the Godfather in that gangster voice that you may find in, well, The Godfather. "Let us spend the rest of this dinner in quiet contemplation of what we have lost. Oh, and Lyra is going to fall in love with a boy named Will, stop the Dust from flowing out of the worlds, unite Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter in their love for her, kill God, and go to St. Sophia's School for Young Girls."

The Father looked at him strangely.

"But only if we don't tell her," said the Godfather. Otherwise, we will all turn into pseudosentient robots without the slightest bit of self-awareness."

"Um, Godfather? She's sitting right there," said the Father, pointing to the seat next to the Godfather, where Lyra and Pan were indeed staring intently at the kingpin.

"Oh, right. I invited her here on a date with me," said the Godfather.

"And he got me these $300,000 earrings!" added Lyra, beaming.

"Well, I guess that's all the more reason to live it up while we can," said the Father, downing another $300 bottle of Merlot.