Chapter Twelve: Wedding Hell
"You want what," asked Kakashi.
"I want you to be," said Keiji.
"Huh," said Kurenai.
"Could you please be," asked Anko.
"What," said Hinata.
"Huh," asked Gaara.
"Okay," said a puzzled Naruto.
"My best man."
"My maid of honor."
"Flower girl."
"Ring bearer."
"Flower boy."
"I don't get it," asked Gaara.
"It's tradition for my clan to have the lord the groom is serving under to be the ring bearer," said Keiji.
"What about Naruto," asked Gaara.
"Already have a place for him," said Keiji smiled evilly.
"I figure that we've been friends for so long that you'd be my maid of honor," said Anko.
"Of course I'll be your maid of honor," said Kurenai happily.
"You look cute in the dress that we got for the flower girl," said Keiji with Anko beside him. "Besides you'll be right beside Naruto."
"You mean he'll be ring bearer," asked Hinata.
"Something like that," said Keiji and Anko, both with an evil smile on their face.
"You look cute..like a girl," said Keiji. "Also you can be right beside Hinata our flower girl."
"Couldn't I be the ring bearer," asked Naruto.
"Sorry, but my clan's tradition says that Gaara must be the ring bearer," said Keiji. "But we did get you a special outfit."
"Cant' you make Rukia a flower girl and the both of us brides and grooms maids."
"I'm sorry but that cute face just deserves to be a flower girl..er boy," said Anko, who was secretly fighting to stifle the laughter inside of her.
"Will you go the distance for a friend," said Keiji.
"Alright," said Naruto. "I promise to be your flower boy and to wear any outfit you can find for me."
"I want you to be my best man because we are the coolest people in Konoha," said Keiji, not noting the fact that he wasn't apart of Konoha any more. "Besides I tricked Naruto into being a flower boy and, here's the best part, I actually got two flower girl dresses."
"You didn't," said Kakashi grinning.
"I freaking did," said Keiji laughing out loud.
"Oh my god I'm going to have to get a picture of this," said Kakashi. He was holding his sides as he laughed maniacally. "Oh damn, I know I should be stopping it, but I've got to see that. I know I'm going to have to apologize to the Yondaime's grave after this."
"To hell with you," said Keiji. "I'm supposed to be Naruto's godfather. That's just plain low man."
"You're going to have fireworks," asked Tsunade as she looked at their wedding plans.
"Yes I have a guy on it that I can trust," said Keiji. "He's just outside with his right hand man, another trust worthy guy, more or less."
"Send them in then," said Tsunade with as sigh.
Two men entered the cabin, one wearing stunner shades and the other one had an eye patch over his right eye like Keiji used to have before both his eyes turned into wolf eyes. (They haven't changed back obviously. Doesn't mean that he's merged, just that he has control of his blood lust.) The man with an eye patch had short, curly blond hair and a face that wasn't handsome, but not ugly at the same time. He had all the coolness and calm of a professional assassin, but he walked behind the stunner shades man, indicating him to be his assistant.
"Hello Lord Hokage," said the stunner shade man. "My name is Kazuma and this is my right hand man Saagat. (Yes this is myself.) Sagat is my proffessional who makes sure that we don't run into any trouble. His cousin is a bit of a klutz, but he's a good kid at heart."
"So who will be planning the fireworks," said Tsunade, not knowing whether to trust Sagat or his cousin with the fireworks, but she reasoned that since it would be at a place that they didn't own that she could trust Sagat.
"My cousin does manual work, but in the end I plan the whole show," said Sagat. "Kazuma-dono gets the material and gives me any information on places we'll be."
Tsunade had decided that Sagat was one of those strict military types and had probably been in some militia. His short muscular frame shouted ex-hired gun for a mile. She passed him off as humorless person until Shizune came in. Tsunade had thought that she'd left Tsunade at the village, but Shizune had had enough of the two week she'd been there. As soon as they saw each other they started flirting.
"That eye patch makes you look dashing," said Shizune.
"Thanks, but I can see where two eyes would be a benefit," said Sagat in a smooth voice. "I wish I had another eye to look into both of those beautiful eyes of yours."
"It seems that both are subordinates have fallen for each other," said Kazuma.
"Their more like children," said Tsunade. "Was your guy some child soldier?"
"He was actually a part of the Hidden Mist Village, but he was somehow mixed up in the failed coup."
"Explains a lot about himself," said Tsunade. "Well I guess they grow up so fast and we just have to happily see them leave the nest. Shizune bring me some tea while your up."
"Yes, um, would Kazuma-san and Sagat-san like some tea as well," asked Shizune.
"Not now I'm fine, but Sagat makes an excellent tea that he should help you with," said Kazuma. He turned to Sagat and said, "Go show her your special tea."
Sagat nodded and led Shizune down stairs to make the tea. Tsunade and Kazuma gave a little chuckle.
"Aw you gotta be kidding me," said Naruto. He looked again at his pink flower boy outfit, which was exactly the same as the flower girl's outfit. It was a cute pink dress.
"Hey you put yourself at my mercy," said Keiji. "You promised to wear anything I got you and that's what was in the box."
"You know you look cute in that out fit kid," said Anko.
"You really think so," said Naruto doing a little twirl for comedic effect. He decided that he might as well give them a show if he was forced to wear a dress.
Sasuke and Sakura fought the laughter, while Kiba and his girlfriend, Nishino roared with laughter. Shino and Hana observed the boy forced to wear a dress with a grin. Kakashi, Tsunade, Anko, Keiji, Jiraiya, and Gaara (yes Gaara) were rolling on the floor. Shinkamaru and Temari laughed then returned to looking at the sky. Rock Lee and Gai went to change into their groom's maids (what do you call the guys I don't know wedding stuff) outfits. What they didn't know was that they were left overs from the disco era and were rather purplish and sparkly. Every other guy had a black tuxedo with his family crest on it, they were told to bring their own tuxedos because everything Keiji had turned out to be out of date. Gaara wore his Kazekage uniform since he wanted to represent the sand village. Temari wound up as a bride's maid, but Kankuro was just invited, a fact that he was pleased with. He hated having to go through ceremonies.
"Hey these tuxedo's come with these neat wallet carriers," said Lee.
"Those were for the first gay marriage which I think was for an uncle," said Keiji. "They're purses and you're wearing gay outfits. Why the hell would they be mine, especially since I said wear your own tuxedo? Look at that outfit it looks like it was designed by Tinkywinkie."
"I THINK THESE ARE AS BRIGHT AS THE FLAMES OF YOUTH," said Gai, who had appeared right behind Keiji. Keiji backslapped when he heard shouting in his ears.
"Inside voice dumbass," said Keiji. "You are forbidden to talk at my wedding or any ceremony that you're invited to if I invite you."
"These wallet carriers are really useful," said Lee holding up his purse. Inside he had his cellphone, his wallet, his medication, his checkbook, make up, and a few tampons. (Lee and Gai are starting scare me and I'm the one writing this.)
"Lee, you and Gai make me wonder in a bad way," said Keiji.
"Gai-sensei makes me wonder in a good way that I can't describe," said Lee. Before he could finish, Keiji put duct tape on his mouth.
"Whatever you and Gai do is between you," said Keiji. "I will sleep comfortably without having to hear your stories running though my head."
Just then they heard an explosion coming from outside the building. Keiji and Naruto rushed out the door after checking to see if their loved ones were safe.
Sagat was beyond pissed; in fact he wanted to beat the guy in front of him into a bloody pulp. He was helping Shizune making the tea while they kept up their flirt. He asked her to try a cup with him when he'd heard the explosion. Within a fraction of a second of the blast, Sagat had Shizune under a table for safety and then went to check on the explosion. He saw his cousin, Togusa, grinning nervously while covered in black powder (it's gun powder, but they don't have guns so it's called black powder). He knew instantly that Togusa had fucked up again.
"What the hell did you do," asked Sagat, steams rising from his face.
"I was testing the durability of the dynamite when one blew up," said Togusa.
"How were you testing the durability," asked Sagat. "I could fucking swear I told you not to touch the damn dynamite."
"I hit it with a hammer," said Togusa, quickly flinching in expectation of the punch Sagat would surely throw. Instead, Sagat calmly put his right hand to his forehead.
"Why the fuck would you hit dynamite with a hammer?"
"I was testing the durability."
"Why the fuck would you want to test the durability? We just calmly and gently lace it into or onto what ever we need in or near. What the fuck else did you expect us to do with dynamite, play baseball with it?"
"Is there any problem," asked Keiji when he arrived.
"Yes my partner is brain dead retarded," said Sagat.
"Are you guy's trying to blow us up," asked Naruto as he came close to them.
"Ask the retard who hit dynamite with a fucking hammer," said Sagat.
"Why would you hit dynamite with a hammer," asked Naruto.
"To test it's durability," replied Togusa.
"You guy's planning to play football with it," asked Naruto.
"He must think so," said Sagat walking away to finish his tea with Shizune. Everything else could wait for two hours.
"Alright Naruto, we have enough pictures," said Keiji laughing at Naruto who was still in the dress. Keiji handed him a blue tuxedo with the Keiji clan crest on it. "This is the real outfit that I made personally, I just couldn't help, but trick you into wearing a dress. Oh god you made my day."
"You're my godfather you sick bastard," said Naruto. "You're supposed to protect me from those things."
"I know and I'll make it up to you some way," said Keiji. "But right now I have to meet with Kakashi and Sasuke about that gift I promised them."
"So you know a way to improve our Sharingan," said Kakashi.
"Your Sharingan originates from the eyes of the Okami," said Keiji. "i can improve it, but to do so you must survive my nightmare stare."
"Survive," asked Sasuke.
"My nightmare stare takes up a full night to finish working it's magic, but since you have the eye of illusion you can strengthen your Sharingan's power. The problem is that if you can't resist it, your mind will be broken. Now I must know will you stay or will you go?"
"I will stay," said Kakashi.
"So will I," said Sasuke.
"Then look into my eye," said Keiji. They looked into it and were immediately pulled into its illusionary world. "I hope you to survive it, but it has fifty-fifty chance of death so we'll see in the morning."
Keiji left the room and saw Sakura standing near the door. He knew from the accusing look in her eye that she had heard the whole thing. He gave her a look that said, "it's out of our hands." Tears formed in her eyes as she slapped him and walked up to her former teacher and her boyfriend. She helped each one into a bed and stayed by their sides all through the night.
Naruto spent the morning training with Hinata, who had grown to do things with her Byakugan that neither Neiji nor her father could do. As always, Naruto, her inspiration and her lover, cheered her on. They went in for breakfast where everyone was buzzing around Keiji to get information about what he did to Kakashi and Sasuke. It was Tsunade who asked him what the success rate was for the procedure.
"You have better chances performing brain surgery with a rusty spoon then they have of surviving it," said Keiji. He looked around to see everyone's shocked expression. "Good, now I can have breakfast in peace."
"He ignored the death glares, but the two kunai broke his coffee mug and spilled hot coffee on his leather pants. He knew it was Sakura and Ayame, who had been invited by Keiji since Kakashi asked him to invite her.
"Ayame I didn't even know you could throw kunai," said Keiji as if everything was normal.
"Kakashi-kun once taught me how to throw," said Ayame. "If he dies, I'm going to use everything I learned from him to kill you."
"Since he has a fifty-fifty chance then why don't you flip a coin to see if he'll live," suggested Keiji. "That way his life is in your hands since you don't trust my hands."
Ayame and Sakura both flipped coins, but the outcome wasn't favorable. hey both hugged each other and cried for their lost lovers. Keiji thought it was hilarious and laughed until Anko shut him up with her fists. (Aw yes. Those fists hurt like hell.)
It was at ten that footsteps were heard on the stairs. Everyone rushed to see Kakashi coming down stairs with Sasuke following. Ayame and Sakura rushed to hugg their lovers and then beat the living shit out of them for putting them through so much grief.
"I guess there's a moral to learn from this," said Shikamaru.
"What's that Shika-kun," said Temari.
"You can't win with women," said Shikamaru while Keiji nodded in agreement as he was tied upside down.