Note: I'd like to thank everyone for the helpful reviews... I realize I did make quite a few mistakes and after I get all the chapters edited and posted I'll go back and fix them XP. Sorry for anymore glaring mistakes. This is where the angst starts to come in. Brace yourself, folks.

Chapter Three

She's got her halo and wings

Hidden under his eyes

But she's an angel for sure

But it's too late for his love

already caught in a trap

Because heaven sends and heaven takes

crashing cars in his brain

keeps him tied up to a dream

and only she can set him free

then he says to me

kill me now

Snape lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Some insects seeking refuge from the cold indoors had gathered around the corners and Severus was methodically exterminating them with jolts of energy from his wand. He watched lazily as their ruined bodies plummeted from the air and onto the floor. After three weeks of being cooped up with his father in a tiny house in the middle of Muggle Hell, he felt he wanted to destroy various things and creatures. Outside it was snowing heavily, which added to the trapped feeling he was now enduring. Of all the school holidays at home this was the definite worse. His useless, Muggle father stayed in the house all day slowly getting drunker until by night he was weeping and yowling to himself in the kitchen. His wailing kept Severus up all night which proved to be depressing and extremely irritating all at once. When exhaustion and boredom finally overtook Severus, it was generally not a long or peaceful rest. More than often, Tobias Snape would explode into Severus' dark and sparse room in the early hours of the morning, screaming at the tops of his lungs. Once he was sure his son was good and awake, he would complain to Severus and criticize him. His rants would go on generally till dawn while his son would sit achingly tired and unhappy as he endured the insults. He made sure to look attentive at all times during these wild ravings because if he chose not to, Tobias would almost always lash out violently. When his father finally fell asleep on the floor of his room, Severus would drag his unconscious body out and lock himself in his room. This life was, in a word, hell.

It was morning now, but sunlight hadn't crept over the land. The dark clouds which sprinkled snow down onto the world didn't seem to want to relent at all. Severus was letting his mind run blank as he stared up at the ceiling in total ennui.

"SEVERUS!" Boomed his father's voice from outside the dark room. Severus got up slowly, unlocked the door and poked his head out.

"What do you want?" Severus hissed from the darkness, getting ready to fight back if necessary.

His father's hunched and unclean form stumbled into the hallway. He looked extremely ill. Dark circles like bruises rung his eyes which were stationed looking bloodshot above his crooked nose. The stained shirt he wore hadn't been changed for several days. Drowsy and nauseated as he appeared, he was still able to contort his expression into one of rage.

"Some bloody bird keeps trying to break it's way into the house. Make it go the fuck away, boy." He commanded, leaning on the wall for support. Severus swept into the hall, dressed in his usual black. His hair swung at the side of his face as he wondered who'd sent him an owl. Stepping into the gloomy kitchen he saw a smallish barn owl tapping at the window with it's claw. It stared up at Severus with is eyes like shining black stones. In its beak was an envelope. Even from here Severus could see the name written on the front.

Lily Evans was penned in neat smooth lettering. A jolt of electricity seemed to awaken Severus as he rushed to the window and let the owl inside. Once he grabbed the letter from its beak, the barn owl spread its white and tawny wings and set back off into the snowstorm. Severus closed the window behind the barn owl and peered down at the envelope, hardly believing his eyes.

"Is that a letter?" Tobias slurred words came from behind him. Severus could smell the stench of alcohol on his breath.

"No, it's some sort of strange device that mankind has yet to recognize." Severus said silkily, moving past his father and back towards his room. He felt he wrist become engulfed in a painfully hard grip. He was tugged back to see his father looking furious.

"Don't get smart with me boy. If I brought you into this world then I can certainly take you back out." He growled, staring at him dangerously. Like you'd have the guts.

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry I was so impolite." He spoke rebelliously. His father gave his an angry nod and released Severus' wrist, then looked back down at the letter clutched in Snape's hand. Before he had time to move, his father snatched the envelope away from his son. Severus suppressed a cry as he watched his father study it.

"Lily Evans?" He read slowly. Even her beautiful named sounded sour on his lips. He was not worthy to speak it. "Lily? A girl?" He looked up at his son and smiled. "Don't tell me a girl is writing to you!" He broke into a short fit of wheezing laughter. Severus' stare was fixed the letter he so desperately wanted. Beautiful Lily Evans was actually writing to him. Maybe a word of kindness which Severus so desperately sought was encased inside that thin sheath of paper. His father tore open the top of the envelope and pulled a piece of paper out. He unfolded it and began to read. After a few painfully long minutes in which Snape was sure his heart would burst, Tobias looked up.

"Who is this girl, anyway?" His eyes were squinted and Severus couldn't remember him ever looking so ugly. He did his best to calm his nerves and give a very convincing shrug.

"Someone from school." He said casually. Though his voice was calm his mind was spinning with dread. His father bared his uneven and yellowed teeth in a twisted smile.

"Is she pretty?"

Severus merely sneered back.

"You like her, don't you, you little pervert. You want to give her the time, don't you?" He wheezed with more laughter. Severus hated him more strongly than ever. He wanted nothing more than to rush forward and tear Tobias' bloodshot eyes out with his bare hands. "Now I know what you've been doing in there all alone!" He bellowed with laughter, his rotten teeth fully bared as he mocked his son. Severus bit his bottom lip fiercely, shaking with rage. He was utterly disgusted at the sight of his father. His father plopped down in a chair, still shivering with laughter and clutching his side. "Don't get so worked up, you queer." He was wiping tears of joy from his eyes. "Never worry yourself over a bitch."

"Don't talk about her that way!" Severus screamed at his father before he could stop himself. He snarled back at his father, not daring to blink. Tobias' revolting smile knotted into a sneer.

"What, do you care about this bitch?" Severus didn't reply, he just stared at Tobias with unrelenting ire. "Listen to me, boy." He got up and clapped a hand onto Severus' shoulder. "If there's one mistake you don't want to make in this world, it's caring about some filthy cow. You'll just get hurt, you know?" Severus flinched slightly. His father breathed more contemptuous laughter. "Oh, no… Did you actually think…? Did you actually think a woman would want to be with you? You're shitting me! A fuck ugly thing like you? Not to mention you're a complete loser! That little whore wouldn't love to save her life!" He exploded with laughter and threw Severus to the floor. He tossed the letter at Severus' chest and thumped away, laughing maniacally. Severus looked down at the letter and picked if off the ground, feeling utmost despair. He retreated back into his room and shut the door. Unfolding the letter he read the first few lines.

Dear Severus,

Happy Christmas!

How is your holiday going? I've been having a wonderful

time. I really wanted to thank you for going back and finding

my necklace. I wanted -

Snape let the letter fall from his gaze. He stood miserably with his back to the door, knowing his father was right. He tore Lily's letter into pieces and threw them into the garbage bin. Feeling dejected he let himself fall face first onto his bed. He felt disgracefully foolish and full of anguish. You're not even good enough to know Lily. How dare you feel this way towards her…? He rolled over, honestly considering killing his father. He wondered vaguely what the wizard prison Azkaban was like as he whispered the words "Avada Kedavra", waving his wandless hand in the air. What he saw was the long and jagged scar on his arm. He remembered the blood flowing down, the shards of broken glass lodged into his skin. Soaked in contempt, Severus fell asleep after several wretched hours, wishing strongly that he'd never been born.

Exiting the train and staring out at the turrets and towers of Hogwarts had never been so promising. After the most dreadful holiday imaginable, Severus knew even being ridiculed by Potter was better than one more day stuck in his dark room plotting how to kill his father. The crisp January sunlight coupled with the brisk air was enough to put good spirits in anyone.

After the welcoming feast, Snape was hoping to escape to the confines of the Slytherin common room before he could see Lily, but he was none to lucky. As he was making his way through the entrance hall and towards the dungeons he saw her standing at the top of the stairs chatting with her girl friends. At once she stopped and looked down at him. He froze as well. Her face looked indescribably lovely but moderatly sad. With a sinking feeling Severus broke their gaze and resumed his trek to the dungeons. Making his way along with some of the other Slytherins, Cleo Mulligan unexpectedly fell into stride beside him. She was wearing a mink fur round her neck and looked pale and beautiful in the dull candle light of the dungeon corridors.

"Hello Severus. Good holiday?" She asked with a halfhearted smile. As they stepped lightly through the dimly lit, labyrinthine passages.

"All right, I suppose." He answered her, not really caring what she thought. They reached a blank stretch of wall.

"You look rather depressed. Is it because of that Potter? Iron Maiden." She said and the stone wall gave way to the Slytherin common room. All around Slytherins were chatting with their friends about the things they'd done on holiday. The two stepped through into the chatter.

"I hate James Potter." Snape said blandly. "I want to end him." Cleo smiled with a cunning sort of understanding.

"So do the rest of us. We hate all the Gryffindors that think they run this school." She led Snape to a group of her friends.

"Avery… Nott… Malfoy… Bella and Cissy…" She introduced her friends. "You know Severus, right?" She gestured towards Severus' apathetic form.

"Pleasure." He said, his lip curling slightly. His eyes swept over the sallow faced Avery to the untamed, angry eyes of Nott. Two ravishing, pale beauties sat side by side next to the proud man named Malfoy.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe you are of noble blood, Snape?" Malfoy asked him smoothly with an unreadable smile playing across his face. Snape nodded without the slightest hesitation. The whole group grinned in accordance.

"These Muggle-lovers are really getting out of hand, don't you think?" Avery asked, looking around at the group, his eyes stopping on Severus. They all made noises of agreement though Snape's was slightly delayed.

"Well, come and sit down, then…" The girl Cleo called Cissy purred. She had white-blonde hair that was outright radiant. Snape faltered a moment, then joined the ring of Slytherins, feeling, for once in his life, accepted.

The next few days wore on slowly. Snape found himself spending more and more time with the group of Slytherins and Cleo. What Snape found slighty odd was the fact that they never acted friendly towards one another, but rather enjoyed the safety of being with others who nurtured the same hatred and prejudices. When Snape was with those dark Slytherins, not even the arrogant James Potter came around to bother him. The cold winter evenings of sitting in the dark common room and listening to the intricate plans of the Lestrange's ideas to remove all the half-bloods and muggle-borns from the school were the norm.

If by chance Snape would happen to cross Lily's path in the corridors moving from class to class he quickly looked aside. The urge to run up to her and apologize again and again for not replying to her letter was intense, however. He outright ached to speak to her again, but it was more than his new Slytherin group that stopped him.

He had come to the full realization of the situation now. Lily was an extremely kind girl. Too kind for Snape's good. He mistook her pity for affection and let his dreams fly much too far. The fact that she could never, ever return his feelings was a pain that had suffocated the flames in his heart ever since his father had put it there. What he knew was if he went near Lily, if he looked into her face for more than a second in passing, the dam of longing inside of him would burst and he'd be forced to craft his own destruction.

All the same it was extremely painful to see her trying to catch his eye and looking hurt when he refused to return her gaze.

As winter's frost finally let up and the grass poked back out from under the blankets of snow the workload from the teachers became hard for even Snape to bear. Long hours were spent alone once again, studying and completing papers for Potions, Transfiguration and History of Magic. It was irritating concentrating on the increasing work load when the fine weather was just starting to warm the grounds. Snape took to doing most of his homework by the lakeside. One evening while he was trying his hardest to complete an essay on the ways of recognizing Kelpies for Defense Against the Dark Arts, a familiar and soothing scent floated into the air. He looked up and out over the lake's smooth surface, feeling like he'd come up from underwater. Something tapped the top of his head. He jumped and craned his neck backwards. Much to his dismay and fear he saw Lily smiling and waving. He was plunged into his usual nervous state as soon as he saw those emerald green eyes.

"Lily…" He said, throat dry. She waved at him and found a seat next to him in the grass.

"You come here a lot nowadays, huh?" She gazed out over the reflective surface, watching the rosy sun disappear into the gently rippling waters. "When you're not with…"

"My new friends…" Snape finished for her. She looked into his face earnestly. He saw disquiet swimming in her eyes. He wanted more than anything to put a reassuring arm around her and destroy whatever made her sad, but he simply stared in her direction, his own sorrow written all over his face.

"You don't look…" She began. He awaited her response with bated breath. "Very happy to me…" Snape scoffed a bit.

"I've never been happy..." He murmured dryly. She gave him a scolding look. He returned it with one of indignance. "What?" She sighed disapprovingly.

"Severus...why are you spending time with those people? They're cruel and prejudiced. I thought you weren't like that." She gave him a look that sent pain through his entire body. She wasn't angry or scolding in her tone, but painfully disheartened.

"Lily, don't look at me like that…please…" Snape whined, sounding pathetic even to himself. "I only hang around them so James won't bother me." He admitted, knowing it was only half true. She was silent for a moment. "Lily… Let me apologize…" She looked up. Her eyes were moistened. Seeing her like that sent a fresh, raw wave of pain down his throat and into his heart. "Hey! Don't start crying!" He was a bit worried that James or some nosy Slytherin was watching this, but he was mostly feeling sick to his stomach at Lily's tears.

"You hate everyone, don't you Severus?" She wimpered.

"Of course I do." Snape started, "The world is filled with loathsome excuses for-"

"Well, what about me? Do you hate me too?" She asked hotly, a tear rolling down her cheek. He was completely shocked. So that was what this was all about? Out of anything he had not expected this reaction.

"Ehhh-What!?" He exclaimed, utterly confused. "No, of course I don't! Why would I hate you? You're kind and thoughtful and the most beautiful girl I've ever see-" The word poured out before he even knew what he was saying. Horror-stricken, he looked away from her. He felt completely mortified and furious with himself. In the heat of the moment you totally lose your head and make a right fool out of yourself. Nice one…

Lily was silent next to him. She was probably struggling to keep from laughing or looking at him with confused revulsion. He had the huge urge to get up and drown himself in the lake.

"Severus…" The moment she spoke Snape's heart leapt and his head went light. What was her tone? Flattered?

Severus slowing turned his head back, not daring to believe the gentle look on Lily's face. She smiled at him warmly and put a hand on his shoulder. He shivered from her kind touch. He felt obligated to speak.

"Look, about…your letter…" He was totally flustered, he couldn't think straight. "I wanted to read it, but my father… he… erm… he took it and threw it out…" She looked confused for a moment, then shook her head and smiled with her eyes shut

"I don't care about that…" She began softly, "Listen… I know you're a good person. Those…. people… don't have a shred of kindness in them at all. I don't want you to turn into one of them. I know you don't believe it, but it could happen. I don't want my friend to turn to the wrong sorts of things jsut because of some idiot like James. You know he's just jealous of your talent... If you just tried talking to-"

Snape rounded on her.

"Lily… I promise you… I won't follow that crowd any longer…" She smiled a bit. "But I will never be friends with James Potter." He spoke with finality. She shrugged.

"I guess that's up to you… But, thank you. I appreciate that…" She slid her hand down and gave his a quick grasp. Before he could even register what happened she gave him a smile and strolled off into the evening.

Snape sat for a long while in silence, his Defense Against the Dark Arts paper thoroughly forgotten. He'd done exactly what he shouldn't have… and yet… he felt no qualms. He was also honest in the fact that he'd abandon his Slytherin friends. The glowing prospect of being able to call himself Lily Evans' friend was overwhelmingly bright. He stood up, feeling lighter than he had in weeks. Collecting his things he made his way up the slope and to the entrance of the castle. As he walked across the grassy plains he spied Remus Lupin sitting on the steps of the courtyard. He looked whiter than death and was sporting a number of cuts and bruises. Snape approached him warily and gave him a studying look.

"Feeling all right, Lupin?" He said without tone in his voice. Remus looked up at him weakly and dropped his gaze back to his old, worn out shoes.

"Fine…" He said, sounding hoarse.

"I've noticed you haven't been in school the past couple days? Have you been ill?" He asked, again not showing a hint of the burning curiosity that plagued him. He knew James Potter and all of his team were knee high in some sort of plan. Remus merely nodded and sighed, Snape pressed on. "Well, be careful… You wouldn't want anyone to think you were…. Up to something…"