AN: continues from previous chapter...
Title/theme: LOST
Genre: angst/dark
Approx time line: Phase 49 of GS
Summary: But it was so hard to retain her sanity when everything else of hers was lost.
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"FIRE!"
She yelled as the beam of energy shot from the Lohengrin. With fascination, her eyes followed the path of the beam and watched in awe as it slammed into the warship.
As she watched it crumble in the silence of space, she felt a sick satisfaction as her lips curled upwards into a grim but triumphant smile. She heard a collective sigh of relief from the crew, and let out the breath she didn't know she was holding.
Her heart felt no remorse. It was too full of other emotions.
In fact, she felt rather proud of her accomplishment, and felt a strange and appalling urge to laugh. Her mind was set at ease, knowing that she'd avenged his death.
But the moment of darkness had passed in her heart, and she suddenly became terrified. Terrified at what she had done. Terrified at what she had been thinking and feeling moments ago. Terrified that she too, had become like them.
Then she felt a slight regret as she questioned Had I done the right thing?
She knew that the Dominion was a threat to their goals, and that if she didn't take action, they would. And this time, he wouldn't be there to help them. But what frightened her was the fact that she had felt happy to see it disintegrate; satisfied and feeling triumphant as the battleship became merely debris in space. What frightened her was the glimpses of images her mind had shown her, as she thought up ways to make the one responsible suffer as she was suffering, to make him feel the excruciating pain that she was feeling without mercy. What frightened her the most was the image of herself staring down coldly at the mangled, broken body of the perpetrator without fear or remorse.
The first time that she had to kill someone, it made her stomach churn, and she had nightmares for days. But as time went on, she got used to it, pulling the trigger without blinking. However, never before had she felt pleasure in taking someone's life; never before had she felt proud for killing someone. And it scared her. She was horrified and sickened by herself.
The Strike had broken her heart, that much she was sure of. But did it shatter her mind as well? Was her sanity and morals crumbling along with her heart?
But it was so hard to retain her sanity when her everything else was lost.
"We're not murderers, we're soldiers!"
True. She was a soldier, not a murderer. But what was the difference? What distinguished one from the other? The line was so thin that she could've easily stepped into the undesirable.
I'm, I'm not really like that, right?
She felt sick as tears washed her face, suddenly feeling lonely and lost.
For the moment, she lost sight of everything. She lost sight of her hopes and dreams, lost sight of what she was supposed to be fighting for, what she wanted to be fighting for. She'd lost herself and her sanity, when she lost sight of the Strike.
Please, help me…
She had needed him the most at this moment, and he wasn't there. Her inspiration for fighting was gone, and hopelessness filled her heart.
What am I supposed to do now?
She hugged herself as she shivered, choking on her tears. She had always prided herself for being strong and resilient, but she realised at this moment that she had only been fooling herself, that she was just as weak as everyone else. She had simply watched, helplessly, as he sacrificed himself for her sake. Then she had fallen to the darkness of her heart, because she was weak.
But I'm only human, right?
Was this what it means to be human, to have flaws and weaknesses, to feel pain, anger, hatred, fear? Was it fair for her to attribute her flaws to human nature, something beyond her control? Or was it simply an excuse to justify her actions?
Now she understood. Truly understood the causes and effects of war, and just how difficult it really was to end the cycle of hatred. She sympathized with the feelings of those left behind by those she'd killed.
She closed her eyes and saw his sad and disappointed face. No Murrue, it begged, Please…
No, this was not what he had wanted her to become. This was not why he had sacrificed his life. She would not go down that path; she would never follow that path.
She took a deep breath to collect herself. She needed to be strong, now more than ever.
She had already lost him. And now, she couldn't lose herself. She couldn't afford to lose herself. She had to keep going, to continue for the both of them. And maybe, maybe she wasn't so lost and alone. Maybe he was still there, guiding her, helping her find the way.
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Word count: 820
AN: this one's kinda dark, hope Murrue's not -too- evil, but I wanted to show her weaknesses and her feelings as she realised what she'd done. Inspired by that look on her face as she watched the Dominion sink.
the quote of being soldiers, not murders comes from Mwu, when he was lecturing Kira in phase 30.
phew, this turned out a lot longer, and more philosophical, than I first planned. but oh well. review?