Chapter 4
After a long pep talk with myself the night before I had myself marginally calmer then I was last night when I found out that Conner was back. It still did not escape me that there was a little bit of irony involved here. The first time I come back home in who knows how long, is also the same time that Conner comes back. It was borderline cruel how the world worked.
When I went downstairs the morning of dooms day I found my sister cooking at the stove. It looked like it was suppose to be breakfast, but if I had to eat it then I wasn't going to have to be worried about facing Conner, because I was going to be trying to get over food poisoning.
"Jessica, what in gods name are you making that smells so bad," I said holding my nose together with my fingers, usually my sister made better food then this.
She looked slightly embarrassed, "The baby woke up, and I went to check on her. These are supposed to be eggs. Don't worry; I won't make you eat this batch. I wouldn't let the dog touch it," she tossed eggs down the garbage disposal.
The dog in question perked his head up to see what all the commotion was about, but didn't stay interested long and went back to napping on the floor. Our dad had found her at a shelter about a year ago and had brought her home. It was love at first site for my mother. My parents have had her ever since. Her name is Sadie, and so far from what I've seen of her she doesn't do much but lay around the house and sleep. She was really cute though. She looked like a lab/chow chow mix, but I wasn't sure.
"You're looking better today. I imagined that you would be losing you mind right about now about meeting the jackass. Then again that would be pretty hard to do since I don't think you had much of a mind in the first place, so how could you lose it?" Jess joked.
I pretended to laugh, "Does anyone find your rusty jokes funny?"
My sister glared and cracked an egg in the frying pan, "I really don't feel like smelling your next attempt at eggs," I grinned and Jess through a towel at me.
"Ha, ha, very funny," Jess said in a monotone voice.
"Seriously though Liz, are you alright?"
I grimaced, "As good as I'll ever be, I guess. It's not like I'm looking forward to telling the father of my child that I lied to him for the last five years and nine months. But I did what I thought was right, and I'm not going to apologize for something that I thought was best for everyone involved.
Even if what I did was for what I thought was best, that still didn't change that fact that it was wrong. Conner wasn't a bad guy; I just think that he was a little unstable while he was in high school. He wouldn't see this as something I did for him. He would think that I had done this to hurt him. I was getting panicky just thinking about this.
Jess gave me a comforting look, "Don't worry about this Liz. I think that it will work out for the best in the end."
I laughed with no humor, "I think you're trying to convince yourself of this as much you are me.""I am," she responded honestly.
I laughed. I knew that in the end that this would all work out because I had faith in Conner that he wouldn't do anything that would hurt his son. I couldn't say the same about me, but I had hope.
"You were so good at making me feel good before. What happened?"
"I only rehearsed so far," she joked making me choke out a laugh.
"Where are my eggs?" I demanded, and the subject was dropped for the time being.
When it was ready for me to go, I kissed my baby goodbye and wished myself luck. Jessica was still at the house and she was going to look after David while I was gone.
"Take care of my baby, Jess." I demanded right before I went out the door and to my worst fate.
The drive over to Conner's mom's house seemed to take seconds. I sat in the car for a long time just thinking about what I was going to say, and then I just gave up. It didn't matter what I had planned to say to him because I knew that the second I saw him I was going to forget about everything that I was going to say anyway. I didn't like looking at the negative of this situation but I didn't see much good coming out of this reunion either.
"I'm going to be fine," I kept repeating to myself softly.
I was so out of it that I used the key that Mrs. Sandborn had given me ages ago and walked in. I had never done it before, and I felt guilty for just walking in, but I was going to feel really stupid if I turned around and went back out the door and then I rang the doorbell. It didn't take me long to find Conner. He was in the living room. He didn't notice me right away; I was guessing he hadn't heard the door.
He didn't look much different then he had over five years ago. He still had the same brown hair and the same green eyes (well I figured with his eyes). He had filled out more than he had once been. He had more distinctive features on his face too. I couldn't help but think that he still looked pretty good. He was looking at the pictures on the wall, and I almost had a heart attack when I saw that he was about to come to a picture of David.
There was no other way that I could think have to approach Conner since I was in his house so I said the first thing that came into my head, "Hi, Conner. You look the same. Long time, no see, huh?"
I wanted to repeatedly beat my head against the wall for my stupidity.
Conner jumped, "What the hell... Liz, is that you?" he said seeming somewhat peeved.
"Yep it's me, in the flesh."
Could I sound stupider?
Conner screwed up his face, "What are you doing here? How did you get in? You scared this shit out of me Liz," he said coming walking up to me.
I felt awkward about just walking into the house. It was weird to be around Conner after all these years, with everything that had happened. I allowed myself a couple seconds to take in my surroundings and found that not much had changed in the Sandborn household. Mrs. Sandborn had redecorated right before I had left. The room still shocked me with how white it was. I noticed that the couches were now black and that there were more pictures on the wall, but still. It didn't seem like much had changed. I really should have visited more.
"I should have knocked I know. Sorry about that," I apologized.
He looked confused, "How do you even have a key?"
"You're mother and I became close after you left. She gave me a key. I wasn't thinking when I walked in and I used it."
"Oh. Well, my mother and Sandy went out for awhile, I can tell them that you stopped by," he dismissed me by turning around.
I fought back a wave of irritation at his rudeness, "Conner I came to see you. I heard you were in town."
"We haven't talked in over six years," he pointed out.
Oh, how wise of him to point that out, I thought sarcastically.
"Conner I came by to talk to you. We have some unfinished business that I really wanted to get cleared up,"
"Liz, I hate to tell you, but I can't see what we could have left unsaid after our last parting," he pointed out.
He had every right to be getting frustrated. I wasn't explaining myself here. I wanted to kick something.
"Um, Conner listen do you remember the last time we slept together?" I said looking anywhere but at him.
He raised an eyebrow, "Why are you bringing that up? It was a really long time ago," he pointed out.
"I didn't try hard enough, but you didn't want to listen to what I had to say. It hurt, and I realized some things and I thought it was better if I kept something from you. It's really important Conner and you have to listen to me."
He looked at me suspiciously, "You're making no sense to me. What did you keep from me, Liz?"
I looked to the floor and took a deep breath, "Your son," I whispered.
There was no sound through the whole house. When I looked at Conner he looked shocked and speechless. He also looked betrayed and hurt, and it caused me pain to know that I had made him feel that way. But ask me if I would have done it again if I could go back in time and I would waste no time saying that I would.
"I have a son and you didn't think it was important to tell me," he said, his voice cold.
I took a breath and I stood what I believed, "You weren't ready to be a father, Conner. Nothing you can say can change that," I stated calmly.
"Thank you for informing me of something like that. It's not like I would know if I was ready for fatherhood. I should have at least known that I was going to be a father Liz!" he shouted.
I came up and poked him in the chest, "Conner McDermott your still the ass you were over five years ago. You want to believe things the way you saw them. Screw the truth right?!"
"You never tried to tell me that I was fathering a child. Its six years later and I still didn't know until five minutes ago! The truth sort of speaks for itself now doesn't it," he pointed out.
It was the truth even though I didn't want to admit it, "Conner, listen I'm not going to lie to you. I don't think I would have told you about this for a long time had I the choice in the matter-"
"That's such a comfort," he remarked cutting me off.
I ignored him and went on, "but you came home. I couldn't hide anymore because I'm here and you would have heard it from someone else. I didn't want that. I didn't want to tell you know partly because I still don't think you're ready and partly because of my own selfish reasons. The important thing now is that I told you and you know. I'm not looking for a friendship here."
"How can you make any assumptions about what kind of person I am, is beyond me" he pointed out looking livid.
"How can you think for one minute that you've changed at all? You still only think of yourself."
"You were the one thinking of only yourself when you didn't tell me that you were pregnant."
"I am not going to point out that you were the one that left this place, and didn't want to hear from anyone who lived here. I called you once, in a moment of weakness. You couldn't wait to get off the phone with me. You made it perfectly clear that you didn't want your past to interfere with your future, and I let you have your wish."
"I would have hoped that you would have let me decide-"
I cut him off with a hand, "Stop repeating yourself."
"I'll do whatever the hell I want."
"Grow up."
Conner looking border line panicked, "What am I going to do?"
I went rigid, "You can do whatever you want with this information."
"You can't change the past you know. I don't regret what I did and I never will. I still think it was the right thing to do. If I had the choice I think that I still wouldn't have told you now."
"Elizabeth, I realize that you love insulting me. I know that you can't change the past, but you might have just changed my engagement with this lovely information."