Bzzzz, Bzzzzz.
Bzzzz, Bzzzzz.
Artemis Fowl felt around his nightstand for an alarm clock, knocking over an antique lamp in the process. He didn't find one. Groaning, he flipped over onto his stomach. It couldn't possibly be seven already.
Bzzzz, Bzzzzz
His hand was vibrating. His hand? What the heck? Then he quickly remembered the fairy communicator. He must have fallen asleep with it on while researching Jade Phoenix, rumored to be located in present-day Korea. The Jade Phoenix was a legendary relic said to have belonged to the first emperor in the Qin dynasty, a ruthless, bloodthirsty tyrant. Artemis connected the fairy communicator. Only his old fairy comrade, Holly Short, and the technical centaur genius, Foaly, knew how to reach him.
"Holly? Is that you? If it is, you do know it's only about five in the morning up here right now?" snapped Artemis silently the second he connected the communicator.
"Well hello to you too. But I've got some news for you." Holly's voice gave away nothing, despite the perfect sound quality of the communicator.
"It better be good. I was just dreaming about…er, never mind." Artemis yawned. "Allow me to guess. You and Foaly are getting married."
"What? No way!" came a disgusted Holly's voice. Artemis smiled in spite of his grogginess. He forgot how much he had missed her. They hadn't seen each other in months. "Foaly's way too busy trying to impress Caballine, his little pony or whatever he calls her."
"Sounds like someone's a little jealous" came another, definitely masculine voice. Artemis chuckled slightly. Leave it to the centaur to eavesdrop on their conversation.
"Foaly?" Holly asked incredulously. "What are you doing?"
"Hey, just checking that you two aren't killing each other." He answered. Artemis could just imagine a smug smile pasted on his lips. Perhaps he would have to update that image, he had heard Foaly had lost more than just a pound or two.
"Over the phone?"
"Who knows? Anyways, I'll tell you what the news is. Your favorite little imp warlock just created a huge gold plated shrine for you. Not big, but we needed an excuse to call you."
"Well, I'm flattered. But gold plated?" said Artemis with a small grin.
"Hey, I basically saved his life, and what do I get? A carton of carrots. Hmph."
"No, actually, that's not what I was going to say. I'm due to the surface in a few weeks for the ritual. Just a heads up so you'll know. I'll be bringing along a friend though." Said Holly smugly. "If you know what I mean."
Artemis rolled his cobalt eyes. "Let me guess, Mulch?"
"Yup. I'm surprised he kept his nose clean for three years with Doodah as his partner. I would have thought they'd go back to smuggling diamonds and jade and rubies and whatever their fancy. Actually, I think they did. He seems to have added a few suspicious artifacts to his collection."
Artemis contemplated this chance. He wasn't sure whether or not he should seek fairy help with his latest endeavor. But they ought to have much more information on the Jade Phoenix than available on the web. Well, it was now or never. "Speaking of Jade, Foaly, could you do me a favor?"
"Of course, I'd do anything for you, Arty." Replied the centaur, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Artemis pretended he had not heard.
"Would you run up a search on a certain Jade Phoenix? I need it for a school project." Better take a gamble at it anyways.
"School project? Don't make me laugh. I happen to know that you've been looking for this Jade Phoenix for over a year now. Am I not right?"
"And I happen to have believed you had stopped tapping into my research." Came Artemis's blunt reply.
"Hey, isn't the Jade Phoenix that one thing the crazy Mud Man emperor had? And he made some warlock cast a spell on it or something." Said Holly, obviously with her mouth full. Artemis had a feeling it wasn't exactly caviar.
"Close. The first emperor of the China, Qin Shi Huangdi, discovered a fairy warlock and forced it to cast a spell on two relics, the Jade Phoenix and the Jade Tiger. Once done, the warlock was to be killed. He managed to mesmerize the emperor and run away. Well, that's the basic story I remember from Human Studies in middle school."
"A warlock? So what exactly was the spell?" asked Artemis, suddenly extremely interested. He pulled out his laptop and opened a word processor. He had thought the lore about the Jade Phoenix having magical powers was false, but apparently he was wrong. What a surprise.
"It was a death spell. The Phoenix and the Tiger could be conjoined, and all the emperor had to say a surname and the whole family would be wiped out without a problem. Some Corruption of Blood. I'm not sure warlocks nowadays can even do that anymore – they lost a lot of their power, including alchemy. Just imagine my budget if they could still do alchemy…"
"Have you managed to locate them yet?" asked Artemis impatiently. He didn't have time for Foaly's babble. He would be obtaining something worthy of value from both the fairies and humans, and that was pretty valuable.
"Kind of. They are both in either China or Mexico, we know that for sure."
"Mexico?" asked Holly. She had stopped eating.
"Yes. The Huns realized the emperor's possession of the Jade Treasures and set out to steal them. They realized that they could not be destroyed, and attempted to get rid of them by 'sailing off the edge of the world.' Ha, barbarians. Instead, they ended up in present day Mexico, and decided to hide the Jade Treasures in a Mayan pyramid, which just happened to have a curse of some sort on it, responsible by the same warlock that had cast a spell on the Jade Treasures. He was retired and wanted to enjoy the rest of his life aboveground, but was eventually found and labeled as a magical god of some sort by the humans. His two spells reacted to one another, and one of the relics, the Jade Tiger was whisked back to China onto another one of his own magical works. Think of it as a magnet. Unfortunately, the warlock, Pyn'gla, had a special liking for the oriental race and created many magical workings in China, meaning one of the relics could be just about anywhere the warlock had practiced his magic. There's the Penglai mirage, the Pengzu Mountain, or Fairy Mountain, and many more."
"Huh?" asked Holly. Artemis and Foaly ignored her.
"What happened to the Jade Phoenix then?" asked Artemis as he tapped keys on his laptop.
"According to these files, the entire Mayan pyramid was taken into another time a few hundred thousand years earlier, along with the phoenix. Kind of like your time travel adventure. The pyramid ended up in present-day Kazakhstan, but thanks to plate tectonics, eventually ended up in China, where it kind of disappeared. I wonder how the People felt back then when a pyramid suddenly appeared out of nowhere. They probably thought it was a practical joke."
"And I might ask what you're planning to do with all this information?" asked Holly in a sharp voice.
"Oh, you know, the usual." Said Artemis innocently.
"Since I've pumped you full of information already, would you mind doing us a favor?" asked Foaly from the other line. Artemis didn't miss the boastful tone in his voice.
"I expected as much. You would like me to turn in the Jade Treasures to the people, am I correct?" asked Artemis. He contemplated it for a moment. "In that case, forget it. Gold's an easier target. I won't even get famous off of it."
"As if you need the fame. How about this, you can give it to us just so we can null the spell. Then we'll give them both back to you. There was actually a Section 17, I think, that was devoted to this project. They lost all their money trying to figure out how to get technology to work on the Penglai and Pengzu mountain, so the project's been on hold." Said Foaly. "I can give you my hunches to where they are…but-"
"I'll sleep on it. But what are your hunches?"
"Tut tut, only when you decide. We can't just throw valuable information onto the hands of the manipulating great Artemis Fowl the Second, now can we?"
"All right, all right. I'll do it. What's your hunch?" said Artemis as he glanced at the clock. It was still only 5:39.
Foaly didn't wait to confirm Artemis's words. He, like usual, was all too ready to boast about his seemingly endless knowledge. "Well, my first theory is that the Jade Tiger is on the Penglai Mountain. It is an extremely powerful magical element. Pyn'gla once cloaked a mountain. In other words, he made it invisible. The spell is unraveling now, and the mountain is visable for periods of weeks or months, but Mud People shrug it off as a mirage. How do you live with such narrow-mindedness?"
"And your second hunch?" asked Artemis. He actually had a mild idea himself from tidbits of information he had picked up on one of his internet searches. All he needed was Foaly's idea.
"I've calculated the movement of plate tectonics and come up with the result that the Jade Phoenix should be around present-day Yunnan in China. I'm not sure where, but you could always just look around and try to find Mayan-like pyramids." Suggest Foaly sarcastically. Sadly, he was being truthful.
"Like that'll help." muttered Artemis under his breath.
"You done now? Seriously." Came an irritated female voice. "It sucks talking to two geniuses for half an hour. My head hurts and I wasn't even listening."
"It's genii." responded Artemis.
"Actually, it is both." replied Foaly haughtily. "Don't argue with the guy with a bigger dictionary than you."
"Touché. Bye then." Said Artemis. He disconnected the line before Foaly or Holly had a chance to say farewell. Within two hundred seconds, he had a pair of tickets booked to China, and had indulged in his favorite pastime – plotting.
Artemis's plot was embarrassingly elementary. It was so obvious is didn't really need explaining, but here it was for your sake, as you probably have a headache from reading about the Jade Treasures. He would get Butler and Juliet, Holly if possible, to go with him. They would check out the Penglai mirage first. Artemis wasn't sure when the Penglai Mountain would appear, Foaly hadn't given him enough details to do calculations. This one would have to rely on fortune. If the mirage was not there, they would go to Yunnan and find the lost city, break into the pyramids, and sooner or later they would find the Jade Phoenix. Of course, if any obstacles came up, he would have to improvise. But as far as Artemis was concerned, nobody else had ever tried looking for the Jade Phoenix.
He called Butler and Juliet upstairs into his room.
Artemis squirmed uncomfortably in a generic airport small chair, becoming more and more impatient by each passing moment. The harsh fluorescent lights gave his pale skin an eerie glow. Their plane had been delayed for over an hour due to a severe snowstorm in China and a pretty amber-haired girl kept shooting smoldering glances his way. Or maybe she was looking at the obese, hairy man next to him that greatly resembled a less-smelly Mulch Diggums without the bum-flap or teeth. He doubted that. Artemis averted his gaze from the girl's verdigris eyes and pretended to be searching his phone inbox for an overly important text message. Beside him, Juliet was holding a Seventeen magazine in front of her face but Artemis could tell she was nodding to sleep. Butler remained stoic, but his deep navy eyes seemed to be fixated on his rolex.
Artemis sighed and leaned back on his seat. A voice boomed over the loudspeaker and he sat up quickly, but his hopes were quickly dashed. Nope, different flight. He leaned back again and closed his eyes, refining his crude plot. He was just nodding off when he felt a sharp jab on his neck.
"Wha..."
"Time to board the flight, lazybutt." Said Juliet, shaking her tousled golden hair out. Artemis got up shakily to his feet before following Butler onto the plane. A slim Asian lady greeted him with an accented "hello". He ignored her, eagerly waiting for when he could sleep on the plane.
The inside of the plane looked even less comfortable than the seats at the airport, and Artemis pitied those who were squirming in the small economy seats. At least they would be traveling in first class. Amidst the chaos, he felt a foot whip in front of him and he stumbled slightly before tripping over the bulk of a piece of luggage, crashing onto a large first-class seat. Oh, very suave Artemis.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" shrieked a female voice. He turned to see the attractive girl that he had seen at the boarding gate. She had polished sepia hair and green eyes. Damn puberty. He brushed his Armani suit spitefully and shot her a hate-filled glare.
"Congratulations, you've finally managed to get my attention. What are you going to do next, just happen to sit next to me?" asked Artemis harshly. What was he supposed to say? Thank you for tripping me and humiliating me in public?
"Well, I sit right there." She said innocently, pointing to a window seat two rows down. "Next to that really big guy with no hair."
"He's my bodyguard, meaning that's my seat." Replied Artemis coldly as his eyes scanned over Butler. "So you obviously must sit somewhere else."
"No, I think you sit on the other side, with your girlfriend." Said the girl, pointing to Juliet, who quickly looked away, smirking.
"Hey, Arty." Said Juliet coyly before giggling.
"That's not my girlfriend." Hissed Artemis as he shot Juliet the same hostile glare he had used on the annoying girl. He was even more annoyed when he saw on his flight ticket that she was right. How did she know that in the first place?
The girl smiled and held out a manicured hand. "Oh really? In that case, my name's Tinisha…um, Rhodes."
Artemis ignored the hand. He glanced at Juliet, who's face was buried under the magazine she had been reading earlier. The magazine was upside down.
"Oh please, Juliet. Spare me the theatrics." He muttered. Tinisha bit her lower lip.
Juliet looked up and smiled at Tinish before waving to her big brother. "I already like that Tinisha girl. Hey Butler, wanna trade seats?"
The Eurasian manservant managed to stifle a chuckle. "Sure Jules."
Artemis sighed with relief once Butler had fastened seated beside the youth. He peered suspiciously at Tinisha, who was already giggling with Juliet and casting looks his direction. "Butler, did you notice anything rather suspicious about that girl?"
"Well, she is wearing an earpiece, and there are no cell phones admitted on the plane."
"Perhaps they are headphones?" suggested Artemis. Butler did have a point though. Before Butler could reply, Tinisha had removed the earpiece. "Or perhaps not."
Butler frowned. His soldier sense was buzzing again, but he couldn't see the threat from the ditzy brown-haired girl. Then again, the most dangerous people were always misleading.
"She seems awfully determined to get to know us. Did you hear? She even knew where I was sitting. I didn't notice her telling anyone else her name." said Artemis quietly.
Butler shrugged and snuck a look at Tinisha. He lips curved into a slight smile. "Well, consider yourself lucky then. It's not every day there's a girl hitting on you."
"And what would you do if she went to the same hotel as us?" asked Artemis. He knew he was being unreasonable. If Tinisha could afford a first class plane ticket and the Gucci carryon bag she was toting, it was a fair bet she could afford to stay at the hotel they were lodging at.
"I wouldn't be surprised. She looks pretty high maintenance to me. Why are so interested?" asked Butler, who was beginning to be more thankful of the dark sunglasses shielding his eyes. While he managed to keep most of the humor away from his mouth, his eyes would have told the story.
"I'm just suspicious." Murmered Artemis.
"More than your bodyguard? Well that's a first. If you are as suspicious as you claim you are, you're being even more paranoid than Foaly."
"I take that as an insult. But perhaps I am burdening myself." Artemis signed deeply and glanced out the window. The plane was inching along at what seemed like half a mile per hour. "I think I'll just relax for now. I can worry about this later."
Butler grunted and fixed his seatbelt, which barely made it around his waist. "It's just exactly like you to procrastinate."
"I know, isn't it?" replied Artemis before sliding an uncomfortable sleeping mask over his pale face.
"So tell me, is Arty bisexual?"
Juliet nearly chocked on her champagne. Obtaining alcohol was hard for her, despite the fact she was over the legal age. She got carded every single time, and when she flashed her I.D. card, they gave her skeptical looks. Of course fake I.D.'s were common, but hers was 100 genuine. Ugh, she hated paranoia. "Are you kidding me? He's straight as a ruler!"
"How do you know that? Has he ever had a girlfriend?" asked Tinisha, hooking a strand of hair behind an ear. She smiled inwardly – she already had Juliet, and Butler would be easy seeing how close the siblings were. Her only problem would be Artemis himself, but maybe Alyssa…er, Johanna would be able to manipulate him.
"Uh, well, no. But he did have like an unofficial relationship with this French girl called Minerva." Replied Juliet, suddenly questioning Artemis's orientation herself. It was true, he had had an abnormally small amount of girlfriends in his teenage years.
"Ooh, a French girl? Lucky him." Said Tinisha with a small giggle. "Are they still together?"
"Nah, but I think he's got a thing for you." Responded Juliet with a mischievous grin. "He looked this way like five times before putting that sleeping mask over his face."
"Oh baby." Said Tinisha, forcing enthusiasm in her voice, barely stifling an "ew". Her taste in guys was way better than Alyssa's, and Arty just wasn't her type. Well, he wasn't exactly the kind of guy Alyssa usually went for either, but apparently she thought he was pretty hot. Artemis was okay-looking, but too prim and proper for her taste. He looked boring.
"So, why are you going to China anyways?" asked Juliet after a small silence. "We're going because Artemis has another one of his retarded schemes. He loves doing illegal stuff."
Hmm, perhaps he wasn't as boring as he looked. Tinisha liked illegal. "Um, this thing I offered to do for my university. Have you heard of Stanford? It's in California."
Juliet frowned. She and Tinisha may have already became friends, but she had not forgotten her training at Madame Ko's academy. "Then why are you in Ireland?"
Busted. Tinisha racked her brains. Fortunately, working for Ricky for the past four years gave her extremely quick wits. Well, excuses that is. "Oh, the thing I volunteered for is like this education thing. I'm supposed to go to foreign countries and interview the schools and such. So far I've been to, uh, France, Italy, Ireland, Iceland, and I'm about to go to China, Australia, and Chile. I don't think I'm going to Africa though – the diseases scare me."
"Seems pretty expensive for your school to be sponsoring." Noted Juliet suspiciously.
"Oh, I'm using my own money for this. This is a good opportunity to travel too, and I don't even get marked down for absences. This is basically a big vacation in the middle of the school year."
"That's so cool. Hey, is that an iPod?"
"Yeah, you wanna listen to it? I haven't updated it in like, forever." Replied Tinisha blankly.
"Sure. What songs do you have?" questioned Juliet as she reached her manicured fingers for the sleek black iPod video.
"Just a crapload. I like hip hop and R & B." Tinisha was about to say 'Alyssa likes all that hardcore shit though' but caught herself.
Juliet leaned back on the pillow and scrolled through the videos in Tinisha's iPod. Hmm, Charlie's Angels, Kill Bill, and a few more action movies. Odd, Tinisha didn't strike Juliet as the action-loving type. That should teach her not to judge.
Tinisha pulled out her Blackberry after Juliet had indulged in a long game of Bejeweled and checked her messages. She had a new message from "Johanna".
Tinisha,
I'm in Shanghai right now. I'm lodging at a hotel called Hyatt, and I hope you will do the same. It's really nice here. Daddy has already called me – he wants to talk to you soon. See you tomorrow. I'll pick you up in Daddy's car.
-Johanna
Translation: Artemis was lodging at Hyatt, Ricky had already contacted Alyssa, and she was to look for a black limo to get to the hotel. Alyssa snapped her Blackberry shut. So far, so good.