Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the plot and anything you don't recognise.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel.
Chapter thirteen: Reality.
Ron anxiously paced up and down next to the bed Hermione and Ginny were sitting on. He threw another glance over at Harry who was sleeping in the bed next to them. He paused, opened his mouth as if to say something, shook his head and continued pacing.
"Ron will you stop pacing!" snapped Ginny irritably. Ron nodded and sat down on the bed.
"I'm sorry." He said distractedly. He sat there for a minute before standing up and beginning to pace again.
"Ron!" Ginny snapped again. He nodded and stopped. Before he could start again Ginny jumped off the bed and put her hands on his shoulders. "Ron, relax. I know you're nervous about this, we all are, but Harry's strong, Ron, he'll cope." Despite her calm demeanour Ron could tell that she was equally nervous. She had used his name four times now.
Ron opened his mouth to say something but they heard a groan and movement coming from the other bed. Three heads swivelled in the direction of it.
Harry was sitting up in his bed, bleary eyed. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
"Guys?"
"Hey Harry." Said Ron. He hid his nervousness in front of his best friend. Harry yawned again.
"Jesus, Ron, you spend so much time in here, you sure you don't want Madam Pomfrey to set you up a bed?" Ron laughed.
"No mate, I just figured I'd take you back to our dorm." For a second the sentence didn't sink in and Harry continued rubbing his eyes and then,
"What?" He exclaimed. Ron grinned.
"Yep. Madam Pomfrey reckons you're on the road to recovery; either that or she's getting sick of looking after you. As it is, that's our job now." Hermione rolled her eyes at his statement. That was so typical of Ron. Hiding his true fears behind a joke so no one would guess he was scared. Sometimes it was annoying, like when he needed comfort but no one knew that he did. Other times, like now, it was useful. Harry wouldn't know that Ron was nervous and so he wouldn't be unnerved.
"Anyway," said Ginny stepping forward, "We've got to take you back to Gryffindor tower. Is there anything you need doing?" Harry shook his head.
"I'll just get changed then we can go." The three of them nodded and gave him some privacy. Ron and Hermione went to see Madam Pomfrey. They knocked on the door of her office.
"Madam Pomfrey?" said Ron, opening it slightly and peering in.
"Yes?" Ron opened the door fully and they stepped in.
"Harry's woken up. We'll take him back to Gryffindor tower." She nodded.
"Very well. Just remember what I said. Also if there are any drastic problems then let me know immediately, don't try to handle them on your own, doing so could hinder his recovery rather than helping it. Oh and here you go." She reached up onto a shelf and him a bottle of Dreamless Sleep potion. "One spoonful on alternative nights to begin with. As the bouts of insanity become less and less serious limit the dosage to once every three or four days and finally once a week. I am trusting you, Mr Weasley and Miss Granger, so don't mess around with it. Do you understand?" They nodded seriously. "Ok, go on with you then." They thanked her and walked out to where Harry and Ginny were waiting.
"Ready?" Ron asked, Harry nodded. "Come on then." Hermione stopped them,
"Before we go, Harry, we just want to warn you that there may be a bit of hostility towards you or people muttering about you, just ignore it and let us handle it. Understand?" He nodded.
"Yeah."
"Good." She said happily, "Let's get you back then." They walked out of the hospital wing, Hermione and Ron on either side of Harry, their hands in their pockets, clutching their wands tightly.
The hospital wing corridor was deserted. Ron was grateful for that. It meant that Harry could get used to being outside the hospital wing without people staring at him.
They turned a corner and descended a set of stairs. Ron's chest tightened, he could see people standing at the bottom. He stepped closer to Harry and on the other side Hermione did aswell. One of the people at the bottom looked up and saw Harry. She fell silent and nudged her friend. Her friend looked up aswell. Soon the whole group was staring at Harry, who was looking down at the floor anxiously.
The group suddenly broke out in mutters and scattered, presumably to tell their friends. Ron felt Harry tremble next to him.
"Come on, mate, it'll be ok. Just ignore them." He said quietly. Nevertheless he began to walk faster. They turned another corner and entered one of the main corridors in the school. Ron swore under his breath, the whole place was filled with people. He cast a sideways glance at Harry and swore again. Harry was pale and sweating. He was shaking uncontrollably and looked terrified.
Making a snap decision, Hermione pulled him into an empty classroom. Ron and Ginny followed her. Hermione placed her hands on Harry's shoulders.
"Harry, calm down. Just relax for a minute. Look at me. Harry, look at me." Hermione lifted Harry's head and forced him to look at her. "Calm down. Ignore everyone out there. They're irrelevant. Just concentrate on us three and getting back to Gryffindor tower. Ok? Good, come on." Hermione opened the door and pulled Harry out if it before he could protest.
As they walked down the corridor there was an outbreak of muttering and a good deal of hostile looks directed at Harry. Ron's glares soon sorted those out.
It was the same all the way back to the Gryffindor tower. Ron and Hermione guiding Harry along and muttering words of encouragement to him while glaring at the people whispering and shooting hostile looks at him. Ginny walked behind them, her wand held casually in her hand.
Eventually they reached Gryffindor tower. Ron had never been so glad to see the Fat Lady. She smiled broadly at Harry and welcomed him back warmly. Harry smiled slightly and regained some of his battered confidence. Ron, Hermione and Ginny all shot the Fat Lady extremely grateful smiles.
Ron took a deep breath and gave the password to the Fat Lady. She nodded and swung open. Ron felt slightly faint. This was it. They stepped into the Gryffindor common room.
The reaction was instantaneous and the complete opposite of what Harry had just been forced to cope with outside.
People began cheering loudly when he stepped through the portrait hole. Several people ran over to him grinning broadly. Other people stood in the background cheering and yelling out their support.
Dean Thomas ran over to Harry and held out his hand. Harry shook it and Dean grinned at him.
"Harry, mate, I'm with you all the way on this. I never did like Fudge. If you thought he needed to die then he needed to die." Seamus appeared next to him.
"Yeah Harry, you've taken us this far and haven't gone wrong yet. Fudge was getting in the way and even I could see that. You haven't done anything wrong. Fudge was a fool who needed to die. Only you had the guts to do it." Harry grinned at the support from his friends.
"Thanks guys. It's good to know that you're on my side." The old Harry shone through and Ron could have collapsed with relief. He turned to Hermione and she smiled and slipped an arm around his waist. They watched people give their support to Harry and they watched Harry slowly come out of the shell he had been in on the way from the hospital wing.
"He's got the whole house on his side." Ron said to her quietly, "I reckon he's got a chance in this." Hermione nodded.
"Of course he has. What he has had to live through will have forced his brain to build some very strong mental shields around itself. Until now no one could have known how strong. This is the telling point. But with the support of the whole house he has got a chance. He's surprised people before, I have a feeling he'll do it again."
-
It was nearly midnight and the whole house was quiet. The five boys in the fifth year dormitory were sitting on their beds talking. Although Harry was reluctant to talk the other four wouldn't let him stay quiet and forced him to engage in the conversations.
Eventually, they all decided that they wanted to go to sleep. Ron took a deep breath, this was the bit he had been dreading.
"Boys, put silencing charms around your beds." Ron instructed Neville, Dean and Seamus. The three of them looked puzzled and refused. Harry pulled the covers up to his chin and closed his eyes, trying to block out the conversation that was going on. He had known that it would come down to this. He was terrified of having to fight to stay sane in front of his dorm mates, terrified that it would make them think he was crazy and that they would desert him, leave him to fight his battles alone.
He began to twist and turn, already trying to fight off the thoughts that were tormenting him. He fought not to cry out.
"Just do it!" Ron demanded.
"Why?" protested Seamus.
"Jesus! What's wrong with Harry, Ron?" Dean interrupted. Ron looked over and swore.
"Shit." He ran over to Harry's bed. "Harry, come on mate, calm down." He looked up at the other three boys who looking over at them worriedly. "Ever since what happened at the Ministry he's been suffering from bouts of insanity. Apparently they're extremely disturbing. Put silencing charms around your beds so you won't hear them."
"Sod off, Ron, we're Harry's mates aswell, we want to help as much as you do." Ron knew there was no point in arguing so he nodded gratefully.
"Cheers." Harry stopped tossing around and looked up.
"Ron?" He said weakly. Ron smiled down at him.
"Yeah mate."
"I'm sorry." Ron laughed reassuringly.
"Don't be, mate." Harry wouldn't look at the other three boys. He closed his eyes and tried to forget what just happened. He heard Ron turn the lights off and get into bed.
As hard as he tried he not to he couldn't resist opening his eyes. It was almost immediate, the darkness swarmed over him. He sat up quickly and tried to control his breathing. He felt his heart rate increase and tried to relax. He looked around quickly. He felt the darkness pushing at his mental barriers and tried to fight back. He closed his eyes but opened them almost immediately, he could detect someone else in the room, someone apart from the other four boys. He strained to hear if any of them were awake, he could hear the gentle breathing. He was the only one left awake. He looked around again, knowing he would see him again, praying he would not.
And there he was, by the door. Standing there, nothing but a silhouette, but the knife held high above his head. The waves of insanity continued to batter his weakened defences and he fought to stay in control, not to cry out.
He took another step forward. The knife held out in front of him now, then another step, this time the knife held out to the side.
Then Harry felt the darkness take him. He felt that urge to laugh as the figure continued taking steps towards him, the knife never in the same place twice. The insanity washed over him, drowning out all reality.
Then he couldn't help it. He had to laugh. An insane laugh that echoed off the walls. He watched the figure with the knife draw closer and laughed. It all seemed so funny. He was about to die and all he could do was laugh. There was only freedom. No fear, no hate. Just freedom. He felt the insanity wash over his mind and laughed louder.
The man with the knife drew closer; the knife was staying in the same position now, held high above his head. Harry remembered the pain from the torturing as the knife pierced his skin, but there was no fear, only freedom and the desire to laugh as he waited for the knife to pierce his skin.
The insane laugh burst from his lips again, the figure with the knife almost next to Harry. The darkness had taken his mind and he was lost in the insane freedom that accompanied it.
From somewhere nearby he heard someone yell out,
"Shit, Harry!" He heard them scramble out of bed and run over to him. He laughed at the whole thing.
Ron felt a shiver run through him at that insane laugh. He ran over to Harry and jumped onto his bed. He knelt next to him and began shaking him.
"Harry! Relax, wake up. It's me, Ron!" Harry looked up at him but there was no recognition in his eyes.
"Ron! It's him! He's back again." Ron felt another shiver run down his spine. He heard the other three boys get out of bed and run over to him.
"What's happening?" Seamus asked, fear evident on his face.
"He's insane, oh shit." Ron swore, "Harry, talk to me, mate, come on, talk to me!" Harry laughed.
"He's back again, Ron, I knew it! He never leaves. He's always there, he couldn't finish it first time so he's going to finish now!"
"Who, Harry?" Harry laughed.
"Him. He couldn't finish it first time; he wants to finish it now." Harry sat up and grabbed Ron, "He's right there!" Harry said, laughing insanely and pointing over his bed. Ron took a wild guess.
"Voldemort?"
"No, him."
"The person who tortured you?" Harry laughed again.
"Yes! He wants me dead, I've told him to go but he won't." Suddenly Harry's expression turned fearful and he clutched Ron tighter. "Ron, he's there, he's going to kill me!" Ron held Harry.
"No one's there, mate, it's just me and the boys. Calm down, it'll be all right. It's just me, Seamus, Dean and Neville." Suddenly Harry screamed a terrified, bloodcurdling scream. Ron winced and held his best friend. Suddenly he felt Harry go limp. He was unconscious.
Ron laid him down again. He looked at his face, still terrified. He turned to the other three who were looking on with scared, shocked expressions.
"It's not going to be easy. He's messed up. I'm sorry boys." Ron shook his head and walked over to his bed. Dean laughed, but it was a hollow, empty laugh that conveyed sadness rather than happiness.
"No one said it was going to be easy. Look what he has been through. We'll get him through this so don't apologise." Ron didn't answer and they didn't expect him to. They all knew how much this would take a toll on Ron, Harry's best friend. They would have to support Ron aswell; he would take the brunt of it. He was the one who would have to sit there wand hold Harry as he screamed and laughed in his insanity. He was the one who would have to be there for him all the time. But they knew that Ron would never desert Harry, not in the darkest moments, when it seemed that Harry would never recover, would always be trapped by the darkness that held his mind, they knew that Ron would still be there, talking to his friend, trying to get him through it. That was loyalty. They could only hope to do the same.
-
They all woke the next morning shaken by last night's events. None of them mentioned it. They could all see that Harry could remember what had happened, usually one so good at keeping his emotions in check and his face an expressionless mask, but today his face betrayed it all, the embarrassment, regret, fear, all of it. Conversation was forced and minimal, but always kept well away from the subject.
Harry didn't apologise. He couldn't, and they didn't expect him to. For all the times Harry had looked after them, diving in front of a spell in battle, appearing from nowhere to take over a duel with a Death Eater when it looked certain that they would die, well, it was the least they could do.
-
The day had been hell for Harry, as much as the Gryffindors had rallied around him. The students had created a new hate campaign against him. There were snide comments and spells were shot from behind statues. It had been sheer hell. Everyone was hostile and Harry ended up not saying a word the entire day. Ron and Hermione could see the internal struggle on his face as he fought to keep control. He never looked up. They could see the tears in his eyes and the pain on his face as each comment hit him, his mental barriers providing no resistance. Each comment hit its target with deadly accuracy and each comment hurt him more and more and pushed him even closer to the edge.
Eventually it took the DA, in DA robes, providing escorts to prevent the spells flying at him, and although they could do little to prevent snide remarks and hurtful comments their presence provided some comfort.
By the end of the day Harry was so weak from his ongoing battle for sanity that Ron and Hermione had to walk pressed up against him, their close proximity providing some strength for him and their bodies taking some of his weight.
Finally they got him back to Gryffindor tower and managed to get him sitting down in a chair by the fire with a mug of hot chocolate to replenish his low blood sugar. He looked considerably better having drunk it but would still not look up or talk to them. Eventually Hermione, Ron and Ginny led him over to a seat by the window and Hermione crouched in front of him.
"Will you talk to us Harry? I know you hate it but it really will help. I know you don't want to worry and burden us with your problems but you worry us more by not talking to us. Talking will help; you can get it off your chest and instead of you coping with the problems all on your own we can all help. That's what friends are for." Still Harry said nothing. "Look," said Hermione "Talking will help, it will stop us from worrying. I'm not trying to push you but I need you to understand that. There are two reasons why you're not talking to us. The first is that you don't want to worry or burden us with your problems, the second is that you think you can make us safe by pushing us away from you." Harry looked up slightly and Hermione knew she had hit the spot, "The fact with the former, Harry, is that you worry us more by not talking so you might as well talk-"
"As for the latter," Ron interrupted, "You haven't got a hope in hell so you might as well talk." Ron was grinning at Harry as he said that.
Harry sighed inwardly, he didn't want to talk, Hermione had got both reasons perfectly right, he was scared that they would desert him when they heard what he had been through. He looked up slightly, their faces showed no hesitation, merely honesty and trust. He decided. He would talk.
He leant back against the wall. The three of them looked at each other and back at Harry. They waited patiently for him to begin.
"I'm scared. I'm scared I can't do this. I can't cope with reality anymore, not with all I have been through. The Ministry was hell. The fight wasn't ranged, it was up close, I could feel people shudder and die against me, see their faces, feel their blood. Everything they felt I felt. I watched them shudder and collapse, saw them slip on the blood as they fell, fear on their faces and all I did was continue fighting, continue killing. I felt nothing! Nothing? Do you understand what that means, to fight and kill and see it all and not feel a thing? No remorse, no fear only a will to go on and get it done, to kill the next person until all that remains is you and a pile of dead at your feet?" Once Harry started, the words came out in torrents. He couldn't stop himself; he'd needed to get this off his chest. It had been, literally, driving him insane. Ron, Hermione and Ginny shared a quick, yet hopeful glance, perhaps this would help him recover.
"That's not completely true. I did feel one thing. I felt exaltation. There was a joy in the killing, seeing your enemies die and not you. There was freedom, and power. The power to live and to kill. It was messed up. It messed me up. I felt satisfied as I killed those who were trying to kill me. I felt like I had all the power in the world, the adrenaline was there, I was terrified; terrified of death, but there was that freedom. I want that freedom so badly, I want it again, to forget all that is happening, going insane is the only thing that comes close. It's like drugs, you want more and more after each time it happens. After the fight, after surviving it and seeing all the dead and maimed, after seeing all the blood on the floor, after all that it didn't seem real, it didn't seem as if I could have taken part, could've done any of that. But I had, and it messed me up.
"After we got into the lift, everything became detached, nothing felt real. The lift stopped again and we got out and there was a group of Aurors waiting for us. We charged them and just cut them to pieces. We were all so scared, we were terrified and we just charged and cut them down because of that. We felt no mercy. We hated them for making us scared and so we wanted revenge. We massacred them. We broke through their lines and sprinted for the portkey point. But they ambushed us. One assassin had been killed outside Fudge's office; two were killed in the ambush. Lupin and the other two got to the portkey point, but they hit me with a spell. I told Lupin to get out and he did. But they captured me. They took me down to the torture chambers." Harry paused and leaned back. This was the point he had been dreading. He didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to think about it. He hated all the feelings he felt, fear, hate, remorse. The thought of what happened was hell; it was that which was driving him insane. He leant back further and his face and torso was hidden by the shadows.
"The torture was hell. I'll tell you what he did. First if all he was punching me, barrages of punches that never seemed to stop. Then he would slice half healed wounds open with a knife and squeeze them until it felt like my arm was on fire."
"The man with the knife." Ron said. Harry nodded.
"Yes. That was just to warm up. Then the real torture started after that." Again Harry faltered. Hermione squeezed his hand and he took strength from that. "When he got bored of that he cast a blinding spell on me. I couldn't do a think. He would punch me or stab me and I would never see it coming, I could sometimes hear it but I could never see it. Then he cast another spell, I don't know what it was but all I could hear was white noise, I couldn't see anything or hear anything and it messed me up. I was completely disorientated. At one point I thought I was upside down, I was convinced that I was upside down, the blood was rushing to my head and I was screaming in terror. Then I realised that I wasn't. While I couldn't see or hear anything but white noise he used to walk up and punch me, I had no idea when. I used to sit there waiting for it happen in terror. Sometimes he would punch me once and leave it there, or he would punch me and then wait a few seconds or a minute or whatever, and I would sit there not having a clue whether he would do it again. It was terrifying, sitting there, tense and afraid, crying out for him to stop it. The white noise and blindness is terrifying. You are completely disorientated, you don't know where you are, you can't sense anything. It drives you insane. You just don't know anything. The disorientation is the worst. He would punch and stab me and I would have no idea when it was coming or whether it was going to come again, and then when I was nearly unconscious he would throw ice cold salt water over me, it woke me and burned my wounds. It was hell, sheer hell." At that point he broke down into sobs. Hermione and Ginny put their arms around him, crying softly. Ron sat there with his arm around his best friend, his face white and shell-shocked.
Suddenly Hermione looked up.
"I have an idea. Come with me, Harry." She grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the common room. Ginny and Ron looked on in confusion but didn't interrupt.
She pulled him along the corridors at a run.
"Where are we going?" He asked her as she pulled him along by the hand.
"You'll see." She continued to run, pulling him along. She dragged him up some steps. Harry realised where she was taking him.
"Hermione, this leads to the Astronomy tower!"
"I know." She called back. She led him over to the other side of the Astronomy and turned to him and pointed up at the sky.
"Look!" She exclaimed breathlessly. Harry looked up at where she was pointing, puzzled.
And then his face changed. His expression was stunned. A kind of shocked sadness, but happiness inside it.
"Sirius." He said softly, staring up at the bright star shining down on him.
"Yes, Sirius. Would he want you to go through all this? Would he want you to give up? No. he's watching over you, Harry. He always has and will never stop. Don't give up. Just for him, don't give up." Harry was silent for a few moments. His expression peaceful. He smiled softly.
The breeze swirled around them, a calming sound. The night air was fresh and the sky starry and clear. For a moment, in a war torn time, just for a moment there was pure peace.
There was calmness all around them, the sound of the wind whistling over the lake, the stars a pattern of lights upon it. There was silence and calmness. Harry smiled, and for the first time, there was peace in the only remaining hero's heart, he was one of the final heroes of the time, the last of a dying race, and yet, amongst all the hate, fear and war, which he was in the middle of, he was the centre of, amongst the killing, the torture and the fighting, there was peace. No more than a few moments, but there was peace.
He smiled at Hermione, and she smiled back. It was a smile full of trust and love and at that point he felt that there could be nothing wrong with the world. He looked up at the Sirius star and frowned slightly.
"Are you sure that's it?" It's the wrong time of year." Hermione laughed softly.
"Since when did Sirius obey the rules? He's breaking them yet again, just for you Harry. He's breaking all the rules of the universe just to help you get through this. He loves you Harry and would break every rule of man and god for you. And he has done. Get through this Harry, for him." Harry smiled at her, mirroring her earlier smile. She was captivated by it; she stared into his open, honest eyes, and loved him more. She threw her arms around him and swore to do whatever it took to keep him safe. She loved him more then ever, like a younger sister adores her elder brother.
"Come on, Harry. Let's go back to the common room."
That night, for the first time in a while, he didn't have to fight off any insanity. He had recovered. He had fought it and won.
A/N Sorry this is a day late. There is a bug going around school, it's that time of the year, and unfortunately I caught it and was sick for a few days. But I have recovered.
Next chapter will be out in about a week. This is pretty much the end of Harry's insanity, but not the complete end. He has pretty much recovered, but there is still a bit to go. There will be HP/CC next chapter.
Thanks to all who reviewed.
Dragon Swords Master – Thanks for the reviews. Dammit! Damn! I meant to write Narcissa… Damn. Good spot! I'll have to replace the chapter…Will I lose the reviews if I do? Anyway that's a really good spot. Hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless. Thanks for pointing that out.
FSI - Thanks for the review.
Aizan19 - Thanks for the review. More news of Voldemort soon.
Goddess Usagi - Thanks for the review. I hate jetlag! It messes you up! It actually took me a week to get that chapter out! I would have been chuffed if it was just a few days! Anyway, where did you go overseas? I'm glad this fic keeps getting better. It's nice to receive comments like that so thanks!
Colm - Thanks for the review.
The Enchantresses - Thanks for the review. No, he's not going to stay insane.
HoshiHikari - Thanks for the review. It gets better!
ArkMage - Thanks for the review.
El Permenente - Thanks for the review. Thanks, I enjoy receiving comments like that, it makes all the writers block worth it! Now you know who the man with the knife is, interesting idea Draco, unfortunately not the right one! Well, at least you won't be being bugged anymore. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.
The Phoenix King - Thanks for the review. More Harry/Cho coming up!
Keep reading and reviewing 'cos I'll keep writing.
Fireboy