Chapter Seven -
"Bittersweet Symphony" - The Verve
(Time reference- The italic section is a flashback to right after chapter 6. The bold italic is a flash ahead to the next chapter.)
In the early spring breeze the blades of grass, the water on the lake, and the branches of my favorite reading tree, the Marauder weeping willow rippled- and the pages of my book turned furiously, trying to escape my mad eyes. Reading was my only paradise lately- everything else came crashing down on me. As I hunted my chapter I looked up at a figure walking into the sunlight and approaching me under my semi-shade, the perfect lighting to interpret ideas within my novels, and felt the air around me tighten.
My own little ball of sunshine. Joy. Note the sarcasm.
"Remus." She sat down, leaned across my lap and gave me a soft, fleeting, but demanding kiss. I furrowed my brow seconds before our lips met, but hid it before Cassandra saw. I coughed to hide my dissatisfaction in her finding me.
"Who told you where I was?" I felt compromised even before I heard her answer.
"Sirius." Of course; sometimes I thought he should've been a seeker instead of a beater since he likes the snitch so much. I swallowed my bitterness at Sirius though, for my sake and partially Cassandra's. She took my hand and all possibility of finishing 'The Man in the Iron Mask' vanished like my sunshine.
I loved the day, I really did; but with her around it was always sunny and bright-
I began to miss my little rain cloud. Don't worry about him, he's getting along fine. It's Sirius, and he can get through everything. And he will simply live forever. I find telling myself this makes me feel better but James, Lily, Peter, even Cassandra, and I can't ignore the face he makes when he thinks we're absorbed in our own worlds.
Let's just say it's as solid and cold and unfeeling as an iron mask.
"Why are you hiding all the way out here, anyway Remy?" Remy. So bubbly, precious sounding. I get nauseas every time she begins to utter the nickname- in a sense I'm glad she doesn't call me Remus because it's too intimate for her to understand, but at the same time, Remy makes me remember our situation, which is no picnic either, I can assure you. Cassandra Potter is no picnic.
I keep telling myself, do it for Dumbledore, for Dumbledore, but after a few seconds with her, you know there's nothing for me to do. She's as predictable as bazooka gum, which she's always chewing, and she's a dumb as Peter intoxicated, which is terrible. So either Dumbledore's lost his marbles like everyone accuses him of doing, or I'm missing a huge, huge piece of information. And since I'm not about to admit Dumbledore's insanity, I guess I'm missing something. I'll find it some day, when my lips don't taste like recycled bubblegum.
The Order sure did mean sacrificing. But I hardly knew the meaning yet.
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I lied in the hospital wing, feeling rather sickened at myself for doing what I had did, denying myself more then denying Sirius. And the potion Mademoiselle Pompoms gave me didn't help the feeling go away either. I felt like dying and I very nearly prayed I did. I tried to roll onto my back, but my side roared instantly and I gasped. The nurse walked to my bedside again as I realized I was coughing up blood- I could feel the warmth rising through my throat and out my mouth she 'tsked' as if this was a usual occurrence.
"Internal bleeding. You'll have to drink a blood potion every hour until it heals itself." She poured me a flask that gurgled like a dead baby in a-that was unpleasant enough, thank you. I drank it down rapidly to avoid the putrid taste and I heard her round on Sirius next.
"Broken ribs, broken tibia, broken heart, nearly collapsed windpipe-"
"Miss Pompoms, how could you even accuse me of a broken heart when you're around to pick up my pieces?" I swear I saw the young nurse blush through the white curtains.
I upchucked the blood potion. Strolling over to clean up after my disgusting display, I heard her murmur an accurate description.
"It's gurgling like a dead baby in a casserole." I couldn't hold back a weak chuckle. She glared at me and handed me another blood potion.
I took it, hoping it was poison. But Remus Lupin's wishes never came true- they're his irrational side, so he never expected them too. I heard a groan from James' bed, which sounded like he made the mistake of laughing. Mademoiselle Pompoms said the cures she had to apply to him made the spell I used cancel out, but personally I thought she just enjoyed torturing poor Prongs, especially after the last full moon where she had to waste a wankload of potions on him.
"What's 18 inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night?" I braced myself for the conclusion.
"I believe the punch line of the joke, Mr. Potter, is 'cradle death'." Professor Dumbledore answered as he strolled into the infirmary. I let a painful gusto of laughter out strangely, and so did Sirius. "Thank you, Winnie, for your diligent care of these fine young men, but I request a private audience with them, if you don't mind."
"Not at all, sir." She answered, shaking her head timidly. "As long as it's not longer then an hour, because Mr. Lupin has to take another blood potion then." I shuttered, but Dumbledore assured her it would take half that time. She left the room and for good measure, Dumbledore cast a silencing charm around us. He curved his upper body in a bow at us and I immediately felt flush with pride and embarrassment- for getting us all into that situation in the first place but kicking the shit out of some Death Eaters in the return.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Black-" he took a deep breath and with his regular bright eyes began a grave discussion "I commend you on your skills during the crisis beforehand, but I must express my despair on the attack that had fallen on you." He sat down on the edge of Sirius' bed, which was in the middle of James and I-the curtains blew back so we could all see each other again. "I know you do not necessarily need my protection, and though it would be a lie to say by offering you this that is not what I'm trying to do- but there is more to the Order of the Phoenix then that. In fact, you may be in more danger then you are in now."
"The Order, sir?" I questioned smally. He beamed.
"Well…not that I fancy myself to be Voldemort, but it's like his Death Eaters- a group of people united in bringing down the Death Eaters. A counter-terrorist organization, if you please." The Three Musketeers (of the Marauders) nodded. "Of course, it requires missions as well, but I believe it is for the greater good of wizards-"
"The greater good of man!" James interrupted. Dumbledore silently agreed.
"Everyone, yes." He paused again. I feared he was regretting his decision but when he looked up I felt he couldn't possibly be regretting- only searching for words. "I want you three- and Mr. Pettigrew, of course and Miss Evans too, as she possesses the same admirable qualities as you all-"
"Hear, here!" James echoed.
"Port-PRONGS!" Sirius and I both returned fire, nearly calling him something different then James or Prongs. I didn't miss the glance we shot each other, and neither did Albus. He seemed to be hiding something back- a smile or a frown, I'm not sure.
"As I was saying…I would be honored if you all would fight beside me against Tom Riddle, as colleagues and friends." Even Sirius with a bruised windpipe was loud and assertive in his declaration of immediate loyalty to Dumbledore and the Order.
Do it for Dumbledore. Do it for Sirius. Fuck, I may even do it for me.
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"Traitor." I hissed, sinking my teeth into the sweet flesh of the apple he tossed at me from a few meters away. If I was facing the blinding sun I would have been killed. He looked pleased at my dissatisfaction with Cassandra ruining my afternoon, but shamefully dissatisfied at himself.
"Coward." He called me. I groaned.
"Not this redundant conversation again, Sirius, I beg of you. Have you no pity for this situation?"
"The pity lies with me, my brother." He bit into his granny smith, too. I stole his sour, bitter one from his hands to take a bite of something as tart as his words. There were two unmistakenable canine marks in his food's green skin.
"As you wish." I volleyed back. (AN: anyone ever watch 'The Princess Bride'?)
"No, Remus- it's as you wished." He takes a bite from my apple and I can smell the sugary juice on his lips. He leans beside me to whisper in my ear. "It tastes like the sweetest sin, my friend. 'Sin!' says you, Aramis. But 'fate' says I." He pushed himself away from me to continue our afternoon "picnic", where we pick each others words apart and nick each other with twisting our words around. "So, how is the youngest Potter, anyhow?"
"Young." I answered, honestly. "Seriously, Padfoot. I don't even think she's had 'the talk' yet." He snorted at that one. I even cracked a small smile at myself, but it was halfhearted and mostly put there by his sign of humor at my words. It felt nicer then lashing at each other.
"With Arnold's sister as Cass' mother, she had 'the talk' in second year." His voice lacked wit and was more factual. How strange it was to have our roles reversed- me speaking with pleasantry and him speaking with reality. The next few seconds went like this. Apple. Tear, Chomp. Chew. Spit Remus' innards out. "Besides, she's coming so hard on you; she wants to loosen her insides up." He pondered, crudely. I burned from my cheeks to my fingers. "Surely figuratively, though you don't seem the type to want someone's cherry. You're more of a banana man." I closed my eyes, apathetically hurt. I didn't care if he knew that he hurt me- part of me probably wanted him to know, but I don't think I had to tell him. He said it for the soul purpose of breaking me.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I question, softly. "Is it not enough that I'm sorry? What do you want from me?" He handed me a seed from the core as a reply and made it expand in my hand into another apple, with a violently vibrant shade of green. The skin was blemish free- silky smooth. It was a beautiful display of transfiguration and of feeling. He nodded at me, and I understood to bite into the flesh. It snapped almost amiably, but the juice filled my mouth. Bitter. Of course it was bitter. I should've known better; something so beautiful but so wrong tasting- off balancing, but I was caught up in only one thing. I understood what he wanted from me, as my thoughts filled my mind, but he still told me in English what it was he yearned for.
"Regret." He wanted me to regret my decisions. It wasn't enough that I was just as hurt as him- he wanted me to regret it, too. In a sense, I already did regret my choices, but they were done. What could I do? Crawl back on my knees? I knew that's what he really wanted from me. But he wasn't going to receive that. I dropped the apple in his lap before pressing my lips hard against his; him bitter, me sweet. I tasted the sweetness on his lips but in my kiss was denial, as harsh as day. A bittersweet symphony playing between our hands as he grabbed mine. I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down. You know the one that takes you to the places where all the things begin. I pulled away from him rapidly, killing myself as I did; and I was winded and he was panting, but I still talked through my breathlessness.
"Now you have my regret, my regret that we couldn't end this in a way to not hurt either of us. I gave you everything I could, Sirius! Now- I ask for your pity that I have to do this." In the close presence rang a droning, high pitched giggle. Sirius, strangely, flinched in response.
"You have my pity…that you don't see the sweetness in me." He took my hand again and placed the perfect apple into it before departing faster then I could beg him to stop and work up the nerve to apologize. Cassandra joined me again, with more food of her own, but ended up eating the remains of what seemed like Eden's very same apples. She said it was the most luscious thing she had ever tasted. I took the last bite, teeth scraping the center, and realized-
It sure as hell was.
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Cassandra was James' youngest cousin, a 4th year Hufflepuff whose own idyllic crush on me made her turn to the Death Eaters for support in helping to get me to eat out of the palm of her hand. Concerned for her safety, Dumbledore after hearing word about this, asked me to ask her out and see if she really is connected to the Death Eaters, and until I confirm that she will not wander over to evil, I'm stuck with her. It's such a meaningless, monotonous task- I expected excitement but received her. Dumbledore insists it's an important job, but so far, I'm at loss- though I am so far the only one in the Order who has been assigned a mission, though it wasn't as if I was Dumbledore's choice. I'm Cassandra's. I sat down at the table the next morning, after having skipped dinner last night to avoid my girlfriend, beside Peter and my heart sank into my stomach as Sirius walked in with someone attached to his lips like a permanent sticking charm.
Alyssa Fozzina. Her uncovered ass rubbed against my shoulder as they nearly toppled into the table. A few girls around us burst into sobs. Shocked by girls crying in his presence, Sirius broke off his kiss and let Alyssa sit in James' seat, who was missing from breakfast today along with Lily. He reached across the table for the syrup and glanced down.
"It's chocolate sauce!" He said, waving his hands, joyously. I narrowed my eyes as breakfast beamed up from the kitchen below. Chocolate chip pancakes. A lot had happened since the last time we had them. Almost too much, to the point where I found myself incapable of eating. I excused myself from the table then and exited, heading en route to the library.
Guess what stopped me from getting there. She emerged, with a different look then usual, from the Hufflepuff common room.
I ended up brushing her off as gently as I could, telling her I had to go to class early to speak to Professor Flitwick about something for NEWTS, and she gushed at the thought of having an older boyfriend, and I ended up being late for Charms. I walked in after Professor Flitwick had already assigned partners, but adamant that I would show up, no matter how late, he had paired me with Peter. Lazily, I performed the charm we were working on, to turn glass into gold, somewhat perfectly, if I don't say so myself. Rather bored, I crossed my arms and proceeded to try and sleep.
"Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, but I was wondering if I could take Miss Evans and Misters Potter, Black, and Lupin from class." Peter looked severely let down at his name being left out, and I had the decency to look apologetic as the four of us left Charms class in a rather quickened place. I didn't bother to ask until we were in Albus' office. He sat down, only to rise again in trepidation as we talked. He looked upset. "Mr. Lupin, I wish you could have been more honest with me when I asked you about your love life, even though I know it's not normally a field I want adults diving into with my students." I was crossed in confusion.
"Wha-what do you mean, Professor?" I questioned stupidly, as Sirius', James', and Lily's attention was immediately focused on me
"When I asked you if you were already in a relationship, Mr. Lupin." I stumbled over my words.
"But I wasn't already in a relationship, sir!" I found myself convincing myself more then him. He read into it to, and his troubled expression began to clear a bit, replaced by simple worry.
"But now you are?" I shook my head no, desolately, as I saw his blue orbs move slightly towards Sirius. Then he turned his full attention to him.
"Maybe I should disclose the full details of this dilemma. Miss Evans came to me this morning with a disturbing notion said by Cassandra Potter herself. A portrait in our school, who shall be nameless for the time being, mentioned to her he had seen two 'toiling knights' embracing each other in a way that was not 'brotherly', and told it was you, Remus. Then Cassandra also confided in Lily that she knew Sirius Black was after the same man as her." I jeered at myself. Who knew I could get in such girly situation. He looked at me a bit harshly then the usual Dumbledore but I didn't take it shamefully.
Too much.
"It's not like that at all, professor." I answered, as if they were magic, healing words- words I wanted to magically heal myself. There was a sigh.
"As of now, Remus, and until we figure out more about this ridiculous situation, I must ask you to avoid Mr. Black." We shared a look, and in between that look the last few months were reflected in his sharp, silver eyes and mine. He had never told me he loved me, and I had never promised him anything back.
His were hard, blazing and mine could barely stare into is. But it was what would be best, even according to Dumbledore. Was my personal happiness worth fighting Dumbledore's orders?
In a weak, hesitant voice, I agreed.
Sirius strode out of the room without glancing at me ever again, but somewhere deep inside of him, I could see the gentle Sirius, the mean Sirius, the hateful Sirius, the loving Sirius. But I loathed this indifferent, uncaring, empty Sirius that I was viewing now. The man in the iron mask. The broken twin.
So I followed through with my promise to one person; Dumbledore. And my orders got worse. Until eventually, a new day had come, the worst I had ever seen.
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I spit out my left canine tooth- something I didn't exactly relish but I probably needed it. She looked sorrowful.
"I'm so sorry, but you did this to yourself. I just want to know why you couldn't love me! I'm young, beautiful! Everything a guy should want! I threw myself at you and you just didn't want to touch me!" She proceeded to sob into my shoulders, as if she expected me to rub her back though my hands were chained to a wall.
"Cassandra- you're fucking insane." She laughed, wiped her eyeliner from her eyes and then pulled out my front tooth this time. I howled.
"I know. And you should have loved me for it."
AN: Alrighty then. First off, I want to apologize for not having a note on the last chapter, but I deleted it by mistake! Thank you to all my readers and reviewers, it makes me smile to see your thoughts! As for people who requested the unedited chapter 4, I have to find a way to get it from one computer in my house to the other without email, so you'll get it eventually! This story actually does have direction to it- I plan on making it a bumpy ride but it'll be worth it in the end. Um, I'll actually have this story go until the 'the tragic Halloween', and then I have plans for a sequel if you guys aren't bored/hate me yet. Please don't kill me for Cassandra Potter- she'll play a big role later, but Remus won't be with a girl for too long , as you can tell by the end of this chapter. I am very disappointed in my portrayal of Dumbledore- it's hard to write someone so wise when you're as dumb as me so please forgive me if he's OCC from the books. I love you all!!! - Lena