Lulu

Two weeks of working with Maxie was getting to be more than I could take. Not only was she a pain, but she was really bad at her job and made herself extra annoying to compensate for it. Despite this, I was taking all the hours I could get in the day, when I could be by Milo. Both Sonny and the assistant manager really liked me, and were happy to give me what I wanted. So I did my work, and I did it well, and when I wasn't busy, I got to look at Milo. I really couldn't complain about the job.

Things with Milo were going incredibly well. Since the night of Nikolas and Emily's wedding, he had made sure that I knew that he wasn't going to try anything and really did just want to make me happy. I had spent almost every evening with him. Nikolas and Lucky had both insisted on meeting him, but I'd been able to get him out of it every time so far. He had taken the day off to go visit his mom for her birthday, so I was stuck on my own at work. He had offered to bring me, but that just seemed like too much, too soon. And I wasn't exactly the type of girl that boys wanted to bring home to meet their mothers. Anyways, Spinelli and I had made plans to go to Kelly's after I finished, and I was looking forward to the next couple of hours being over.

"Could I get a triple non-fat cappuccino?" Kate Howard asked distractedly, scrolling through her cell phone. Michelle had insisted on me letting Maxie make the drinks today, so I stood back and watched her fumble with the machine. She put the milk on to froth, then came over and punched in into the cash register.

"Actually Maxie-" I started, but she completely ignored me.

"That'll be $3.75," she announced with her usual smug smile. She didn't like Kate, and was looking for an excuse to piss her off.

Kate looked up, surprised. "Oh, no, I know you're still new here- well, you should know this by now- but I don't pay."

"Well, Sonny's not here, now is he?"

I nudged her out of the way. "Maxie, your milk's about to overflow." She grudgingly went to finish the drink. I cleared the register. "Sorry about her, she's. . . well, there's really no excuse for her."

"I have to say, I'm surprised Sonny puts up with this kind of incompetence."

"Sonny likes to give everyone a chance." I lowered my voice. "Although she is definitely pushing those boundaries."

"Here you go," Maxie announced with a smile, putting the mug down in front of her. She took a sip and made a face.

"What is this? Whole milk? I asked for skim."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said in a mock-sincere tone. "But we do have to give priority to our paying customers."

"I'll get your drink for you in a second," I told her, taking the cup back and shooting Maxie a dirty look. I quickly steamed the milk and finished it with the fat-free-calorie-free-sugar-free chocolate powder on top that Sonny had ordered just for her drinks. I passed it to her at the cash. "Sorry about the confusion."

She rummaged through her purse and pulled a couple of bills out of her wallet. "This was hardly your fault. You're not responsible for her." She tossed the bills into the tip cup. "That's a fabulous necklace, by the way."

I waited for her to be out of earshot before I turned to Maxie. "What's your problem? If Sonny says he doesn't want us to charge someone, we don't charge them."

"Please, like she can't afford it."

"It's not about that. It's about him wanting to do something nice for his friends and for us. Have you seen the tips we get when we don't charge them?"

She rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest. "Listen, Lulu, you may have a pretty new boyfriend and a brand new house, but that doesn't make you any different that the bitch who broke up my sister and Dillon by sleeping with him. So don't you dare get high and mighty on me when you know that you're no better than me."

In an attempt to keep calm, I put the dishtowel in my hands down on the counter. "You know, Maxie, whatever you may think of me and what I've done, I'm just trying to do my work properly. I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same. Take over for me, I'm going on my fifteen."

I waited until I was in the break room before I allowed myself to get mad. She was bringing that up because I hadn't charged Kate for a drink? I had tried to move on. I wasn't proud of what I had done, and I wasn't denying that I had done it. But I was trying to change, and she kept bringing it up every time she got a chance. Unfortunately, it was getting to me.

I worked mostly in silence with Maxie the rest of the afternoon and was relieved when Alyssa came in to take over for me.

"Is she getting any better?" she whispered, pulling me aside.

"Nope."

"God, this is going to be a long evening. Is that beautiful boy-toy of yours coming to pick you up?"

"Nope, I've got other plans. I'll see you tomorrow."

I said good-bye to her, then headed outside to wait for Spinelli in the sun. Unfortunately, what Maxie said kept on bugging me. I knew it was approaching the time of year when things had happened last year, and I wanted so badly to believe that I had changed since then. I was just afraid that I hadn't changed enough, and that somehow I was going to revert back to my old ways.

Spinelli came charging out of the coffee shop, laptop in hand and his bag trailing behind him. He looked up at me, surprised that I was there.

"Blonde One," he greeted breathlessly. "What are you doing here?"

"We were meeting for dinner. Remember?"

He smiled. "Apologies."

"What's going on?"

"The Jackal may have angered the Pacino-like one a little."

I raised my eyebrows. "What did you do?"

"The Jackal doesn't want to bore the Blonde One with details. He would recommend however that The Jackal and the Blonde One leave immediately."

I stifled a laugh. Spinelli was always good for a laugh. I felt a little bad about how much Sonny scared him, but I also enjoyed watching him being kept in place. Following his request, we took off towards the park. On his way, he rummaged through his bag and pulled something out which he kept tightly held against side. Finally we reached an empty area and he sat down. With shaking fingers, he lit a cigarette and held it to his lips. I sniffed the air and hit his leg.

"Spinelli, is that pot!?" I mouthed the last word silently.

"Apologies, Blonde One. Death threats necessitate such ambrosias to aid in the calming process. The Jackal will immediately cease use of the cannabis if it makes the Blonde One uncomfortable."

"It really calms you down?"

"Mellow as Jello," he laughed. I looked down at the joint in his hand.

"Could I try it?"

He sat up straight and stared at me with wide eyes. "The Jackal would be happy to oblige, but is that what the Blonde One wants?"

"I've just got. . . a lot on my mind. I thought it might help."

Spinelli looked over his shoulder, then passed the join over to me. I looked down and felt my fingers start to shake. This wasn't something I had tried before, and I felt vaguely like it was a step in the wrong direction. But it didn't matter. I took it and held it up to my lips.

"What's wrong?" Milo asked me a couple of nights later. We were at his apartment with a movie on in the background, but we were curled up on the sofa together, kissing.

"Nothing," I told him, plastering a smile on my face.

He pulled back. "Lulu. . ."

I shook my head. "It's fine."

He pulled back enough to study me. I leaned my head against his sofa and closed my eyes. He brought his hand up to my shoulder and slowly traced his fingers across. "Everything's not fine," he whispered.

I opened my eyes, not surprised to find that tears were forming behind my eyes. "Milo, I'm not the person you think I am."

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged his hand off of me and pulled my knees into my chest. "I don't know why, but you seem to think I'm a good person."

"You are."

I shook my head. The action made the tears fall from my eyes. "No, I'm not."

"Lulu. . . what's this about?"

"Last year. . . a year ago today, actually, I had a crush on Dillon. A big one. And I thought that I was entitled to him because of that, even though he had a girlfriend who he loved a lot. So I hatched up a plan with Diego, Alcazar's son. And the result was that. . . was that I convinced Dillon that Georgie was cheating on him, and I slept with him."

He hesitated before saying anything. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"It gets worse. Remember that thing with Enduro Condoms last year when they had the bad batch?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I ended up on the losing end of that bad batch. So I got pregnant."

He nodded slowly. "What did you do?"

"I'm not proud of this," I told him softly. "But I had an abortion."

He got up and picked up a blanket from the opposite couch and draped it over my shoulders. It wasn't until he did that I realized just how cold I was. But I didn't think the gesture was so much to be nice, but to buy himself some time to think. He took a seat closer to me.

"Please say something," I whispered. Please don't hate me.

"This doesn't make you a bad person."

"I just thought you should know what you're getting yourself into."

"Can I ask you something?"

I nodded, trying not to cry anymore. "Why is it that you think I'm going to break things off with you the second things aren't perfect?"

"Because that's the only thing I've ever known."

"That's not who I am."

I smiled, despite the tears still rolling down my cheeks. "You're going to have to give me some time to get used to this," I laughed.

"I'll give you as much time as you need. Take forever if you want. I'm in this, Lulu. I'm not going anywhere."

I made it back to Wyndmere by midnight like Nikolas had asked, but found that no one was home. I still couldn't shake the memories of the same night the year before, and despite Milo's assurances, I didn't feel okay with myself. I changed into my pajamas, then sat out on the terrace that led out from my room.

The night had cooled off considerably, but the breeze was still warm. My shoulders felt tense, and I couldn't seem to stop crying. I didn't know why I was getting so emotional over the anniversary of me officially becoming the biggest bitch around, but I didn't feel it leaving anytime soon. I sighed and out of my purse pulled out the joint that I had pulled out of Spinelli's stash when he was distracted. I looked around to see if there was any sign of anyone coming, then before I could stop myself, lit it.

What felt like only minutes after I had fallen asleep, the lights in my room were turned on. I groaned and pulled my pillow over my head.

"I hate you," I grumbled to whatever doctor had decided to wake me up. They pulled the pillow off my head and I found Patrick standing over me.

"That's okay, I'm used to it. Can you sit up for me?"

I sat up and complied with his requests. "Why are you here again?" I asked.

"Last time I checked I was still a doctor at this hospital."

"I know. I just mean you're a neurologist."

"Well, I've been tracking your case since you got here and I'm still concerned about the seizures you've been having."

"Is it bad?"

"Relatively, no. You got really lucky. You could have easily fried your brain."

"I know," I said softly.

"Still having headaches?"

"Yeah. And I'm tired."

"Like you want to sleep all day?"

"Yeah."

"That's the withdrawal. It'll pass eventually."

"That's what you say about everything."

"Well it's true for everything. You did some pretty major damage to your body, Lulu. Your entire brain chemistry is off right now."

"No one ever told me it would suck this much to stop."

"I'm guessing no one ever told you it would be a good idea to start."

"Do you always something to say?"

"Pretty much. I wouldn't be wasting my breath if I didn't think you were going to listen."

"Why do you still seem to think so highly of me after what I've done."

"I see a lot of stupid people do a lot of stupid things. You get used to it after awhile. You're a smart kid who got caught up in something stupid."

"So there's some sort of redeeming me after this?"

"You've seen what Emily's managed to do with her life. I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do the same."

There was a knock at the open door, and Lainey stood waiting patiently. "Sorry to interrupt."

"Not a problem, I'm just finishing up."

"Thanks." She turned her attention to me. "Get dressed."

I groaned. "What time is it?"

"Almost 10."

"I'll see you later," Patrick said to me, then nodded at Lainey as he left. She left the room and closed the door softly behind her. I did as she asked and showered and changed, but then sat down on the bed. I couldn't do this. Finally, Lainey knocked on the door. When I didn't respond, she opened the door. Instead of telling me to get up, she silently made her way over to my bed and sat down beside me.

"I know this is hard for you," she finally said.

"Can I just say I won't go?"

"You could, but what are you going to accomplish that way?"

I closed my eyes, swallowed hard, then opened them again. "Okay. Let's do this."

Lainey reached over and squeezed my hand. "I'm proud of you, Lulu."

Minutes later, we were sitting in the room Lainey had led me to. There were five others, all probably around my age, all looking like they belonged there. I didn't. I panicked momentarily, terrified about spilling my guts to these strangers.

"Lulu," Lainey suggested gently. "Why don't you start?"

I looked at her. "I don't know how."

"Why don't you just introduce yourself and tell everyone why you're here?"

I stood up apprehensively, the eyes of the others in the room burning holes in my skin. My heart pounded. I had seen people on TV do this hundreds of times. I could just do what they did.

"I'm Lulu. I'm nineteen. And I'm. . . I'm a drug addict."