Note: Well, I was dying to write this chapter for the longest time and I had a great time doing it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Again, sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, or story errors.
Chapter Five
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall, crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling
Spin me round again and rub my eyes this can't be happening
When busy streets amass with people would stop to hold their head heavy
hide and seek.
trains and sewing machines.
all those years, they were here first.
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before.
the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.
hide and seek.
trains and sewing machines. ( you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears,
they were here first.
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
speak no feeling, no i dont believe you.
you don't care a bit. you don't care a bit.
Snape dragged the metal stirring rod around his cauldron carefully as a father rocks his newborn child. As he stirred the grayish potion inside the cauldron, his face was unreadable. The mixture bubbled and sputtered, becoming the consistency of mud. Severus continued to stir the potion methodically, but his mind was elsewhere. The memories of the few days before his return to school had haunted him frequently for the past few months.
He remembered vaguely hearing James and Sirius' voice in the darkness of the deep dark tunnel.
Oh God James… I didn't think…
He's bleeding bad… Is he even breathing!?
Sirius! Hurry, get Professor Dumbledore!
He had awoken in the hospital wing later that morning to the most wonderful sight in the whole world. Lily Evans was there, looking sick with grief and teary-eyed. The moment he opened his eyes she had thrown her arms around his neck. True, it had been quite painful… but he wouldn't have given it up for anything else in the world. A day later Professor Dumbledore called all five of the boys who had be out that rainy evening to his office. After a serious and nerve-racking lecture they were all released without any punishment. As the five were walking back to the common room, Snape discreetly pulled James aside.
"Potter…" He began stiffly. "No matter how it started, you… saved my life…" Snape remembered the awkward expression on Potter's face with vivid embarrassment. "If you hadn't of been there then, I wouldn't be here right now… Thank you." He extended a hand gravely, revolted by the humble pie he had forced himself to swallow. After that things had been rather awkward and touchy better James and Severus.
Snape removed the heat from the potion he'd been religiously brewing for one month. He smiled with a shade of pride at the completed product. A perfect Polyjuice Potion… Cleo, who's extra credit potion was leagues behind his, stared at his creation in awe.
"What in the world is that?" She asked pointing into his cauldron.
"Polyjuice potion…" Snape replied dryly, removing his dragon skin gloves. "Add a bit of whomever you like to the mixture and it allows you to take the form of that person." Cleo looked gracefully dumbfounded.
"Severus… You could really put your talents to work, you know…" She said somewhat darkly. Out of the corner of his eye, Snape Saw Lily Evans eyeing him warily. He looked back at Cleo.
"You're right… Maybe I could use it to teach students one day." He said it loud enough for Lily to have heard, praying that she had. Cleo pursed her lips in a very cute but pouty way. She knew perfectly well that he'd understood her true meaning. Without another word Snape bottled a sample of his impeccable concoction and swooped up to the teacher's desk and placed his flask down on the wood with a little click. Professor Slughorn looked up from his notes at Snape's perfect potion and sour face. After inspecting it with a few noises of disbelief he gave out a short cheer.
"Well, done, lad! I say, a flawless Polyjuice potion at your age! Bravo, bravo! Fifty points to Slytherin! An amazing achievement, Mr. Snape." Snape gave him a thin smile.
"A trifle, but thank you for you praise." Snape turned around and saw standing behind him.
"Severus… I wish I could be as smart as you…" She smiled, her pink lips curving into an alluring and adorable shape. Snape tried to speak but merely mumbled incoherently and walked away, cursing at himself. Lily giggled a bit to herself and set about bottling her own potion.
Snape reached the desk in a flurry. He knew James Potter's eyes were fixed on him and he chose not to return the glance. He hoped furiously that the awkward air between them was enough to ward him away from confronting him about Lily. As he started to pack his things away he noticed his cauldron and other instruments were neatly cleaned and put away. He looked around inquiringly.
"Oh, I cleaned up for you." Cleo said with a grin on her face. Snape lowered his brows, wondering why she was being so nice. He packed his things away and made to leave and Cleo once again rushed up to his side.
"Look, Severus I think we need to have a chat…" She started off in her usual. They strolled down the corridor together, Snape feeling slightly exasperated.
"I told you Cleo… I'm not interested in that stuff right no-"
"It's about that Gryffindor girl…" She said darkly. Snape could see she was enjoying watching his moment of panic. He recovered seamlessly.
"There are girls in Gryffindor?" He said mirthlessly.
"You know exactly who I'm talking about, Severus." She sped in front of him and stopped, freezing him in his tracks. He looked at her, feeling as if his heart were see-through. She smiled haughtily. "Don't try and lie to me. I've seen the way you look over at her."
"…Don't know what you're ta-"
"Too late for playing dumb. Everybody knows." She put a hand on her hip and stared him down. Severus couldn't think of what to say. He felt his face growing uncomfortably hot and he looked at his shoes.
"Why do you care anyway, it has nothing to do with you…"
"It has a lot to do with me if you're madly in love with a dirty Mudblood! That means all the things you told us was a lie… and it's not good for liars and sneaks to know about our plans, is it Severus?" Snape wasn't remotely worried about anything Cleo was saying at the moment. James Potter was standing across the hall, looking more furious than he ever had. He wasn't moving a muscle and yet Snape was filled with ice-cold dread. "Severus? Are you even listening to me?" Snape turned and began speeding in the opposite direction as fast as he could. The pounding of footsteps behind him didn't bode well. He ran all the way down into an abandoned corridor, listening to Cleo's shrieks getting farther and farther away.
"SNIVELLY! OY! STOP RIGHT THERE!" He felt a hand grasp his shoulder. James whirled him around and pinned him with unbridled strength against the wall.
"Get away from me!" Snape shouted, struggling to throw him off.
"So my hunch was right. Little Snivelly has finally reached puberty and fallen in love. Only he made the bad mistake of falling in love with my girl!" James looking startling contemptuous.
"She's nobody's girl, Potter. Maybe if you thought about it that way she wouldn't hate you as much as she does!" Snape retorted. It felt as if the unspoken tension over the subject of Lily had broken free with the force of one thousand floods. Enmity which had been stowed briefly between the two enemies burned brightly once more.
"You listen to me… Stay away from her, you hear me? I don't want a sick and depraved guy like you violating her in any way." Potter roared.
"You don't tell me what to do, Potter. I've had it with your arrogant attitude… You think just because you've got a smidge of quidditch talent that everyone in the word has to heed your every word?" James looked furious.
"I'd be careful if I were you Snivelly. Lily's in my house… If I feel like… letting certain information slip tonight in the common room, who knows what she will think of you?" James taunted. Snape couldn't conceal the feeling of wild hysteria that overcame Snape. If Lily ever knew… if she ever found out…
"You know I think I just might. See you later, Snivellus!" James threw him to the ground and began to strut off. Frenzied fear overtaking Snape he screamed at James' retreating figure.
"Pig! Come back and settle this like a man!" He plunged his hands into his robe and screamed the first word that popped into his mind.
"Sectus!! SECTUS!! SECTU….SEMPRA!" A wave of blood exploded from James' back in varying jets. Snape stood in whirling terror. He had originally planned to use 'Rictusempra', which they'd been studying in charms earlier today but the words had gotten mixed up. James collapsed, howling in pain as he lay in a puddle of his own blossoming blood. Snape ran over, wide-eyed and breathless. He stood over James' cringing form, watching his every move.
"Potter…. are you--UGH!" Potter back kicked both of Snape's legs at the ankles, causing him to land painful on his knees. He wrenched his wand out of his robes, his face shining with rage and blood.
"REDUCTO!!" Potter screamed violently. Snape was blasted off his knees and into the wall. Finding himself unable to breathe, Snape grasped his wand fiercely.
"Cru…" Snape gasped as James started rushing towards him. Before he could utter the curse James kicked Snape in the mouth, causing him to be thrown over onto his side. Snape lay on the ground moaning and sobbing. James grasped the front of Snape's robes and tugged him viciously foreword. Snape felt the inside of his lips were badly cut and pouring blood in his mouth. Several of his teeth were loose or broken. James' robes were shining with blood and he looked fearsome.
"Unforgivable curses, Snivelly?" He spoke in a guttural and ruthless tone. "Very wrong indeed. Snape put a protective hand over his mauled face and whimpered in unbearable pain. He could feel the foul slipperiness of the blood and saliva mixture on his throbbing jaw. "You think you're so strong? You're pathetic… Lily could never love you. Never. You know why? Because you're a cruel, hideous, greasy little wart. Now you need to be taught a bit of a lesson I think." James' breath was haggard and vicious. He got to his knees above the cowering form of Severus and repeatedly jammed his fist into Snape's stomach. After Snape had curled into a shivering mess on the floor, James' staggered to his feet. "Lucky for you I'm feel kind today. I won't tell anyone you did this to me…" He laughed haughtily with some effort as Snape looked up to him with streaming eyes. "But I will tell every Gryffindor and Evans all that I know about your desires… and maybe a little more if I'm feeling creative!" James staggered off clumsily down the hall, leaving Snape lying broken and bleeding in the hallway. Snape rolled over onto his stomach, every inch of him aching. He got to his feet slowly and precariously. It felt like the most difficult endeavor he had ever achieved. Every time he breathed, flecks of blood shot from his mouth. He stumbled down the hall, knowing he was close to collapsing at any moment. Where was everybody? Why was no one helping him? He trudged through the hallway, every second like a moment in hell. When he stepped into the entrance hall, looking tragically beaten, his hand dripping with blood and clapped over his mutilated face. A group of Gryffindors were chatting together in the hall turned and looked at him. One or two of them gasped. He heard something laughing contemptuously. He turned towards the sound and saw a tall Gryffindor prefect pointing and laughing at him. At once cruel laughter began to echo throughout the hall, reverberating off the marble floors and ceilings. They were all laughing. Laughing at his anguish and pain.
Letting his hand fall to his side and splattering blood on the smooth floor. He turned to the large Gryffindor who'd started the laughter.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" He screamed at the chortling boy.
"Ten points from Slytherin. Bad language is inexcusable!" The prefect retorted. The laughter grew stronger. Snape boiled in inexplicable rage and limped as fast as he could out the doors in the freezing December night. The biting cold added to Snape's pain as he stumbled weakly across the grounds and to the edge of the lake. Snow powdered the ground where he stood and a thin sheath of frost covered the lake. Snape had never felt more miserable or hopeless in his life. It wasn't even the fact that he was suffering physically and emotionally that bothered him the most. In a few short hours Lily Evans would know of his passion towards her. She'd know it as a perverse and disgusting lie from James'. From tonight on the only person who had ever been kind to Severus would begin to hate and mock him like everyone else. The one good thing in his life was about to disappear for good. He gazed out at the lake. My life isn't worth living…
Stepping closer to the frozen surface was torture, but he made it eventually. He looked out at the rippling surface, white clouds emissing from his raw mouth. He considered seriously whether pain of death was worse than pain of life. A wave of anguish swept him as he thought of Lily's reaction to his feelings. Would she laugh? Feel a sort of pity for him? Or be outright disgusted…?
Dying was worlds better than any of the three.
Severus stepped into the icy water up to his ankles.It'll only hurt for a moment longer he convinced himself, breathlessly scared at the thought.He waded deeper in until the freezing water snapped at his knees. His legs were numb. His heart pounded with the idea of what he was about to do. My life was horrible from my first moments, wasn't it? Why did this happen to me? He went in farther, the numb pain beginning to subside somewhat.
I wonder what's waiting for me on the other side of those dark waters…
I wonder if anyone will miss me….
A terrible thought suddenly gripped Severus' throat and tears ran hot down his face, mulling with the blood on his chin.
I wonder if you'll cry… Lily…
He watched his own tears join with the cold water. Kicking away the thin crust of ice from the top of the lake he made an opening for himself. Without warning, as if his body was acting for him, he plunged himself into the icy water. It was torture. The epitome of pain. His head was pounding from the feirce cold of the water, but he managed to extract his wand. Nonverbally commanding ropes to bind his feet to a rock on the lake floor, Severus watched his oily black hair floating in the water above him. He could see the moon winking at him from above the surface of the water. Numbness gripped his body. He began to choke, feeling the searing water flood down his throat and into his lungs. Cold death was becoming a part of him, just as his tears had been swallowed by the water. His heart was pumping desperatly fast, his lungs exploding. His automatically struggling limbs began to loose feeling and his eyes shut slowly.
Lily…
It was so cold… so painfully cold…
You were… the moment of quiet… in my life of torment…
A plunging sound erupted into the water and the ropes that bound him to death were suddenly cut. He floated to the surface, gasping for breath but finding he could not. The water in his lungs was preventing it. A thin but strong arm grasped him and began pulling him into shore as he sputtered and choked up water. Once he was safely back on the rocky shore of the lake, he continued to cough out all the water from his lungs. Gasping and pulling stinging breathes of life, he lay on the shore, not really sure what had happened. He heard a person coughing and dripping water beside him. He turned his head to see Lily herself, crawling on the rocks, her hair sopping wet. He felt angry and tormented.
"WHY… did you stop me?" His voice shaking with rage and weakness. Lily struggled over to him, her eyes red and her body shaking. She slapped him bluntly across the face, sending Snape into another whirl of pain. He bellowed and grasped his face. The shreds and holes on the inside of his mouth were raw from the freezing water, his splintered teeth were needles in his mouth. "You little… Don't try and stop me… I want to die… don't you understand?" Snape snarled, grabbing his wand and pointing it at himself.
"Avada Ke-" Lily ripped the wand from his hand and tossed it into the pebbles beside her. She threw her arms around Severus and sobbed into his chest. Shaking and at his wit's end, Snape put his arms around her in return. The two sat shivering and holding each other in the freezing cold for what seemed like eternity. Eventually Lily looked up, her countenance anguished.
"Why, Severus? Why?" She looked so helpless and hurt. Snape frowned miserably.
"Because I have nothing to live for, Lily… My life is hell…" She looked at him concernedly.
"Nobody's life is that bad…" She said softly.
"Oh yeah!?" He yelled, feeling very misunderstood. "I have no friends! Nobody likes me, everybody thinks I'm just some greasy laughingstock to poke fun at! I have to live with the dread of being tormented and displayed like some sort of show everyday of my life! Do you know what that's like? To be completely alone? I have no one on my side!" Lily looked quite shaken.
"W-what about your parents?" She ventured cautiously. Snape laughed derisively, whipping back the sleeve of his robe that clung to his wet skin. The scar on his fore arm looked pearly white in the moonlight. "My filthy Muggle father gave this to me when I was six. He'd discovered that my mother was a witch and he beat her down. When I tried to protect her he stabbed my arm with a broken beer bottle. My mother left the family, but wouldn't take me with her because she said I needed to go to school. I lived with that drunken man until last summer, when my mother returned to kill him and set me free of the torture. For all I know she could've died in the process. I have no family." He raged at her. Tears leaked from Lily's eyes. "Nothing in my life makes me happy besides exacting cruel revenge on people who hurt me…That is no way to live…"
"Isn't there anything, Severus!?" Lily yelped thickly through her tears. "There has to be one thing that's good in your life…one thing to live for..." She was weeping. Snape totally broke down.
"There is one thing…" He began miserably, not trusting the words coming out of him mouth. "There's an... abosuletly... beautiful girl that I love. But why live waiting to be rejected? Honestly… who could ever love someone as hideous as me? Someone as disgusting as me…" He ended pathetically.
"Severus, don't talk like this please… You're not hideous or disgusting…" She looked glum but she pulled her wand out. "I'm sorry James did this to you… Episkey…" Snape's torn lips and broken teeth began to mend themselves and the searing pain coming to an eventual stop. She produced a wet handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the blood off of Snape's face and neck. Her gentle kindness and healing spells seemed to quiet the torrent of sorrow in Snape. He felt a simple and powerful affection for the girl that pulled him from the freezing waters… She smiled and put the handkerchief back into her pocket and grabbed both of Snape's hands, giving him the kindest of looks.
"Listen to me… please… Even when you're life seems terrible… even when you can't force yourself to take one more step… You can't give up… You are here for a reason, Severus. I know you have a lot of pain in your life, but trust me… It can't last forever… You need to stay alive… even if it's just for that girl…" Severus nodded in agreement. "...and you're not alone. I'm here for you..." Even sopping wet and shivering Lily was angelic. Seeing her shiver, Snape removed his robes and dried them with a jet of hot air from his wand. He wrapped the robes around Lily and pulled them tightly closed. She smiled. Snow flakes began to drift slowly from the sky, dotting themselves in Lily's vivacious hair.
"Thank you, Lily…" He said, never meaning it more purely than he did in that one moment. With a new found quiet in his soul, he walked her up to the entrance hall and thanked her again. She gave him another smile.
"Severus… I was scared tonight… Please don't do that to me. I really… I really do care about you, you know…" Snape's heart had never before felt so light. He didn't dare to believe his ears and yet, the sweet sounds of those words sent him into a world of ecstasy. He couldn't even reply. "Goodnight." She said sweetly and begun to climb the stairs. Halfway she stopped and turned back slowly to Snape who was still watching her with a rapt gaze.
"By the way… err, I just wondering... but...who… is that girl you like, anyway?" She inquired in a gentle way. Snape's heart hammered and he looked at his feet, thinking of what to say. He looked back up into her earnest face.
"You haven't figured it out by now…?" He said with a wry, sheepish smile. Before she could answer he turned and set off towards the dungeon and to the Slytherin common room. He wouldn't have his answer until a week later when he was boarding the Hogwarts Express for home. Looking out wistfully at the castle and thinking of his close calls in the past few months, Snape found it hard to believe he was standing in the snow at all, just as he was about to turn to board the train, he spied Lily running towards him, waving.
"Severus, wait!" She called out. Snape felt a tad uneasy; he was worried that James might be watching the whole scene from the sidelines. Lily came up to him, quite out of breath.
"Lily, what are you doing here? I thought you were staying in the castle this time around?" She caught her breath and stood up straight. She wore a cute pink ski hat over her bright hair and a knit sweater.
"I am… I just wanted to say goodbye to you!" She smiled cheerfully. Snape's face flushed.
"Oh…er… well, goodbye…" Snape said awkwardly.
"See you in a couple of weeks. Oh, by the way…" She started to look a but shy. Snape might've been wrong, but at the moment he was sure it was the most endearing thing he'd even laid eyes on. "I have." She said simply. Snape was totally perplexed.
"You have what?" He asked in a very surly manner.
"I have figured it out." She continue. Alarm and nerves swept him and before he could even think about reacting she produced something from her bag and tossed it around his neck. It was a hand-knitted scarf. Snape had never blushed so furiously. Without warning she grabbed his hands and pulled him downwards. In one glorious moment she leaned close to him and brought her soft, warm lips to his cheek. Then just as quickly she gave a tuneful "Goodbye!" and ran off in the opposite direction. Snape stood in a total daze, no able to move.
Did that really just happen?
It was, and always would be, the best moment in Severus Snape's entire life.