Fear of Fire

Disclaimer - Don't own YYH.

Chapter 18 - Forbidden Curse

XxXxX

"Hush now, little one..." Her sweet voice settled his raging emotions, settled all of his terrible nightmares. "Do not cry. Everything will be over soon..." He opened his eyes to gaze at her beautiful face. He wanted to speak but he had no voice. "We can be together in your dreams, my love. Here, I will last eternally within your heart..." As he stared into her eyes, he found himself back at the burning park. "All of your sins will be forgiven." He saw that scared expression that haunted him, even still. He saw her burning alive and couldn't do anything to stop it. "Rest easy, my sweet koorime." He found himself once again holding the sacrificial blade, cutting her throat without even a moment's hesitation. "You will always be forgiven..."

"No..." He managed to choke out. His eyes burned as he pulled away from her. "I cannot be forgiven..." His throat burned. She frowned at him, her eyes narrowing. She was telling him everything he wanted - no, needed to hear. Every single word. But he knew that it wasn't real. He knew that it couldn't be real. No one could forgive such terrible deeds without even batting an eyelash. All of the suffering that he was causing made him want to scream. "Those...things..." He nearly threw up. Why? He had no idea. "They are not...forgivable..."

"Why?" She smiled and reached out to touch him. He backed away, feeling all of his guilt surface. "You seemed to have suffered enough. Why not forgive yourself?" His eyes lowered.

"Because...I don't know how..."

He jerked awake, falling off of his tree branch. Sweat was pouring down his face and his stomach was a turbulent mess. Trying to shake off his nightmare, he took plenty of deep breaths. Why was he plagued with such harsh nightmares? All of his life, he had been afraid of sleep. It was the most terrifying thing he could ever imagine. Those visions...they knew him inside and out. They knew his mind, knew his soul enough to torture him to the brink of snapping. But now, they were worse. Because of her.

"Why...?" He asked aloud, just to break the tense silence. After a few minutes of concentrating on his breathing, he decided to train. It had been far too long since he felt the sweet feeling of his katana in his hand and his mind only on techniques and battle simulations.

XxXxX

About two hours into his activities, he sensed a familiar presence. He stopped mid-drill and turned in the direction of the person or...demon. He pointed his katana at his unexpected guest as though he was going to kill him.

"Come to play, kitsune?" Hiei frowned, not liking the fact that he was interrupted. "Or did you want to speak with me? I have things I want to do so make it quick." In fact, the koorime knew the reason for his friend's visit. Kurama walked out into the open and sat down, giving Hiei the message that it wouldn't be quick. "Can't this wait?"

"No, Hiei, it cannot." Finally speaking, the kitsune made direct eye contact with his friend. "I think this is very important." Hiei snorted and sheathed his katana. He walked over, standing a close but not-too-close distance away.

"Important? You've just come to be nosy, haven't you? Listen, I am quite certain that you got the information you desired from the onna..." He trailed off suddenly. Her scent was covering Kurama, as though they had been really close and making full contact. Had they...revived their relationship?

"Not nearly as much as I could get from you. I know why you took her but why are you guilty? And you are pushing her away, which isn't helping either of you in the long run." The koorime tuned out his voice after that point. He was sure that Kurama would go into a full-on rant if he tried to fight the topic. "Will you stop being stubborn and listen to me for once?" He crossed his arms and turned his back to his partner.

"Why should I? It's clearly more fun when you're riled up." He wasn't about to get in a brawl with the kitsune but pissing him off was always fun. And it was quite easy for Hiei to make him lose his patience fast. No one else had that special talent, except maybe Yuusuke but that was just dumb luck and it happened rarely. But what bothered Hiei about Kurama was the fact that the clever kitsune knew how to get under his skin. He knew just how to get his desired reaction out of the fire koorime. "And who are you to talk about pushing people away? How many times have I seen you get short with someone? You push people away in a more reserved way but you still do it. You can't lecture me, Kurama."

"Hiei, this is for your own good. Will you please just listen to what I have to say? Stop fighting with me just to run away from the obvious." The koorime was getting sick of the conversation quite fast. "You care about her. What your reason is for keeping her fifty feet away is beyond me. Don't you dare tell me you don't want her to get hurt, either. It is most definitely within your range to protect her." Kurama noticed a change in his friend's Reiki. "Please don't keep us all at bay."

"How can I protect her from myself, kitsune? How many times now have I hurt her? How many times has she been hurt because of me?" Hiei wouldn't allow himself to turn around. His eyes were too unguarded, too expressive. He hid his expression beneathe the shadows of his black bangs. "She was better off when we were mere acquaintences. I was better off when I didn't know who she was."

"What are you...trying to say? That you want to cut all ties with her? You know that it would break her!" The kitsune got up and forced the koorime to turn around. The former slammed his friend into a tree, glaring into unfamiliar crimson eyes. "You've changed, Hiei. It was for the better but now, I'm not really sure. In fact, I can't even identify who you really are anymore." Hands wrapped around his wrists, squeezing them so hard that it nearly cut off circulation.

"I am trying to do something right for once. This is unfamiliar territory for me and you know that. In fact, you know all the ways to get to me. You know what makes me angry, you know what I live for, and you know how I feel. You know what I am. So don't you dare stand there and tell me that you don't know who I am. Kurama, this is what I choose. You know ningen hearts better than I do. You know the emotions far better than I ever could." Hiei's body temperature sky-rocketed. "I am a demon. I know only violence and pain. The world is black and white to me. There are no colors except blood. There is no such thing as love in my world. Tell me what the hell this is! In all of my life, I have never felt so disgusted at myself." His voice was quieter. "You've lived like this before. You know both sides of this wretched existance. Tell me... How can I make someone happy when I don't even know what it means?"

"Hiei..." Kurama's grip went completely slack. Hiei had no idea what had been happening. He had no idea what Botan was feeling because he never felt it, never knew of its existance. "You can't even forgive yourself because you don't what it means. You can't love her because you don't know what it is. All you can do is protect those that inspire something other than hatred inside of you."

"Exactly, Kurama." He shoved the kitsune away, his crimson eyes narrowed. "We are merely partners. We've always worked toward the same goal. Don't give me dribble about friendship because I have no concept of what it is. As for Yukina, the protectiveness I feel for her is not love but only the fact that she is my blood, my responsibility." The only depth that the koorime had was his level of intelligence and his skill for fighting. "No one can change a demon. I cannot be changed. It is not within the rules of reality. Hell if I know what it was that was between me and the onna. I can...only protect her. I can only do what I think should be done."

"But demons can feel love, Hiei. Granted, it isn't the same as what ningens feel but it is there. You must have felt something..."

"I cannot know love or happiness. My life is one bitter hell. Remember? I am the Forbidden Child. It is more than just a name. The damn thing is my curse." Kurama stared at his friend, suddenly breaking everything down. All that time with Botan...it was only his protectiveness. The bitterness of the whole thing made the kitsune feel like crying. He couldn't imagine how the koorime must have felt. But...Hiei probably didn't understand crying, either. "Her sentiment toward me made me secure. But that is what drives me away. Security is not something I can deal with."

"But...there must be a way around the curse. We could go to Makai and-"

"And what, Kurama? There is nothing there. I fought and killed my bastard of a father. It's all his fault that I even exist. Damn his insufferable attraction to purity..." Kurama hid his expression, feeling a stinging sensation in his eyes. He grabbed Hiei's shoulders before pulling him into an embrace. The koorime stiffened. "I...I thought we just talked about this, kitsune!"

"I...It is only for my sake... Please..." Hiei sighed and smelled the saltiness of tears. Kurama was actually crying...on his shoulder. It left him feeling completely empty. Why couldn't he feel those forbidden emotions? Why couldn't he begin to fathom the depths of friendship or love? Why couldn't he be with Botan?

XxXxX

"Shiori-san! So good to see you." Botan bowed with a gentle smile on her face. "Is Shuuichi in? He left a message on my phone that he needed to speak with me." Shiori grinned and let the young woman inside.

"He is in his room." She took Botan's coat and watched as the girl removed her shoes before going up the steps. Botan couldn't help but feel worried. The message... The kitsune had sounded so upset. Perhaps he had talked with Hiei and the latter had been difficult. She prayed that she wouldn't find Kurama wrapping any wounds that looked like katana slashes. Knocking gently before entering, she opened the door to find the room filled with books. The strange thing was that they were all...from the Reikai library.

"Kurama, what's going on?" She closed the door and looked at the nature of the books. They were all on curses. "Did something happen? Is everyone all right?" The kitsune didn't lift his head from his book. She walked cautiously around the large stacks and made it to her friend. When she got closer, she realized that he was asleep. She took the book that was in his hands and read the passages.

These are on birth curses... But what the hell is he trying to figure out? And why did he want to talk to me? I don't know anything about birth curses...or even these rare curses that these books are about.

"Botan...?" She let out a squeak when she heard him call out to her. Looking up at him, she realized that he was still asleep. Furrowing her brows, she kneeled down in front of him and poked him. He didn't stir.

"Who knew you could be such a sound sleeper? I thought demons slept with their senses tuned into their surroundings." She smiled before gently shaking him by his shoulder. He opened his eyes and drowsily looked up at her. His eyes went wide and he backed away from her. "What's gotten into you, Kurama? And why the in-home library?"

"What are you doing here? I didn't mean for you to come down here to talk to me... Why didn't you just call back?" He rubbed his eyes and began looking for the book he was reading. She held it out to him. Her expression was not one that he wanted to confront.

"What is going on? Did something happen that I should know about?" The dark rings under his eyes said that he hadn't slept in a couple of days. "And I was out today so I decided to drop by." He slipped a marker into the book before slamming it shut. It was then that she noticed that he still had the same clothes on that she had seen him in the night that he had followed her to her apartment. "You're not yourself..."

"I wanted to ask you if you'd seen Hiei." The ferry girl stared at him before letting his reply sink in. She went completely white, assuming the worst. "Nothing happened to him, Botan. I just wanted to know if maybe he talked to you." She shook her head. There were a ton of questions in her mind and he could tell just by looking at her. "All right..." The sigh of relief luckily escaped the ferry girl's attention. The only thing that Kurama wanted to do was free Hiei from his wretched curse. Emotions were too much for him, he couldn't even begin to understand them. All he knew were the dark ones, the ones that led only to one path. Perhaps the curse was slipping in the presence of purity within Botan. But he wasn't even close to figuring out just what he needed to know. "This is just...research. It is a personal project that I've been working on engaging for a long while now." Surprisingly, Kurama was a good liar. The only one he couldn't lie to was Hiei because the koorime could sense it. However, there were tracks that he sloppily missed. And the ferry girl was a pretty good detective.

"So...no one is in any trouble?" He shook his head. "But you sounded so upset on the phone. And if this was only a project then why aren't you taking any breaks to change, shower, sleep, or even eat?"

"This is important, okay? This is just something that I need to do." He didn't feel like fighting with her. His temperament of late had been extremely short and he hadn't been getting any sleep. Just when he thought he'd found something useful, it wound up to be nothing more than just a fact that he didn't even need. That was how it had been for the past couple of days.

"This has something to do with Hiei, doesn't it? You spoke to him, didn't you? Will you tell me what's happening? Please, Kurama! For once don't keep a painful secret locked up. Let me help you!" They were silent for a few moments.

"Curses, huh, kitsune? What did I tell you about this one?" They whirled around to see the koorime sitting in the window. "You don't understand this, do you? Just like I don't understand emotion." Botan looked from Hiei to Kurama and noticed the look on the kitsune's face. "This is something you cannot interfere in."

"I will still try. You deserve the same, if not even more, as anyone else." Hiei's eyes narrowed.

"Why can't you just accept it? I did long ago. Now, why don't you just give up this fruitless search and go on with your life?" He growled, his fists clenched at his sides. It was a painful moment for him, of that Botan could tell. But she had no idea what either of them were talking about. She had no idea what was going on. "Don't play petty games. Don't pretend that this can be fixed."

"Hiei?" Botan stared at him with a gaze he couldn't begin to fathom. "Is everything okay?" He turned around and went to leave before something made him stop.

"You know nothing of what that idiot was spouting?" He asked quietly. She looked back at Kurama with a confused gaze. The kitsune wasn't even looking up. "Onna." Her eyes went back to the koorime, who was just standing there with his back turned to her. Why couldn't he face her? Why...?

"No, he wouldn't say anything. Hiei, will you please tell me? I...I want to help..." He was gone before she could even finish telling him what she was going to say. "Kurama, you'd better answer me." Something was wrong with Hiei. She could feel it. Turning to glare at him, she found that she couldn't. Kurama was on his knees, his hands clenched into fists. Her stomach churned, making her feel sick. What was going on?

XxXxX

There were no words to describe it. There was no way he could handle it. Those feelings that he had around her...

"They shouldn't exist within my mind...or my body." He whispered as he stopped. He had been running around with no concept of where he even was. All he knew was that he was finally out of breath. For hours, his mind played with him. How could he even understand what she was to him? It couldn't just be lust. She was pretty but...he would've known if it was a physical attraction. His curse... What was going on? Perhaps the only one he could talk to was someone who probably knew exactly what his curse was.

Threatening scared women wasn't something he did every day but it was fun every now and then. Hitching a ride to Reikai hadn't been very hard, for there were many ferry girls out and about. They knew who he was so the threatening didn't take too long. Pushing open the doors, he stormed over to the desk and grabbed the person behind it by the front of the robes.

"Tell me what the hell is going on." His demand would've been better answered if Koenma actually knew what he was talking about. The toddler was actually able to remain calm under the dark and disturbing circumstances. He managed to slide out of Hiei's grasp and get back to his comfortable and rather safe chair. After making a brief inquiry, he got the koorime to settle down. "This curse of mine, Koenma. Tell me about it. Tell me what it'll take to get rid of it." All curses had to have a weakness and he would be in tons of trouble if he couldn't get rid of his.

"Well, Forbidden One, I will have to have a minute to think about it." Koenma coughed and readjusted his collar. Then he sat back thoughtfully. It had been a while since he had even thought about the curse. Most people thought it was just a title, that it was nothing more than cruel dribble spouted by some demon. But it wasn't. It was an actual curse. And damn to the depths with whoever cast it. That was why his father had been locked away. "Usually I would say you would have to kill the one who cast it but it isn't broken so that method is ruled out."

"I didn't come here to go through methods, toddler! If I'd wanted to do that, I would've stayed with Kurama." The koorime was unusually short tempered, the godling noticed. Perhaps it was finally beginning to dawn on him how much of a curse it really was. How much it actually restricted.

"Fine, fine, Hiei. Your curse is rather rare and I've only seen it once. It isn't easy to break. In fact, I would say it can be rather impossible. You see, your curse as Forbidden Child makes you forbidden to others, as it makes others forbidden to you. But there is only one reason for this. You cannot understand complex emotions. Rage, pain, hate, and agony are really all you understand because they are pretty basic. With your curse...it has no form, no mark, no real way of wiping it from memory." Hiei was prepared for bad news. He expected Koenma to tell him that there was no chance in hell that he could break it. But those words had not left the godling's mouth. "There is no way to break it. You can only learn to make it disappear."

"Learn what?" He wanted to grab Koenma's robes again and shake the answer out of him. "Don't talk in circles to me."

"I'm getting to it, Hiei. This is very complicated...but to think about it for a split second, it seems ridiculously easy. You see, the curse means for you not to feel happiness, love, kindness, and security. The only thing you can do for those that you don't hate is to protect them because, yes, they do mean something to you. You really can feel those things. All you have to do is learn to identify them and explore them. No curse is allowed to strip emotion. This one only does so by making you think you cannot so therefore you lose the understanding. When you were young and learned you had one family member left, what did you do?" The koorime frowned. "You went to find her. You learned what it meant to not be alone without even realizing it. Next, you got the Jagan eye implanted because you wanted to always protect her. That feeling of protectiveness and sacrifice is something inspired by a form of love." Hearing those words made Hiei realize what his father had actually done to him. And it only made it even more cruel. His father had led him to believe that he couldn't feel happy, when he could have.

"You mean to tell me, those little glimpses of feelings were of those I wasn't supposed to feel?" He asked quietly. "And I was feeling them all along only I couldn't understand them?"

"Exactly. You only have to identify them. Another example for you... Do you want to protect Kurama?" The koorime nodded without even thinking about it. "You get angry when he is hurt and you want to hurt those that caused it?" Again, he nodded without hesitation. "That is inspired by friendship. You get along well with him and you both understand each other more than anyone else could. Do you want to imagine not having Kurama there for you?" He shook his head. If Kurama hadn't been there for him, hadn't helped him... "He is your friend. And you've learned to accept Yuusuke and the gang as friends. They are certainly not your enemies and they are more than comrades." Koenma felt rather pleased with his explanations. He hadn't had much time to think with being put on the spot like that.

"What about Botan?" He froze. The question was so quiet that he almost didn't catch it. But it was clear enough what the koorime meant. "She's different than the others... I...I want to know what it is." Truth be told, Koenma couldn't hand him the answer to that one. Hiei would have to figure it out on his own. After all, the toddler couldn't really be sure what it was that the koorime was feeling.

"I'm sorry but...I can't give you that answer."

XxXxX

Botan sat on her couch, her legs stretched out and a magazine propped open on them. She stared down at the articles, barely even skimming some of them. However, there were some rather interesting articles that did deserve full attention. But the rest were barely worth a minute. She took a sip of her coffee and sighed. Hiei had acted really strange but that wasn't even comparable to Kurama's behavior. She made a sound of frustration and threw the magazine across the room. The only reason she had bought it had been to take her mind off of the two of them. It had only worked for the first hour... Glancing at her television, she decided that maybe she could find a good movie on or maybe even the game channel would be fine. Just as long as her mind didn't wander back to her two demon friends. Suddenly, the phone rang and made her nearly fall off her couch. She reached for it and brought it to her ear.

"Hello?" She was still trying to calm herself down from the little falling episode.

"Botan? It's Keiko. How are you? I wasn't sure if you were home or not..." Relief filled the ferry girl's mind. If anyone knew how to distract her, it would be Keiko. At least, she hoped so.

XxXxX

Kurama was cleaning up his room when Hiei got there. The kitsune looked so frustrated. Hiei had never seen Kurama so upset about anything before. He remembered what Koenma had said about friendship. From what he could figure out on his own, friendship was a mild form of love. It wasn't different from the concept of love itself but it was certainly not as strong. He reached forward and opened the window, climbing in quietly like he always used to. But the kitsune had heard the window open. He turned to watch Hiei enter before sitting down on his bed. How much more would he actually have to take?

"Kurama, I need to talk to you." There was a certain tone in Hiei's voice that Kurama couldn't identify. He nodded, telling the koorime to continue. "W-What I came here for... I-I know that we are more than partners, more than comrades... But I still need work on identifying and understanding that. Give me some time and I'll know what a friend is." All was silent for a few moments. Hiei had his fists clenched at his sides, his eyes gazing deep into Kurama's.

"What...?" For being known as a perceptive person, the kitsune was being very dimwitted. "What are you talking about?"

"I can understand, kitsune. I can feel emotions other than those I know. Don't you understand? All I need to do is learn the depth and meaning of those emotions you were blabbering about so much. My curse...it can disappear." The smile that appeared on Kurama's face was nothing like Hiei had ever seen on him before.

"Really? That's wonderful, Hiei!" Kurama grabbed him and embraced him, nearly squeezing him to death. "Now all you have to do is figure out what Botan means to you. And you have to tell Yuusuke that everything is all right. He stopped over after you left and...it all spilled out. He promised me that he wouldn't say a word to anyone so I doubt anyone else knows." The fact that the detective knew was enough to make Hiei groan. He didn't need to be dumbing down the logic of the curse to the imbecile. At least he wouldn't have to make it so simple a baby would understand like he would have if Kuwabara knew but still the detective had a mentality of a five year old sometimes. Or...when it came to demons and anything related to the subject.

"Perfect. Thanks a lot, kitsune." So, he left Kurama's just as soon as the kitsune let him go. He had to go to Yuusuke before the detective spouted the story to anyone that would listen.

XxXxX

Well, that's all for now. I wanted to give you a longer chapter for once. So, I hope you like it. Wonder what could be next? We'll find out, won't we?

Thank you for your support and I really look forward to more reviews so that I can hear from all of you. Thank you for sticking with me through this long ride and I hope you've been enjoying it so far. On that cheerful note, I leave you with a request. I know you must get this all the time but it means a lot. Please review!