A Lack of Color
by four51
Chapter 9. A Lack of Color
I sat up from sleep with sweat all over me. My legs were shaking and I was soft… down there.
Third dream this week. It was always the same.
We'd be in my room, he'd be kissing me…
Basically what happened last weekend.
Only, in my dream, he didn't stop.
He didn't have a girlfriend.
Well, maybe he did, but that didn't get in his way.
In my dream life, Tristan knew Michelle was horrible for him.
And that I was perfect.
That's right. I was perfect for him.
I was perfect in my dream.
I took a deep breath.
I haven't told Jen all that happened. She didn't know that he humiliated me.
She didn't know that he wasn't going to come to me because he wanted a skinnier, hotter model.
She didn't know.
But she begged me to talk to her the other night, right after it happened…
This was all that was said:
"You need to talk to me, Ror."
"Just go away, Jen." My voice was quiet, due to the amount of blankets covering my face and body.
"You look sick."
"I'm fine."
"Tell me what happened."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You need to."
"No, I don't."
"You don't know. It might help."
"I do know. It never helps. I just end up crying." Not that I didn't do that all night.
She stayed silent, like she knew I was right.
"Well, would you see what I have, then?"
I lifted my head from the comforters. I smiled slightly.
"Grey's Anatomy, Season 3."
"I thought they didn't have it on DVD yet."
"Just came out yesterday. I had to pay sixty bucks for this sucker. You better watch it with me."
"Can I bring my blankets?"
She rolled her eyes animatedly. "Of course!"
I smiled a little more and got up, wrapping a light blue comforter around my body.
As I passed her to the living room, I whispered. "Thanks, Jen."
"No problem, girly. I just needed someone to watch seventeen hours of drama with me."
Then after that, she backed off.
And for that, I was very thankful.
I haven't seen him.
I was also thankful for that.
I checked my alarm clock. It was 5 o'clock.
I laid back down on my bed, but my eyes wouldn't close.
So, I got up and threw the covers off of me.
I went to the bathroom and ran myself a hot bath.
I ducked down into it and let it submerge my whole body.
When I didn't have any breath left, I finally came back up.
I had work in four hours. Yuck.
I see her everywhere.
I hated that she was getting more and more popular.
The woman that was so much better than I was – at everything, probably.
I hated her.
I know it's not her fault that she has great sex and Tristan doesn't want to leave it.
And I know it's horrible to think up ways she could die.
I hit my head at the way I think sometimes.
I just want him back.
I want my best friend back.
I want my flirting-buddy back.
I just wanted all of him back.
But I know that if I did get him back, I could never have him like I want him.
It would be so awkward. Honestly.
After everything that happened, every fantasy I have now…
I don't think I can just be his friend now.
I need him all. And he's never going to give me that.
Ever.
I guess I'll just have to get used to not having him around.
I guess… I'm going to have to stop needing him.
Stop needing his presence every night after work.
Stop needing his touch on my cheek.
His body leaning against mine when he falls asleep in them middle of the movie.
I miss him.
When I got out of the bathtub, I dried myself off.
Then I changed into my clothes. My work clothes. A pencil skirt, a white button up top, and a green cardigan.
I checked the time. 7:30.
Close enough.
I grabbed my briefcase and headed out the door.
Guess who was out in the hallway?
Ding, ding, ding.
Tristan DuGrey.
Both of our eyes got wide as we searched for escape routes.
We got nothing.
I straightened out my clothes and started to walk into the elevator as he reluctantly followed.
I pressed 'L' for lobby and we waited.
"Rory…" he started.
"Don't," I warned.
I couldn't hear his voice anymore.
"I want to talk to you…"
I looked everywhere but him. "Well, I want a lot of things," like you, "But we all can't have what we want."
I could tell he was frustrated.
"Rory…" he pleaded.
The doors opened, and I started to walk out.
"Let me give you a ride?" he asked.
Then I looked into his eyes. The first time since he basically told me that he'd never want me.
I crumbled. "Okay," I whispered.
Shit.
Why did I just say that?
Think, Rory, Think.
What to do. How can I get out of it?
He motioned me to follow him out of the building.
Here, I know what to do!
When we were outside, I skillfully said, "Actually, my cab is almost here. I should just catch that. I don't want you to go out of your way…"
I couldn't look in his eyes because I knew I'd give in again.
"Well, where is it? I'll pay him for his inconvenience."
Crap!
"Uhm, well…" I stumbled over my words, looking everywhere for an answer.
He laughed, knowing my lie.
"Seriously, Rory. Come on. One ride can't hurt." You have no idea, Tristan.
I looked in his eyes and I knew he saw them filled with tears.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Come on, Ror," he whispered and held his hand out.
I narrowed my eyes at it. I walked past him and toward his car, rejecting his gesture.
"Okay," he said, noticing my hesitation to touching him.
We got in and buckled up 'for safety.'
Nothing could save me right now. Especially a woven piece of cloth.
"Would you please just look at me?"
I strained to lift my eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
What's wrong?!
"You know damn well what's wrong!" I shouted at him, frustrated.
He took a deep breath. "You're right. Stupid question."
He kept his eyes on the road as he made toward my work's building.
I looked out the window and watched the scenery move past the glass.
"Don't shut me out, Rory," he whispered.
I let a tear slip down.
Then I looked at him.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked.
"I want…" he started, but then ran a hand through his hair. "I want… I want everything to go back to normal."
"I can't stand normal right now. I can't talk to you," my voice broke and more tears started to flow, "like nothing has happened. I love you, Tristan. And you don't care. You don't care."
He was quiet for a little while. That's the only answer I needed.
I said, "You can just let me out right here."
"But you're work is…"
I didn't care what he said, I just got out of the car when he pulled at the stop light. I ran to the sidewalk and started walking fast for the 3 blocks to my work.
This was going to be a long day.
The next week, I ran into him a couple of times, but I practically ran away or got out of it somehow.
He didn't knock on my door afterwards, so I thought maybe he didn't want to see me either.
I heard Michelle through the night sometimes.
I couldn't handle it.
"I need to get out of here," I told Michelle.
She looked surprised. "Okay, maybe we could take a vacation to – "
I shook my head.
She stopped. "Oh…" she whispered.
"I can't stay here," I started to cry again.
She nodded, looking to the floor of my apartment's kitchen.
I was making dinner.
"It's okay. Maybe we can have Cynthia kick him out or something – "
"No. I don't want him to be penalized. This is all my fault." I was taking my anger out on the Rice-O-Roni.
"How is it your fault, Rory?"
"I let myself get so far in love with a taken guy, Jen! How could I let myself be so stupid?!" I banged my wooden spoon on the pan.
She went over to me and hugged me tight. "This is not your fault. He's such an asshole, Rory. Anyone can see that you're so much better than stupid Michelle."
I cried on her shoulder. "She's so pretty…"
"You are too. You're more than pretty. You're intelligent, you can hold your own in a conversation. You're absolutely perfect for him. For anyone."
I'm perfect.
I'm perfect.
I'm perfect?
No. He was the perfect one, wasn't he?
Tristan has always been the perfect one.
How could I be the perfect one?
"Because you're so sweet," she answered. I wasn't aware I'd said those things aloud. "You're so nice, and compassionate. You have the hugest heart I know. You're also really funny, and you are smart. And you're everything, Rory. Can't you see that?"
I muffled a thanks as I continued to sob on her shoulder.
It hurt. It really did.
After, she took my face in her hands. "You don't worry. It'll work out if it needs to. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be. In the meantime, you should do whatever makes you happy. If it's moving, then I'll support you. Of course, I won't be able to stay at your place until all hours of the night, because I won't just need to walk two feet to my room, but we'll make it work."
I sniffled. "Thanks, Jen. You're my best friend."
She smiled. "You're mine too, honey. Now," she wiped the tears off my cheeks, "finish the dinner, and I'll go pick out some movies. Harry Potter sound good?"
I smiled slightly and nodded my head. "And the Goblet of Fire."
"You got it, girly."
After I stirred a while and got it cooked, I went to look for Jen. I heard voices outside, and I stepped by my door to eavesdrop on them.
"You broke her, Tristan. You broke her, and now I have to fix what you did. And I don't want to fix any more of her broken heart than what is already there, so no. You cannot go see her. You just don't get it do you?"
"I just want to explain…"
"She doesn't want to hear it! She doesn't want to talk to you unless you say you've broken up with Michelle."
"I can't… I… Jen, Michelle is…."
"She gives great sex. I know. We all know. The whole block knows. But can she talk to you like Rory does? Can you confide in her, or feel the way around her like you do with Rory?"
It was quiet for a while.
"Then why are you with her?"
It was quiet again.
"I love her."
"Who do you love more?"
It was silent.
Then I heard footsteps come toward my apartment. I quickly ran to my kitchen.
She walked in, rubbing both her temples near her eyes.
"You didn't have to protect me, Jen. I can handle it."
She cocked her head at me, but quickly realized what I was talking about. "You shouldn't have to handle it. He's such a jerk, I just want to…" She clenched her fist and put it up in the air.
I sighed. "I can't be around him and just act like everything's okay," I said, quietly.
She looked down, "I'm going to miss you."
"You're starting to cry?" I asked, incredulously. "We're going to see each other all the time! It's not like you can get rid of me that easily." I joked.
She laughed a little but said, "You're not going to be my roomie anymore. You're going away and we can't have all-nighters and still sleep in our own beds when we get too tired to walk."
"You can sleep on my couch, and I can sleep on yours. It'll be fine!" I went over and hugged her. "I just… I can't keep getting reminded what Michelle and him are doing in his apartment. I can't get away from her at work, I need to get away from her in my free time."
She nodded and she wiped her tears away. "I'm still going to miss coming home to you every night."
"What are we, married?!" I joked again.
She laughed. "We might as well be."
We laughed together.
"You're my best friend," she told me, hugging me tighter.
"You're mine, too."
We stood there for a while.
"Who knows? Maybe I can get one around here. How does that sound?"
She smiled. "Thanks, Rory."
The next few days, I went out in search.
I wanted an apartment that was not too big but not too small. One bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room. Not too much to ask, right?
Wrong.
I must have gone to so many different buildings, that they all started to look the same at the end.
But I did end up finding one. The paint was nice, it came with a mattress, refrigerator and microwave. It had everything I was looking for.
Except him.
I told them that I would take it.
All I had to do was pack up, pay, and move in by the first of the month. That was at the end of the week.
So I packed.
Jen helped me.
I started moving on Friday, getting everything but a toothbrush, brush, a blanket, and some clothes to wear tomorrow. I was moving.
I sat on the mattress and then laid down on it.
"I'm moving," I told myself, trying to make sense of it.
It all seemed so quick.
I said I was going to move.
So I did.
But I couldn't help feeling… bad.
But then I heard Michelle.
Then I felt better.
I was getting out of here.
I couldn't deal with this anymore. I couldn't be around him. I can't…
I can't be next to him and not be with him.
It hurts to much.
Jen already said bye to me when she left after helping me move. So tomorrow, all I had to do was put some things in a backpack after using them, and walk to the other building.
Then I had to pay.
It was a little cheaper than my current place, totaling four hundred dollars less.
Which I was happy for.
Cynthia was freaking out. She was complaining about what she was going to do. She couldn't find another person to rent it out. She couldn't fill me. She was going to miss me. How could I do this to her?
Thinks like that.
But I soon fell into a slumber and woke to my phone beeping from the alarm I put on it. 6:30.
I packed up everything, and changed clothes.
I walked through every room, not sure I was ready to leave yet.
But I knew I had to.
I opened the door wide, letting the brightness fill the hallway.
I went back into the kitchen to get the water bottle I stashed in there last night.
When I came back, Tristan filled the doorway, his eyes wide.
"What are you doing?" he asked, suddenly.
I kept my eyes elsewhere, not trusting myself to look at him.
"I'm moving."
He nodded slowly, quietly. "You're moving?"
"Yeah. Another apartment."
He sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. He was quiet for a while.
Then he said, "Don't go?"
He sounded desperate.
I shook my head, exasperately. "Give me a reason to stay."
He lowered his head.
And stayed quiet.
I nodded. "That's what I thought."
I let a few tears go and passed by him, heading for the elevator, backpack secure around my shoulders.
Then I stopped and turned back to him. I saw his eyes filled with tears.
I let a few of my own drop.
I was crying when I said, "I hope you're happy with Michelle. I really do."
And I did. He should be happy.
I went in the elevator and looked at him, for what felt like the last time.
I raised my hand, waved once, and let the doors close on me.
I took a deep breath and hit my head against the wall.
I was doing the right thing, I told myself.
"I'm doing the right thing."
I walked, waving to Cynthia on my way out.
One foot in front of the other, I reminded myself.
One foot in front of the other.
One foot in front of the other.
One foot in front of the other.
"Rory!" I heard a faint cry come out.
I turned around fast, looking around for the person calling me.
Then I saw him, he was running fast toward me.
"Tristan, what are you – "
But he kissed me.
Hard.
We both embraced the other and didn't let go.
He drew back his mouth.
"I'm so sorry, Rory. I should have… I'm so sorry. Michelle… she's… I want you. She's nobody. I'm breaking the engagement. I love you so much. I… don't know what I was doing. You're everything, Rory. Please stay. You're perfect."
That's all I needed.
I was perfect for him.
I was perfect for him.
I kissed him again.
The End.
A/N: Well, there it is. Hope you liked it and that it was a nice ending. Also, sorry for the delay. I just… didn't want it to end. NEW STORY soon! Here's the outline. Rory stopped talking when she was younger for a long time and because of it, she has a big stuttering problem. She's not popular and gets made fun of by the popular kids. No one talks to her, no one knows her story. What happens when Tristan gives her the benefit of the doubt and despite what his friends say? Will he fall for the mystery of Rory Hayden? Hopefully the first chapter will be up in the next couple of weeks. Thanks for the support for this fic. I couldn't have kept it up without your wonderful reviews. Please review for the last time on this story.