Chapter 14
Padme waited not so patiently in her home. Vader had contacted her on his coded comlink and she knew he would show up soon. What was taking him so long? She paced by the front door looking at it every five seconds watching to see if the latch would turn.
It had been 6 months since she had seen him and she knew this would be a short visit. I stand here waiting just like during the war. This time though Anakin won't be coming home to me. It is the same face but a totally different guy. She had never seen any of the holonews reports over the last 6 months. She did not want to know what was going on in the world. The world had turned out to be a very dark place and it was something she was willing to hide from. Here she could dream that everything was normal. She could imagine that it really was Anakin coming home from the war. She could imagine that she never had any children and that Palpatine never existed. She liked it that way, and it would stay that way except for the small voice in her head that kept saying to her; What happened to Luke and Liea? The man you are talking to is not Anakin. The dreams she would have almost every night left her in a sweat and some night she would wake up screaming. So as much as she wanted the real world to go away it encroached on her everyday.
Today was different though. Vader called her in the middle of the afternoon instead of his standard night call. It scared her when she felt it vibrate. Vader! What was wrong! She had soon found out though that nothing was wrong he had new that set her heart on fire. He was coming home for short visit before he went on his next assignment. Two days was all she would get because if he stayed longer it would jeopardize his cover and ultimately it would jeopardize her. She was sure she would explode from the excitement that was building up in her. Jennifer had helped her get ready and she checked the mirror in the foyer quickly again just for something to do. There was really no need. Her makeup was perfect, the curls in her hair looked just like small rivers that flowed down her back and her simple dark blue gown was just the icing on the cake. She smiled slightly though her eyes held so much anxiety that the smile barely changed anything on her face.
Just as she was turning from the mirror, she heard the sound she had been waiting for all afternoon. The click of the door just before it was flung open. She gave a cry and ran for the door. Luckily for her it open all the way before reached it and she flung herself into Vader's arms. He was ready for it though. He had felt her tension and excitement while he was still outside. He gladly held her in his arms. He kissed her tears as he held her. No tears would come from him though. Just as his arms were hard so was the wall around his feelings. Yes he knew in his head that he loved her and he was happy to see her. Every fiber of his being wanted to touch her, to hold her and make love to her, but to cry as he used to at their meeting or whisper those 3 little words she wanted most to hear he just could not do it.
She did not care though she clung to him and actually dug her nails into his back so he would not let her go. Indeed she would have literally crawled inside him if it were physically possible. He carried her upstairs and still she would not let him go. As quickly as she could she removed his clothing and started kissing him from head to toe. He responded in kind and their body's danced in perfect rhythm until they were both satisfied. Vader fell asleep but Padme lay awake in his arms for quite a while. She had watched his face as they had made love and now all she could do was shed silent tears for what had not been on his face. Though they done an act, which should solidify their love, she had seen no love on his face. She knew somewhere deep inside was that love but he would not show it no matter what. There was no crack in his visage. It held the same unemotional look she knew he gave to all people. Anger seemed to be the only emotion he allowed to run rampant through him now. She had know this all along but somehow she had deluded herself into thinking she could crack that face somehow. She faced reality tonight though and it hurt more than she could possibly have thought. Right now all she could is cry her grief into her pillow.
Vader woke and relished the feel of Padme in his arms. He was immediately hit though by a cloud of sadness that seemed to be hovering over her head. What was wrong with her? She should be happy because I am here. I know that I am content right here with her in my arms.
A voice dared to be heard inside his head at that moment. The problem is you don't love her as I do. You go through all the motions of loving her but you don't let yourself feel the love. I feel the love. I give her love.
Vader jumped out of bed. He turned to check if he had woken Padme up, by some miracle she was still sleeping. He left the room and went to workout. He hoped that would stop the voice from talking to him. He hated that voice. Why does that voice insist on being heard? Vader picked up some dumbbells and started doing curls, but the voice would not be stopped. This time not only would the voice rise but pictures of their life before would flood his mind. The first time he met her as 9-year-old boy when he had called her an angel. See! I have always loved her. You can't give her that and you know it. She is starting to know it also. Then came to mind the time he saw her after ten whole years. The feelings assaulted his mind and he remembered how it felt to love, but to truly feel them in this moment he did not feel them at all. See you can't even feel what you remember. She needs more than just a body she needs a heart. You have no heart. This was Anakin's fatal mistake because with that Vader dove on the worm in his mind and he again succeeded in crushing him. Vader would prevail; he would make sure that weakling Anakin would not show his face again.
Now he had the problem of his wife. How could he make her be ok with things as they are and not wish for things as they were? She loved him this he knew because she just exuded the feeling. It seemed to seep through every pore in her body. So why could he not just say the words she wanted to hear? Because she never was nor ever would be a weak minded person who was just placated by words; he needed a way to show her how he felt about having her again without just saying words that had not meaning. Then a picture of her walking through the gardens at the lake house came to his mind. She was happy and content amongst the flowers. He had it. He would make a Naboo garden here on Vjin. It would be costly and he would have to bring Naboo soil here just to make some of the plants able to grow, but it would show her his devotion. At least he hoped it would.
He had nothing to worry about though because she loved the idea and she even helped him make a list of all the flowers she loved. She also pictured the lake house and that garden she hoped with all her being that this garden would be as peaceful and a beautiful as that one. She watched it take shape and pictured herself sitting amongst the flowers with their perfume filling the air and allowing her the calm and peace they used to bring to her heart. You see Vader cares as much for you as Anakin used to. He wants your happiness just as much and he is willing to go to great lengths to get it for you. Why don't you just forget Anakin and love Vader. Padme sighed at this thought and answered it, because there is nothing like Anakin's touch and Anakin's lips and Anakin's heart. I know Anakin is in there somewhere being squelched and I will see him again someday. Anakin will eventually win out.
Though Pamde watched and waited for the day Anakin would emerge she loved Vader as he was and she grew more used to know the love there though it was never expressed in words. Six months was along time between visits, but she accepted things as they were. And when he was home they clung to each other as if trying to become the other person. One day as soon as he comed her she gave him news that sent his mind reeling. "Vader I am going to have a Baby."