Title/theme: UNDERSTANDING
Genre: Serious/a bit of angst
Approx time line: Phase 33 of GS
Summary: More than ever, she didn't want him to leave, she needed him, for more reasons than one.

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He didn't like the worried and distraught look on her face. She looked as if there was a huge burden on her shoulders.

"You know Captain, you don't have to look so depressed. We made it to Alaska alive."

"Hmm?" she turned towards him, as if she hadn't heard a word he said.

"Tell me what's on your mind," he stated as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Commander, am I a good captain?" she asked softly, "And please don't lie."

He was slightly taken aback by her sudden question. "Well," he scratched the back of his head, "I—"

"I know I'm not the best, I hadn't even expected to become the captain of this vessel. But," she looked up at him, "Did I at least do an okay job?"

"Well, we've made it this far despite constant pursuits by ZAFT, that counts for something, doesn't it?" he offered.

"I suppose…" she sighed.

"Hey, don't worry too much about it okay?" he patted her shoulder gently.

Her thoughts wandered back to the inquisition earlier in the day, getting irritated as she recalled Colonel Sutherland's words. Sensing her distress, his furrowed his brow.

"Captain?"

"I was just thinking about the inquisition," she replied, anger evident on her face.

Mwu grabbed a chair and sat himself on the other side of her desk. He understood her anger, for he felt the same. The Colonel had blamed many disasters on the actions of the Archangel, particularly on Kira, who was still MIA, and the decisions of the Archangel captain.

"Does his words bother you that much?" he asked, hoping that she would talk to him about it, in order for her to get her frustrations out. But it seemed to be the wrong thing to say, as instead of answering, she glared at him. But then she sighed; maybe it was better to talk about it rather than keeping it in, and she was sure that he would understand.

"I was just thinking that maybe the Colonel was right in some aspects," she sighed. "I let Kira-kun handle a piece of top-secret military equipment. Coordinator or not, he was still a civilian student, he wouldn't have been able to know the power of the Strike, and I hadn't even warned him. If I hadn't let Kira-kun use the Strike then, Heliopolis—"

"If you hadn't let Kira use the Strike, we wouldn't be here right now," he cut her off. His fists clenched in anger as he thought back to Sutherland's words during the inquisition. "The fact is, if he hadn't been there, or had he been a Natural student who wasn't able to update the OS, we'd all be dead, because the Archangel would've never made it without the Strike and Kira's abilities. If he hadn't been there, the Strike would've fallen into the hands of ZAFT."

Seeing her surprise at his anger, his tone softened slightly. "And who knows what would've happened to Heliopolis if we hadn't retaliated," he sighed. "Besides, what's the use of wondering what could've happened?"

"Yeah, I know," she said slowly, "But so many people have died because of the Archangel and the Strike."

"We're in a war here, for crying out loud!" he replied, exasperated. Then seeing her defeated look, he sighed and continued in a more even voice. "Look, those incidents, Heliopolis, Artemis, the advanced fleet, and the Eighth Fleet, nobody could've predicted them, and nobody should be blamed for them. I'm not trying to justify our actions, but, even though many people died because of them, many people were also saved."

She had no answer to that. Looking up, she saw a hint of anger in his eyes that he was trying to hide.

"What are you still so angry about?" she asked.

He hadn't expected that from her. But since they were talking about the inquisition, and she was telling him her thoughts, he might as well tell her.

"I'm angry at the fact that Sutherland is blaming everything on the kid. Kira's a good kid, with good intentions on protecting his friends, and like I said, without him, we wouldn't be here." Mwu paused to control the anger slowly creeping in. "After all Kira had done for us, I can't believe that Sutherland would talk about him as if everything was his fault simply because he was a Coordinator. It wasn't as if Kira wanted to be a Coordinator, or to be fighting his own people." Mwu recalled the conversation with the kid back in Orb, and remembered the distress and turmoil on his face whenever he had to go out there to fight.

Murrue listened intently. She too, had been angry about that. She was every bit grateful to Kira as the rest of the crew was. And every time he went out there to fight, she'd feel a pang of guilt.

"I know. Kira-kun didn't want to fight…" she said softly.

"It's all my fault! I was the one who dragged him into this!" she clenched her teeth, angry at herself for putting Kira through such agony.

"So what if it's your fault," he replied in a somber tone. "Can you go back and change the past?"

She looked up, surprise written all over her face. She had not expected him to say that. He wasn't looking at her, but rather staring out the window of her room.

She sighed to herself and looked down again. He was right, but it was still hard to swallow the guilt.

"The Colonel said that I was right to detain them, but I think I've made a huge mistake. Because of me, Tolle-kun and Kira-kun..." she paused, unable to continue. "They're still so young, and I dragged them into this war." She looked up at him for assurance. "Was it all a mistake?"

"Look Captain, I'm not here to judge you," he answered quietly. "I wasn't there, so I can't say if what you did was right or not. But what difference does it make? It's already happened, mistake or not.

"There's no use wondering what could've happened. As selfish as this sounds, what's important is that we're here now. We've accomplished our mission, and you and I are still alive, aren't we?"

"Yes, but in the end, we lost the Strike, and Tolle-kun and Kira-kun…"

"I know." She saw that there was a slight pained look in his eyes. Mwu had remembered the lost and sad look in Miriallia's eyes as she searched in the hanger for the other Skygrasper, and how he wasn't able to do anything. As for Kira, he had grown quite fond of the kid, and it was rather hard for him to swallow the fact that the young boy was gone. "But what can we do now? You said it yourself, let's trust Orb for now."

"I-I should have stayed and searched for them," she looked down and clenched her fists.

"No," he stated, "We were right to leave. If we had stayed, we wouldn't have been able to survive. For once, the Lieutenant was right."

Murrue rested her head on her arms and sighed in defeat. "Perhaps Natarle would've been a better choice for commanding this ship than me. I, I can't always follow the rules of the military. And I seem to always make the wrong decisions."

"Stop it Captain!" She looked up in surprise. He had meant to sound stern, but it came out harsher than he had intended. Realizing his mistake, his voice softened.

"What has happened is now behind us. We don't know whether or not the Lieutenant would be a better captain because we can't go back to change the past. What's important now is to think of the future."

The future. Now that the Archangel had finally reached its destination, Murrue wondered what would be in store for her and the ship. But whatever her next assignment would be, she'd have to do it alone, because both Natarle and the Commander were being transferred.

That thought had made her gasp in realization. They were being transferred.

"Captain?" he reached over the desk and placed a hand on her arm.

"Oh," she looked up. "I was just thinking how I'd handle things without Natarle's help. And without you—"

She promptly stopped herself and quickly looked away, hiding the tear buds beginning to form in her eyes. She didn't want him to know. There was no point, since she'd probably never see him again.

"What about me?" he asked softly.

She felt his hand on her shoulder. Quickly blinking her tears and regret away, she turned to discover that he was standing beside her.

"I-It's nothing, really," she refused to meet his eyes and tried to steer the conversation away from the current subject. "I was just wondering if I'd be okay by myself."

"Oh, you'll be fine. You're a pretty capable person," he smiled, but noticed that she wasn't smiling. If anything, she looked more depressed.

She knew that he was trying to make her feel better, like he'd done many times in the past. And that thought just made her even more depressed, because she reminded herself that he wouldn't be there anymore when she needed him. Tears gathered in her eyes again. Afraid that he'd see them, she turned away.

She was surprised, to say the least, when he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his arms, letting her head rest on his shoulder.

Murrue couldn't hold back her tears anymore, as they ran down freely down her cheek, soaking into his uniform. But he didn't seem to mind, for he held her as she cried silently, relieving herself of all the pain and stress of being the captain.

What was she doing? She was acting like a child! She was the captain, and the captain was supposed to stay strong. She wasn't supposed to show her emotions and her weaknesses in front of others. But then again, like she said herself, she wasn't exactly the conventional captain.

But of all the people she could break down in front of, why him? And of all the times, why now, the day before he had to leave?

More than ever, she didn't want him to leave, she needed him, for more reasons than one. He had been there to make her smile, to help her out, and most of all, he understood her situation and her stress. Before, when he had wanted to go searching for the kids, she had been able to stop him—she had the authority to stop him. But this time, she couldn't prevent him from leaving her. And that thought just made her cry even harder.

Mwu knew that Murrue was strong, that she would be able to handle things on her own, and that she would be fine without him. Maybe he was selfish, but he didn't want to leave as much as she didn't want him to leave. So as he held the shaking captain in his arms, he began to formulate a plan.

AN: I had this idea in my mind for the longest time, but I had been debating whether to set it before or after he came back... so I've decided to write a scene for each. The inspiration came when I re-watched Phase 33, the scene of the inquisition. I got SO angry at Sutherland's words, because he's saying that without Kira, and if they weren't involved with Kira, Heliopolis wouldn't have been destroyed, blah-blah-blah, and everything was Murrue's fault because she let him into the Strike. I wanted to slap him (actually I half-expected Mwu to go up and punch him...), because he fails to see that without Kira, and him being a Coordinator, they'd all be dead, 'cause Miguel would've captured the Strike, and killed Murrue in the process (actually, without Kira, Athrun wouldn't have hesitated when he was about to kill Murrue...). and without Kira, the Archangel would be done for. So anyway, Mwu's words there are just my rants about stupid Sutherland's words...

Another thing I put in here was Murrue blaming herself for dragging Kira and his friends into the war, because I've always wondered if she feels guilty about that, esp seeing how Kira always agonizes about fighting (though he never outright blamed Murrue), and how Tolle died so young. I know that Murrue's a stronger captain and more sure of herself than I made her out to be, but I'm sure she probably wonders/agonizes once in a while... and that scene in Phase 31 with Mwu watching Milly cry in the hanger, and seeing the expression on his face, it just broke my heart...

And another thing, I didn't want Mwu to just tell Murrue "It's okay, it's not your fault" or "You didn't make a mistake", because I see Mwu as the sort of person to give others a reality check, even if he has to be blunt/rude about it (judging from his words to the rebels, to Kira, and to Athrun in Phase 41). and rather than having him comfort her with false assurances, I think the words I used would have a bigger impact. But that's what I love most about the Mwurrue relationship, the fact that he's always there to cheer her up and put her mind at ease, to relieve her stress. and towards the end, we see the tables turn a bit as she started to do the same for him.

Hmm, it didn't quite flow from one issue to another as smoothly as I had hoped, and I probably repeated/contradicted myself a lot... oh well. As for the ending, I just have this feeling that Mwu had never intended to leave in the first place, I get the feeling that he had planned to come back shortly after he'd been told about the transfer.

(phew, this AN's getting long... sorry for the ranting...)