September

Lulu

There was a knock at my door. I quickly took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. I looked down at the magazine I had opened in front of me. I knew that half the female nurses didn't ask before coming in, and I didn't want them to ask why I had been crying.

"Yeah?" I called.

The door opened and Patrick came in. The nice thing about being in general hospital when visitors weren't allowed was that I knew half the staff already. Those who wanted to could come to see me. This didn't look like a personal visit though. He was flipping through my increasingly fat folder.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, looking up.

I shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

"Any chills, nausea, headaches or fever?"

"All of the above."

He perched himself at the edge of my bed. "It will get better, you know."

"That's what I hear." He stuck his stethoscope in his ears and put it against my back. He had me inhale and exhale a couple of times, then wrote something down in my chart and put it aside.

"How are you really doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean other than medically."

"I've been better."

"You've been talking to Lainey?"

"Yeah."

"You know we're all behind you on this, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Emily, Robin, Nikolas, and I are ready to help you with anything you need. I can't speak for your brother or Elizabeth, but I'd be willing to bet that they would too."

"I doubt that Emily will ever be able to look at me again."

"Why's that?"

"You saw her when I came into the ER. And I haven't seen her since."

"She cares about you. Seeing you like that would have been upsetting for anyone. Yes, Emily took it especially hard. But you have to understand where she's coming from."

"I do understand! Look where I am!"

"Listen, Lulu, you know I tell it like it is, and I know a lot of people choose not to hear me because of it. So you can either take what I'm about to say as truth, or you can write me off as an ass. I don't care either way."

"Okay."

"You're a smart kid. What happened wasn't good, but it's not the end of the world. You can get past this, and it doesn't have to define who you become. Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. And if I hadn't been so intent on proving that I'm not my father, I probably would have ended up right where you are."

"Really?"

"Really." His pager went off and he looked down. "I have to go, but I'll come by to check on you soon." He got off the bed, made it to the door, then stopped and looked at me. "Lainey's probably told you that you have to accept responsibility for your decisions, right?"

"Yeah."

"That part's true. Just remember it's not your fault."

"It kind of is."

"Not everything that led up to it. And the sooner you begin to believe that, the sooner you'll stop hating yourself."

June

"Emily?" I called, trying to find her room in the long hallway. I felt like an idiot for forgetting which one it was, and with the doors closed, all the rooms looked the same.

"In here!" she shouted from the door furthest from me. I made my way as quickly as I could in stiletto heels and a robe. Nikolas had rented out a little chapel, the same that he and Emily had originally been married in, and we were trying to get ready in the bridal room.

Emily had asked me to be her maid of honour. At first, I had asked her to ask Elizabeth, but she had insisted that I was the one she wanted up there. She kept reminding me that I was going to be her family. I had never really had a steady family before. I liked it. But now she and I were rushing around the back halls, trying to get ready for what felt like a shot-gun wedding. I came into the room and found her dabbing at her eyes.

"Emily? What's wrong?"

She looked up at me and smiled. "It's nothing. It's just an emotional day."

I walked over to her. I still wasn't good at this part. I reached out and put my hand on top of hers. She looked up and smiled.

"I always wanted a sister," I told her in a feeble attempt to make her feel better. Sister, I thought to myself. Family.

Alan. She was getting married without Alan there to give her away. Somehow the thought hadn't crossed my mind until then. She hadn't asked anyone to do it. I thought quickly of the people who were coming who might give her away. Lucky? It seemed strangely appropriate with him being her new brother and all. Edward? He was acting all crabby about the wedding, but he had a soft spot for her. If she asked, he'd do it. And Jason. Jason had called just before we had left the house to say he was coming.

"Thanks," she told me in what sounded like a sincere tone. "I know it's my wedding day and I should be happy, but I can't stop thinking. . ."

"About Alan?"

"About him. About my real mom. I made it through the first time without her. It just never occurred to me that I might do it again without Alan. Don't get me wrong, Lulu. I know how lucky I am to have had the Quartermaines take me in the way they did, and I know how lucky I am to be getting to call you, Lucky, and Spencer." She looked up, and any sadness that she felt seemed to disappear. "But, enough about that, we need to get ready!"

They had decided on a small ceremony. There were only about 20 people coming, and Emily had very clearly requested that instead of wedding presents, they make a donation to charity. She had chosen a simple, plain white dress, and had given me the choice of any dress that I wanted.

We both got dressed, and I fixed her make-up and hair. She looked like a princess. I supposed that made sense, since technically she was marrying a prince.

"Are you ready?" I asked her.

Any doubt she had been having was gone. She smiled at me. "Lead on."

"I know I'm probably going to get killed for this," Milo whispered to me at the reception, "but you look beautiful."

I turned around to see him properly. Since I had been at the altar with Emily, he had been forced to sit at the back with Jason, getting uncomfortable glances from everyone. I smiled at him and he leaned down to kiss me. Despite my three inch heels, he still stood five inches above me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lucky watching us.

"Don't look now," I whispered, keeping my head right by his, "but I think my brother's trying to figure out how he can kill you and make it look like an accident."

He grinned. "Is that a problem for you?"

"Can't say it is."

"Then I'm going to stay here. And I'd say there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to kiss you again." Staying true, he leaned in and kissed me again. "Is he like this with all the guys you date?"

I pulled back slightly. "I don't know, I haven't really dated much." I spotted a waiter going by with a tray of champagne and I grabbed two flutes. Nikolas was getting ready to speak. I handed one glass to Milo and turned around to listen. Milo slid one hand around to pull me into him. I smiled and put my hand on top of his, lacing our fingers together. I rested my head against his shoulder, and felt a wave of emotions rush over me. You know that feeling when you realize that the person you've always wanted to be, or what you've always wanted has come true? With his arm around me I felt an odd sense of security. I felt like I had found what I had found in Dillon, back before I knew better. But I wasn't lying to Milo. He had seen me upset, and he had seen me hurt, and it didn't seem to faze him at all. I didn't feel like I had to censor myself around him. I just got to be.

I didn't know how anyone could ever ask for anything more.

Milo took the launch back to the island with me. Nikolas probably wouldn't have approved of us being there alone, but I had left out Milo when he was making the rules for me moving in with him. So technically speaking, I wasn't breaking any rules.

"I had a really good time," he told me. He had draped his jacket over my shoulders when we got off the launch, the air being much cooler than I had anticipated. I didn't have to ask. We were walking fairly aimlessly around the island, his arm carefully wrapped around my shoulder and helping me keep balanced more than I would have liked to admit. Between the multiple glasses of wine, high heels, and uneven ground, I was an accident waiting to happen. I looked up to the clearing I had found earlier in the week and pulled Milo over. Surrounded by trees, this one place was sloped enough to see the moonlight on the water, and clear enough to be able to see the stars around the trees.

"What is this place?" he asked.

"Just a place a found. Living on an island can be interesting sometimes, you know." I turned around, leaving his hands on my shoulders, and leaned up to kiss him. I kicked off my shoes, then sat down in the middle of the clearing.

"What are you doing?" he laughed.

"Get down here and see."

Reluctantly, he sat down beside me. "Wow."

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he agreed softly. "But I wasn't talking about the view."

I turned to him to find him looking at me. The moonlight softened his chocolate coloured eyes. Slowly, I lay back against the ground. He followed.

"I never would have picked out for a nature girl."

"I'm not. It's just so pretty." I rolled over to him a put my head on his shoulder. He brought one arm around me, fingertips brushing against my bare shoulders.

"You really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?"

I smiled again but again tried to brush it off. "I think you had a little too much champagne."

He took the hint and dropped it. "Tell me a secret," I told him.

"A secret?"

"Yeah," I told him, rolling over so that my body was perpendicular to his. I was still lying on his chest, but I could see at him when he was speaking. "It doesn't have to be a big secret. Just something nobody else knows."

He thought for a minute. "My favourite movie is Crash."

"No one else knows that?"

"I don't think so. How about this- I'm a closeted Jack Johnson fan."

"I never would have guessed that."

"Does it count as a secret?"

"I guess it does."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Tell me a secret about you."

"I have no idea who Jack Johnson is."

He laughed. "That counts as a secret?"

"I guess not. Then how about this?" I sat up enough to bring my face to his. "Tonight, the whole night, but especially right now, is the best night I've ever had."

"Really?" he asked, a soft look on his face.

"Really." He kissed me again. I leaned back to give him more freedom to move and he rolled over on top of me.

My heart pounded madly. He kissed my mouth, then slowly started taking detours around my ears and neck. This was the part I was really bad at. Was this is? Was I supposed to sleep with him right away?

"What wrong?" he asked, pulling back.

"Milo. . . I don't know how this is supposed to work."

"How what is?"

"This. The relationship thing and when I'm supposed to do what and how to respond and. . . I'm rambling."

"There's no schedule," he told me. "There's nothing you're supposed to do. I just want whatever makes you happy."

"Really?"

He looked almost hurt. "Of course I want you to be happy."

"I'm not good at this. I haven't been in a relationship before, not any. And I've hardly been around healthy relationships in my life, so I don't know how this works."

"We'll figure it out," he promised. He pushed back my hair from my face and I leaned in to kiss him again. No expectations. Just be happy. I could actually just be with him and not worry about what happened next? This was all new and different, but exciting. Instead of thinking, I allowed my brain to stop functioning for a minute and concentrate on him. His kisses turned my mind to mush and took my breath away. His touch made every nerve ending in my body stand up.

I didn't know if this was how it was supposed to be, or how it was supposed to say, but I knew that in that moment I finally felt alive. Maybe for the first time ever.

Please, I prayed. Please just let this go on forever.