Note: Welp, sorry to break yer hearts, but this be the last chapter. I know no one's gonna like it, but this is the way it would have ended plausibly. Now, I really want to write (And have sort of begun) an alternate ending that finishes one a much nicer note. If anyone reading this would like to see that, please leave me a review saying so, and I think I'll go through with it :D Enjoy!
Chapter 7 - Ending 1
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
Lily Evans sat in the Gryffindor common. A book was open on her lap and a half finished essay in front of her. Her quill was dripping a steady flowing of ink onto her paper, but she didn't notice in the slightest. Inside her mind a thousand questions and worries flowed by at speedy intervals. When James Potter touched her on the shoulder, she jumped, spilling ink all over her front.
"Oh no!" She frowned. James smiled at her apologetically.
"Sorry, Evans. Let me get that for you." With a flick of his wand the black ink stains faded away.
"Thanks, Potter." She said gratefully, "All right, then?"
"Yeah, I'm always fine, you know me…" He said huskily. "Look, I was just wondering… I overheard some people talking today… and I was just wondering if… anything was going on between you and Sniv-- I mean, Snape."
Two things went on in Lily's mind at once. Along with feeling embarrassed and perturbed, a strange sense of importance swept over her. She suddenly felt as if this moment would be very important to her life, somehow. With this disquieting sense, she considered two responses in her mind. Looking up into James' face she suddenly knew exactly what to say.
The cruelty and torment that James had plagued Severus with was just too much. In that one instant Lily decided that she didn't want to share anything of her personal issues with him at all. She especially didn't want him going off to beat on poor Severus because of her decision. She gave him an aloof look and turned to her book.
"I don't know who's been saying that or why, but maybe they should mind their business instead of making up mean rumors about people they don't even know. That goes for you too." She ended snappishly. James looked taken aback, but recovered quickly, rumpling his hair playfully.
"Well, then… if nothing's going on between you can Snape, can something be going on between you and me?" He flashed his most roguish smile. Lily looked at him shortly and leaned in close.
"Sure…" She said in a sultry voice. James looked as if Christmas had come early. "How about we start with me storming off and never speaking to you again?" James' expression darkened. She snapped her book shut and made towards the girl's dormitories. James called after her.
"It's only a matter of time, Evans! You won't be able to resist me for long!" He called after her. A chorus of giggles erupted from the girls who were watching the scene. James turned in their direction and lifted up his pinky. "I've got her wrapped around my finger…"
Meanwhile, halfway across the school Snape was exiting the Astronomy classroom, looking haggard. Tired and worried, he decided to turn in early this evening. As he begun to descend the staircase that led to the main hall of the school, he heard a voice purr out of the shadows.
"Severus…" He turned to see Lily leaning alluringly against the wall, her hair twisted around her index finger suggestively. Snape nearly dropped his telescope in his alarm.
"Oh… hello Lily." He cleared his throat. "Did…er…did you get my message?" He asked. She stepped in his direction, her skirt twitching from side to side as she moved. She nodded, grabbed his arm and pulled him round the circular tower to the observation deck. Mouth dry and heart beating fast, he let her drag him into the cool and blustery night.
Outside the stars were blazing above head and the trees ringing Hogwarts were alive and dancing in the wind. The silvery moon was reflected on the surface of the lake and the world below was still. Lily went and rested her elbows on the stone railing. Severus thought he'd better say something.
"So, er-"
"I've thought a lot about what you asked of me, Snape…" She interrupted. Her hair billowed in the gentle breeze. She turned to look at him, green eyes ablaze even in the twilight.
"You have?" He pressed on apprehensively.
"And first…. I have to apologize to you, honestly…" Cold fear gripped Snape's throat. Oh no…oh please, no… "I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea, I really didn't." Lily's voice had a slight whine in it. Snape shook his head, looking for something to hang on to. "I thought you knew the reason I was trying to befriend you…" He looked up at her, his eyes scared.
"It was really… only pity." Snape felt as if the world around him was being torn to bits. He felt as if the very walls around him were imploding, crashing down upon the ground, crushing ever soul beneath them. Her words sounded distant and unreal. "I mean, I don't want to be rude, but honestly. Don't you think you were being a bit presumptuous? I'm Lily Evans! I can have any boy in the school, what makes you think I'd settle for… someone like you?" Her tone was scathing as if she were scolding him. Snape's throat began to burned and it took all the effort inside of him to keep from sinking to his knees in despair. "I'm sorry, but don't you realize how ugly you really are? Maybe you should think about that next time you put a respected lady in an embarrassing situation, hm?" She walked automatically towards the door. Snape's shaking legs gave out for under him.
Oh God… no… please don't let this happen… please…
Lily walked beside where Snape kneeled, tears streaming from his eyes. She put a dainty white finger on his chin and forced him to face her. He looked back up at her, looking utterly wounded and broken with his mouth hanging open and tears staining his chalk white face. She gave him a half-hearted grin as she let her emerald eyes pierce his dark ones. Without the slightest bit of self-control Snape reached out for her.
"Lily, please!" She howled. She drew back with out warning and slapped his face forcefully. She grabbed the front of his robes and looked into his face, seething.
"Don't you ever touch me." She snapped. Remorseless, she threw him to the ground nonchalantly, then continued on her way, stroking her hair into place. Snape lay on the cold stone, his face stinging and his heart aching. A great and terrible numbness seemed to devour him from the inside out.
You knew this would happen… How could you have been so stupid?
As he sat with his back against the jagged stone wall, he was sure that a large, gaping hole had been carved into his chest. The world was becoming a black pit of tortuous agony. A great pounding and grinding of metal and bone ripped at Snape's ears. He could hear himself weeping, but it seemed so far off and unreal.
Howling in despair he snatched his wand from his pocket. And jabbed it against his own neck. Her encouraging life-saving words from before were all a dirty lie.
"You lying bitch! You filthy whore!" He screamed, "Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, AVADA KEDAVRA!" Snape cried over and over. It wouldn't work. No flash of green life would rise forth and end his sorrow. No emancipating glow could come and wipe his life away like a smudge of ash on sheet of paper. Lip quivering, he couldn't think of what do next. He got up, head pounding and eyes still streaming. He bolted down the stairs as fast as he could. The world was spinning cruelly, mocking his pain. As he ran down stairs and corridors he begged the powers that be for one last sanctum.
Just hide me away… plunge me into darkness… Let me escape from this terrible place for but a moment… Give me a place to hide away…
At once the spinning and churning halls stood still and a smooth black door was right in Snape's path. Hurtling towards it with all his might he threw himself inside and shut the door safely behind him.
Darkness…
Quiet…
Stillness…
Everything stood frozen. Snape closed his eyes, feeling as if he were miles and fathoms away from everything. He let the darkness soak into him, shedding the constant pressures and sorrows of the world beyond the darkness.
I will stay here… until… I can bear to breathe again…I will sit in this cold blackness until every shred of you has been burned away from me…
The flames were gone forever.
It was two days before O.W.L.S and there as still no sign of Snape, who'd been missing for three days. Lily had asked every Slytherin if they'd seen him lately, but not a one knew where he was, even after their stream of insults and jeers had ended.. Lily was sincerely worried about him, day after day her mind concocting insane explanations for his disappeared. On the evening of the third day she was at her wits end. Bucking up her courage, she decided to confront James. She marched right up to him while him and his usual crowd were studying intensely for their upcoming tests.
"James Potter." She called for his attention brusquely. He looked up immediately at the sound of her voice.
"Evans! You're looking especially lovely this evening, did you know?" He said, rumpling his hair nervously. She gave him a scathing look.
"You wouldn't have anything to do with Snape's disappearance, would you?" She snapped, her eyes narrow slits.
"I swear on my heart of gold, no harm from mine hands didst befall him." He said nobly with a bow. She scoffed at him and moved away from him, feet leading her away from the common room and through the portrait hole. She knew she ought to be studying, but she simply couldn't concentrate. Something was definitely wrong, she could feel it. Drifting aimlessly through the halls of the school, Lily prayed that she could find someway of knowing where Severus had gone… She found her way to the center of the school and stood outside of the library, hopeless.
"Where are you Severus…" She whispered hopelessly.
"Looking for something?" Said a cold voice emanating from down the corridor. She turned, heart pumping to see Snape himself staggering towards her from out of the gloom. She broke into a relieved smile.
"Oh, Severus! You're back! I've been so worried! Oh, gosh… What happened to you? Are you all right?" His face was pallid and emaciated and he was shooting her a look of pure hatred. "Severus?"
"You've got it all wrong, Evans. It's Snivellus, remember?" He sneered at her, his lip curling.
"What? I'd... never call you that, what are you talking about?" She rushed towards him and he pushed her aside roughly. "What's gotten into you, Severus?" She looked terror struck.
"Nothing that would concern someone of your standing, I'm sure. The feelings of us lesser mortals shouldn't bother the great Lily Evans." He tried to escape from her, but she followed him, confused and hurt looking.
"What's wrong, I don't understand." She pleaded, dashing to keep up with him.
"Go away and leave me alone. Haven't you done enough damage, already?" He roared at her, refusing to look her in the eye. Lily stopped and gained a fearsome look.
"Now you just tight there. You have no right to treat me like this without an explanation. This kind of behavior is hurting me, Severus!" Snape stopped in his tracks and stood dangerously still. He turned slowly, wearing his ugliest sneer. The two stared at each other for one long moment.
"Hurting you…?" He breathed low and venomously, like the rattle of a poisonous snake. He rushed at her lightening quick. He thrust her to the wall violently and pinned her there by her wrists. She screamed as he pressed her hands painfully in to the wall.
"Stop! What's wrong with you?" She shrieked, looking at him for the first time with fearful eyes. She looked like a frightened animal about to meet it's demise. Her vulnerability thrilled him.
"I'm hurting you?" He heaved hatefully, pressing her wrists forcefully against the stone wall of the corridor. She winced in pain and shrunk back from him. "How DARE you!?" He laughed wheezing, in a way that reminded him terrifyingly of his father. "Me hurt you? YOU TORE ME APART!" He shouted into her ear. He didn't care who saw them or what happened. It was only them in a silent world and he was going to have his say. "You cunning little whore. You lead me on! You knew I'd fall for you, didn't you? You knew it'd be an easy task, didn't you? I'll admit, you really had me going. So who was in on the joke? Potter? Black? A bet you all had a good laugh, didn't you?" He snarled. Lily was weeping.
"S-severus… I d-don't know what you're t-talking about… I could never do any of those things to you…" Suddenly Snape felt his anger ebb away into strong revulsion for himself. A powerful shot of depression coursed through his veins like poison. He looked at her, into her beautiful, tear swollen eyes, her rosy, quivering lips. He released her and backed away, hardly daring to breath. What have I done? "Severus… please… I love you… I honestly do… Please believe me… I beg you… Say you believe me…" She plodded towards him, her body uncoordinated with tremors. Snape looked at her, negativity soaking his mind. How he wanted to say he believed, how he ached to hold her in his arms and beg for her forgiveness. But it was too late. What she had done had cut too deeply. He was beyond repair.
"I'm a different man than I was before, Lily. I loved you more than anyone in the world and you crushed me… I don't know why you… changed your mind all of a sudden… but the person you knew is dead… I'm just all that's left…" Lily collapsed on Snape, gripping him tightly and sobbing wildly.
"Please don't say that! Please, Severus… Please believe me… Say that you believe me! I'll d-do anything…!" She gulped, throwing her entire weight onto his body. Aching inside and out, Snape put his arms around her, enveloping her in his voluminous black cloak. They sunk to the floor together, Lily shivering violently. Snape looked into her face, feeling every bit of pain that ate away at Lily. Her eyes were ringed with red and her hair was lank a lifeless.
"You want me to believe?" He laughed humorlessly. "I believed once… I believed my most desperate desire could become a reality… I believed for one beautiful moment that someone could… actually love me… I believed it, and because of that I've been burned away… I can't believe in anything… ever again…" He whispered, releasing her from his grip. He got shakily to his feet and walked down the dark corridor, leaving Lily kneeling in the middle of the hallway, howling at the ceiling.
Lily Evans sat glumly in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room. It was hard for her to see anything straightly. She knew exams were halfway over, but she could barely think of who she was or why she was sitting there looking so defeated. Half the time she was very aware of what was happening, but the other half she could barely stand being in the reality she was trapped in. She found it hard to believe the light fluttering of her heart had been shredded to a dull and lifeless pounding in her chest. She still had no idea why Severus had suddenly begun hating her, but her distant emotion and her recent failed attempt at reconciliation had crushed her even deeper into the ashes of her despair.
"Lily?" Said a kind voice to her left. Feeling as if she were underwater, she saw the mild and pale face of Remus Lupin back at her, smiling feebly. "You don't look so well." He sat down in the chair beside her.
"I don't feel so well…" She admitted, her own voice sounding foreign to her. Remus' eyebrows lowered a bit.
"Was it because of what Snape said today after the exams?" He guessed lightly. Lily looked at him, hearing the vicious tones of the boy she was once in love with echoing in her head.
I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!
Her own cool voice replayed automatically.
Fine. I won't bother in the future…Snivellus…
How she could've said those things, she wasn't sure. She only knew that the happiness that had once lived inside her, like a song, was dead. She looked darkly at Remus.
"James was right about him all along." She croaked, her own words weighting down her soul.
"Lily… Don't let it bother you… Look, I know James can be a real jerk sometimes, but he's not a bad person…" Remus started delicately.
"I know, I know…" Lily agreed peering over to where James sat across the common room. He was sulking miserably in the corner, toying with a golden snitch dejectedly.
"He'd never say so, but he's really upset over what you said…won't you maybe… give him another chance…?" Remus pleaded. His strong love of his friends touched Lily and gave her the first warm feelings in days. She smiled at Remus.
"I'm not making any promises, but I'll try." She said soberly. James was starting to look different to her. No longer was he the attention seeking bully. He was the warrior that had tried to protect from the cruelty of people like…like Snape… Getting up from her chair, she drifting over to James, feeling slightly ill. He sat up stiffly as he saw her coming over.
"A-all right Evans?" His voice was unsure. Lily smiled a bit dolefully.
"All right, Potter." There was a short moment before she spoke again. "Look, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I'm just stressed… exams, you know?" James' face cracked into a wide grin.
"It's not big deal… I wasn't, you know, worried over it or anything, though." He said with confidence. Lily returned the smile and extended a hand to him.
"Friends?"
"Friends!"
"Today's the day, friends…" Lucius Malfoy drawled to the ring around him. "Today is the day that we leave these hallowed halls of Hogwarts for good and make our way into the world." The seventh year Slytherins crowding round Lucius smiled and looked into each other's faces. "For seven long years we've worked studiously besides Muggle-born filth, we've endured being put on equal ground with Mudbloods and Blood traitors. But now we enter a new age…" He discreetly slide back the robes that hid the dark mark which had been burned on his skin. "We are becoming part of the faction that will prove once and for all who runs our wizarding community…" Bellatrix, Narcissa, Cleo, Avery, Nott and Snape stood around him, all nodding in silent agreement.
It had been two long years since the fateful day Snape had drove Lily from his side for good. No longer did his heart ache with pain, but rather a cold iciness had settled upon his heart. He felt nothing. Nothing at all.
He was moving on to join the Death Eaters and remove the ones that soiled this world with their cruel mocking. The group of Death Eaters to be broke apart slowly. As Snape moved to grab his things he noticed Cleo was looking at him.
"What?" He drawled emotionlessly. She shook her head and gave him a nostalgic look.
"I was just thinking how much more adult you looked. How you grew from that little weed into the man you are today." She said simply. Snape could tell she wasn't lying.
"Glad to see someone's tracking my progress." He replied sarcastically. "Although, I have you to thank for that, don't I, Cleo?"
"Damn right you do." She scoffed, pushing he smooth hair languidly from her eyes. "Know where you'd be without me?" She started as if setting up a hilarious.
"Where?" Snape decided to humor her, though grudgingly.
"At the beckon and call of a Mudblood Princess." She said pointedly. "And that's a fact." Snapped snorted at her.
"What would you know about what happened?" He asked her, none too concerned. She stopped. An uncomfortable silence bloomed between the two. Snape looked back at her directly. Her face showed signs of mild discomfort.
"You haven't realized it was me, have you?" Her voice was stony.
"What are you talking about?" Snape pressed waspishly.
"That night on the astronomy tower. That was me." She stared at him, unblinking.
"What? That's impossible. How could you have known about that?" Snape breathed. A subtle emotion stirred in him. It was more than he'd felt in two years.
"Snape, I had to… You knew too much… You were acting like a crazy person… hounding… a Mudblood…" Cleo retreated.
"What in the world are you saying…" And suddenly it made all to much sense. It made painfully too much sense. He looked at her, not able to even feel angry at her. "My Polyjuice potion…" He felt as if he'd been turned to stone. Cleo nodded feebly. Snape felt a swarm of guilt and wrong striking him like a thousand bee-stings. His head was whirling… maybe it wasn't… too late to apologize… He looked up at Cleo, his eyes full of purpose. He ran into the dormitory and frantically found a sheaf of parchment. Wrenching his quill and ink from the drawer beside him, he began scribble furiously. Fifteen minutes later he folded the paper unceremoniously and shoved it into an envelope.
It wasn't too late… He could still catch her. Flashes of where he was headed appeared before his eyes. Through the dungeons and up the stairs into the entrance hall.
Where is she!? She's got to be around somewhere!
Snape wheeled around the hall, looking for the slender form of Lily Evans anywhere. He saw Lupin, Black and Pettigrew amongst the crowd. Potter and Evans couldn't be far behind. At last he saw them in the doorway, ringed by a halo of light from the outdoors. James had his arms around Lily's slender waist and she was staring adoringly up into his face, stroking his hair. Snape wished he could speak to her alone, but there was no other way. Time was running short.
"Lily!" He shouted at her. Her named hadn't been on his lips for so very long. It sounded like a forgotten song. She looked in is direction, an aloof expression on her face. James frowned at Severus as he approached panting. "Lily… I…" He began, feeling totally out of place with James and Sirius eyeing him warily. She no longer wore the kind expression she graced him with years before. Her face was blank. Expressionless.
"Listen, Lily… I… just…realized…"
"What are you doing, Snape? Don't think you can just come and talk to her like you're friends or something…" Potter growled.
"No, you don't understand… I need to apologize to you, Evans." Snape started. Lily looked unfazed. "Look, take this. Please read it… please." Lily looked at his envelope briefly, then shook her head gracefully.
"Sorry Severus…" She whispered. James, an arm around her shoulders, wheeled her away, giving Snape a dirty look. Snape watched in disbelief as Lily slowly walked away.
"Lily… I…" He stopped, direly wanting to turn time back. "Lily, I believe you!!" He shouted with all his might, wondering whether it would mean anything at all to her. Surprisingly, she turned and gave him one long, surprised look before she stepped out of the door and out of Severus Snape's life.
He could see his own eyes reflected in the window pane. Outside the world was dismal and dark, dripping wet with the wretched and uncouth rains. They were indeed the same eyes. With light and delicate movements, Snape picked the envelope from the ground. With trembling fingers, he extracted to paper from it's resting place and read his own writing with a dull sense of illness.
Lily Evans,
You gave me a moment of quiet in my life of torment. Without you I would surely have lost my life to my own foolishness. I loved you more deeply than anyone I ever had the luck to meet, and yet I threw your affections aside without thinking… and I did so because of a foolish misunderstanding. If I had the chance to live my life again, I want you to know I would've acted different.
I can't blame you if you hate me…. I hate myself when I think of what I did to you… I simply want to apologize, if that means anything to you. I never deserved to speak your name, and yet you gifted me the greatest happiness in this green world. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I want to let you know that I loved you truly… and that I will love you until the day I die…
Goodbye,
Severus Snape
Snape crushed the letter in his hand. She would never read it. She could not where she had gone. She walked on the other side of the dark waters. She was dead. Dead at Severus Snape's own hands. And all he would ever have to prove that she once walked, that she once laughed and lived…The only proof of her existence was a simple moment of quiet.