Hey you guys, it's me Lena. Um, I appreciate the feedback I've gotten on this story, but some more reviews would be really, really awesome so if you've got something to say, please say it! )
Chapter Three-
"You're My Best Friend" - Queen
"Lily's coming back home with me for Christmas." James said, sitting down at the table in the morning, still grinning slightly from the knowledge I was sure he gained last night. "Do you guys mind?" He asked, and suddenly his mood changed drastically. Sirius looked like he was about to make a snide comment- Sirius was always so jealous of Lily, especially around the holidays- but I interfered.
"Prongs, that's perfectly fine. I was going to stay at the Leaky Cauldron anyways since my mother and father are out of town. I'll still be coming over Christmas morning for my presents." I smirked at James, thinking about the presents he was sure to get from Lily over the holidays. Sirius furrowed his brow, no doubt in deep thought. He sighed.
"I was kind of looking forward to getting out of my lonely apartment, but I'll be okay there. And I'm also coming over for Christmas…and maybe a few days in between. But I'll leave the nights to you two." Sirius said, gesturing at Lily who had just walked into the hall and made herself comfortable between James and Peter. She smiled smally at him and Sirius did something that surprised me to the core. He reached across the table for her hand to shake. "Welcome, Miss Evans, to my family."
Family. That's what we were until the day we die. And with Death Eaters around you'll never know how soon that could be.
"Thank you, Sirius. Pass the bacon?" And he did, and we continued on eating as if we were used to a female presence, and she continued on as if she sat there her whole life.
"Padfoot-" James addressed him, with a dawning look across his face "-why don't you get a room at the Leaky along with Moony? You'll get out of the house and you guys can come over during the day." I hesitated. A hotel room with Sirius? Not even two separate ones? That would imply major things, and that would be hard to show our true intentions, that we were just friends. But for some reason hearing someone suggest that made my body tingle like a little girl thinking over the prospect of candy canes.
"I don't want to bother Moony." I couldn't let him say that, though I still had worries, letting think he was intruding was something I couldn't allow.
"Padfoot, you're not intruding, you're invited." I said simply, biting into a chocolate éclair that I had been nibbling on since the start. He looked up at me, his eyes grateful and then shrugged to play it off coolly- but I had already glimpsed how much it meant to him.
"As long as you don't mind, then it's settled. After all, we're family, you've got to love me." Sirius answered smiling.
"Uh-oh. I hope that rule doesn't apply to me." Lily jokingly quipped. Sirius raised his glass to her, to symbolize the fact that he got him good.
Family. Brothers. Brothers on a hotel bed.
I stormed away, so frustrated at her antics and ended up in the luggage compartment of the train. The door slammed shut after I stepped in.
"Explain." His voice is dead calm. Dead calm is a sign for dead anger. I know right away that he is not a happy camper. I just can't see why he's so frustrated and angry.
"What's there to tell?" I ask back, staring into his grey eyes. They're unreadable. He seems to be pushing me away from him instead of taking me in. With each word I uttered, his eyes become darker and his mouth and fist tighten.
"I saw her kiss you, Remus. Don't play me as a fool." He quipped. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with him. Like she was something I wanted at all. She was bloody nothing. "You let my cousin kiss you." He answered, shaking his head in astonishment. "Is that the only reason we became friends?" He yelled, angrily. Now he was barely making sense.
"Sirius-" I cut him off furiously, never feeling so incensed. "My god; if you saw it then you know what happened. She came up to me, SHE shoved her tongue down my throat, and I pushed her back." He came over to me and wrapped his arms around the collar of my robe and he shoved me back against the luggage shelf with a fraction of the force he held inside of him. I gulped.
"Stay away from my family, Remus." He barked. I grasped his wrists and unfairly pushed him back against the other side, with an amount of strength I didn't remember that I had. In surprise, Sirius let out a little gasp.
"Family?" I asked, rhetorically. "You can't pick and choose when to call them family, Sirius! I wouldn't touch anyone with the name Black for any sum of money or power in the world." I released my hold on him, trembling. "They're not your family, Sirius. We are. She's nothing but a no good bitch who wants to cause trouble." I stepped away from him, as far back as I could and I let him stand there against the ledge, looking lost. He moved forward, away from the trunks, and without a word, he reached for the pack of cigarettes in his robe pocket. He lit up, blew out the beginning smoke, and I stepped closer to him and broke his cancer stick, cracked the foundation of his addiction in half. "Coward." I called him, walking out.
I burst into the compartment with James and Peter sitting there, staring at us in complete wonder. They had heard every word, apparently, considering the fact that they were seated right by the back. I sat down beside James in a complete slump and he stared at me as if I was something shocking. He opened his mouth to speak, but then Sirius stormed in after.
"Don't you dare, Moony." He addressed me, snarling. "Don't you dare call me a coward and then walk out like a bloody pussy. You start a battle, finish it." He said, stepping straight in front of me. I rose up.
"You want me to finish something your way, Padfoot? Do you want me to tell you to go to the Whomping Willow tomorrow night in human form so I can rip you to shreds? If that's your way of dealing with things, I'm through with you! NOW GET OUT MY FACE!" If looks could kill, I'd be dead. Really. He was so bloody angry- but Padfoot hid his pain in anger. And I hid my fear in anger. I was so scared, scared of why he was in so much pain. Did he really believe I'd betray him like that? For the second time this day, Sirius did something cowardly. He murmured 'fine' and slammed the compartment door shut, turning down the hallway. I pulled my legs close to my face and rested my head against them. Peter scooted out as well, leaving James and I alone. He sat stunned.
"Care to share what brought this on?" He asked, in a slightly squeaking voice.
"Narcissa Black."
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She tasted sweet, like strawberries and rather seductive, but I was repulsed. Beautiful though she may be, two slight problems stood in the way of me enjoying this moment we were sharing together. Her personality and my sexuality. I pushed her back, absolutely shocked and muttered incoherent swear words. She pressed closer against me and reached around to lock the door.
"My cousin doesn't have to know, Remus. We can kill two birds with one stone. We end that shameless discussion of your sexual orientation and I can piss off my family in one foul swoop. And don't act like I'm such a bad choice, darling." She nibbled on my lip and I only leaned back as far as I could.
"I'm not acting, Narcissa. I'm afraid we're sharing something that isn't all too shared. I'll ask you nicely- back off." Being sexually harassed sure did suck. And being the man I should have the power to push her away. I'm bloody puzzled; Narcissa kissing me obviously told me something was up on her side (the dark side) of life. Something was about to happen. That scared me more then her supposed sexual attraction to me.
"Remus, I'm giving you a last chance." She answered, pouting.
"I'm refusing." With that, she stormed out the door and I soon followed suit, hoping to get away from the world for a while and dream about my vacation time with Sirius. I thought life couldn't get better then what was about to come. Turns out, it only got so much worse.
After I recapped this all to James, he sat there only silently. I omitted certain parts- like the fact that I was much too consumed with Sirius Black himself to even think about getting in with his family- but he didn't question. It was almost as if he knew. But he couldn't know- wouldn't ever know, I vowed- this was my secret to keep, unlike being a lycanthropist, this secret of mine could be deadly to them. Not just myself. By the time the train pulled into the station, I hadn't seen Sirius or spoken to him again. I looked at James and he only shrugged.
"If I see him, Remus, I'll send him over. You know my house is the place he's most likely to show up at first." I nodded and James pulled me close to him in a 'manly' hug, something I was quite used to giving him. With Sirius our hugs were so much different and sometimes it felt nice to be hugged like a man, not always like something gentle or breakable. James let go and I gave Peter an awkward pat on the back, not saying it but I truly felt like the man in this situation. They bid goodbye and I'm free to wander to the Leaky Cauldron, wrapped in a ratty, no good cloak in a thin layer of ice and snow.
He always looked so at peace in winter. Winter had a hold on him the same way it had a hold on the trees, snow and frost still clinging like little children to the frozen branches. The same way I desperately clung to him for the companionship I often needed but could never have provided to me. How could I ever expect him to offer to me what would be so horribly judged? I didn't want to put him through that, so I never allowed him to know the truth; that it was all I really wanted. All I really wanted was the ability to hold him, to kiss him and tell him that he was loved, and that he didn't have to feel alone any longer because I could offer him something we both knew of but neither had. But that would cause him pain and suffering which I could never bear. Oh if anyone but me saw the way that boy smiled, the snow falling would have melted from the cold sidewalk, but no one did so I paced myself for a slow trudge to the inn and wondered if I could ever make him that happy again and he would smile like that just for me to own. I knew the answer was no.
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Finally, after five hours of waiting around for James, I couldn't take it. I had to leave the room and wander through London, even if it took me days to find him I had to. The thought that I had no idea were he was and what he was doing scared me. I liked to know, knowledge was a key thing in my life and not only that but, fuck, I usually always knew and just this one time was killing me. I bundled up much better then I usually did. Scarf, gloves, a dorky plaid hat with a broken fluff ball on the top but damn, at least it was warm. I pulled my cloak as tight as I could and flew down the stairs. I was stopped at the bar, finding it quite hard to push my way through. It turns out I didn't have to wander to far to find the bloody boy. He was downing a last shot of firewhiskey and I caught sight of him just in time to see him order another one, then promptly pass out in his chair, collapsing to the ground. Anxious, annoyed, frightened, and hurt I made an 'EEK!' noise and walked over to him and tucked half of his body under my arms.
"Thanks fur movin 'im, sonny, I didn't wanna 'ave ta leave 'im in the street." Disgusted, I worked alone for almost 10 minutes getting Sirius' body up the stairs. I unlocked the door and placed him on the bed I decided that was to be his and shuffled through my bag to find something I learned the hard way to always have when you're around Sirius Black. A Pepper Me Up potion. I forced some down his throat and suddenly his eyes sprang open and he took in the room around him, still obviously drunk but at least the little asshole was awake.
"Remus! I hopes I didn't keeps you too long." He made to stand up and leave but he couldn't even sit straight. "I'm tireded, Moony, and I don't want to fight anymore. Padfoot just wants to sleep." I nodded at his rambling and proceeded to untie his shoes. He giggled. "You're like a mother, Remmy! Can you tuck me in to?" He asked, like a little girl. I figured he never had a real mother growing up and pitied him. That was my reasoning as to why I tucked him in and not because of the fact that he was just so damn cute. I turned out the light and locked the door before taking off all my outer wear and climbing into my own, separate bed, wishing I had some alcohol to numb the pain.
A whimper from a bed, a shuffle of large, manly feet, and cold breeze that hits you when someone lifts the covers from your warm body jerked me back to reality from my tired state.
"What the hell are you doing, Padfoot?" I asked, dreary. I made to move him but he was fighting me and wouldn't budge. He got his way and laid down beside me.
"Don't leave me alone in the dark!" He whispered, before snuggling into my arm. "If you love someone, you don't leave them alone." The wise words of a drunken, five year old Sirius Black. But it seemed like the truest words he had ever said to me. Needless to say, I fell asleep, knowing there'd be hell to pay in the morning, but there was always hell to pay, apologies to be said, but I Remus Lupin, felt like living in the moment, so I let him sleep with me and decided tomorrow I could blame it on the only way he would shut up. It felt good, though wrong, to have a scapegoat. But the scapegoat was going to cost me.
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"Sirius, NO!" I called back. "It's not worth it, Sirius! What they're talking about is impossible, it can't be done. DON'T believe them, don't make the GOD DAMN DEAL!" I shouted, jinxing a particularly scary looking Death Eater in the face, causing him to fall. "Sirius, it's not worth it- don't give up something like that for me, I'm not worth that mu-"
"Remus, shut up!" He roared. He held his hand out to the bitch. How I fucking hated her right now. "Remus, I need you to witness. Just pay attention while you're fighting." Knowing I couldn't stop it in anyway while defending myself I screamed and continued with the battle, trying to focus on him, hoping he'd change his mind though I knew he never would.
"I, Sirius Black, make this unbreakable vow."
That's when the curse hit me. I groaned and collapsed to the ground, in so much pain that all I remember doing was pass out.