Chapter Five-

"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley

I was five when I first died. The first time Death had brushed up against me, it was in the form of a ferocious wolf, so lucid and overtaken by passion I knew that he was Death. He kissed me with his fangs and then I to, died, and was banished to the life I live now. Twelve years have passed since that day. The day of my death was also a day of a sort of 'birth'; I became lycan.

It was hard to pull myself out of bed the next morning. I was weak and now even weaker from an abysmal amount of sleep and a sore body, thick with guilt and rejection. I was beyond hurt when I dragged myself to the loo to wash up. I had hardly noticed today's date.

December 25th. Happy birthday, Jesus Christ. Why am I celebrating you when you've abandoned me? I dressed as easily as I could and on my way out I grabbed four packages; James, Peter, Lily, and against my better judgment I grabbed Sirius' present. I glanced on my way out the door- he was long gone, by the looks of it. Gathering my pride, my presents, and my posture, I booked out of the hotel room and took advantage of something I rarely used- my ability to apparate. I preferred walking, really. All the time. And I am the only person in our group who actually bothered to take the test. But I was so tired from my exertions that I had no energy left to drag myself two miles. Since the Potter's had charms surrounding their land, I arrived in front of their house at the driveway and walked on their perfectly clear walk. I banged ceremoniously on the door and waited for an answer. James ripped open the door, looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Happy Christmas, Remus." He said, glancing at his feet. I nodded and returned the greeting. "Um...well, I don't know how to tell you this but Sirius is going to throw a hissy fit once I tell him you're here. Not that I care much about Sirius' opinion on things lately, seeing as he's been such an arse. I just wanted to give you fair warning that this is going to be a cold Christmas morning and not at all the warming season."

"It's always a cold morning. Christmas day is never warming until the eggnog gets brought out." On this thought, James grins now and invites me into his home and even takes the two top packages from me. I follow him silently and step into the family room where Mr. and Mrs. Potter are sitting together on the loveseat and Sirius and Lily are on the ground surrounded by wrapping paper and various presents. Lily jumps up from her conversation with Sirius and knocks a lovely kiss onto my cheek.

"Merry Christmas, Remy." I smiled back at her and wish her a pleasant day as well. I walk over to the elder Potter's and shake Arnold's hand and wrap Minnie in a large hug. I glance at Sirius and he inclines his head, mostly for the benefit of Minnie and Arnold. I nod back and then settle beside Lily, while James sits behind her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

"We've been waiting to exchange gifts with each other until Peter gets here, but it seems scrupulous now. So here." He passed me three packages, one from him, one from Lily, and one from the Mr. and Mrs.. Sirius surprisingly passed me a package too. I passed out the gifts I had brought with me, feeling stupid for not getting Mr. and Mrs. Potter something too, but they seemed to understand that it was a miracle I had managed to buy what I did.

What I gave to everyone: James received a set of heavy silver pens I had found at a muggle thrift shop that wrote in the exact green of Lily's eyes and an old fashioned leather journal, since I had always joked with James whenever he talked to me that I was not his journal and did not care to here all the sordid details- just the basic facts were enough for me to offer advice. He grinned at me and clapped me generously on the back. For Lily, I wanted to keep it rather simple, not something that might've outshone whatever James got her, so I purchased her a really beautiful scarf, with hues of maroon and brown and green, three colors that blended simply well with each other. She gasped in delight then wrapped it around her pale neck, grinning. Sirius was the most difficult to shop for; I was the least proud of his present then all the others. I bought him a muggle lighter- a Zippo- that had the image of a black dog resting in the snow on the casing. He stared at it, puzzled for a few seconds but then seemed to understand how it worked. He spun the wheel and it sparked and conjured a flame. He murmured thanks at me; I swallowed hard, hoping he did like it.

What I Got Back: James had bought me an elegant trench coat, dark grey and tinted black in the sleeves; long, flowing, and though my description may make it seem otherwise- it was eloquently manly, giving off the very mantra I considered James to have. It seemed hilarious that I had given Lily a scarf and she now provided me with black leather gloves, and when I held them to my nose they still held that scent of something that was ultimately 'mugglemade'. When I reached Sirius' package, I realized he was the only person who seemed to bother with cards. I opened the envelope in that precise way expected from me- controlled, structured, straight- and thought, "how fucking ironic"- and read Sirius messy scrawl and envisioned his voice reading it. "Sorry Moony. It isn't much. Not nearly what you deserve from me, but I saw these and just somehow knew that I had to get it for you." I slit the wrapping paper open and peeled it off like the wrapping on a chocolate kiss (chocolate, ye gods, I forgot Christmas means homemade fudge). Inside the little trinket box was a charm and two blank chains. I picked up the charm to examine it better and found that it would break in the center, like one of those girly best friend necklaces girls pulled apart together and then kept as a promise. The charm was two wolves, curled up together under the pine trees. When you broke it they were separate. I flipped it over to read the back, feeling an engraving under my fingers. It read, 'Brothers.' I glanced up at Sirius and he sheepishly avoided my eyes. I couldn't tell if I was because I had so much gratitude or the fact that last night still brought shame to him, but I accepted it either way.

"Romulus and Remus." He said, carefully. I nodded and tucked the box in the pocket of my new coat, along with my gloves.

"Thank you, Lily. James." They nodded, grinning, but a slightly awkward silence started to fill the air. Minnie notices it, and then gazes around.

"Eggnog, anyone?" It is only 1100Am, but we all jump at once, knowing alcohol may be the only way we push ourselves through the day.

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I walked into the kitchen, about two thirty now, laughing heartily from a joke that Arnold just told and saw Sirius sitting at the table while Minnie took out things from the pantry and from the fridge to cook. I removed all materials and ingredients from her hands.

"Go out there, and enjoy the fact that your son has finally brought home the girl of his dreams. Let me cook. It'll be my present to you." She looked hesitant, grateful, but hesitant. "I can assure you, Minnie, I can cook, very well. It seems to me you were planning on making French onion soup. I can handle that very easily."

"I'm not worried about your cooking abilities, Remus, but you look ready to fall over any minute." I didn't feel that way. In fact, I felt bloody fine. In between four glasses of eggnog and a pound of fudge all by myself, I was in good spirits. "And not to mention that I don't trust you in this kitchen with all the fudge."

"Alas, my hidden motives are exposed." She pulled me into a close hug and I, surprised, wrapped my arms around her too, suddenly missing my own parents.

"You're a good man, Remus Lupin. Young, stubborn, intelligent, but you're still good. Don't kill yourself cooking. And seriously deary, you're looking rather peaky. If you start feeling weird sit yourself down, okay?" I nodded and she grasped her own cup of eggnog and strode out of the kitchen to join her husband. Being of age meant that I no longer had to slave away at slicing onions with a knife and crying my eyes out. Over the sink, I set the onions chopping and began working on a broth. I glanced behind me a few times and saw Sirius still sitting there, unresponsively. It was useless to ignore him, and this, and since I couldn't feel, I could barely stop myself. I regarded him vaguely as I stirred my concoction.

"Sleep well? You look dead." He glanced up and then back down, with no dirty glare or tears in his eyes. He did seem dead, very dead and so far away.

"I hate it when you're drunk Moony. It makes you think you have a pair of balls." He answered. Somewhere deep in my mind, I knew what he meant. I didn't care what I said to anyone when I was like this; I wasn't afraid of hurting someone else. But still, all reason was pretty much gone from me.

"I have balls, Padfoot, as you saw last night." I said. He slammed his fist on the table from his hair- the first reaction I had gotten out of him all morning.

"Can we not talk about that ri-" but I cut him off.

"If that's what you want, love, then fine. But we'll never talk about it. I know you too well, Sirius. If you want to ignore me for the rest of forever and throw whatever friendship we have away because of a mistake then I think you're the one who needs to grow a pair of balls."

"Mistake?" He questioned quietly. I looked at him for a long second before beginning to sauté the onions.

"Well, I'm sure you'll hardly call it a miracle." I heard him stand up from his chair and move towards the kitchen.

"If you want to talk about last night, I mean really talk, have the decency to come to me somewhere where we can be alone-not at James' house-and also try not to be intoxicated at the time. I'm not going to discuss anything with you unless you'll be just yourself with me. You think alcohol relaxes you? It just makes you think you're being you, but you're still hiding behind a mask." He shrugged his shoulders at no one and vacated the room. I cooked.

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"Remus that was the best bloody soup I've ever tasted. Where did you learn to cook so well?" Lily questioned, as she patted her small but full stomach. I grinned at her, finally finishing the last spoonful of mine.

"I share a passion for reading and a passion for cooking, a dangerous two to put together. You should see what I can do with chocolate. Thousands of recipes, one by one." I counted on my hands.

"You think since I'm so good at potions I should be able to cook but it's quite the opposite." I laughed heartily, pouring myself another glass of eggnog as James looked absolutely affronted.

"But- but Lily! When we get married, who will cook me breakfast in bed?"

"Ask Remus to live with us. You know Sirius and he would never leave us alone anyways. Dear Remus, can you cook pork and venison sausage?" She asked, as if I was being interviewed. I scrunched up my nose in disgust.

"I can only handle one kind of sausage in the morning." After saying it, there were mixed reactions. James looked bedazzled that I'd say something like this, but at the same time he burst out in astonished laughter. Lily covered her mouth after tons of girlish giggles; Minnie spit out her coffee, stunned. Arnold just laughed- so hard he started to cough in between and now sounded like a wheezing house elf. Sirius glared, searing and hotter then the fireplace we were gathered around.

"Remus, ole lad, that was the crudest joke ever said on this here Christmas day and for that I must thank you." I nodded my head as Arnold wrapped a large, threatening but at the same time accepting, arm around my shoulder. "Now tell me, when was it that you first came out of the closet to this group?" I think my face registered the surprise mingled with fear that I felt.

"Dad-" James shouted warningly to interrupt, but Arnold silenced him with a wave, thinking he was just extending an already open invitation when in fact he was handing me one right now.

"Be quiet, Jimmy, I want him to know he's always welcome here no matter what-"

"He already knows this, Arnie." Minnie injected as well, but he continued.

"So, when was it you first told my son? I mean, how long have you known? Then you obviously know about Sirius as well. Sirius has known he was bisexual- since what, 5th year, perhaps? Did it take you that long as well?"

"Dad!" James busted out. I was bewildered as I saw Sirius immediately get up and leave the room. Lily and I glanced at each other, completely clueless and she mouthed the words that I was thinking across to me. 'What the FUCK?' "Dad, Remus isn't gay. What in God's name would make you think this?"

"James, it's okay. Sirius came to me earlier this morning and told me what happened last night. He was a mess; he needed a father figure and I told him what to think."

"ARNOLD POTTER! HE NEEDED A FATHER FIGURE AND YOU KNOW WELL ENOUGH THAT JOB MEANS KEEPING ALL CONVERSATIONS TO YOURSELF!" Minnie shreiked. "HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF PRIVACY?"

"…or any alcohol tolerance." Lily whispered.

While the following two comments were being made James stepped in front of me. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing!" I lied again. He chased me with his eyes as I gazed were Sirius had ran to.

"Tell me or I'll ask him."

"Then ask him!" I said throwing my hands in the air. Sirius was bi. Sirius was BI. My Sirius, who I've been longing for since 3rd year, was half a pouf- half of me. James sighed frustrated and then booked up the stairs after him. Lily glanced at me. Minnie approached me, her face bright red.

"Remus dear, my lord, I'm so sorry! I-I…" I could only nod at her. Lily stood now, grasped my hand, and led me downstairs to the room where she was staying. I went to talk but she silenced me with a potion.

"I'm not talking to you about this until you're sober. Trust me. It's barely hit you yet. Drink." I listened to her. A few seconds later I let out a despaired moan and buried my face in my hands, feeling the tears roll down my face. "Remus, hey Remus, talk to me! What was that whole bloody display out there?" I shook my head and she pulled me into a hug.

I was dying again, right now, inside and out stinging with the pain of truth and deception. Sirius had told Arnold about last night's…sex romp. I could only shake my head. I had no one to turn to other then Sirius about that, but he ran straight to his father-like figure. And James…James knew Sirius was bi, but he accepted him. Arnie had suspected my homosexuality, or James and Sirius told him I was, thinking he'd never repeat it. So, for how long, exactly, had James and Sirius known about me? I crossed my arms, holding Lily tightly and could feel myself starting to rack with sobs. I cleared my throat and tried to pull myself together.

"I'm gay. As gay as a unicorn, Lily." I said to her. She nodded and seemed to grin.

"I always thought so, Remus. It's just good for me to hear it."

"Good for you to hear it?" I shot back, angrily. "How can you say that, anyways? So you all just assumed it about me, didn't you? You have no idea what it's like! It's bad enough half the school will kill me if they hear I'm a fucking werewolf, but now they'll find out I'm a fag too, and the penalties for that will probably be steeper. Everyone in our bloody school thinks the witch burnings in Salem or France were bad, well what they don't tell you is about that 17 year old in America who was tied to the back of a car and dragged down a rode until he was decapitated for being gay!"

"Remus, stop, please! It's not that bad-"

"The thing is Lily, it IS that bad! Hitler had 2 million homosexuals murdered in Germany- there's so much hate in the world! How could I ever tell you guys and risk my life, and yours! Alliances with people like me are just as bad as being one." It was silent as I buried my nose, dripping wet with tears, into her long red hair. It tickled, but at the same time I felt comforted down to my bones.

"There are so many wars these days. The thing is, very few people can pick and choose their battle. I choose this one. I'd rather die being your friend then run away because there are difficulties on the road ahead." The voice saying these words were not Lily's. I glanced up and James was standing above us, his hand on my shoulder. I stood up and threw my arms around him too, in the most unmanly hug I could muster.

The surprising thing was he hugged me back as girly as I clung to him.

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I opened my eyes to glance at the clock on the sideboard and glimpsed Sirius staring across at me, a few tears falling from his eyes. I took a deep inhale, and then closed my eyes. I passed out.

The next thing I remembered when I opened my eyes was that my fur smelt like cinnamon, and that I couldn't get it out of myself, so instead I scratched furiously. A horn jabbed me in the side and I caught the soft, doelike eyes of Prongs and I immediately retracted back from gorging my skin off and instead curled into a little ball in the corner, whining softly. Softer footsteps, like a rabbit crossing the forest ground, caught my attention and I growled at first, but Padfoot hadn't stop approaching me, despite my warning sound. Instead he laid into my stomach in a very catlike way and rested his head on my paws. He let out a soft whine too and for the first time in a long time, I felt human. He licked the underside of my jawbone, and I processed his communication.

"You're not a monster." And so I agreed, for once, in more then one way. I was a werewolf; I was gay. And yet, I'm still as human as ever.

AN- Okay, so I apparently don't believe in being on time with an update. I know how frustrating that can be. Trust me, as a reader AND a writer, sometimes I want to shoot an author, but what would be the point in that? Right? Right…err…ducks from bows and arrows

Okay, so there's no way for me to make up for being two weeks late with an update except to promise to be on time with the next one )

Thank you to every reviewer and ever reader!

Lena