A Lack of Color

by four51

Chapter 6. Expo '86 and the Sound of Settling

It's like it snuck up on me.

All the sudden, I had this overwhelming feeling.

And it really, really hurts.

Usually, people say love is a great thing – something that makes you perfectly happy.

All I have to say to them is that they're mindless idiots. Who the hell made love anyway?

I should shoot them.

My heart hurts, my mind hurts, my whole body aches. Why is this happening to me?

It was after work, and I was finishing cleaning my home. It felt good, to be doing something and not just sitting thinking about him.

I was onto my bedroom as he came in.

Just walked right into my apartment acting like nothing was different.

Like I didn't just figure out my feelings toward him.

He went to my desk and sat backwards on the chair, facing my way.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

Jerk. Can't you see I'm in the middle of an emotional struggle?

"Cleaning." My back was to him.

"Duh. Why?"

"Felt like it."

"I was thinking…" he started.

"You do that?" I teased him.

He gave me a face. "Yes, I'll have you know." I chuckled. "About high school."

I turned to him then, surprised. "Why?"

"Just came to mind."

"Oh."

I didn't know what to say.

Why would he think about high school when I'm less than five feet away from his apartment, freaking out?

"Because. I heard your mom was dating Mr. Medina. I never got around to asking you if it was correct."

"They got as far as the weekend before the wedding. My mom realized that she really didn't love him and left him."

Okay, maybe that was a little hint.

I don't think he got it, because he just nodded his head.

"That must have been weird. Having your teacher as your father in law. Well, almost."

"It was… different."

He laughed.

"What?"

"Well, what was that supposed to mean?"

"What?"

"Different. Come on. That was a little withheld. Tell me more."

"I don't know what there is to tell. At school he was Mr. Medina, at home he was Max."

"You called him Max?"

"What would you have called him?"

"I would have told my mom to stop dating my teacher, and then I would have been in the situation at all."

"I wanted her to be happy."

"Where was your dad?"

I paused.

"Was that too - "

"No, no. It's fine. He just seemed to pop up whenever. He wasn't really much of a dad, really."

He nodded. "My dad wasn't around much either."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. He was always out on business and stuff."

"You must be used to that."

He winced.

"Sorry."

He accepted and changed topics.

"And I was thinking about those PJ Harvey tickets."

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't know why you did that. You knew I wouldn't go – no matter where I found them."

"I went alone, hoping you would see it in between your books. But you didn't."

"Well, I didn't have a stomach to sit next to you for more than one hour."

"I was crushed!"

"Good. Served you right."

He laughed. "I had a huge crush on you then."

I paused.

What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I'm sorry? Thanks?

So, I told him the truth.

"It's funny how some roles turn on you."

I saw his face tense.

Why did I say that?

It was far too personal.

Far too true.

"Rory…"

And here it comes.

The let down.

"I'm sorry if I did anything to make you believe… that I thought… that we were more than… friends."

If you did anything?!

Is he serious?

God.

Did he really just say that?

But I put my best smile on and tried not to wince. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Why couldn't I just let him have it?

This is bull.

He knows what he's doing.

He's doing it on purpose.

"Are you sure?" he smiled back. "Because I could have sworn…" he paused.

"What? You could have sworn what?" That I like you so much it hurts my stomach? That it would be impossible to not like you with all the things you said and did last night and every single night before that?

You could have sworn that?

He shook his head, believing my indifference. "Nothing. It's nothing." He paused again. "We're friends, right."

Bull.

I smiled again. "Right. Friends."

Whatever.

I'm not going to say that my heart broke into a million pieces.

Because honestly, I'm used to this.

God.

Why did I let myself get so far into this mess?

Was I just supposed to forget everything that happened last night?

God knows I don't want to.

He was so perfect.

We fit together so perfectly.

Why couldn't he just see that?

Michelle and him are horrible.

And Tristan and I are perfect.

Why didn't he just see that?

God.

It's all my fault. I should have never submitted to him in the first place.

What an idiot I am.

The next day I went to work.

The same old, same old.

It's not like anything would change just because I have, right?

Still, I just thought it would.

I expected the pictures to be black and white, the lights to be darker…

I don't know.

It just felt like everything was more… dull.

I don't know why, but it just felt like it.

I can't explain it.

But it wasn't.

And it just reminded me that some people were having good days.

I envied them.

When I got off, I picked up my phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Rory?"

"Yeah. It's me."

"What do you need?"

"Just wondering… could we get dinner tonight? Maybe Thai…?"

I heard a sigh. "You hate Thai."

"I know."

Another sigh. "I'll pick you up at six-thirty."

"Okay."

He hung up.

I had an hour to get ready.

I took a quick shower, blow dried my hair, and put on make up.

Nothing too complicated, but still enough to look pretty.

I put on nice slacks and a dress up top.

Confident, but not over the top gorgeous.

All I needed for tonight.

Confidence.

Because I really didn't want to do this.

He called me, notifying me that he was outside.

"I'll be right out," I told him, putting on my second shoe.

I grabbed my purse and apartment keys and walked out.

What was I thinking?

Being with him was like pulling my eyes out.

But, who else?

I went down the elevator and saw him for the first time in almost a week.

We didn't talk much until we sat down at Q2.

"Please say something," I pleaded.

"You're the one that invited me on a date."

I sighed. This was not going to be easy. "I just thought I'd be nice."

He narrowed his eyes. "Nice. Yeah. Nice."

"Look, Oliver, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I broke up with you, and now I regret it, okay?"

He nodded.

And said nothing.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"So…" I finally said. "What do you think?"

"I'm thinking an appetizer. What do you feel like? Fish, chip, mushroom medley?"

No, thanks.

"Anything is fine," I said.

He ordered.

"And what to drink?" the waitress asked.

"Water, with lemon," I told her.

"Iced tea, please."

Then he said that we weren't ready to order dinner.

"Oh, that's perfectly fine. Take your time."

"Thanks," I said.

I knew what I was going to get.

A trip to the bathroom to throw up.

But this wasn't for me. This was for Oliver.

And right now, I couldn't afford him to get mad at me.

I needed him to see my side.

But not all of it.

Because then he'd get mad at me for leaving him for an engaged man.

Vicious circle.

"I miss you, Oli."

I placed my hand over his.

He nodded. "I've missed you too, Ror."

"Let's try again…?"

I wanted to kill myself for doing this.

Did I have a choice?

No.

"Okay," he whispered.

"Ready to order dinner?" the waitress asked.

"I'll have the Tom Yom."

"Fresh Tuna salad, please," I said.

She wrote it down and went and got our appetizer.

I didn't have any.

We talked about what we've been doing.

I would have said shacking up with Tristan, but I didn't.

I was, after all, trying to get back with him.

Only God knows why.

After dinner, we went back to his apartment.

I tried to get into it, I really did.

I acted like I wanted it.

Like I 'needed' it.

Yeah, right.

It was the worst sex I've ever had in my life.

And that's saying something.

Make-up sex I the best kind? Well, not with Oliver.

But I didn't let him see that I wasn't liking it.

It was better that way.

Right?

Right.

I wanted to do this.

Honestly.

I want to have someone.

Maybe not Oliver in particular, but he was right there.

He was right there.

He was safe.

I didn't have start over.

I didn't have to think about it.

So, maybe it wasn't the smartest decision.

Maybe I was wrong.

But I could always break up with him again, right?

Right.

And then, maybe he is the one.

Ugh.

Hope not.

Oh well.

When I went back to my apartment, I put the keys in the jar and made myself a cup of iced water.

Jen was sleeping on my couch watching television.

I turned it off, and she didn't move.

So I put a blanket over her and shut out the lights.

I walked to my room and changed into my pajamas.

I turned on some music low and sank into bed.

What did I just do?

Why would I do that?

Because, I told myself, Tristan will never want me.

Jen marched into my room at that point.

"Where the hell have you been, Missy?" she demanded.

"Just out." I kept my head down.

"Tristan said he didn't see you. Cynthia didn't see you. Even Joe didn't see you."

"I just went out, Jen."

"With who?"

"Oliver."

"What?! I thought you said you – "

I sniffled on accident.

"Are you crying?"

"He's playing games with me, Jen. Tristan's playing games and I can't take it anymore."

She nodded, sitting on the bed with me.

"It's all up and down with him. One day, I'm all that matters to him. He's flirty, he's kind, he's perfect. The next, he's professing his undying love to Michelle and telling me that all we're going to be is friends." I got up and started pacing around my room.

"What? When'd this happen?"

"We almost kiss – "

"What?!"

"Then he's screwing Michelle, and saying how he can't imagine life without her."

"Wait, you kissed him?"

"Almost, it's not even the point."

"When?!" she squeeled.

"All the effing time. We get this close," I motioned with my thumb and index finger, "and he just gets back up to the front seat and drives away."

"You were in his back seat?"

"And there were perfect songs. The stars were absolutely amazing -"

"Stars?"

"But no. I'm never good enough."

"Rory? I'm not making sense of this…"

"I can never be enough for him. Maybe I should go out with an effing Abercrombie model and toy with him and see how he likes it."

"Rory, calm down."

"No! I've been calm for the last month while he's led me on and then dropped me. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of him. He can do whatever he wants from now on, because I'm out."

"You don't mean that…"

"What is wrong with me? He has a fiancée, Jen. Why the hell did I get involved in the first place? Why didn't I just back off?"

"You love him, you can't help it."

"That's right. I shouldn't even be next to him and his perfect smile. I should move."

She hesitated. "Not exactly what I meant, Ror."

"And then I have the most boring sex with Oliver – "

"What?!"

"And it's all because of him." I pointed in the direction of his apartment.

"He's a jerk," she agreed.

"Thank you."

It took a few minutes for me to calm down.

"But… Oliver…?" she asked, with a disgusted face.

I shrugged. "The perfect man didn't bite, Jen. But the almost perfect guy does."

She nodded, standing up and walked toward my shelves.

"So, you're settling?" she asked, softly.

"I'm settling."

She nodded and picked a 6-disk DVD set up.

"Let's watch some Grey's."

I smiled, weakly. "Alright."

She escorted me to the living room.

A/N: I know you guys are going to hate me. But seriously, it's just a filler chapter to get to the next. I'll give you a hint – you all want it to happen. Next chapter is going to be very… fulfilled. I had to fit two songs in this one, because I thought You guys have waited enough for next chapter. Anyways, thanks again to those who review. You can scream at me this time, if you want to. Also, LVRofTristan, you're so sweet! Make a huge one again and make my day again. Hah. Just kidding (I mean, you can if you want to…). Thanks, again. Review, all of you!