Chapter 8

I Needed You To Stay

Casey had been hard to deal with. She had become so bitter lately, and George and Nora had noticed. They didn't know of her and Derek's relationship, however so breif, and he was thankful for that everyday. He was terrified to know what they might say. But Casey made it obvious that there was a terrible falling out, and Derek knew that the parents had already spent a great deal time trying to figure out exactly what that falling out had been.

He shivered as he took a step out of his car and walked into the hospital parking lot. Laine was back there, he thought with worry as he ran in. He ran to her room, and almost cried when he saw her. As much as it hurt him to say it- she looked like the living image of death.

He had gotten a phone call from her best friend, Kayla only a half an hour ago. From what the sixteen year old girl could tell him in her panicked voice, the two had gone to look for dresses for the schools winter formal. When they returned back to Laine's house, she seemed tired and put on her jacket, and calmly asked Kayla to drive her to the hospital. On the way Laine had seen a stray dog, and she demanded that Kayla pull over. Derek had smiled. That was so like Laine, to put others before her, even in the worst of situations. As soon as Laine had stepped out of the car, she hti the ground.

The ambulance had brought her here, and from what Derek could gather, she was stable, no better and no worse than she had been before. They had no explanation for why she had gotten so violently ill so quickly. Derek had gotten more bitter towards the doctors lately. It seemed like they never had an answer for anything these days.

He approached her bed quietly, tip toeing care full not to wake her. He sat down on an uncomfortable chair, and grabbed her hand. He jumped when he felt her cool hand against hers. She didn't move. Not even a flinch to signal that she knew he was there with her. Even if she did know, Derek doubted that she would believe it. She had spent so much of her time alone in this hospital. It was at that moment that Derek found the overpowering sensation to just take her and hold her in his arms. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be al right, and that he was there for her, no matter what. He wanted to let her know that he loved her, and that he would do anything for her. Anything to save her from-

No.

He wasn't going to think about that. Now because he didn't think it would happen, but because he knew that his heart couldn't take it. He couldn't bear to think of the hours, minutes, even seconds that he would have to spend without her. Without her smile, or the sweet smell or her hair, or the way that her cheeks blushed when she got mad. And he knew that is Laine died, he would die, too.

He felt a tear roll down his cheek, and in a matter of seconds one tear turned into two, two into three, and three into a sea of muffled sobs. Derek hadn't cried since he was nine years old, and all at one, all those suppressed feelings came to surface. He cried for his mom, and her horrible death, and he cried for himself, and the disease that he had been burdened with, but most of all, he cried for Laine.

It killed him, physically killed him to stand by and watch her beauty parish away as her deseise ate away at her body, soul and mind. But most of all, her spirit.

It seemed like she never laughed anymore. Never smiled or had fun. It seemed like she had lost the will to experience all of the things that made life so much more worth it.

It seemed like she had given up on life.

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Derek sat there for four hours. Just sat there, holding her hand. Listening to the rhythmic beathing of her heart. Listening to her breathed. Inhail, exhail, watching her chest rise and fall, praying that with every fall of the chest, a rise would fallow. There was always darkness before dawn.

He didn't care what those obnoxious moniters beeping in the background said. He could tell, deep, in the pit of his stomach, that she was really sick.

It took him another hour to pry his fingers from hers. He just wanted to stay with her. Is she woke up, and he wasn't there, if the first sight she saw when she opened her eyes was another empty room, he wasn't sure if he could ever forgive himself. But alas, numerous cell phone calls and threats of having his father come down to the hospital to get him home, he had to leave. He just prayed that she stay al right. He prayed that he would be there when she woke up.

But she didn't wake up that night.

Or the next.

Or the next.

Derek thought that he was going to go crazy. He just wanted her to wake up and smile at him and say one of her smart ass jokes. He just wanted everything to be the way it was. The way it was before all this bullshit. He longed not to be sick anymore. He could handle all the chemo and radiation and he could even handle loosing his hair. But what he couldn't handle was the stress that he was putting on hsi family.

He had told Edwin and Marti last night. Lizzie had known for awhile. She had figured it out herself. She was always smart like that, watching and observing. She had just put two and two together. Marti had started crying, not because she was sad and scared, but mostly because she didn't understand. And Edwin? Derek had never seen Edwin like that. He just stared at Derek. Just sat and stared. He had expected him to yell or scream or something. Anything would of been better than that dead stare.

He sat like that for minuted, but every minute that passed felt like an eternity. Derek wanted to leave, but couldn't. Not when his little brother was trying to process the information.

Derek let Ed know that he was going to be fine. (Atleast that he thought he was going to be fine) and that he was telling him because he knew he was going to get better.

And then he left. Just got up and left. And what did Derek do? Instead of going and chasing after his brother he went to his room and sat. Sat and stared.

And that was where he was now. Sitting in his office chair, like he had done so many times before. He was silent and still, and he wasn't getting up. Not to do anything. He heard a knock at the door, and he didn't answer it. This had been happening periodically for the last hour. The person on the other side of the door juggled the lock handle a little bit, and then walked away. He heard the footsteps echo in the hall way.

He sighed as he buried his head in his hands. He was exhausted, not just mentally, but physically and emotionally as well. He just needed to talk, to vent, but his best friend was lying in an unconscious state. He and Sam hadn't talked in weeks. They had been best friends for nearly nine years, and now Derek couldn't bear to be around him. And Casey? God- she couldn't even look at him anymore.

Derek couldn't be positive, but he was pretty sure that when he chose Laine, a part of him changed, and he wasn't sure if that was for the better. She had been acting differently lately, talking and dressing differently. Her school work had fallen behind, which Derek knew that had she been in the right mind, never would of happened. How had he screwed up his life so much?

A tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn't sure why. It seemed like every second of every day, all he felt like doing is crying. Just sobbing. All he wanted to do was for it to end. For it to stop- for good. He stopped, another tears meeting his flesh. All he wanted to do was be with Laine. His love. She wasn't;t going to wake up, he was pretty sure. And when she finally let go, let go of life and the distant thoughts and memories, he would be waiting for her.

He rummaged through his dresser and pulled out a small orange plastic overed razor blade. He had used it a few months ago to cut through piece of drywall. he placed his thumb on a small back button, revealing the heavy blade. He took a deep breath as he pressed it into his arm. It hurt, but no worse than his treatments did, and only for a minute or two.

He watched as his blood, the very thing that sustained him drain out of his body and on the the carpeted floor, staining it a deep maroon. He closed his eyes as a few more tears streamed down his face, but they were not tears of regret. They were tears of joy. Soon, he would see her again.

His breathing grew heavy as his body began to shiver. Suddenly, he was thirsty, ever so thirsty. He tried to move, but he couldn't It was like he had been paralyzed. He found himself slip out of consciousness, the picture of Laine in his mind.

He hit the ground.

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Trust me, it's not what you think. All that is well, ends well.

Read and Review.

Aiden.