Chapter Nine -

"Breath" - Breaking Benjamin

AUTHOR'S LARGE NOTE- THIS IS A GRAPHIC CHAPTER! AND BY GRAPHIC, WE'LL SAY THIS MAKES UP FOR THE UNEDITED VERSION OF CHAPTER FOUR! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SKIP IT IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE READING SEXUALLY GRAPHIC MATERIAL. With love, Lena

James was crying. James was crying and I was lost, standing there like a statue. James stopped crying. James stopped crying and I was still standing like a monument. He glanced at Sirius, Peter, and I, all of who stood there with pensive gazes focused on him. James sighed.

"I'm done." He said, wiping his eyes until he started to turn red from the friction. "I'm done, I'm done. Let's go." He stated, before giving any of us anytime to ask if he was okay. I knew he wasn't- but I knew I didn't want to ask. He didn't want me to. Sirius left my side to walk beside James. Looking at the connection between them made me smile. Sometimes I compared my relationship with Sirius to his with James. With Sirius, all he had to do was walk beside James and some how that was enough for them. The look of gratitude James had given Sirius was enough for them; they didn't need the words I did. They didn't need the type of communication I did.

I envied James so much in that aspect. To be able to be so close with Sirius and not desire what I did. I respected that relationship so much. Lily entered the room after being with Minnie and bolted straight for James' other side, taking up his hand. That's what I would've needed from Sirius. Unsure of where to go or what to do, I placed a hand on James' shoulder from behind, and then moved beside Sirius.

Arnold was the closest thing Sirius had ever had to a father, and I knew that while James' grief was deeper, Sirius had to deal with his own while supporting a best mate. That was rough. I could do nothing but stare into his eyes, that seemed to pour his hate for whoever did this and his misery- not James' misery or Minnie's but his- into me. So I could hold it for me. He nodded at me before turning back around. James opened the door.

The services began.

The services ended.

I thought about my father, and how there would be no services, ever. Maybe a tomb given by the ministry upon identification at the most would be provided. We gathered back at the Potter residence, the reception empty of that thunderous laughter, empty of its former master.

The new master was James. The only man left in the house. Had we finally grown up so roughly? We were all of age before this, but as the old saying goes; a boy becomes a man three years after he thinks he does, but years before his parents think he is. I thought James had been a man since before I could remember him being a boy. But with me, I hardly think I've become a man. I'm not a boy- but I don't have a depth to me, the serendipity and the humility, the pain a man like James has. And Sirius.

I was just a guy; a guy who had to drain his lizard. I left the reception to wander into the tomblike upstairs of the house. The bedrooms, the library, and the private bathroom were away from the entire ruckus downstairs, the laughter and crying. There were so many emotions down there that I thanked god I wasn't empathic. I couldn't handle the mix. It'd be worse than alcohol for my stomach.

After leaving the bathroom, I heard furious screams. Smashing. I wasn't as concerned as I was sympathetic. I knew whoever it was had no intention to hurt anyone. Only to deal. I turned into the spare bedroom to see Sirius on his knees in front of the dresser. His knuckles were torn, bleeding. His eyes were screaming and groaning worse than his vocal chords. He looked at me. I shut the door and leaned against it, silently. He stood and shot his hands out to tug on my loose suit.

"Please." He said, whispering, but his eyes were still shrieking, shattering my resolve- my wits. I nodded.

It was a race. He went for my tie. I went for the buttons on his jacket. He couldn't wait for my clumsy, desperate fingers that long. He yanked on my tattered tie hard enough to bring my lips crashing on his. There was no delicacy between us, which made it all the more delicate. We didn't put up boundaries this time, and that was something that meant trust to me, and trust was delicate. I slid my hands across his back to take off his belt. It was almost an agreement. I did him, he did me. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth. He fumbled, moved my hands away from his pants, and pushed me harder against the door, undoing my undershirt. I stood there, looking for something to hold onto. I opted for his shoulders. I could tell just by the aspiration in his eyes, he needed me to be there. But he needed to be him. He needed the control. I gave it to him, with reins and all.

His hands shot out for the buckle on the belt I was wearing, then for the zipper, and then it seemed order didn't wait. He pulled down my pants.

I stood there, completely naked. He looked merely disheveled. I thought about it though. My eyes weren't that blazing. I wanted him, more then anything, but I wasn't burning. I was cooling. The healing after the hurting. He slipped his hand around me and I gasped. His grip was too tight and too loose at the same time. He was getting me off to fast, but it was still to slow. I rested my head against the door, trying not to die. Trying not to scream, but made it harder and harder as it went. When I made no sounds he held tighter and I realized, sound was what he needed. A reaction was what he needed.

"Stop holding back." He whispered in my ear. And I understood. If I held back, he had to hold back. He needed to be himself, completely. I nodded and then let out a rough groan.

"Fucking Merlin, Sirius…" I sighed, as he didn't let up. He was killing me. I started to feel my knees give out and then I was glad as he pushed against me harder, closer to the door so I couldn't slide. I was about to meet my end in his hands.

Until he stopped. The world seemed to stop, as I couldn't get a handle on my breathing. All motion just stopped. I moaned, head still thrown back against the wall...I was beyond aroused. I needed a finish, somehow, some way. I felt my hands twitch towards myself. I was ashamed by the ache I felt, but I was pained by it at the same time. I opened my eyes to see Sirius staring at me. He laced his hands with mine, placidly.

"Jesus Christ Moony- you're startling." I groaned, as he kissed my neck, his own erection now pressed against mine. I still throbbed. His lips left my neck and then seconds later I felt them somewhere else. I started to throb again and couldn't keep from saying his name as he engulfed me in his mouth, his swollen lips burning my skin.

"Padfoot, please." He tortured me, which is what I knew he needed to do. But I couldn't take it. I was beyond hot and bothered, beyond aroused. Beyond desired. I was at a point in life I believed most people would call the end. I would've done anything to have him bring me to relief. But that itself would be torture, too. Would he done with me then? "Sirius, you're…you're really, really killing me."

"You're killing me too." He said, a brief removal of his lips from my strain. But for some reason, he gave in to my request and instead of just gliding, he sucked. It was explosive, and I had. I looked down for a few moments afterwards and saw he had swallowed my release. He glanced at me, pulling himself up by my forearms. I saw myself on his lips. I saw myself in his eyes. I was so, so nervous. I didn't know what to say or ask. I leaned in closer, captured his bottom lip in mine, before slipping my tongue into his mouth.

I tasted me. I wanted to shutter away, but I tasted him. Cinnamon. And that was enough to keep me there.

"You're killing me." He whispered. I kept kissing him; I couldn't stop.

"I love you." I said, not caring. He said nothing as I slipped my hands into his hair. He kissed me back, easing up my pressure against the wall. His lips seemed to bless mine. His mouth seemed to be praying to me. He pulled away to bend down and hand me my boxers. I stepped into them. He kissed my neck as I tied them. He trailed kisses down my stomach and groped around the ground before he found my trousers. He handed those to me next, and I pulled those on, too. He pulled away and helped me back into my shirt, the jacket. Last- the tie. He did the knot and pulled it up against my neck, up to wear he had mostly been laying kisses. He gave it one more for good luck.

"I love you too." He said, simply. There was a moment of silence before I realized he wanted to leave this room. "Let's go brush our teeth." He said.

Right before he opened the door, all I could think of was: It takes an amazing friend to stand next to someone like me, a werewolf, a pouf, a naïve sexual being, Aramis -and spit cinnamon scented toothpaste into a sink. It took an act of love. And I finally had Sirius'. He opened the door, slowly.

"Did you know the bathroom was right around the corner?" Cassandra Potter asked, looking irate. I froze. She raised her wand and muttered a spell.

The next thing I know was Sirius yelled, not frightened but to draw attention. And I was bound and tied. I blacked out.

Only the good die young.

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I spit out my left canine tooth- something I didn't exactly relish but I probably needed it. She looked sorrowful.

"I'm so sorry, but you did this to yourself. I just want to know why you couldn't love me! I'm young, beautiful! Everything a guy should want! I threw myself at you and you just didn't want to touch me!" She proceeded to sob into my shoulders, as if she expected me to rub her back though my hands were chained to a wall.

"Cassandra- you're fucking insane." She laughed, wiped her eyeliner from her eyes and then pulled out my front tooth this time. I howled.

"I know. And you should have loved me for it." She was collecting all my teeth- so far a total of three- in a dish. I couldn't believe this had happened. I was wandless, and bound. You think I could take on a 14 year old girl, no matter what. Apparently, I was full of misconceptions. "But instead you love SIRIUS!" She shrieked. "A BOY!" I was surprised that there wasn't a shotgun to my temple.

"Sirius is a man, Cassandra, and so am I." I said. She looked flustered.

"Every boy wants me, Remmy, except for you!" She cried, burying her face into her hands. "Everyone!" My heart really did break for the poor girl at first, until the first tooth had been pried out. Now I would say anything to get her to shut up.

"I'm not a boy, Cassandra." I said. "And you're still just a girl."

"A man wants me!" She shouted back. "Bella told me he wanted me and-"

"Wait, Bella? Bellatrix?" I asked, aghast. The proof I needed was about to come pouring out. She nodded. "Who- what man wants you?"

"Greyback, but he asked me to call him Fenir." She said. I sucked in a large breath. "In fact, I'm pretty sure he's coming to meet me here. Wants to see you and have a chat with you. About me. I think he's coming to take me from you!" She said, batting her eyelashes. "But you don't want to let me go, do you, Remmy?"

"Shut up." I said, annoyed. I still didn't know where I was, and now apparently had a visit from Fenir Greyback to look forward to. My creator. The door swung open.

Greyback entered, and so did my mother.

I literally burned the ropes holding me from my rage.

AN- Short, but it's what I needed it to be. Reviews, please?