Title/theme: PAWN
Genre: slight angst
Approx time line: Phase 34 of GS
Summary: He knew that in the life he chose to lead, being the pawn that he chose to become, he'd eventually have to say goodbye.

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He didn't want to leave.

That much he knew.

As he slowly packed his bags with leaden hands, his mind kept on asking why, why did he have to leave. He knew that he didn't really have a choice, it wasn't his decision to make. But why?

Because he was a pawn for the military, having to go wherever he was told to, doing whatever he was told to. However talented and precious of a pawn he was, in the end, he was still just a pawn. And that was all there was to it.

That pawn's purpose had been to protect the Archangel and the Strike. And now that purpose had been fulfilled, the pawn had no reason to stay. Now that they had arrived at Alaska, there was no longer a place for him. The base had enough security, enough pilots to protect it. The Archangel didn't need him anymore. She didn't need him anymore.

But why was it so hard to leave?

He had been transferred around quite a lot during his years with the military, going on various missions with different teams. And while goodbyes had always been a bit sad, it had never been this difficult.

Was it because he had finally found his place? Because he had found a place where he belonged, where he wanted to belong?

Mostly, it was because of her.

She had been on his mind constantly since the inquiry, when he was told of his transfer. He couldn't get her out of his mind.

Would she be sad to see him leave? Did it hurt her as much as it hurt him?

He cared for her. He had grown fond of her, attached to her, in the past months.

That much he knew.

As he zipped his bag shut, his mind questioned, did she care for him as well? Or was he simply a pilot to her, just another crewmember, another comrade.

He wanted her to care. More than anything, he selfishly wished that she would care. Not because of his job, but because of who he was. Just as he cared and admired her, not just because she was the captain.

Maybe she did. Maybe she did like him, if just a little.

She had come to the hanger that day, begging him to stay with tears in her eyes. Was that proof? Proof that she cared?

Of course, his mind reminded himself, she could have done that because she didn't want to lose another pilot, the only pilot they had left at the time.

But his childish mind wanted to believe that she had come because she was concerned about him.

And as he wiped her tears away that day, he told her that he wouldn't leave.

Except now… he was breaking his promise. And it pained him to do so.

Would he ever see her again?

He paused as his mind asked that question. His hands shook a little as he slowly shouldered the bag.

Probably not, he answered himself. She was staying here, while he was going far away. What are the chances of meeting again in the chaos of war?

He was terribly saddened by that.

Murrue…

Maybe he should forget about her, forget everything that had happened.

But it was impossible. She had plagued his mind, haunted his dreams, for quite some time now. And he doubted he'd ever be able to forget her. He didn't want to.

He stepped out of his door, and bumped into her. Or rather, she bumped into him.

"Woah Cap'n! Are ya that eager to get rid of me?" he joked, trying to keep the mood light and his thoughts away from gloomy ones.

But he stopped as he saw the expression on her face. She was biting her lip, not a sign of laughter on her pale face.

It was the wrong thing to say. He mentally kicked himself as he mumbled an apology.

She eyed him and let out an exasperated sigh, and then reached out and rolled his sleeves down from his elbows, where he'd left them.

"Come on, can't you wear your uniform properly?"

He watched as she patiently smoothed out his uniform, and memorized every detail of her face, wishing time would stop for them, making this moment last forever.

But time waited for no one, and in the next moment, she beckoned him along, saying something about him being late.

He followed her silently, grudgingly. He eyed her figure. In the few months that she'd sat in the captain's chair, she had managed to fill that role quite admirably. She looked confident and composed, her back straight as she walked. But her head was bowed in defeat.

"Are you all right, Captain?" he asked gently.

She looked up and nodded. He noticed that her face was dry, and she looked calm and collected, her emotions tucked away carefully. But he wasn't fooled. He didn't buy it. He could see right through her, and it worried him somewhat. On the other hand, he realised that it also meant…

So she did care.

Maybe… he should tell her. Tell her how he felt before it was too late.

"Captain, I," he turned towards her, hands placed firmly on her shoulders and looked straight into her eyes of dark gold. But the words died on his lips as his blue eyes took in the sight of her. Dignified and poised, with her uniform neat in every spot, the image of her was every bit of a captain, a soldier. And it only reminded him how silly his notion was.

He felt a terrible pain in his heart, like it was being torn apart. He hadn't felt like that for a long time, since that night when the fiery inferno engulfed everything he had known.

This was why he had kept his distance, kept his heart floating above everything, out of reach. Because he knew that in the life he chose to lead, being the pawn that he chose to become, he'd eventually have to say goodbye. This was why those past goodbyes hadn't been as difficult, because he had remembered to keep his distance.

But this time, he forgot. Because she was different. Because she had a certain warmth about her that he had wanted to feel since childhood. Because she didn't see him as a pawn.

Will I be all right without her? Will she be all right without me?

He didn't want to find out. He'd always been curious, but this was one thing he didn't want to know.

As he held her in his arms, he closed his eyes and let her warmth fill his heart. Yes. He found a place where he wanted to stay, a place where he was important, because he was him, and not just another pawn.

AN: yay, I'm not dead! I dunno, angst is so much easier for me to write...

I think Mwu obviously liked (if not loved) her by this point, and probably has a suspicion (or hope) that she felt the same. did he really know for sure how she felt? I actually have a theory that Murrue was the first person that Mwu really cared about and loved, so it was esp difficult for him to say goodbye.

kinda a rewritten scene from chapter 18: Parting, from his side. I think I rather like writing for Mwu, it's interesting to try to figure out what he's thinking about...